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BY M

01/01 Direct Link
I think I might do something different this year and have all my entries on this site follow a particular theme. I do not know of a theme I could write about every day for 365 days except perhaps "rants about my ex-boyfriend," but I suspect that would get old quickly. I am reading a book on writing, and I can honestly say I wish I could write like that book's author. I am jealous. But this year is another chance to hone my skills (I almost spelled it "hown") and get better, but not get published quite yet. 
01/02 Direct Link
Talk about not starting the new year off on the right foot... at dinner (one of the few times my family ever goes out to eat together, mind you), I made this rude remark to my mother, who got completely offended and didn't say anything for the rest of the meal. My brother and my dad found it kind of funny; my dad didn't think what I said was rude. He just said my mother took it the wrong way. No matter what, I felt bad.
My ex is trying to get back in my good graces, too. Oh, 2013...
01/03 Direct Link
They come in pairs to confuse you, confound you, and subtly force (if there is such a thing) you into making the wrong decision. Or if not the outright wrong decision, one that is slightly worse than the best decision. Never do they come in just one. There are always two, and there are frequently more. They attack at night when the sun goes down, when you are asleep and therefore most vulnerable. You might call them incubi, or nightmares, or ghosts or ghouls or specters from your past. In reality, they are none of those things. They draw breath.
01/04 Direct Link

i should start typing without capitalizing a single word. even after a period. just like this. it makes my writing look somewhat more artsy. i notice hipsters doing it all the time on sites like tumblr and even twitter and they use it as the caption for their instagram photos. it's easier to type without having to press shift and hold it down to get the capital letter, but if i wanted a sign like an exclamation point i would still have to hold it down ! unless i wanted to create a sense of muted excitement or blank-faced disinterest.

01/05 Direct Link
Ever since they started having Metallica songs on Spotify, I have had "Whiskey in the Jar" stuck in my head. I know, I know. It's not a true Metallica song; it's actually a cover of a much older song, but I don't see the point of arguing over who did the best version: the original artist or the cover artist. The original artist created it, then the cover artist put his or her own spin on it and made it unique, though not necessarily better. It was meant to be a tribute, not something to be argued over. Rant ended.
01/06 Direct Link
I'm reading Bridget Jones's Diary right now and I have zero sympathy for the main character, who is hilarious, but a bumbling idiot who can't get her life together. I've read other chick lit books, but none with a main character this unsympathetic. The journey to finding yourself as a woman doesn't have anything to do with you getting yourself into dumb situations and whining when it's hard to get out of them, although I guess that's what it takes for some women to find themselves. I don't know. I want to get this book over with. I hate Bridget.
01/07 Direct Link
I thought I had forgotten to write yesterday, but it turns out I didn't. I keep this website on my bookmarks bar so I see the little image and remember to write. Only problem is... I have nothing to write about. I live with my parents. I'm over 18, so should I have to tell them where I'm going every time I go out? It's not like I'm doing anything nefarious. I was the nicest, most well-behaved girl and when I do one little thing wrong, it's like all hell breaks loose and they lose all respect for me.
01/08 Direct Link
It's frustrating when you put your heart and soul into a person and they cannot understand you. They cannot comprehend anything about who you are or what your life is like. They cannot take anything seriously, including your love for them. You may not be too good with words (at least spoken words), but when you write your words down, fold them up, and give them to that person, they are either ignored or taken for granted. You continue loving that person even though you're curled up crying alone in bed every night realizing that person cannot love you back.
01/09 Direct Link
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to try and find friends or try and find someone who could be a husband. I am not good in social situations. I'm OK when it's just me and one other person, but if it's more than three in the group, I tend to get anxious. I'm not just an introvert; I do have some degree of social anxiety. I've never had very many friends and I've never had the desire for friends. But at the same time, I don't want to end up completely alone. Not sure what to do here.
01/10 Direct Link
I started work early today, so maybe I won't be so tempted to go home and zone out in front of the computer without doing anything productive. It gets on my nerves when I feel like I can't accomplish anything. Yesterday, I was talking to someone and they said something about "all my friends." I felt like saying, "What friends?" I have a grand total of two friends, and I'm not counting family in that number because family is always there for you. Friends come and go, but you always have your family. Weird topic for a post, I know.
01/11 Direct Link
I can't believe how fast this week has gone by, yet at the same time, how slow it's gone by. Sometimes I wish time would speed up, but then I feel bad for wishing that because time goes fast enough already. Quite strange. Looking for something to do at work. About to fill up my journal. Need to go to the bookstore and spend my gift certificate. Not sure why I've devolved into typing in fragments. Wondering why men are so difficult to understand. Wondering whether my entire life will be the same from here on out... or really different.
01/12 Direct Link
Dear you,

I always find myself thinking about you at the most random times. Today I was reading a paper that I was going to edit and I saw the acronym CMOS. I went to define it and all of those words that made up the acronym reminded me of you. On my way home, I saw a car that looked like yours. All day I thought of you and thought that if our paths crossed again, perhaps you wouldn't hate me. I can't help that I'm incapable of loving another human being. I don't blame you.

With sincerity,
Me
01/13 Direct Link
I had a dream last night that would make Salvador Dali proud. I dreamed about eggs. And being in this wooden house with white curtains and all of a sudden, blood started to drop from the ceiling onto one of the white curtains, so everyone evacuated the house. I held an egg in my hand and it hatched into a bird that I thought was dead, but slowly grew bigger and bigger and was very much alive. There were other weird parts of the dream, but it was so frustrating that I just wanted to wake up and be finished. 
01/14 Direct Link
Someone used the word "charming" to describe me. Kind of weird. I don't consider myself all that charming. Awkward, yes. Ridiculous, yes. Easily irritated, yes. Sometimes funny or amusing, yes. I think I am just having one of those days where I am super-sensitive and read into every remark I hear. I don't like those days. I'd rather be carefree like I was yesterday when I went walking. I build my self-esteem up for myself and I get into reality and reality tears it down. So I build it up. Gets torn down... and the cycle continues indefinitely.
01/15 Direct Link
It hurts to realize that a person you thought cared about you never really cared at all. They might have thought they did in the moment, but when the moment passed, they forgot you ever existed. Or perhaps they wanted to use you for personal gain and when they couldn't use you anymore, they discarded you. I have one friend in the world and I wouldn't treat him like that. Or any of my family members. I hold them higher than that. I do not have to fake my love or affection for them because I really do mean it.
01/16 Direct Link
I wonder if, since the Newtown shootings, they've banned Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" and similar songs from the radio. They did that after Columbine, if I remember correctly. Now, I was only in elementary school when Columbine happened, so I don't remember that much about it. But when I was a senior in high school, I started researching school shootings - not for any kind of school project, but because I wanted to. So it's become kind of my pet research interest. My hope is that schools will become safe. I don't know if more gun control is the answer.
01/17 Direct Link
I was listening to Seether on the way to work this morning and got a little upset. Why are we so blind in high school? If I ever have a daughter, I will not allow her to go on dates until she is sixteen and even then, I will have to meet the guy first. Seriously. I am going to be the strictest, meanest parent ever, but my kids will thank me for it. No cell phones in middle schoool. Definitely none in elementary school. High school is dangerous. (College, even more so, but that is different). Be on guard.
01/18 Direct Link
I was going to try and type these 100 words with one hand because I was holding a sandwich in my other hand, but I put the sandwich down.

In other news, it "snowed" today. The roads were fine by the time I went out, but the parking lot where I work was icy, so the hardest part of my commute was walking across the parking lot holding my laptop in my arms because I do not have a laptop bag for it. Need to get one. Maybe a pretty one. But my laptop is huge; it might not fit.
01/19 Direct Link
I have to work this weekend. That's OK, I guess, although it's going to set off the progress on my work in progress (AKA the bane of my existence). 

I made an art in my journal today. I suppose I was inspired by all the pretty "art journals" on Tumblr. I basically got out a lot of crayons and scribbled, but it was nice because it helped release some stress. Nothing like scribbling furiously to make yourself feel better about certain things. I want to make the rest of my journal as pretty or as colorful as that page.
01/20 Direct Link
I didn't really expect to work all weekend and get behind in my work in progress just after I made a huge chart of deadlines. Oh, well. Work must override any personal pursuits. Isn't that sad? But that's the way it is. And it's not like I'm still a waitress, running around all day and getting abused by customers. I worked 11 or 12 days without a day off back then, but they were good days because they were constantly busy and didn't give me much of a chance to think about how tired I was. I collapsed in bed.
01/21 Direct Link
Well, it's Martin Luther King Jr. Day. In a way, I wish I had been there at that time to see him speak. I admire MLK Jr.

It's also St. Agnes's Day. I'm not sure whether today is the day of her birth or the day of her death. For saints' days, it's usually the day of their death, or in Agnes's case, it would be the day she was martyred. Not a lot is known about her and I think that's a bit of a shame. Most of the stories are more like legends, so what is the truth?
01/22 Direct Link
I don't know what to believe. I feel like quoting song lyrics, as I usually do when I am feeling so many emotions I can't come up with my own words. That makes me wonder if listening to music (popular music) is bad for writing poetry. You might start echoing the thoughts and rhymes of Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, or any number of today's "entertainers." You might not be able to write a good line for yourself until you start to read real poetry again. Songs are all poems, but not all poems are songs. It's quite odd.
01/23 Direct Link
Yesterday was the 40th anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, which I didn't remember until I got on CNN and saw this article about how the prolife/pro-choice debate still rages today.

"Roe" is a devout Catholic now and she is anti-abortion. I find that interesting, and it's especially interesting how the media try to cover that up. Or at least, it's not something they broadcast.

To me, there is no debate. Life is life. When does a baby become a baby and cease to be just a fetus or a ball of cells? It's always a human life.
01/24 Direct Link
I have the possibility of getting into another relationship. A very vague possibility, mind you. But a possibility does exist. And I don't want a relationship with someone I suspect will do nothing more than remind me of my ex, so I shall put him in the friend zone. Women usually have good reasons for putting guys in the friend zone, contrary to what guys think. They just don't tell guys the reasons because they don't want to hurt their feelings, or they think the guy will hate on them and call them a slut or something. I don't know.
01/25 Direct Link
I hate it when I finally get the cojones to open up to someone, to be honest with them, to tell them secret things... and they use my own honesty against me. They slam the proverbial door in my face and close me off to talking to them or telling them anything and they still expect to be my friend. Sorry - it doesn't happen that way. You don't abuse my trust, because I would never do that to you. I'm not that kind of person.

One of the many reasons why my friendships fail.

Urgh, I sound so emo today.
01/26 Direct Link
I live with my parents and that's not a bad thing. I could see if you were arguing with your parents all the time - then maybe it would be feasible for you to leave. But living with my parents has too many good points that beat out the bad points. For one - the amount of rent I pay is reduced. I get meals cooked for me. I live with cute, cuddly creatures. I have people who love me and aren't going to just up and leave. I have all my things here. I get along with my parents and brother.
01/27 Direct Link
I'm writing this post about my writing that I am worried about.

It's tough to write something with someone - as in, have a co-writer. I would like to pull away and do things myself, but the main idea for the story originated with my co-writer, so it's not my decision to make, really - even though I feel like I have put far more hours into the project.

Well, I guess sometimes life isn't fair and that's something we will all have to get used to. I am in my twenties and I'm still not used to it. 
01/28 Direct Link
Sometimes I think the best ideas I get come to me in my dreams. It happened to me last night when I fell asleep after I ranted for a good half hour about my current work in progress and how I feel like I ought to give up on it completely because it's not really mine at all (long story).

Now I have another story in my head, but will the idea stay with me? I'm writing it down right now, so the best question is probably... will the zeal and excitement I have for the idea stay with me?
01/29 Direct Link
During the week, I always get tired. Maybe my iron is getting low or something. I mean, I get the right amount of sleep. I don't exercise hardly at all. My job isn't physically strenuous. Mentally, perhaps - so maybe exercising my brain all the time is what's making me tired. Or else I have some pervasive autoimmune disease. Or I'm just falling into a paranoid state like one of my characters in the book I'm working on. Something like that. No matter what, it's a pain in the neck and I don't know what to do about it. Probably nothing?
01/30 Direct Link
I wish I wasn't so fearful and self-centered and mean-spirited and rude all the time. I wasn't brought up to be that way. There were no hardships in my life that led me to act in these ways. It's really just shyness. It's a fear of people interpreting what I say or do as negative. I try my best within my own limitations and I think that's the important thing. I always have this sense of "I should be doing this" and that's negative. I am happy, but I am also disappointed in myself for no real reason.
01/31 Direct Link
A friendship is something that has to be maintained. I guess like a garden or a topiary. If you neglect it, it'll die.

I don't have the energy or effort to maintain friendships. I have never learned how. Friends have never been a significant part of my life. My family has made up the "friendship" part of my life and I don't feel like I need friends outside the members of my family. Does society call that weird? Yes. Do I care? Obviously, since I'm writing this post about it.

Oh, well. You can call me weird if you want.