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I have been on this website since 2007, so that's six years now. A lot has changed since then. In 2007, I was an idiot college freshman/sophomore who had a boyfriend she had tricked herself into loving, no job, and perfect grades. Now I am a slightly less idiotic entry-level corporate drone with no boyfriend and no grades. I have always loved school, so I often wish I could go back. I don't know what I would do with it, though. Getting a master's degree in English is stupid in this economy and my job doesn't require one.
I managed to meet my heavy deadline... 12 minutes before the deadline. Not because I procrastinated, but because I had just enough work to keep me busy for that period of time. I went to my full-time job, came home, did more work, stayed up too late, and collapsed into bed with a numb brain. Oh, well. I hear that's what all the college kids do these days, right around finals time. That's one thing I don't miss about college or school. Finals. Oh, and drama. I will never miss drama. Most, actually all, of it is plain stupid.
I'm reading this book, going blithely along through the pages, and all of a sudden I stumbled upon a scene about a foursome. Eck. But it was like a train wreck, so it wasn't like I could stop reading. The scene went on for a good eight pages (or, a very awkward eight pages, depending on whether you like foursomes). I'm sorry, but I could never understand doing it with complete strangers, let alone letting some complete stranger put his hands all over your girlfriend. I guess when you're on drugs, you really don't care that much. That's pretty sad.
My friend and I are going out today. I haven't gone out with him in a while. We're going to see Iron Man 3, and I'm interested in looking at Robert Downey, Jr., even though I don't like the character of Tony Stark that much. I call him Tony Snark. My best friend likes action movies and superheroes and things of that ilk, so he'll watch it for the explosions. To some extent, I'll watch it for the explosions, maybe some cultural references, and the funny parts. And Robert Downey, Jr. What's an Iron Man movie without Robert Downey, Jr.?
Even when I was a teenager, I didn't like teenagers. Always trying to pretend to be someone they're not, never knowing who they truly are, testing their parents' patience, doing dumb things for attention... I never liked who I was as a teenager. Looking back, I wanna slap that sixteen-year-old girl in the face and make her understand that the teenage years will not last forever. They will pass away and everything that happened during those years will become totally irrelevant. She won't have any of the same friends she had then, or any of the same thoughts.
The start of another dreary week. I guess I'll just have to smile and get through it. At least I didn't have to work all weekend like I did the past weekend, so I'm coming into the week rested. I am excited for the three-day Memorial Day weekend, so I can get some rest and relaxation and possibly some time to clean or get some stuff done that I urgently need to get done.
So... on a totally unrelated and almost idiotic note: My new favorite actor is Jason Segel. Why? I don't know. He plays cute characters.
The son is coming through the blinds and I am not fully awake yet. The coffee hasn't kicked in, and I'm half-asleep, half-daydreaming. I can do nothing but rub my eyes with my knuckles and decide whether to finish the novel I'm reading in the few minutes before work or get a few words of my manuscript down. I tell myself I will have energy in the afternoon, but I never do. In the afternoon, I get so tired from the commute that I zone out as soon as I get home. Endless cycle... I must break it.
I do not know whether I am meant to be married. It is true that I can see myself with someone, but I know that in relationships, I am petty and selfish and I need too much time alone. Yet, I can't really see myself single forever either. I think I'd get too lonely. I feel very divided on it; almost like I can go either way and be happy. Yet I get the sense that marriage would be a bigger struggle than being alone; I am used to being alone or doing things by myself, being independent, or whatever.
It was so foggy today that I could hardly see the road. The entire world was myopic, a cataract, a mist that I could step into and lose myself, forget who I am.
I do not know why, but seeing fog (especially as much fog as I saw this morning) brings out the romantic side of me. How I wish I could walk with someone through the fog, in the early morning, then we'd come back to the house or go to McD's or whatever and make coffee and just chat. Every day would be an adventure with him.
Sometimes I dream that I can run for hours without getting tired or without my legs or feet hurting. Last night I dreamed that I ran a race and won. I think it would be great to run in real life, but I'd have to eat a lot more and drink a lot more water to make up for it. Then I could put 13.1 and 26.2 bumper stickers on my car instead of having this bumper sticker that announces my distrust of the liberal media. I think running would be a lot more constructive than slacktivism.
I finally made it to the weekend. A hard-won victory, but not as hard-won as last week's. I started to read a new book. It's one of the ones I picked up at the library's book sale. The Picture of Dorian Gray. This particular copy looks like a mouse has chewed it around the edges. The man's face on the front cover looks particularly scary, but I like reading about scary things, and I keep hearing references to Dorian Gray, so now I'm reading the book and now I can make those references myself. If I want to.
I have already forgiven you. I don't want to stand on some high horse and pretend I'm better than you because I know I'm not. Nobody is any less or any more of a sinner than anyone else. We are all guilty. And I have forgiven you, and I want to ask you to forgive me. I am sorry I was so mean to you and that I said things behind your back. In truth, I didn't mean any of them. I was just so rude and petty back then that everything I said was skewed by meanness and hate.
I don't understand why I can't get over him... because I never wanted to date him in the first place. I was never really attracted to him. I more or less felt sorry for him, took pity on him, and said yes when he asked me out. I never thought it'd last such a long time or that he would be so clingy. Naive. Now I keep dreaming about him and how I wish we could have worked it out, but I've been over this before. We are too different and I never truly wanted to be with him.
I love it when things are worth every penny you spend on them. I've had several computer games that I have played over and over and over again. Pokemon, Petz... they never get old. Unreal Tournament's another one, and I don't even think we had to pay for that. I think it came with a computer we bought a long time ago. My old car, the one that constantly broke down... even that car was worth every penny because it was such a joy to drive. To hear the diesel engine rumbling and feel the seats vibrating. Good back massage.
Ooh, he's in trouble! I read this article on Fox News (Faux News, if you want to be biased) about how Obama's second term is in trouble. I would hate it if he got impeached and Joe Biden became president... I don't know if Biden would be better or worse than Obama.
What I don't understand is the whole gun control debate. I feel like it's OK to have rifles for hunting and protecting your home, but assault rifles are simply unnecessary. Then again, some people do collect them as a hobby. But don't buy the ammo? Maybe? IDK.
So the feminists are all up in arms about Barbie. I can kind of understand it, but at the same time... some little girls might actually want to play with Barbie. Some little girls might want to wear makeup, cook, clean, and do all the stereotypical "female" duties. And there are other little girls who would rather be tomboys and play with trucks and wear every color but pink. What is best for someone might not be best for another person. It's elementary. Feminists are just as guilty of being judgmental as anyone else on the planet. Get over yourselves.
You can never believe what you hear or what you read. You never should unless you have irrefutable proof. It's the same if you hear something (like a rumor) about somebody else, but you have no proof. You have to hear it from the person's mouth and the person has to say it to you before you make any assumptions. Hearsay is never accurate. You should always expect hearsay to be false. It's easy to believe it these days, when you can surf around online and find out things that may be true or that may validate what you've heard.
I was always taught that soft drinks are unhealthy. I know people who can't go a day without having their favorite soft drink. In a way, I can understand that. I can't go a day without having coffee. (Seriously. If I go without coffee for a day, I will get a monstrous headache.)
To me, a soft drink is like a sort of liquid candy. I don't eat candy every day, and I don't want to. Too many sweets make my stomach hurt. So basically, I only have soft drinks on very rare occasions. I pretend they are candy.
Lately, I've been thinking about dumb decisions I've made, and looking back, the reason I made those dumb decisions was because I listened to the loud voice instead of the calm, quiet voice that you're supposed to listen to. I suppose I can't blame myself too much. After all, I was only 13 and 15 and 16 at the times. Heck, even when I was 22 and 23, I still made the same mistakes. I'm going on 25 next month and I'll still make the same mistakes. Humans are imperfect and it's taking me a long time to accept that.
I have written several times about how 4chan is the most dangerous site (or the most dirty site) on the Internet. It's like falling into a black hole filled with stuff that isn't really all that funny, stuff you know you shouldn't be laughing at but laugh at anyway, and porn. Always the porn. Every kind of porn imaginable. It's a shame that so many supposedly intelligent people spend so much time on it. I don't know what the closest thing I can compare 4chan to is. A train wreck? A black hole? Something you want to look away from.
To me, stream-of-consciousness is the best kind of writing because you can let your subconscious mind come up with the words and the mental pictures and the lovely images that are often discarded when the conscious mind comes into play. It's easier to focus on stream-of-consciousness because it's pure thoughts. There isn't any external dialogue or description of the current setting. You might describe a setting, but it might be one from the past that's hard to envision in real life because something happened to it. Any number of interesting things can arise.
Yahoo bought Tumblr. I guess that should not surprise me. The big fish always swallows the little fish. Supposedly, people are leaving Tumblr en masse, but I'm going to wait until I see how Yahoo affects the site. I think they might make it better, but they also might add too many new features and ads and destroy the interface. It might end up looking ugly or, like Facebook, it may ask for and save too much of your personal information. Tumblr as it is now is like the little brother of 4chan; everyone is anonymous, to some extent.
Last night, I dreamed about a mental institution, furries, and 4chan. I guess all those things could be linked together, being that on 4chan you can literally find everything under the sun (and under the ground for that matter). The mental institution looked like one of those old-style Southern houses with the pillars and the many windows looking out toward the sun, but all the windows were shut up and when I walked up to the door and rang the bell, there was a picture of a scary-looking clown face. And a little boy on a pogo stick.
Today's the day before Memorial Day weekend. There was no one on the road. The commute was actually somewhat relaxing and peaceful, or perhaps that was because I was listening to The Smashing Pumpkins' Pisces Iscariot album on the radio. I don't care how old I get or how "emo" they supposedly are; I will always love The Smashing Pumpkins. I don't know if they're still my absolute favorite band, but they are definitely in my top 10 favorites. It's funny how you look back to 10 years ago and thought nothing in your life would change, then it does.
I wish I was brave enough to write about what really matters to me. Brave enough to stand up for what I believe in. But I cannot debate. I do not have the time and energy to look up facts and engage in true intellectual debate. Thus, I keep my opinions to myself. Because what are opinions without facts to back them up?
I read a book today where the main character thinks demure, quiet people are boring. I guess that makes me boring. I know I'm not the most exciting person. But who cares what a book says?
It's strange how certain events can stick with you. You hear a voice that reminds you of the voice of a person you once thought was so familiar, and all of a sudden, that takes you back. Or you see an object that you have only seen a few times before and that takes you on a trip to the past.
The past lurks all around, and it's difficult to come out on the right side of it. Too often it can suck you in and leave you high and dry and yearning and moping. Be in the present.
I was reading Lashawna's post about how much the end of a dating relationship will hurt depending on how much you put into it. I made the mistake of dating someone before I was complete as a person. I still don't think I'm complete as a person. I don't know if I ever will be confident of who I am; I tend to change who I am to suit what I imagine others want from me. At work I am a professional. When I'm taking to /b/, I'm a tomboy and a pervert. At home I'm my parents' little angel.
Back to work after the Memorial Day holiday. Not sure what to say about anything. I like my job, but as with every job I have ever had, social anxiety makes it difficult. Sometimes so difficult that I want to cry with frustration.
Eck. Nothing I hate more than self-pity, so I will stop that and have a good day. There are people out there who have problems that are far worse than mine and they still manage to get along without complaining too much. I get on my own nerves. I am my own worst enemy sometimes.
I keep having dreams about this girl who hated my guts for reasons that I was not entirely sure about. She was jealous, I suppose. But jealous of what? Most of the time, if you are jealous/envious of a person, your jealousy or envy are not justified. You usually don't have a very good reason to be jealous. Some people will always have better things than you have, and other people will always have things that are "inferior" to what you have. That old saying "there's always someone better and worse than you" comes to mind in this case.
Ick. I just got really busy all at once. Something for work arrived now and I didn't think it would arrive until tomorrow. A few weeks ago (I think at the beginning of this month), I said I enjoyed being busy. It's true. I do, but at the same time, sometimes, I just get too busy for my own good and want to rip my hair out. Not cool. I have yet to find that balance between busy and idle that I have been searching for. It may be something that's not meant to be found in this life. *sigh*
I probably look like I rolled out of bed. Soon and very soon, it will be my birthday. Your brain is supposed to be finished developing when you're in your early to mid-twenties, so I think my brain is a finished product by now. So I'll be stuck with all the thought processes I have had forever and all the strangeness that comes with that. I enjoy being an odd person, but I have never fit in with any group before. Never truly fit in or felt like I belonged. It doesn't matter. I'm an adult, not a kid.
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