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BY M

06/01 Direct Link
I just saw a video of a python eating a baby alligator whole. Although the alligator was a baby, it was still fairly big, so it was odd that it was eaten whole. There might have been some Freudian reason why I watched that video, or perhaps it reminded me of that Emily Dickinson poem about the worm in her room that turned into a snake. I always thought there was some kind of hidden sexual meaning behind that poem, but it's not like I can ever ask Emily to figure it out. She probably would not tell anyway.
06/02 Direct Link
It rained today for the first time in a long time. Generally, I'm not a fan of rain. It makes the interstate sluggish when I'm trying to get too and from work, and I like looking at sunshine. But obviously, rain is good, and it can even put you in an atmospheric mood. Some days, the best thing to do is to listen to the rain and read a book or drink some coffee or even watch some mindless reality TV just to forget your troubles. Or if you are brave, you can go and walk in the rain. 
06/03 Direct Link
Today's my birthday. I think that you are supposed to recognize how loved you are on your birthday based on how many people remember. The funny thing is that social media reminds you of people's birthdays, so what really counts is a happy birthday message from someone who actually remembers your birthday without having social media remind them. Not that those types of happy birthday messages are any less memorable or less heartfelt. So much is going on these days that sometimes people do need a gentle reminder of birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Some people make a deal out of it. 
06/04 Direct Link
So the Duggars had their interview and the Internet is in an uproar. Bristol Palin has written on her blog (I did not even know she had a blog) about how the liberal media is crucifying Josh Duggar while admiring Lena Dunham, even though they both supposedly molested their younger siblings. I know very little about pedophilia and molestation, but it does seem like Josh and Lena could possibly be on the same page in terms of what they did to younger siblings. I am not saying either of them is right... maybe I do agree with Bristol. 
06/05 Direct Link
I have to work this weekend. I do not know how many hours, but if I get on a roll and am not interrupted with constant emails, I can get a lot done. I also want to finish this book I'm reading; there are only about 10 or 20 pages of that left, and I'm a pretty fast reader. I can likely (I almost spelled that "lickly") get through that tonight. My keyboard at work is disgusting. It's got crumbs in it and half the letters on the keys are worn off. Time for a new one, I guess. 
06/06 Direct Link
had too much caffeine and now i'm jumpy too jumpy to use caps or punctuation and i'm listening to fast-paced rap which makes it worse oh wait i did use punctuation when i used those hyphens and those apostrophes i guess i'm talking about punctuation like commas and periods and semicolons some people say writing like this is art some people say it is lazy oh look i didn't use it's but i used didn't and that makes no sense but my brain is on math not meth but math i feel crazy now but it is the weekend
06/07 Direct Link
LinkedIn is so stalkerish. If you have certain settings on, it tells you who has viewed your profile and it will tell others when you view their profile. For that reason, I try to view very few others' profiles because I do not want to come across as some crazy stalker. I guess that's the beauty of the Internet. Everyone is a stalker to some degree. We all like to take peeks into people's lives, but some people project themselves onto others more than they should, which can probably cause anxiety, depression, hemorrhoids, and other uncomfortable and embarrassing health problems.
06/08 Direct Link
The book I'm reading took a turn for the disappointing. I hate when books have a twist ending but the twist is cheesy, and I hate it even more when you know all along that the book will have a twist ending. I like it when the twist comes out of nowhere and shocks you. If you expect the twist, it's like expecting to be tricked, and you wonder if you will expect the change that the author has made to the characters or plot. Dying to read the next Song of Ice and Fire book, but the library didn't have it.
06/09 Direct Link
Mini book review: I read Normal by Graeme Cameron (how do you pronounce that, by the way?) and I didn't like it. Maybe I don't like black comedy, but I feel as though the book was marketed to be a suspense/thriller/horror story, but it had moments when it could have been funny. I didn't find it funny; I was just confused because I had no idea what genre the book was supposed to be. I couldn't sympathize with any of the characters, so I didn't pick a favorite and didn't like any of them. It was so not normal.
06/10 Direct Link
I watch one YouTuber all the time, and he gets the same three kinds of comments over and over again: (1) are you gay?/you sound gay, (2) you must make a lot of money/what do you do for a living, and (3) when are you going to have another giveaway? There are others, but YouTube people always repeat the same comments, so it's a complete and total waste of time to read the comments section unless you are very bored or want to either laugh at humanity or be disgusted by it. I tend to be disgusted most of the time.
06/11 Direct Link
One of the shift keys in my keyboard is sticking and making me push extra hard to get a capital letter. Anyway, I wonder if someone has ever measured exactly how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. I bet some bored kid has done it before. Speaking of bored kids, school just let out for the summer where I live. This is good because it means no more getting stuck behind school buses on the highway and no more having to stop for them when they are coming in the opposite direction.
06/12 Direct Link
For some reason, my Pandora station (I don't know which one; I have several) started playing oldies music, and now I have that shrieky, falsetto Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons song stuck in my head. "Sherry, Sheeerry, bayaybeeee... won't you come out tonight?" And on it goes. Don't get me wrong, I like the song, but it was so random and unexpected that it seemed ludicrous at the time. I have to get it unstuck from my head pronto. 

I think I'm figuring out something to do with my story and how to get past my writer's block.
06/13 Direct Link
I don't know what to tell people when they ask me if I'm going to publish. Maybe? Someday? All the answers I could give seem weak. "I'm thinking about it" seems even weaker, like I'm indecisive and can't make up my mind. Ugh. All I know is that these things take time and some people are impatient. Rome wasn't built in a day and a book could be written in a night (ever heard of the 50k in a day challenge?) but that doesn't mean it's going to be good or worthy or anything. I'm too much of a perfectionist.
06/14 Direct Link
I finished reading a book about loners, and I am not sure whether I am a loner, an introvert, or just someone who suffers from social anxiety disorder. Perhaps a mix of all three. In seventh grade, I remember telling people that I didn't want friends, and that was the truth. I had no true desire for friends. I couldn't see why all the other kids surrounded themselves with friends. Then in eighth grade, I had one very good friend and a few more good acquaintances. Even so, I still didn't have that urge to socialize that others seem to have.
06/15 Direct Link
Some people never change, and I suppose I am one of them. I read somewhere that your personality is formed when you are in the womb and in your very early years of childhood (like between birth and age 3). So you don't have much conscious decision making going on at that time. You can't really plot out who you want to be when you're 2 or 3 years old, so you just have to go with the flow until you get to an age when you realize which parts of yourself you want to change and which stay the same.
06/16 Direct Link
There comes a time when you should decide whether something you love is still worth pursuing or whether you should throw in the towel and give up. I'm trying to determine that with one of my works in progress. I'm going to look back at some old plans and see what I can do about making a decision. All I know is that I have to decide pretty quick. I feel as if I'm on a time crunch (even though I'm really not) probably because I work under deadlines all the time. The first step: convincing myself that this is not a crunch!
06/17 Direct Link
I want to sit before I get immersed in writing. Honestly, planning is the easiest part, but what's even harder than that is getting started every day. Breaking past the Internet and the chores and all the other things you could be doing and just write. I feel like I spin my wheels, never get anything done, and retrace the same ground over and over, but in the end, I have gotten a lot done. I realize that I have improved over the years. The stories are steadily progressing. I don't necessarily need anyone to light a fire under my ass.
06/18 Direct Link
In the News of the World (AKA CNN), there was some kind of tragedy where people got shot. I don't really care to find out more about it at this point because it's just going to be another rehash of the same old stuff. Different tragedy, same media attention, same convictions of everyone in the world that the world is a terrible place and needs to be fixed. Everyone's so focused on fixing the world that they forget about all the techniques that have been tried in the past but have not worked. They revisit those techniques and fail again.
06/19 Direct Link
Yesterday I went to adoration and was inspired to write a blog post. I have three blog posts I really want to write, and that's a perfect number because that's the amount of posts I have to write for the week. I saw something on CNN about how the Confederate flag is a relic of racism or something like that. It's ludicrous. I don't think that every person who flies the Confederate flag is dangerous. Their private beliefs might be dangerous, but who doesn't have dangerous beliefs? I guess it all depends on whether you act on them and whether you share them.
06/20 Direct Link
I heard thunder yesterday, and it made me a bit lonely, but I think I got over it. If I was in a worse time of the month, I might have started crying, but I handled it OK. Sometimes I really think I need to see a therapist, but other times, I think I'm all right. It might just be female hormones or something like that, and even recognizing that it's probably hormones doesn't have much of an effect. I wish the good part of my life wasn't based on hormones... they'll only go away at menopause. Life sucks, and you die.
06/21 Direct Link
I have to be OK with myself, and a lot of the time, I'm not. I still wonder why I can't be like X person or have the abilities of Y person. Then I remember that I have my own abilities, and although they may seem as weak as water, they still manage to hold. I'm all right. Everything is fine, and I can make it. If I have to make it on my own, so be it. I know that when I am put to the test, I will be strong, even though I look fragile and somewhat weak.
06/22 Direct Link
I'm reading a book about the NSA. It's interesting, but I wouldn't be bothered if the government read my emails. I have nothing to hide in that regard. If the government got ahold of my bank account or some of my more "private" stuff online, I'd be upset, but as for emails, phone calls, and text messages, I have nothing to hide. No deep dark secrets. No skeletons in the closet. I'm just your average person with a job and a life. I have a common name, so they'd probably mix me up with someone else at some point anyway.
06/23 Direct Link
My eyes are tired, so I'm probably going to bed a bit earlier than I normally do. For some reason, I feel so parched. It must have to do the weather outside, although I haven't spent a ton of time out there. All I know is that I can't stand to look at the computer screen another second, and I know I probably say that at least once a week on here, but I like repeating myself. If you ever listen to me talk, you will hear me repeat myself at least five times. I don't know why I do that.
06/24 Direct Link
Again, I have nothing of importance to write about. My head is still stuck at work, really, and I don't like to talk about work too much. I ordered two new books (well, they're used but new to me) off Amazon with a gift card, but Amazon closed my account because I supposedly violated the terms of service. I guess it's eBay for me. I can find stuff cheaper on eBay a lot of the time, so it's no huge loss. I am tempted to not even use Amazon to search, but it's a feeble protest because they're so big.
06/25 Direct Link
This is probably the stupidest post I'll ever write on here (although it's hard to tell which is the stupidest because they're all pretty pointless), but I just found out that my Internet crush has a girlfriend. Ugh. You know, I could probably get another boyfriend really easily if I wanted one, but I am not willing to put in the time to sustain a relationship and would rather have no relationship at all than a half-assed attempt at one, which wouldn't be fair to the other person. I daydream all the time, but they are all just dreams.
06/26 Direct Link
The first site I go to when I turn on my computer is WordPress, and what do I see? A rainbow banner on the page. The second site I go to when I turn on my computer is Tumblr, and the little "t" in the upper-left corner is rainbow. And the featured pictures are all related to gay marriage. I mean, I knew they were both liberal sites, and I love them anyway, but... people don't seem to get it. This doesn't make everyone "equal." Not in the way that counts. I'm no apologist, so I won't continue here.
06/27 Direct Link
I never really cared for "Stand Inside Your Love" by the Smashing Pumpkins until just recently. Such a powerful love song. It made me think about how Billy's true soulmate was that girl Yelena, but I believe she married someone else. I think I have a true soulmate, the one I would give everything for, but the great tragedy is that I cannot be with him. My wings, as Billy would say "are bruised and restrained" when I want to fly to him but I cannot. To do so would ruin my life, but yet I still yearn for him.
06/28 Direct Link
One of my Internet peeps actually said something that made sense today, and she normally posts pretty thoughtless crap (then again, I do too so there). I do agree with her politically, but the way she represents herself doesn't give much credence to her political views. 

I realized that I can only effectively communicate with/keep track of about 35 people on social networking sites. Otherwise the amount of posts gets too large for me to keep up. Back when I had Facebook, I had about 65 people. I can't understand how people have 100+ friends. Too many! 
06/29 Direct Link
I have nothing to say except an observation that the gay marriage controversy and the Confederate flag controversy are still ongoing. And Bristol Palin. People are telling her she should abort her baby. Why would you want to add pain to an already painful situation? Only vaguely related, I read an article about a baby with Down syndrome who was left to die. Fortunately, he was rescued and is now healthy and well adjusted. I wish people could be more open-minded about things like that; 90% of babies with Down syndrome are aborted these days, which is very upsetting. 
06/30 Direct Link
The Internet is intermittently failing for some reason. So are my flash drives (or perhaps it's my motherboard or my hub). I have a seven-slot hub for my flash drives and other USB devices, but only five of the slots work. I don't know what's up with the others. I think if I do get another computer, it will have to be a laptop with a fairly large screen. It would be nice to build my own desktop PC again, but I don't really have the time or the incentive. I don't like how a desktop chains you to a desk.