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Happy Feast of the Little Flower! For one who was so young, Therese had deep faith. I still have yet to read her diary, and I think that's going to be next on my reading list. She had such a quiet way of loving people, a sincere and discreet way of doing mortifications. I need to mortify myself more often. I feel like this past week has been full of gustatory and sexual delights that I do not deserve. Too much of that dessert feeling to get ripped away so cruelly. A long make-out session can get me going.
Writing on 10/3. Surprised I've survived this long. Absolute madness and very little to show for it. I'm trying my best to be patient, but it's difficult. Patience has never been difficult for me, but this may be something that my personality can't deal with, that I don't have the wherewithal for. When they say "wherewithal," they must be referring to money or resources like that, but when I think of that word, I think of mental wherewithal, like not being scatterbrained and being a good person who can generally handle life without any major freakouts or indecisiveness over major things.
This guy on YouTube is still opening booster boxes. It's all he can think of to do. But whatever it is, it's still awesome. I don't think I will lose this one; he is just very headstrong and sometimes he makes no sense. He does have a streak of obedience that I could use to my advantage. All is fair in love and war, after all. Didn't Shakespeare say that? I don't think so. He is happiest in bookstores, when he thinks about what he can read or research next. He is a sweet one, a lovely one.
I feel like I got catapulted right back into 2008, but there's nothing much to really say to that. It's just a feeling. Some things are the same and some things never change. I have not a problem in the world, but I subsume all my problems until they rear their ugly heads later. I need to give him something to go on, something to pick at that's a part of my personality. I can't deal with someone standing in my face and holding up a mirror. I picked a partner and he is my best friend now, so there.
Basically, I need to eat more. I lost three pounds and my BMI is low. It's like... I promise I don't have an eating disorder. I just hate eating so much that my stomach feels bloated and messed up. Nothing that can be done about that, but it is what it is. I just have to eat as much as humanly possible until my body naturally starts gaining weight. If I'm like my father, that won't happen until I turn 33 or if I'm like my mom, it won't be until I have a kid. That's a long time coming.
Once again, my brain is taken over by shyness. Don't know what to do about it. I wish all this anxiety would simply evaporate. It's not that easy. I wish I wouldn't be so jealous all the time. It's not that easy to just snap out of jealousy. I see someone smarter than me or more knowledgeable than me about a certain subject, and I suddenly want to slap them in the face. I guess I'm still not satisfied with myself yet. I wonder if I will ever be. I hate how many times I've used the word/letter "I."
Got a prestigious award at work. I was super happy, then boyfriend mentions his ex-girlfriend (in a totally inoffensive way, I might add), and my day gets ruined. Well, not ruined. But I got irrationally pissed off. I mean... I can deal with mental illness. I can deal with any number of issues, including physical, mental, and emotional abuse. But other women, even the mere mention of them, I cannot stand. Cheating will lose you me. Talking too much about exes and other women will lose you me. So shut the hell up! (Paranoid girlfriend knows she is insane.)
My doctor said I needed to gain weight. I don't know why this is surprising to me. I've been told my entire life that I need to gain weight. I don't enjoy eating until I'm full, and I don't particularly enjoy eating all that much to begin with. That sounds terrible, but the feeling of an overly full stomach is painful, especially when you eat so close to dinnertime. I'd rather go to bed hungry than full. (But tell that to a starving child in Africa.) (And now I probably just said something offensive to starving children in Africa.)
Well, the hurricane is basically over. I didn't lose power. BF's family did, and they were running off a generator. I hope the power came back on at some point in the night, but I guess I'll have to call and find out. Sometimes I wish I was on Facebook for that purpose--to see how people are doing, but what good is it when the Internet is out and you have no wifi because all the signals are down? Whatever. Everyone should just live as if we were back in the Little House on the Prairie Days. Good times.
Gots to get my 100 words written before my brain implodes. It's been a long time since I've sat and just written for a good long stretch of time like 4 hours without being interrupted. I wish I could be a more social creature sometimes, but that stuff wears on me so bad that I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for all my days. Well, not all the days but enough of them so that I won't feel so tired when I wake. Must rinse out my mug for tomorrow so I can put lemon tea in it.
I'm to the point where caffeine isn't working anymore. It's been a long time since I wrote a poem with such epic symbolism. It has never occurred to me before. I cannot make any sense any longer. My brain is destroyed by a combination of caffeine withdrawal and hyper-religiosity. Good for the soul but destructive for the brain. The mind and the brain... are they one and the same? No, because the brain is just the physical aspect. The mind is something else entirely.
He loves with such purity and innocence, but he is not innocent at all.
I feel like praying the Rosary more than I ever have. Strangely enough, boyfriend is a huge influence. I never thought I would have a man who has such strong faith, but I guess God can do anything, and prayer really does work. People are imperfect, and you have to take the good with the bad. Take the exhaustion with the freedom, the prayer with the spiritual dryness, ride the rollercoaster, surf the waves, get down and dirty then get clean and dry... whatever. Sin and confess, destroy and erase and improve, pray and hope and don't worry without ceasing.
Happy birthday to a fictional character. I am going to go to the Adoration chapel tomorrow, and I can't wait to see Him face to face. Quiet and peace and solitude reign supreme there. I just want to get an answer. I know God is calling me to love people, but what can I do to show that love? What can I do to share the joy I have inside and not take life so seriously but take others' souls seriously? I have never felt as spiritually charged as I do now, and crazy, amazing things keep happening. This is odd.
Writing on the 16th: I wrote something in my journal back in 2007. "Why do all the guys I date have mental problems?" Now I'm sitting here in 2016 and it's still true. I don't know why I am attracted to guys with these issues. It reminds me again of something I wrote in my journal back in 2012: "I only want that guy because he's royally fucked up." There is no getting around that. Well, there is. I'm really considering going to therapy myself to see what I can do. I like to put others first, but it's to my detriment.
Again, writing on the 16th. I need to rely on God. Everything is going to get much harder if I proceed with this relationship. The easiest way will be to just break it off now rather than get to 6 months and make it much harder. He seems as though he is pretty much stabilized, so there may be hope. I need an objective third party to whom I can lay out all the facts and they can present me with advice. Preferably three objective third parties can give me advice. I don't think I will get what I want.
My fear is that perhaps I'm not good enough to be in a relationship with a "normal" person. What is normal? No mental illness. No serious psychological flaws and immaturity. I do not think that's too much to ask. A man who could be a provider and not need to be taken care of like a child. I know it is not his fault. I know he tries his best and he has been trying best. But I am looking out for my own safety. That sounds selfish, but I think it is the most realistic thing to do.
It's the three-month "anniversary" and an evaluation of the relationship. There are honestly many fatal errors. I could wait for another three months to see if the errors get corrected or if progress is made on correcting them, or I could break the relationship off now, which would be easier than breaking it off in another three months. I hate how we as humans get attached and fall in love so easily. There is a reason for that, I know -- the reason being to create more humans. I have yet to book my flight to Chicago in November.
Writing on the 20th. It's about time that someone appreciates my best friend. Autistic people have a lot to give. Nobody really recognizes that until one of their family members is autistic or until they meet someone they admire who has autism. And there is definitely a lot to admire and a lot to love. People need to stop being so busy so they can see the beauty in the other people around them. I don't know what to say anymore other than the fact that everyone has individual gifts. I wish I could take my own advice to heart.
Writing on the 20th. 100 Words is currently down so I'm going to type my words in Notepad and hope that it meets the limit. If it's over by a little bit, who cares? It's so meta to write words about words. The downsides of Notepad: You can't get the little red squiggly mark that tells you when you've spelled a word wrong. You have no idea when your grammar is off. You don't have a word count. But you can type HTML and (I think) CSS. Not entirely certain about that last one, though. That's an advantage, not a disadvantage.
Continuing from yesterday's entry: You can't write HTML in Microsoft Word (or so I've heard) because Word puts all these other codes into the background of the file that will throw off the HTML. I suppose you could just use plain text, but Word still uses styles. This is something that I would have to bring up at a work meeting later on in my life. Not even 24 hours will pass until I have to go to this meeting. Not that I'm dreading it, but it does have to deal with XML, which is supposedly more versatile than HTML. I forgot what I learned about it in college.
When I first heard that song "Gold" by Kiiara, I was stunned (but honestly not really all that surprised) that something so dissonant and horrible sounding could have made it to the Top 40. Then I actually read the lyrics (because who can understand them?) and found out the song is about her cheating on her boyfriend with his brother and getting mad at the boyfriend because he left her at a party when the roof was on fire. The song said "bodies on the pavement," which made me think it was about that nightclub shooting that happened earlier this year.
Writing on the 23rd: So my wedding is being planned without the bride (me) even knowing. Well, I do know. There has not been a formal engagement yet. He has to ask my parents. I hope he does ask them because they will be the final gatekeepers. If they say no, it'll be just like that "Rude" song by that band with the singer who sound as though he is from Jamaica, but that's neither here nor there because I may very well marry that guy, marry him anyway, marry that guy, no matter what they say. Why they so rude?
I am empty without you. I should know that I am empty without God, and I do know this, but it is easier to look to a person than to look to any other entity because the person is right there in front of you and you can look into their eyes and see truth, and you can look into their eyes and see hope. They speak to you and you hear peace, and they may be difficult to live with, but that's why you have to get an idea of exactly what you're in for when you're married to the person.
The thing with marriage is that everything that annoyed you during the dating/engagement phase is only going to get worse, to the point of unbearability. I mean... how do two people who come from two different backgrounds manage to stay together and survive in a relationship? It takes work. A lot of work that is sometimes exhausting as hell. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the amount of work, and it's not going that well. I keep having doubts spring up into my mind, but I will try to let God do as he wills. He loves us.
Writing on 10/27: I voted early! Someone in my subdivision put up a bunch of Hillary signs. My heart is breaking because I am so full of emotion yet I can never express it adequately, and when I want to, the other person does not listen, yet when they express their emotions, they tell me that I need to be more demonstrative. I do what I can. I love in my own way. I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to feel like I'm needed and wanted and I want to show others I need them and want them.
Writing on 10/26: But first, let me take a selfie. I wish I was a more demonstrative person, and I feel this way every time I'm PMSing. Just wish I was a better person in general, and I don't understand why people can't accept me when I accept them. Maybe I need to give them a chance and put myself out there, or maybe I just need to wait all this out. I keep examining my relationships, wondering what I've done wrong and right and what I could do better, and in the end, everything hurts. I do what I can.
Maybe I shouldn't have said it. You can't take back what you said. You can only stick by what you say or else you will be dubbed a hypocrite. I can only imagine what it must be like for politicians, having to defend some idiotic comment they made when they were just a junior senator or a lowly intern. People are allowed to grow and change, and their views can shift with the times. I don't know why so few people understand that. I've been sitting at home all day and I'm tired. I want to go out somewhere. I want...
Writing on the 29th: Everything is grace. Grace is a gift of God given to us for free. I will be strong. I will show love. I will tell him I love him every day. If he gets bored of me or can't handle my "slowness," then that is his problem. I will try to pursue him as I can, although he is supposed to pursue me. I will be his strength when he is weak, and he will do the same for me. I am going to do right by him, even though the shyness may prevail sometimes.
The cats are trying to kick each other off the perch. Yesterday, some coworkers were talking and one said to the other. "So-and-so, you have cats, so I know you'll appreciate this." I felt like saying, "I have cats, too, so I'd appreciate it as well," but I said nothing because I don't particularly care much for this coworker. I know that sounds terrible to say, but she laughs too loud for my taste. She dominates conversations, although I don't think she realizes that she's doing it. I guess some people just have that way about them.
Writing on 10/31: Time to wrap this crazy month up. I don't want to do anything for Halloween. I have never cared for the "holiday," but since it does have some religious implication, I guess I have to care at least somewhat. Matthew and I are probably going to watch a movie. Hopefully not go gallivanting around because I can't do that kind of thing on work nights. I want to get old together already. Get to the point where we have no energy to do anything except sit around and read books. A Netflix night is a good start.
People on LinkedIn need to stop messaging me with bogus crap. Can I mark it read and be done with it? The numlock key on my keyboard is lit up and making me think it's the capslock. I wish I was more assertive... this has always been a problem and I feel as though I cannot exert my will around others. I do realize that they will respect me more if I do, but I cannot bring myself to do it, feeling as if I will sound stupid or if someone will hate me. Well, the haters will hate anyway.
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