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BY M

05/01 Direct Link
Again, I find myself thinking of idol worship. Having a crush is something of idol worship. You are not close enough to this person to realize that he or she is human and capable of failures and flaws. You spend a lot of your time hoping and wishing that this person will notice you, and before you know it, you're obsessed. You begin to believe things about this person that are not true, and you fail to see any kind of fault. When they do notice you, you give them respect and honor that no human deserves -- only God. Crushes...
05/02 Direct Link
May 3, 2014: I finished a book yesterday. I love when I finish a really good book that I can relate to so well that it's like the story of my life. In other news, I wrote a post on my blog and mentioned that idiotic "zombie apocalypse" that everyone seems to think is so hilarious. No mention of the other things in my post, but everyone was talking about the zombie apocalypse and how they will be prepared. I hate it, for some reason. So stupid. It's like saying that vampires are going to rise up and take over.
05/03 Direct Link
You know what I hate? When someone says something like, "You have no life. Go get laid." Like sex is the be-all and end-all of having a life, the greatest thing in the universe, the only thing worth living for. I can assure you that it's not. If you rely on sex to solve your problems and if sex is your "life," then you have some issues you need to face. I'm not trying to downplay sex, I'm really not. But there is so much pressure put on teenagers and even people in their 20s to have sex.
05/04 Direct Link
I had an epic headache yesterday because of too much social interaction and too much going out in the sunlight when I'm used to hiding my pasty white self away in my room. (Although my room is not dark; I like to let in as much light as possible.) The real reason for the headache might have been because my best friend has a crummy TV set -- it's tiny with blurry white lines moving across it, and I was trying to stare at it through the first Twilight movie. I have to admit, my inner teenage girl really liked Twilight.
05/05 Direct Link
I have one commenter on my blog who picks out random typos and grammatical errors... and sometimes that's all the comment is. A list of things I missed. I don't pick out people's grammatical errors and typos unless I'm asked. To presume is to be rude. Of course, I do go back and make the changes because I hate typos myself, but after awhile, you need to forget it and let it go. It can be read, it can be understood, you know what I mean. It's true that the best way to get attention is to make a typo.
05/06 Direct Link
I hate waking up and feeling like an awful person. Feeling small and sad and insignificant and alone. There is literally nothing that will make me feel better during those times. I don't know if it's PMS or hormones or something or if I really am one of those miserable people who goes around wanting to be pitied. I do not want to be one of those people that you pity. I don't want to be a person that people look at and say, "She is a sad person." Not sad as in unhappy but sad as in pitiful.†
05/07 Direct Link

Iím typing my 100 words in MS Word! Why? Because Iím at work and I donít want anyone to think Iím slacking off. If I do slack off, it will be for a few seconds because writing doesnít take long, depending on how fast one types.

I donít know how fast I type. I can go 90 words per minute, but thatís with errors. Without errors, Iím closer to 60 or 70 words per minute. It depends on what Iím typing, how nervous I am, the time I have... † ††

05/08 Direct Link
I have no inspiration to write, no inspiration to blog... I feel like I'm constantly complaining and when I do write, it does not seem like it makes sense to anyone except me. Everyone else who reads it just goes WTF and shakes their heads. I don't care, really. (Or I try not to care.) It hurts so much to put your heart out on paper only to have people rip it apart and fail to understand it. But I suppose that's where the thick skin comes into play to protect you. I wish I had a thicker skin sometimes.
05/09 Direct Link
We went to an exotic pet store last weekend. They had tarantulas, snakes, geckos, birds, lizards, moon crabs, chinchillas, and even sugar gliders. (Of course, they had the more common pets like rats, mice, guinea pigs, gerbils... no cats or dogs, though.) Every time I go into a pet store, I feel sorry for the animals, especially the mice and rats. They or their babies could get fed to snakes. The guy in the pet store said that they kept the mice in the back room because they were mostly used as feeders. But they did sell them as pets.
05/10 Direct Link
May 11, 2014: One of the worst sins you can ever commit (in my mind, at least) is going after a married person's spouse. If they're engaged, that's still bad, but not as bad, and if they're in a relationship but not engaged, it is less bad, but still bad. Oddly enough, I keep having dreams about the men who work at my office, all of whom are married. It's weird. I never used to like older men much, but all these guys I have "crushes" on are 20 years older or more. My subconscious has issues, I swear it.
05/11 Direct Link
The best way to get through a story is to write. Don't waste time organizing all your stuff (unless you really do need to organize) and don't buy pretty stationery and the coolest pens and a brand new set of page flags. Don't search for the perfect last name and hair color for your character or determine his entire backstory regardless of whether it's relevant to the current story. Just draft. Write draft after draft until the story comes clear in your mind and you are able to finally dig the diamond out of all the dirt that's surrounding it.†
05/12 Direct Link
Ampersands annoy me. Supposedly, they save space, but I think that's not a good reason to have some ugly little squiggle mucking up your document. The other reason I dislike ampersands is because I can't draw one. I never have been able to and I never will because I don't use them. I can be looking right at one and attempt to draw it, but it comes out looking more like a frustrated scribble than a genuine ampersand. Some people can draw them perfectly, and I envy them. If I want to use an ampersand, I use the plus sign.†
05/13 Direct Link
I have a love/hate relationship with drama. The weekdays are boring because my workplace is very free of drama (this ought to be a good thing) and there is nobody sitting in the break room and bitching about their husband or their job or how their kids are low-life moochers and losers. Maybe I watch too many soap operas and dramatic television, but sometimes I miss my old job simply because of all the drama that went down there. But drama also leads to stress, and I remember that I literally got sick from the drama. So weird.
05/14 Direct Link
I'm upset. I have a flock of confused birds twittering around my head and I cannot make any sense out of all their sounds. My heart is in shatters around my feet and I am bleeding. I do not know what to do anymore, not when I have pinned my entire life on one person and that person is now gone. Not gone as in dead, but gone as in unavailable. I will never see or hear from this person again, and it should be a good thing, but I realized I have spent my life trying to impress them.
05/15 Direct Link
Arrogant people get on my nerves. I want to try and be more humble because when I am arrogant, I get on my own nerves.†

But the bigger question is... do you have to be hard and cynical and cutthroat and arrogant to get somewhere in this world? If I have to be that way, what good is the world? What if I don't want to conform to the world at all but just do things my own way and be OK with that? I don't want all the material possessions, just peace and quiet and true happiness. ††
05/16 Direct Link
One day I'll find the strength to be happy for you. One day I'll find the strength to stand up, look you in the eyes, and genuinely tell you what I think and what I thought and not try to filter it through all kinds of emotion. Time and distance will have taken their toll on whatever it was that sprung up between us. I will have no emotion left for you, nothing to stand between us and speak for me and over me. You'll no longer reach into me and pluck out my strong feelings to hold against me.
05/17 Direct Link
May 18, 2014: I am so bad at keeping friends. Really. I can never be bothered to call, mostly out of shyness or out of worry that I am imposing on a person. Or else I'm busy. I'd rather do a lot of other things than hang out with another person. I'm rarely the one to initiate conversation or to suggest a place to hang out. It doesn't happen. Then years go by, phone numbers change, I quit Facebook, and low and behold, every friend I've ever had disappears. I have only myself to blame for not keeping in touch.†
05/18 Direct Link
A long time ago (probably six or seven years), I checked Stephen King's Insomnia out of the library and was reading happily through it when I discovered that 11 pages were missing from the book. Insomnia is huge, so at first glance, it's hard to tell when a mere 11 pages are missing. I took it back to the library and told them there were pages missing. Then I bought my own copy of Insomnia at a book sale, and I am just now reading it. Not a single missing page to be found... yet. I am on page 129.
05/19 Direct Link
Sometimes the Internet is a poison. I guess I should say that if you have no self-control, the Internet is a poison. You get on, intending to search for just one thing, then before you know it a whole afternoon slips by because you followed a series of links, each more interesting than the last, and slipped like Alice down the rabbit hole. But when you came out of the stupor, you realized it wasn't just a dream and you actually had wasted a whole two hours of your life looking at something you won't remember in a week.†
05/20 Direct Link
This is a weird thought I've had before. We're smarter and more intrinsically worthy than animals because we walk upright. Our head is not on the same level as our crotch or our "waste systems," if you know what I mean. We do not bend our face down to our dishes to eat. We lift the food to our faces. We have innate dignity. I believe God wants us to take good care of the animals but not to worship them or put ourselves at the same level as them. We reason, we don't run on instinct all the time.†
05/21 Direct Link
I have a debate going on with myself. I've been trying to write 500 words in my new story every day (that doesn't count these 100 words), and I'm wondering whether that word count is too small or just right. On weekends, I will bump it up to 1,000, plus editing the words that I have written during the workweek. So far, 500 is good, but I worry that the story isn't getting written at a fast enough pace. Then I try to remind myself that I'm not worried about the speed anymore; it's the quality of the writing.
05/22 Direct Link
Throughout the day, I invent all these random funny sayings and quotes that I use to amuse myself. I normally write them down in my notebook because they are hilarious to look back on later, but I might write them on the 100 words site one day, so they can be the 100 Words of Insanity at Work. Or the 100 Words of Utter Boredom whilst doing a task that I find repetitive and tedious. Like yesterday, I saw these cookie crumbs on the stairs and I dubbed them the un-cookie. It was a cookie, but not a cookie.
05/23 Direct Link
Had a completely weird dream that involved dark-skinned men, unwanted sex (but not completely rape), dogs getting killed with AK-47s, a Jedi knight who may also have been a Catholic priest, one of the managers at my job walking through my house and telling me how I should dress, my uncle and cousins in their old house that they sold last year... and other assorted random stuff. At first, I thought it followed some kind of plotline (however convoluted), then I realized that it made absolutely no sense whatsoever and the people, places, and things couldn't be ordered.
05/24 Direct Link
May 25, 2014: I have so much to say about the tragedy in California that happened yesterday. It's funny how I always sympathize with the shooter and always end up praying that the Lord will have mercy on his soul. Everybody hurts sometimes. The difference between those who cannot get over their hurt and those who can is sometimes mental illness but it's sometimes lack of prayer. Lack of spiritual depth and meaning behind riches, sex, wealth, fame, glamour, etc. Without a spiritual side, without any kind of meaning of life, we lose sense of our full humanity and love.
05/25 Direct Link
I installed this stupid PDF creator that my dad sent me and now I am getting popup ads all over the place, even after I uninstalled the thing. Ugh... makes me feel like reformatting my hard drive, even though that is probably an extreme solution to an easy-to-fix problem. Once my computer crashes and is dead for good, I am going to get a laptop and just plug my speakers and monitor into that. Maybe even get a docking station. But the good part about the laptop is it will take up less real estate on my desk.†
05/26 Direct Link
I listened to a song that I haven't really thought about or paid attention to since 2009 or so. It's a cover of Depeche Mode song, and I honestly think the cover is better than the original, but that doesn't matter. The song reminded me of being with that one person who left me behind. I am glad that he left me behind, but at the same time, I wish I could have remained his friend, if only to have someone to talk to and occasionally see. I don't understand why every male-female friendship has to be so complicated.
05/27 Direct Link
The first day back at work after a three-day weekend is always hard. Imagine the first day back after a weeklong vacation! That's part of the reason I haven't taken a week off yet and I've been working there almost two years. I don't want to have that end-of-vacation slump. I know that vacations are supposed to energize you, but when you get started on a long-neglected hobby, you really are reluctant to get back into the 9-to-5 routine of work. The most I'll take off is a three-day vacation before the weekend. †
05/28 Direct Link
I am still learning. I think the biggest thing I've learned so far this year is that you are never truly alone. You cannot depend completely on yourself, and to do so is foolish and selfish. There have been many times when I have wanted to be totally alone with absolutely nobody to care about and no one to care about me. I didn't believe I deserved to be with other people because I always mess them up. It's not true. People are social creatures, and they are supposed to be together, struggling with difficulties and everything else with that.
05/29 Direct Link
Of course, the Elliot Rodger rampage has spawned another debate about feminism and misogyny. I don't think the guy was a misogynist or a misandrist. He was a misanthrope, period. He didn't seem like he cared for people at all; he spent so much time in his head that when he emerged, he believed he was a god and above all these mere mortals, above their human desires. He wanted sex to be outlawed. He wanted cultivated men (as he saw himself) to be able to determine who should get to sleep with the women. Seems like a Nazi weltanschauung.†
05/30 Direct Link
I smashed my hand into the doorjamb and it hurt. It probably happened because I was stumbling around in the morning, half-asleep and trying to wake up and trying not to trip over hungry cats. I get up at 5:30 on weekdays to get to work at the ludicrously early hour of 7. I'm one of those people who needs 8 hours of sleep to function, so I have to get to bed at 9:30, but that doesn't always work out. If I get into bed by 10:00 or later, it throws me off big time. †
05/31 Direct Link
I learned some interesting words from the spelling bee. Like holluschick and pampootie. The former is a young male fur seal, and the latter is a rawhide slipper or moccasin. My favorite speller was #38, who had a great amount of enthusiasm that only a 15-year-old nerd can have. Don't get me wrong, I love nerds, and #38 inspired me to keep being enthusiastic, even when you get the word wrong. I think this kid will go places in the future, and I will be glad when I see his name on CNN or in the newspaper someday.