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BY M

09/01 Direct Link
The Internet makes me nervous at times. You can find out a lot about a person on the Internet. You can see where someone lives, their hobbies, their friends, where they've lived in the past, how old they are, and all kinds of other interesting tidbits. It makes stalking easy. It makes researching a potential date or employer very easy. It enables you to look at another person without expending any effort to get to know him by actually talking to him. It's a bit like cheating, in a way. To have a relationship requires actually talking to a person. 
09/02 Direct Link
I have a Disturbed song stuck in my head. Good choice for a Sunday, no? Probably about 95% of the time, I wake up with a song stuck in my head. For a while, it was Ellie Goulding's "Lights" and for a long time before that it was "Whatever You Like" by T.I. (The sad thing is, I'm still not sick of the T.I. song. I could listen to it all day long and all night long and probably still not get sick of it. I'm not sure why. Usually I'm not into hip-hop.) But I digress.
09/03 Direct Link
Time to bring out the grenades and the C-4 and kill the zombie. But before I lapse into metaphor, I want to say that I am thrilled that this is the first three-day weekend I have had in over a year. It's insane. Before I had a serious job, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to survive without a three-day weekend... but somehow I did. It's just that school gets you accustomed to long weekends and long breaks, but in the real world, that doesn't happen. Breaks and weekends are shorter... and they're sweeter, too.
09/04 Direct Link
Four years ago today, I met you. (It doesn't feel like it was that long ago, really.) You walked right up to me and introduced yourself, even though I probably looked quite foolish with my short hair and unplucked eyebrows. You remembered my name when you walked away, although you forgot everyone else's. You didn't care how awkward you were. I underestimated you. I thought I could deter you. How wrong I was. I could never love you and you could never love me. You saved my life. You're not here to save me now, but I don't need you.
09/05 Direct Link

I put too much emphasis/value on virginity. Not necessarily bodily virginity, but purity and innocence. I think it's important to be a "pure" and "innocent" person, even though we may be far past the age when everyone else normally loses their innocence. I think I would rather be innocent... and that's different from "naive." I think they do mean the same thing, but "naive" has negative connotations, whereas "innocent" means being aware of the world, but choosing to remain pure, outside of the things in the world that can corrupt. Eh, it's all about semantics, I suppose.  

09/06 Direct Link
Yep, I think I'll make a U-turn and I definitely won't be back down that road again. Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice and shame on me. (I think that's how the saying goes.) I'm going to tell him not to come back. Don't ever come back. Live your life and forget I exist, although that may take a good ten years or more. And I will do my best to forget you exist, forget I ever loved you, live the way I want to life. If a relationship is dragging you down, end it.
09/07 Direct Link

It is amazing how the decisions you make when you are a teenager can impact your life so heavily. You may not think they do, but they definitely can. I would say that everything from sixth grade and up matters for who you will become in your adult life. Elementary school has some impact, but I want to argue that most of the things you do in elementary school are not your fault. You are not fully cognizant of what you do in elementary school; your brain is not quite as developed as it will be in later years.

09/08 Direct Link
It's better to have a crush than be in a relationship. Why? You can idealize your crush. You can imagine that they're a stellar individual. You can envision how good they'd treat you. But when or if you get in a relationship with that person, you discover all their flaws. You discover things you never would have wanted to know. And you wish you could go back to the idealized vision you had of them back when you had a crush. Now that you're with them, you wonder why you even had a crush on them in the first place.   
09/09 Direct Link
I thought the person you loved (and who supposedly loves you) wasn't supposed to make you out to be the bad guy. All of a sudden, I'm a terrible person because I don't like his friends, because I'm still a virgin, because I go to church, because I at least try to conduct my life with some kind of honor and decency. I don't lord it over others, and I don't lord it over him. He says I'm jealous of him because he has friends and I don't. I do have friends, but I don't hang out every single second. 
09/10 Direct Link
I will not lie down in my master's house.
I shall not sleep on the bed,
not at the foot,
not under the covers,
not with my back against his warmth,
not with my arm sliding into the crack
between corner and wall.
Put me on the stoop outside,
listen to me wail all night.
I may complain, but I will not
lie down in my master's house.
The moon arises,
shines its light.
I am silver, I am right.
Wind rages,
trees dance and sigh.
I hear the voice of every nightbird.
I will not lie down in my master's house.
09/11 Direct Link

Today is the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center. I still remember it, being an 8th grader at the time and sitting at my desk in Algebra, thinking it was all some kind of preview for a movie... something that wasn't real. The enormity of what had happened did not sink into my mind for a long time after.

September 11 is also his birthday. He doesn't know that I remember his birthday, but I remember dates all the time, so that is another thing I think of when I think of today.

09/12 Direct Link
I think it was the waffle that did it. The waffle that reminded me of April 8, big and soft and chewy, with a pool of sticky syrup too sweet for me to eat. It was the waffle that cemented it in my mind: the fact that I had to leave. I had to get out. I could no longer stand it. I could not finish that waffle, just as I could not finish the first one. So I left a tiny square of it on my plate, that tiny piece in a pool of syrup like blood.

The end.
09/13 Direct Link
I'm not experienced in relationships. They're not my strongest point. I'm not good at them. I suppose I could get better if I tried, but it's not worth it to try. At least, it's not worth it with this particular person. We are too different. He is pro everything I am anti, and I am pro everything he is anti. I cannot live with someone who would disagree with me about everything I love, all my values, my morals. I value those things. I hold them tight and I would never want to lose what makes me who I am. 
09/14 Direct Link
The hard part is over. Now begins the even harder part... actually finding the person who is right for me, if that person even exists. Part of me doesn't think he's real. Part of me thinks I'm too weird to even have a person love me. But that's insecurity talking.

I don't really want to focus on finding the person. I want to focus on my career and my future and eventually moving out of my parents' house. Maybe moving closer to where my job is so that I won't have to spend so much money in gas every week.
09/15 Direct Link
Now there are all the things I couldn't say. Things he didn't give me time to articulate, things he wouldn't want to hear anyway. But I will write them down, immortalize them in paper, and they will repeat themselves to me as reminder never to go back down that road. It's like being lactose intolerant... perhaps you really like the taste of dairy, but know you shouldn't have it because you're lactose intolerant, yet you have some anyway and it makes you sick and uncomfortable. That's what having this kind of relationship is like. A food allergy or lactose intolerance.
09/16 Direct Link
Changes in the weather fill me with nostalgia. I don't know why. Maybe I have seasonal affective disorder or something. But the thing is, I don't get depressed; I just get melancholy... even though that's kind of the same thing. I think about the past more: parts of the past I liked and parts of it I would never want to go back to. Mostly high school. I liked the first two years. I regretted my last two years. It had a lot to do with the people I was hanging out with then, and I shouldn't have chosen them.
09/17 Direct Link
If there is no meaning to something, I try to make meaning out of it. Yes, I overthink. I like it and I hate it. Overthinking is one of my greatest flaws, yet it is also one of my greatest traits. We all have our tragic flaws that we have to deal with through life. We wonder what it would be like to have someone else's tragic flaws. Would life be any easier or harder to deal with? I don't necessarily think so. Everyone thinks their own faults and flaws are the worst, and it may be true for them.
09/18 Direct Link
I suppose it's the writer in me that always wants to be left alone, sometimes to my detriment. But for the most part (probably around 95% of the time), I don't mind being left alone. I get more accomplished. I can think more clearly. To me, there is nothing worse than being at a party and having to make small talk with people you don't know (and honestly wouldn't care to know). Or pretending to be interested in someone's kids when you don't have kids yourself and have no idea how to deal with kids if you did have them.
09/19 Direct Link
Slowly but surely, my work in progress is getting near to completion. Events of the past nine months or so have put me off my goal by about nine months and that really bothers me, but I will get back on track soon enough. I will make a plan and follow through (just like Brian Boitano would do). I won't let anything distract me again. But I realize that our lives and our plans are imperfect, no matter how hard we try. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as the perfect person or the perfect plan or the perfect goal.
09/20 Direct Link
I cannot wait until Saturday and I'm not sure why. I have to go clothes shopping. I hate clothes shopping with an all-consuming passion. I'm a size 0, not because I want to be. I could literally eat fast food all day and not gain anything. I don't like the comments I get. "Are you OK? You look like you've lost weight." "Where do you shop? How do you find stuff that fits you?" "You're so lucky. I wish I was your size." "Your wrists are so tiny!"

I don't talk about how plump you are... or how I wish I was your size.  
09/21 Direct Link
Do you remember your first crush? Do you remember how old you were, how old the other person was? Do you remember thinking about them constantly, wondering if they liked you back? Do you remember how precious every look, every word, every gesture became?

I miss having a crush. There was something sweet and romantic about it, and something hopeful. That's the best part of having a crush. There is always hope, until something happens that crushes your hope. They might get in a relationship and the fun of having a crush is over, for the most part.
09/22 Direct Link
There's this prayer I used to pray every single morning before school. I don't know when I stopped praying it or what made me stop. I know that nobody explicitly told me to. I suppose my life was getting out of control and I didn't even feel worthy enough to talk to God, even if all my talk was just reciting words off a piece of paper. I sort of feel that way now: unworthy. I know that God even forgives murderers, but I wonder why he should forgive me. It wasn't like I didn't know what I was doing.
09/23 Direct Link
Why is there that stereotypical double standard when it comes to guys and girls and sex? When a girl turns 16 (or 14 or 15), her dad's all like, "Any guy who dates you, I will be sitting outside with my shotgun." When a guy turns 16, his dad hands him a condom and a wink. Why the double standard? Why is it OK for guys to sleep with tons of girls and yet, if a girl sleeps with anybody, she's immediately dubbed a slut? I suppose the women's rights movement has been trying to take care of that stereotype.
09/24 Direct Link
It might seem like a terrible opinion, and quite old-fashioned for this day and age, but I see Internet dating sites as the last resort when it comes to finding someone. After all, on the Internet you can be anyone you want. You can choose to only portray the positive aspects of your life, you can bare it all, or you can create a completely new version of yourself. You can trick someone on the Internet. I fear Internet dating sites for that reason. Not everybody is honest, and not everybody has the best intentions at heart.
09/25 Direct Link
My words are here to stay. They are not art. I am no Proust. I am no Faulkner. I'm not even Stephenie Meyer. My words are rantings, angst, hatred, love, confusion, lust... every feeling I can ever feel, compounded into words that can be spoken and articulated, though I have articulated them here without beauty. I do not regret a word, yet at the same time, I regret every word I have ever typed.

Some of these words are true, and some are not. I have played many characters. I have shown aspects of myself. You do not know me.
09/26 Direct Link
I feel better than I did yesterday in terms of getting over him. It's hard to get over someone you've spent 8 years with (and without). Sometimes I think it might be impossible, but I know that's not true. I realized that there is a new song by Pink that fits my relationship situation perfectly (well, except for the part about her getting drunk and taking somebody home). Oddly enough, the new Pink song in 2009 fit my relationship situation perfectly, too. Maybe in another universe, I am Pink. Who knows? But it was a neat coincidence.
09/27 Direct Link
I think I realized how people can stay at the same full-time job for ten years or more. After awhile, the days get so busy they begin to blend into each other and you lose track of time. These past few months have flown by so fast for me, and I think it's due to the fact that my full-time job is taking up so much of my time. It's keeping my mind off the clock, off the passage of time. My part-time job didn't do that; there was too much in-between time. I couldn't think.
09/28 Direct Link
I hate sounding like a pretentious jerk, but I've been reading Proust lately and this guy is my soul mate. Really. It's like he opened my brain, found all the words I could not say, and put them down on paper. His experiences of jealousy are mine. It makes me frightened for my mental health, and for the welfare of whoever becomes my next boyfriend, but even so... he knows what's up. That's one of the best things about reading: that connection with the author, even though he's long dead and you're still walking the earth, nose in a book.
09/29 Direct Link
The school board of the county neighboring the county where I live fired its superintendent. Why? Because of politics. Parents and teachers thought this superintendent was the best one the county had had in a long time. The school board, because of its decision to fire the superintendent, is facing the loss of its accreditation status. I don't really know what that means or what the implications of it are, but still. It's not a good thing. I wish school boards could be more about the children and less about the politics and adults acting like they're in middle school.
09/30 Direct Link
Last day of September. What I'm really looking forward to is November and when it'll start getting really dark at night. Usually, I don't look forward to that, but for some reason I am. I am looking forward to November because I get to start a new writing project I've been wanting to start for some time now. I'll get to take a bit of a break on my existing WiP. As much as I love my WiP, it does get a bit tiring after awhile. I guess when you love your kids, but they tire you out some days.