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BY M

08/01 Direct Link
It's August - now I just have to change my calendar to the right month... there we go. I'm going to write a new novel this month... now all I have to do is get off my butt (or on my butt, rather) and start writing as frantically as possible in order to get it all down on paper. I tried to stay after work and write there, but I had to get home. Sometimes I can't stand that office building. It's always too cold in there, but that can't be helped. It's an office. They are supposed to be cold.
08/02 Direct Link
I thought about something I hadn't thought about in a long time, but I've already forgotten what it was. I thought it might be cool to write about for my 100 Words, but I can't think of it... argh! I think it had something to do with soap operas, and eighth grade, and how summers go by so fast, and how sixth grade was the lost year and how I actually met him when I was in sixth grade and he was in fourth grade, so I knew him before any of the others... but this is not making sense.
08/03 Direct Link
Well, this is awkward. I come home and my parents are having a Talk. Not sure what it's about, but at least they can talk to each other without yelling and screaming (but who knows, maybe they were yelling and screaming before I walked in the door). Even so, it's kind of odd. But everyone has some communication problems from time to time, I suppose.

I'm just glad it's Friday and I hopefully get to go out on Friday night like a normal person instead of going to bed at an obscenely early hour to make up for rising early.
08/04 Direct Link
I believe today is Obama's birthday. Well, that's nice. Happy birthday, Mr. President. He is 51 today and supposedly there's this huge birthday party going on at the White House. Banner ads all over the Internet kept asking me to donate, to contribute. Eh, no. I have better things to do with my money. But even if I liked the president, I doubt I'd contribute to his birthday party anyway. Politicians are all bloodsuckers. The people who would actually be good leaders would never run because they do not have the funds or the support of those in high places.
08/05 Direct Link
I know what I wanted to write a 100 Words entry about -- your first car ride alone, after you got your driver license and you didn't have to have someone riding with you. What a strange experience. I remember I only drove for about fifteen minutes, got slightly scared, then drove back. I think I must have gone fifteen miles under the speed limit, too. But with each solo car ride, I got better and more confident. It's important to do something by yourself when you're learning it... otherwise you never truly learn it for yourself and you lack confidence.
08/06 Direct Link
I'm still at work, waiting for the other members of the team to send me an email. I have been waiting for quite some time, and I really want to go home, but I'll keep waiting. I think I have a pretty good amount of patience. God might have given me shyness and social anxiety or fear or whatever, but he also gave me patience, so I really can't complain. Patience is in short supply these days, what with all the lightning fast Internet connections we have. Microwaves, Netflix... everything is instant and free and terribly easy to use.
08/07 Direct Link
Good news has happened. Well, I guess I should say I heard good news about things that may happen. So much for me being an English major. I hate hearing about all these horrible things that happen all over the world and in the United States... that guy who killed those Sikhs, the movie theater massacre, this guy that beat a pizza delivery driver over what was probably a ridiculously small amount of money. Stupid. Things like that make me incredibly angry, but there's nothing you can do about them. Some people are full of hatred, spite, and venom. 
08/08 Direct Link
I'm writing my 100 Words at work today. *gasp* It's been slow today and there's not a whole lot for me to do. I think what I might do is go home and go to bed early. Getting up early for the commute is probably the hardest part of this job. When I was in high school, I never had a problem getting up at 5:15 to get on the bus. I'm getting old so fast... oh, well. I don't look old -- I still get people telling me I look like I should be in high school. Weird.
08/09 Direct Link

I once heard that if you have sex with a person, you are technically having sex with everyone that person has ever had sex with. It might have been a scare tactic to deter teenagers from having sex, but even so... if you think about that, it really makes things disgusting. Like sharing bodily fluids with a person you have never met and possibly wouldn't even want to meet. Sex is a strange, rather awkward thing... but I honestly wouldn't know. The older I get, the harder it is to find another virgin. I guess that's pretty sad.

08/10 Direct Link
His parents kept him on a tight leash when he was in high school, so he has the right to party his butt off in college.

I think that line above reveals, in a nutshell, everything wrong with society today. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's an entitled attitude. You don't have the "right" to really do anything, at least in my opinion. That's like saying if my parents kept guns away from me when I was a kid, I have every right to go playing with guns now that I'm an adult, even though it might be dangerous.
08/11 Direct Link
We are getting closer, and I am excited and nervous at the same time. It didn't seem like it would ever happen, and now it seems as though it will happen in the future. Maybe in a year from now. Maybe a year and six months. At the most two or three years. But I'm not in a rush, really. It's just odd to date someone for basically five years and not be married to them. A lot of people date for a year, they're engaged for six months, and they get married. But everyone goes at their own pace.
08/12 Direct Link
I should only try to impress one person -- and that person isn't even on earth. Well, technically he is, but he does not physically walk among us. His name is Jesus Christ. But it's hard to follow someone you cannot see. It's hard to believe in things that cannot be seen or touched or heard or smelled or tasted. That is when we must shut down our human senses and learn to sense with our spirit. Society today does not put much emphasis on our spiritual lives. It puts emphasis on what we should do to please our earthly bodies.
08/13 Direct Link

It's so easy to say things to a computer screen, to an anonymous audience on the Internet. But it's difficult to say things to someone's face, to completely bare your heart and soul to one person. That's what I have been trying to do for the past six months or so... let go and give myself all to one person. Yet I can't seem to do it. I want to run away from the relationship, as I have always run away from relationships and friendships in the past. I must stay strong and root myself and not run anymore.

08/14 Direct Link
I've had a song stuck in my head. It's called "Raise it Up" and it's performed by Florence + the Machine. It's about a sacrifice, and I feel as though I'm going to give a gift, make a sacrifice, and hope that I made the right decision. However... I will have to make sure I am taken seriously. This is not the time to fool around or mess around. I'm a cautious person and I want to make sure I have "all my ducks in a row" before I make such a serious decision. Before I "make the final sacrifice."
08/15 Direct Link
There are a lot of people who need silence. I am one of those people. Today I went to church on my day off work (that I miraculously got!) and I didn't realize how much I needed that bit of contemplation. Afterwards, I felt so refreshed and had a more clear outlook on a lot of things. Sometimes, being out in the world can mess with my head and get my priorities all jumbled, but going to church and spending some time praying and contemplating can help me sort things out. Some people need more contemplative time than others. 
08/16 Direct Link
I think I am in a zombie relationship. (I have to put that on Urban Dictionary if it's not already there.) A zombie relationship is an undead relationship that should have ended a long time ago, but is still "alive" in some ways. I love my boyfriend, I honestly do. But I don't feel like we're right for each other anymore; we have drifted too far apart over the years. We both want to make it work, but if we have to sacrifice too much of who we are individually, then what's the point? Ah, I need some hand grenades.
08/17 Direct Link
I had a dream about a guy I used to love (a part of me will always love him) and it was different from other dreams I have had about him before. It made me think that perhaps he was out there, that he was looking for me, but I know that in reality, it's not true. It's a hopeless-romantic, grass-is-greener kind of thought. I have a boyfriend now and we are trying to make it work. I want a legitimate relationship, not something about idealizing the other person or dreaming about them all the time. 
08/18 Direct Link
I am currently reading what is essentially a huge romance novel, but it's really more like a soap opera where outrageous things happen. This girl's father dies of a stroke in the middle of a courtroom where they've just decided that he's guilty. Another girl decides to seduce this guy; she gives his date some sleeping pills, but he takes the pills instead... crazy stuff. I'm only on about page 93 of 500-something, so I guess more crazy stuff will happen as I go along. That's what I like about books and soap operas... so much craziness and outrageousness.
08/19 Direct Link
That whole "daddy issues" thing isn't really a lie. It's not really just the stuff of soap operas and bad romance novels. "Daddy issues" exist and it is true that a girl's sexual values are somewhat based on whether or not she had a father figure when she was growing up. There are a lot of guys out there who have "mommy issues" and they want a girl who's going to raise them like a mother never did. I find it interesting how our past affects our psychology and therefore can somewhat predict outcomes of our futures. It's quite odd.
08/20 Direct Link
"Legitimate rape." Some politician used those words today. I wondered how they were defining "legitimate rape." So of course, there's going to be the whole abortion debate, and when human life begins, and all that. I have a pretty strong opinion on it, but I don't care for the way these politicians are fighting over it. They seem to forget that it is an emotionally charged subject and that they are not the ones who are in the position to ever get an abortion (if they are male). It's a lot of hypocrisy and I'm sick of it.
08/21 Direct Link
This is stupid, but I dreamed about this website last night. I dreamed that people I worked with had an account on 100Words, which made me cringe a little inside because I didn't want them to find out about my 100Words and read all the embarrassing stuff from pre-2010. Kind of stupid because anyone with good Internet search skills could find me on here in real life, read my words, and laugh at me. But I don't really care. I'm not fake here. I'm much more honest than I used to be. I won't lie or take anything back.
08/22 Direct Link

I don't know what to write. I suppose I could start with the dream I had last night. It was one of those bathroom dreams; I'm sure you've had them... you really have to go to the bathroom in real life, but you don't wake up, so you keep dreaming about nasty public toilets with no doors on the stalls, then eventually you find some strange place in the dream and pee there, hoping no one sees you. Yet you wake up, and you still have to answer nature's call. I hope you enjoyed my TMI rant of the day.

08/23 Direct Link
I've been at my job for just about three months now and the letters on my keyboard are already starting to wear away. Then again, I don't know how much my keyboard was used before I started working here, though. It could have taken a heavy beating. I feel like bringing my keyboard from home; the letters on it cannot wear away. It'll be awkward when, in a year, all the letters on my work keyboard are gone and I'll have to ask for a new one. At the same time it'll be funny. I type like a machine gun.
08/24 Direct Link

Facebook's getting on my nerves again and I'm not even a member anymore. I haven't been a member for over 2 years and I have no intention of going back. The derogatory nickname for it (Fakebook) is accurate; I don't think there's a single person who actually portrays himself as he really is. We put our faces on so everyone else can see what we want them to see. We show our true to self to maybe 10 percent of our Facebook friends. Everybody else sees a mask. It's a shame. Don't get me started on the passive-aggressive rants.

08/25 Direct Link
Today, my boyfriend and I have been dating (well, re-dating; he was my ex) for 7 months. It's been OK, but I'm getting the feeling that we're too different from each other. The two and a half years we were apart did a number on us. I can't change to suit him and he can't change to suit me. We love each other, but I don't think we could live together... and there's just too much between us for us to be "just friends." Except... I do not know how to break it off. It will be quite painful.
08/26 Direct Link
Some nights I have dreams I wish were prophetic and other nights I have dreams that I hope to God are not prophetic. Last night's dream was one of the latter. It still brings chills down my spine to think about it. I'm trying to find things in real life that I can reasonably be the reasons I had the dream and I'm not coming up with much. There are just bits and pieces here and there. I dreamed about my great-grandmother for the first time, and we were talking about her the other day. That might be it.
08/27 Direct Link

I played basketball yesterday, for the first time in ages. I hope there's a basketball court in my workplace's gym so I can use it... I would literally play basketball every single day (well, except the weekends). I don't know what it is about running around the court and shooting a ball at a hoop that makes me so happy. Maybe it's the fact that all that exercise gives me a runner's high, or that playing against somebody else gives me an adrenaline surge. Not sure, but all I know is I can't wait to play again. 

08/28 Direct Link
It's so important to have goals in life, to have an idea of where you're going or where you want to eventually end up. I have a goal. The path is becoming more clear; it's definitely more clear than it was a year ago. A goal gives you a reason to wake up in the morning. A goal gives you a reason not to stray from your principles when life tries to pull you away. (Maybe I've read too much Stephen Covey.) I need goals. I need something to strive for. Other people might not need that.
08/29 Direct Link
I hate being in a relationship; I never know how to deal with them. I don't even know how to deal with people in the first place, so what made me think I'd know how to actually be in a relationship with someone? The worst thing is that it's a slow burn. This is going to be a very long and drawn-out breakup, not something quick and spur of the moment, like a 30-second phone conversation, then it's over. Nope. We've dated for something like 8 years, give or take. It won't be easy to let go completely.
08/30 Direct Link
It's agonizing. There's this guy I love, but I know I couldn't marry him without compromising too much of who I am. We argue all the time; it's getting like a romance novel where the guy always pisses the girl off, but she falls in love with him anyway. It's like that old saying, "Familiarity breeds contempt." I've known him for eight years. I love him, but I can't tell whether I should be with him. I told him I wanted him to let me go, he didn't let go and told me to keep holding on... it'd get better.
08/31 Direct Link
Well, I've finished my novel in a month. 50,015 words of pure and utter crap. But that's what revision is for. Interestingly enough, the novel was a rewrite -- basically a complete overhaul of what it had been before. I like this version a lot better; I did with it what I had wanted to do, and my author's mind is satisfied. But now I have a ton of endless revisions and edits and rewrites until the novels I've written are anywhere near fit for publication... or even review by other writers. It's all part of the journey, though.