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I love April, but I hate April Fool's Day. All I can hope is that nobody plays any pranks on me. I can't think of anyone who would. That doesn't matter because work might play some pranks on me... give me things to work on at the last minute -- you know, little annoying things like that. Not really a prank, but an annoyance.
Sometimes it seems like the entire world is undergoing this huge crisis of faith. That bothers me to no end, but I'll get over it. I can show an example, but I do not do that well.
I'm pretty sure I'm not going to write on this website anymore. I have become disillusioned with the Internet since I gave it up for Lent (well, I didn't give it up; I just reduced my time online). I'm thinking of stopping Twitter and Tumblr also. I will still have my blog up and running because I genuinely enjoy blogging, even though the sense of connection with people is like a false sense of security.
With the Internet, there's too much temptation to snoop -- to go where you're not supposed to go. To find out things that will hurt you.
Or maybe I won't stop writing in 100Words. I guess I've grown attached to this site since I've been writing every day for the past few years now. Years. That's an eternity on the Internet. Online, something "hot" usually lasts for a few months at the most, then a year passes, and it's totally unheard of, almost like it never existed in the first place. I guess I give people more credit than they deserve; most human beings are self-centered -- of course, I include myself in that. I try not to be so self-centered, but it is hard.
At my work, they have these little coffee stirrer thingies made out of little wooden sticks (to be compostable, I guess). (Wait, why does Firefox not recognize compostable as a word?) So I pulled one of them out of the box and it was all bent and stupid-looking and I thought it might disintegrate when I put it into my coffee, but it didn't, so I was very pleased.
Today will be a long day... pages and pages of tables. I'm behind in Camp NaNo, but not too far behind with my lessened word count goal. I shall see...
About the hot sauce entry on the homepage of this site... where I work, there are hot sauce bottles on the tables in the cafeteria. One time, I noticed a horrendous error on the hot sauce bottles. "Compliments every flavor" or something like that. Either way, it was the wrong "compliment" and I got upset. But not enough to take all the bottles of hot sauce and throw them out. Or complain. I forget what brand of hot sauce it was. Probably some knockoff. I know for sure it wasn't Texas Pete. He wouldn't get away with that big mistake.
I had a dream about a lake of blood outside my house, but it wasn't really a lake. It was like a flood of blood. I was with my sort-of boyfriend and I told him to look at the lake of blood with me, but he wasn't there all of a sudden and my brother showed up instead, so I told him to look at the lake with me and the lake disappeared. I have no idea what's up with that. I bet it had something to do with menstrual periods or something. Strange. Too much information, I know.
I thought about something strange the other day. My parents got married when they were 21 and 22. I am 24 and nowhere close to being married. I could not imagine being married. First off, I have nobody I could realistically get married to. Second, I don't think I'm mature enough to get married and live with a person. Third, I don't think I'm selfless enough. I have this incredibly selfish, mean streak where I want to be independent and proud all the time. Fourth, I am rapidly losing faith in men and in the human race in general.
The last words he said to me were that he missed me and I said I missed him too, then I never heard from him again because he went away. I miss him. But I don't just miss him. I miss the feeling he inspired in me, the courage he inspired in me. I miss his voice telling me that I was strong and that I was worth it. So in essence, I do miss him. Why I didn't stay with him, I don't know. I didn't want to ruin things, I guess. You can ruin a relationship that way.
Grrr... all of a sudden everything has collapsed and the easy schedule I thought I would have kind of caved in on itself as everything became somewhat of a problem. Oh, well. It's just a manner of adequate planning and scheduling; I should not have any problems. I guess when one thing happens, all the other things have to happen as well. Murphy's Law of scheduling. When you're expecting something, everything else you haven't been expecting will happen on the same day. Makes perfect sense, right? I guess. Don't really have much else to say except the weather is beautiful!
I have this relationship that keeps lingering. I would really love to be rid of this relationship, but I just can't bring myself to cut the cord and let it go. There is too much riding on it, in a way. I keep telling myself what the worst thing that could happen is, and even though it's not that bad, I still can't bring myself to let this relationship go. I know it's unhealthy that I'm still in love with him, but at the same time, the only way I can let go is to let go of everything... *sigh*
Maybe I should throw everything away: all the notes and the journals and the memories from way back when. It would be nice to start fresh. Or if I don't have the courage to throw things away, perhaps I could just put them in storage and dig them out only when I really feel like I need to. But when do we ever need to look back? Our memories will give us the most important things. What we tend to look back at are little insignificant pieces of things that it turns out we really do not need to remember.
It's April 12. Part of the "miniseries" of April, which are these next two weeks, and basically the entire month. It's a made-up story that I have that's part legend, part myth, and part reality. On April 20, I'm going to post something to my Tumblr that will debunk that myth and the accompanying legend. I will be taken seriously. I will worship God now and not some made up hierarchy in my own brain. I will follow the rules of the church I belong to. Manmade things and human emotions will hold no sway over me. I'm stronger.
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, and I hope I will be getting to go outside today. I am tired of spending so much time in front of the computer. I'm at work and I spend 8+ hours in front of the computer, then I come home. My hobby is writing, so I'm spending more time in front of the computer. Urgh. Either I am changing to writing with pen and paper the old-fashioned way, or I'm finding a new hobby. I don't like feeling like I'm wasting my life and energy in front of a machine.
OK, so I've been watching Freaks and Geeks on Netflix. The show was supposedly cancelled after just one season, and that makes me mad because it was a good show. I didn't go to high school in the 80s (in fact, I wasn't even alive when the show took place), but high school is a timeless experience because all the same things happen: the cliques, the pep rallies, the lame dances, getting put in the friend zone, weird fashions, getting picked on for being yourself, the druggies, the geeks, the freaks... it's incredibly real. That's why I like the show.
100 Words should have some kind of automatic save feature. I just typed my post, pressed "PREVIEW" and an error came up, so I lost my post. Grr... luckily, it's only 100 words and not 1,000 words or 500 or anything like that. I guess it's also good that I never really write about anything important on here. I'm starting to save the very important stuff for my notebooks because lately I've grown paranoid about the Internet. Even if entries are marked as "private," the server could crash and everything could be lost in a millisecond. Why risk it?
I made my coffee too sweet, but I need something to perk me up. I don't know what to do about a certain issue in my life. I am finally going to put something in God's hands and let him deal with it because I am not big enough to handle this issue. It's really not even my issue to have to handle. I was more or less thrust in the middle of a situation and I don't think I should have been put in the middle. That's all I'm going to say, at the risk of sounding passive-aggressive.
I hate it when I end up sleeping in a strange position, then when I wake up, I'm all in pain. Why didn't I wake up and change positions in the middle of the night? I don't know.
Today is April 17, otherwise known as The Day of Silence in my old mythos. I'm not sure I'm going to call it that anymore. I guess I will just have to call it April 17, and that will prove that I no longer see it as important as I used to. It is past time to give up these childish things.
I had a dream last night that I was singing "The Star-Spangled Banner." Why? I'm not sure. But I did dream that everyone except me forgot the last verse and I was singing my heart out, totally content.
I think it is because our country's been taking a lot of crap this week, what with someone trying to kill the president with ricin, the Boston Marathon bombing, and now the explosion in Texas. It's just so unfair. All we can do is pray, I suppose. Our country and our people are strong, so we should be able to recover.
in the heat of the moment, you do things you regret. i am thinking of a day eleven months ago. i did something i regretted, but in the moment it was the most beautiful thing. i am not even sure i regret it one hundred percent. i think back to it and i miss him and i still love him but i would not do what i did again. i hate how illogical i can be sometimes and how the heat of the moment can destroy things. how you pass it off as ok when it really is not ok.
It's April 20, the day in which I remember my childlike innocence and look back upon it with fondness.
In a way, I wish we never had to lose our innocence. I wish we never had to worry about the horrors and the harshness of reality. I wish we could just focus on learning and growing as children do and not have to put on that grownup serious face of maturity.
To this day, I like people who have youthful enthusiasm for what they do. I admire those people because, in a way, they haven't lost their innocence.
Sometimes I feel like writing about really gross things on here: bodily functions, bodily fluids, things that happen to females at a certain time of the month, nasty things that happen in hospitals and prisons and elementary schools...
Speaking of which, way back in elementary school, we used to make "recipes," which was basically mixing up all the cafeteria food on our plate and then daring someone to eat it. I think everyone made at least one "recipe" in elementary school -- or even middle or high school, if you were that bored. So much nastiness at such a young age.
I keep having dreams about sex. I mean, literally every night for the past two weeks I have had dreams about sex. You may think that's a good thing, and it sometimes is. But in these dreams, I have zero control over who I have sex with or how it goes or anything. Some nights, it's OK, but other nights, it's like some terrible porno. At this point, I'm getting exhausted by these dreams because they are meaningless. Never have I had a dream where I actually wanted the person who was having sex with me. It is very frustrating.
The body is an amazing mechanism. Everything we're naturally born with serves a distinct purpose, even those things we think don't have purpose. Well, then again, there are vestigial structures, but I'm not counting those. I'm thinking of things like body hair that we tend to think is gross. It serves a purpose. I hope I'm not being disgusting when I say this, but a man's natural scent (to me) is better than any kind of cologne he could wear... that stuff normally just gives me a huge headache. A little here and there is OK, but too much... ew.
Every day, we get a bit older. Today is my parents' 42nd wedding anniversary. I can't imagine being with somebody that long, unless I could deal with them without wanting to tear my hair out in frustration. I think it would be nice, though, to have a soul mate who was there for you through so many years, who knew you so well, and who you had built a life with. I can't think of anyone in their right mind who would put up with me for that long, though. And I would have to put up with them, too.
Today is one of those days where I won't be able to concentrate on anything to save my life. I've been waiting on the weekend since Monday (isn't that awful?) and I keep thinking that there's going to be some kind of vacation where everyone is off from work all at the same time, like spring break at school. But that won't happen. I think that's one of the hardest things to deal with about getting adjusted to a new job. I had a four-day break in December, and that's the longest break I've had for a few years.
I feel so off-balance this week. Last week, I was really busy at work, so it was OK. I like when I'm busy at work, so I don't have to listen to anything else that goes on in my mind. The worries and doubts fade away. Yet when I'm idle or when I'm not that busy at home or at work, the doubts come back. The negativity comes back. It reminds me of that saying "Mind the gap" -- it's sort of like "fill the gap" with good things before the bad things come rushing in to fill it.
I think I'm going to be a bit busier from now until Friday, so perhaps all these creeping doubts and frustrations won't come into my mind. I hate being idle because I eventually drive myself (and probably others) completely crazy. When I was in fourth and fifth grade, I hated summer vacations because they were so long and I would inevitably get bored. My parents never signed me up for any camps or anything like that -- I wish they would have. I also wish year-round school calendars had been invented back then. A two-week break would've been great.
Is there ever a middle ground between feeling not busy enough (too idle) and way too busy? I'm usually one or the other and there usually is not a middle ground. The closest I came to middle ground was at work during the Christmas break when I had exactly enough work to keep me occupied when my boss was out and I was one of the only people in the office (traffic was great!). I mean, I can handle a lot of work, and I would definitely rather be too busy than not busy enough, if you know my meaning.
Today is one of those days where I want to zone out... it's raining and kind of gross and I have about a million impending deadlines. I took on way too much work for myself and it's keeping me busy, but it's also driving me up the wall. Therefore, I don't know how I am going to survive the week without having a mental breakdown or two. Or at least some kind of crying jag. I guess I will take things one step at a time because that's all anyone can really do, right? I don't know where to step.
OK, before you submit your manuscript to a company for publishing, you should make it the best that it can be. I'm not sure if that works for nonfiction manuscripts -- from what I understand, they are accepted on the basis of a proposal and not an entire manuscript. But still. When you are sending your manuscript to an editor, the very least you can do is run Microsoft Word's spellcheck to pick up on embarrassing typos. It's embarrassing when you send off your manuscript and it's loaded with errors, even factual errors. Invest in a good editor before you submit!
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