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It is the first day of NaNoWriMo and I have a cat on my lap and an idea that I doubt will get me all the way through the month with the right word count. I'll probably end up switching ideas halfway through. I can't lose NaNo, though. I've participated and won since 2008 and had a ton of fun doing it, so I have no intention of losing. Fortunately, I have a good number of days off this month, so it seems that I will be winning one way or the other. Hope I haven't just jinxed myself.
It's really odd that so many of your emotions and moods are driven by hormones. So your personality isn't quite your own but some product of your biology that you cannot control. You can create yourself to a certain degree, but there are parts of you that are controlled by something that you can't really help. You can take pills to regulate your hormones and your moods and your happiness and hyperness and depression, but overall, it's part of you and I suppose you just have to accept it one way or another. We are so intricate as human beings.
I love All Saints Day in the church. I love the calming litany of the saints and the idea that many people who have gone before you are willing to pray for you and carry your concerns to God and help get you closer to him. They had so much love for humanity when they were on the earth, and I don't know if I could ever have that same love. I end up being disgusted by humanity more often than not, and it makes me sad that I don't think I will have the love the saints have.
I read a post about how this girl (24 years old) got a tubal ligation (sp?) because she knew that she never wanted to have children. Ever. Even so, no matter how 100% sure you are, that approach seems very extreme and very permanent. The girl is also a self-proclaimed feminist, and I have never understood that militant feminist attitude. In my life, I have never been forced into a feminine role of mother, wife, housekeeper, etc. I chose not to play with Barbies when I was younger. It wasn't forced upon me. This post could go much longer.
I had a bit of a struggle with my NaNoWriMo WiP last night. I'm working on a revision document, but I told myself that it could include short stories that take place in the fictional universe. The short story that I'm drafting now will eventually be edited and posted on my blog. I don't know, though. I am going to post it, but I don't know how many of my readers will like it. It's kind of YA and I don't think most of them read YA. Anyway... if they don't want to read it, they can skip over it.
I gotta have that "I don't give a shit" attitude. I have to not care when someone disagrees with me or if I say something that's not really offensive and offend someone. It's entirely too easy to offend someone these days, and everything you say (especially online) can be taken out of context, misconstrued, and used against you (either inside or outside of a court of law). So it's hard to say what you want and not think about the consequences or how it might affect someone down the line. You have to police yourself or someone will do it.
I realize why it seems like I have less time for NaNo than I did in the past. My work schedule. I used to get in at about 7 a.m. or a little bit before then, and I would write for an hour until I officially started work at 8. I'd take a half-hour lunch break, then leave the office at 4:30. Now, as soon as I get in the office, I start working at 7, take a half-hour lunch break, and leave at 4, so I have more time to write when I get home.
Back to what I was writing yesterday about my schedule. By the time I get home, it's about 5 p.m. and I leave at 4 p.m. My commute is about an hour. Then I get home, feed the dogs and cats, and try to sit in front of the computer (again) and get something done before it's time for dinner. After dinner, I get all sleepy, but I must carry on. Then the backspace key on my keyboard broke, so I have to type carefully and use the delete key instead. Or just use spellcheck for everything.
I have a meeting after work tomorrow, so I am going to have to do twice the writing for NaNoWriMo simply because after the after-work meeting, I am not going to feel like doing anything. Don't get me wrong, I like the people I'm going to be meeting with, but they get to talking and never stop. It's like... hello? Some of us have to leave because they get up at a ridiculously early hour and therefore have to go to bed at a ridiculously early hour. First world problems, but still bothersome enough to rant about here.
I saw a note on the site that said 100 Words 2.0 is finally going to become a reality. I really don't care all that much. It's not like I spend a ton of time on here, and I like the minimalist design anyway. Some sites have an overload of features that you can easily get overwhelmed. The only thing I wish is that I could go back and delete one specific post I wrote a long time ago. If I could get rid of just that one post, that would be awesome and I would be forever grateful.
Is it the worst thing in the world to be a cold person? I don't know if I'm cold. I don't push everyone away. It's just that I take a very long time to warm up to people, and by the time I do get used to someone, they leave. So I figure... I shouldn't get used to a person unless they are a member of my family or I know for certain that I am going to know them for a long time. A shitty way to live, I know, but it's tough to expend effort to befriend someone.
I have a better idea of what I want to do after NaNoWriMo now. I have a story that I wrote back in 2010-2011, and it's pretty decent, if I say so myself. I wasn't rolling my eyes the entire time when I read back over it, so I guess that's a good sign. It took me an entire year to write, even though I was only writing 100 words a day. The only issue is that it's a novella, about 36,500 words or so. I'm not sure how many publishers would go for something of that length.
Something weird just happened. I was invited to a social event that I actually wanted to attend, and I turned it down because of NaNoWriMo. I would have attended, but it's on Monday night, and that's my writing time. I would have just written more on the Sunday before to get myself caught up ahead of time, but that wouldn't work because I have something happening on Sunday also. The first NaNo dilemma related to a social event. And I thought there would be no surprises left. This is my seventh NaNo. I really thought I knew how it'd go.
It bothers me when people say they're going to do things and then they don't. Like if someone says that they're going to get a book published, and they sit on it for years and years, write the first draft, sit on it for years and years, all that time talk about being published, and never actually do publish the book, then when you ask them, they get defensive... don't talk about it if you really have no intention of doing it. I try not to talk about what I plan to do. I write it down and hide it.
So I got back into collecting Pokemon cards a few months ago, and it's actually a lot of fun, even though it's one of those "expensive" hobbies (but if you mind your money and where you shop and what you buy, it ain't quite that bad). I bought a booster box from the latest expansion set, and I've opened maybe 10 or 11 packs from it so far (a pack per day). I haven't gotten any spectacular pulls yet, but there is always hope! I will be happy even if I don't get an ultra rare or a full art.
Last night, I dreamed I met the perfect guy. I met him at the airport. I can't recall which airport it was, but we were both traveling from there to JFK airport. Anyway, this guy liked all the same books I did, he was the same age as me, he did the same weirdo things that I do... and it was so easy to talk to him. I think I got his website or email address so we could communicate once we got back home, and he got the address of my blog. I just wish that dream was real.
It is so painful to get close to people and risk getting your heart ripped out of your chest and scattered all over the place. But I suppose love and all those other things are worth it. I get cold, and I tend to freeze people out. The silly thing is, it's not because I've really been hurt before. I just don't wanna get hurt for no good reason. So I don't emotionally attach myself to people 100% because I don't want to get hurt 100%. It's dumb, and it is about time I got over the stupid, irrational fear.
Today is November 18, a day of supreme importance for reasons I can barely remember and that nobody else knows about. It had something to do with another human being (or a few human beings) and how the world was always choosing November 18 to turn over back in the days when I still let "fate" or "coincidence" decide my path. I can't do that now. They are always telling me to be an active character in my own life, which is almost impossible when all I want is to be a passive character in others' lives. Just drift along.
I'm actually writing on the 20th because I came home late on the 19th and didn't feel like doing anything besides eating and getting into bed ridiculously early, but when I go to bed early, I end up tossing and turning and waking up at odd hours full of energy and weird dreams cavorting in my head. The dreams are usually related to whatever I was doing before going to bed or whatever was giving me anxiety during the day, mostly work-related stuff but sometimes personal. I dream about snow quite a lot, and I'm really not sure why.
Just one week until Thanksgiving! At work, I like to take off days that are a week before the big holiday weeks so that it's like having two vacations. With everyone out of the office, it's much more quiet and peaceful and I can get more work done than I can when everyone's there. I wonder how smart it is to move everyone into an open, no-walls environment. Seems like that would be rife with distractions of all sorts, from paper airplanes to phone calls to people's stinky lunches, to bosses and managers and janitors walking around and distracting you.
I am so reluctant to leave the house on my days off. I can't bring myself to get up and get in the car and drive like I have to do every single workday. I have to drive for 45 minutes to an hour one way, so of course I don't want to do more of the same on the weekend. I'll be glad when I move a little closer to work so the commute isn't as bad. I'll take a 35-minute commute, which is long to some people. Somehow, that does not seem so bad to me.
In YA books, the teenage protagonists always have big dreams. They're going to go into art or photography or writing... something that doesn't pay and is more like a hobby in the real world. I don't think I've ever read about a YA protagonist who just wants to have a normal office job and perhaps become a manager in some corporation. I wonder why that is. Because the protagonist is supposed to aim higher than that? Because they aren't supposed to let society dictate what they want? Who says that wanting a corporate job is an indicator of societal slavery?
I realized why I've stuck with this site for such a long time: there is no comment feature. I have no idea whether people are reading what I put out here, and that's OK. I would rather not know. On other sites, they are disabling comments, which I think is awesome. Comments are great for creating conversation, but they're also full of trolls and people who have nothing better to do and bring others down. This site doesn't make me feel self-conscious about what I post because there is no feedback, positive or negative. It's a very good thing.
I think I'm having caffeine withdrawals. The coffee at home is much stronger than the free coffee at work, so when I came back to work after a four-day weekend, I wondered why I was dragging ass... but not for long. I quickly realized it must have been the weak coffee. Then I'll get used to the weak coffee again, just in time for another four-day weekend in which I am at home, drinking the stronger coffee and bouncing off the walls. I guess I could have had two cups or more, but I'm a one-cup person.
This whole Ferguson thing makes no sense, and I don't understand it. I can't make an opinion on it because I don't even care to watch the news. It's just so crazy and out of control that I don't even want to get involved and get an opinion. I just wish people would get along and see past differences and all that overly optimistic crap that gets pumped out by naive people like me. Anyway, I hope they come to some sort of conclusion about all this so that I can stop spouting platitudes about peace. Nothing else to say.
I like guys who drive older cars, for some reason. Maybe because it shows that they commit and don't just jump to the next hottest thing available. There is this guy I work with (although he is much older than me and probably married) who drives an ancient Volvo, and for some reason, I really like that car. I keep wondering if it's a diesel, and it might be because diesels seem to last longer than gas cars. I used to have a diesel way back. That car reminds me of my old car. That's probably why I like it.
This isn't a Thanksgiving topic, but I think one of my favorite coworkers might be leaving. I couldn't imagine why, unless there's something he's unhappy with. I doubt he would want to move to another part of the country because you can always work remotely. Maybe it has to do with finding another job that pays more or a job that's a better fit for what he wants to do. Either way, it will be weird without him there, since he was a kind of mentor to me. Anyway, it's Thanksgiving and I should be thankful for my other coworkers.
I don't know why I dread getting my hair cut so much. Perhaps it's because the hairdresser always tries to make small talk with you, and they ask the same questions. They always ask me if I'm in school, and whenever I say that I've graduated college, they're always like, "But you look so young!" I understand that it's a compliment, but it's still odd. I guess it's rude if the hairdresser doesn't make "polite small talk" with you. Even so, that's not the entire reason for me dreading getting my hair cut. I just don't want to cut it.
My computer was acting odd today. I was having issues with it because of this giant power supply I have that is shaped like a box. (I guess I should say that I had the power supply, because I got rid of it after it caused my printer to fail and my entire computer to shut down.) When I turned my computer back on after the failure, the time was an hour behind, which confused me into thinking that I had a whole extra hour. Nope, no such luck. So I fixed the time on my computer. Hopefully no issues.
November's almost gone, and I lament that because November is my second favorite month, after April. The good thing about this month was that I finished NaNoWriMo, even though I didn't technically write a new story. I wrote a document that will help me revise my existing stories.
On another subject, I wonder why people reveal so much about themselves online, even though they know the dangers of revealing things online. Why do people take naked pictures at all, especially knowing that cell phones can be hacked and those pictures can be posted everywhere for the world to see?
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