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I don't know where to begin. It's April again. In some ways, I think I'm better off than I was during that April three years ago. I have grown a lot. I've learned a lot about myself. But I have a long way to go, and sometimes I have doubts. Sometimes I think I won't ever get there, and I'll still be stuck at a dead-end job, living with my parents. I don't know where to begin with my life. I do not know what steps to take. I wish someone would lay it all out for me.
When I hear about the accomplishments of others, sometimes I feel proud of them, but other times, I get quite jealous and wonder why I haven't accomplished as much as they have. In other words, I beat myself up over it for not "being as good as they are." I know that it's an unhealthy way to think and I'm trying to be satisfied with who I am and what I'm doing in life. After all, there's always someone out there who's doing better than you and someone out there who's doing worse than you. Life is not a contest.
A lot of people place their faith in things that will pass away. I try to put my faith in things that will last forever... God, love, kindness, generosity... I want to be a good person. I want to be the kind of person who is approachable and rather caring. I want to be the person that others come to when they have problems so that we can help solve those problems. I don't want to be intimidating or unapproachable. God calls us to help others while we're here on this Earth, and that generosity goes a very long way.
Today I'm going to the beach. I can't say I've ever gone to the beach in April before, let alone the very beginning of April. But I suppose there's a first time for everything. I'm trying to be very open to new experiences and meeting new people so I can practice not being so reluctant to change or afraid of change. I'm trying to be more accepting and more tolerant, while still clinging to my traditional views. I hope those views can all reconcile with each other and not leave me confused or disoriented. It's definitely a work in progress.
Question for the universe: How do I become less insecure? What do I have to do in order to grow and have confidence in myself? How can I keep from looking back to the past as a determinant of the future? How can I stop judging people by what they've done in the past and instead judge them for what they are doing now in the present - or better yet, not judge them at all? How can I become more humble - and less sensitive to the fact that yes, there are times when I am wrong? It's hard being good.
Every day I look at my bank account like an old miser. (Well, I should say I briefly check it, not stare at it obsessively.) Every day my savings grow. Every day I have no health insurance. Every day some kind of unexpected accident, illness, or emergency could occur and wipe out my savings. So every day I count my blessings that I wake up healthy and uninjured and not in the midst of some unforeseen emergency. At any rate, (I use that expression a lot.) I'm glad to be alive and to be healthy and happy and feeling loved.
He doesn't love me. He still doesn't quite know where he stands, and what he stands for. He doesn't know who he belongs with, and he doesn't know what he means to me. He doesn't love me... but not because he lacks desire to love me. He is simply incapable of loving. He has not realized who he is. He is caught between the youthful life and the desire to settle down. I do not want to force him. I cannot rush him into one decision or another. I might be able to influence him, but only in subtle ways.
Today is Easter and that makes me exceedingly happy. The long Lent is over and I am refreshed for the first time in quite a long time. I feel clean when before I felt dirty and unworthy. I know that God loves me and that he has forgiven me for my sin. And I will do my best not to make the same mistake twice and not to sin again. It will not happen. I am doing the best I can and that is all I can do. I will always choose God over everything and everyone if need be.
Don't ever tell a writer her story isn't going anywhere, unless you have a valid, legitimate, educated reason for saying that. Don't say it out of bitterness. Don't say it out of annoyance that said writer is spending too much time with her story and not enough time with you. Writer has goals and deadlines. Writer wants to work as hard as she can to see her dreams come true. If you don't like that, too bad, but please, don't insult her story without giving a reason for saying that it's "not going anywhere." Those things hurt a writer bad.
I wish I could write something so beautiful it could be like poetry. There are some novels I read that have such lovely prose that I'm almost jealous of how these authors write. Why do they write that way? Is that their natural way of writing or are they choosing a style that fits the story? I've always wondered about things like that. Certain books have no poetic style in them, no haunting images, no real emotion or sentiment. Those books don't stick in my head as well as the ones with characters and situations that are drawn so beautifully.
It bothers me, but there is nothing I can do about it. It's the sense of powerlessness that really gets under my skin, stays under there and bites with sharp teeth. I will not lash out. I am patient and gentle and kind, and will remain patient and gentle and kind until the bitter end. Someone can lay hands on me or on the one I love, and I will defend with patience and gentleness and kindness. I am not belligerent. I do not lie down, but I bear it with sympathy and love. I trust myself to be stable.
They say that people who listen to screamo and death metal and things like that have issues. To be honest, I can agree with that. Because they have issues, they listen to the music that reflects their own problems and personal pain. Listening to the music does not cause a person to have issues or to develop problems. People who have problems and issues already seem to be drawn to that lifestyle. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. After all, music (both creating and listening to music) can be therapeutic. Music is not to blame for anyone's serious issues.
It is hard to believe I'm going to get married within the next five years. I can't imagine living with someone, sharing my life with them, having kids with them, etc. It's just... odd. I wonder how I'll handle it. Marriage is supposed to be tough, but am I strong enough to take on the challenge? There are supposed to be no doubts in my mind about the person I will marry. I'm supposed to know, as if this is a fairy tale, that this is my knight in shining armor. But in reality, a relationship is based on compromise.
I had a good post here, but when I hit submit, it didn't let me. It said something about an error. I'm into the habit of writing these 100 Words every day that I couldn't not do it. If this site happened to crash, I think I'd just take my words elsewhere and put them on a similar site, or else commit them to my private journal. Then they'd be a lot more X-rated... no, I'm kidding when I say that. My thoughts never really get into that realm anymore. I'm more ascetic and celibate than I ever was.
I take her side. She gave you everything you ever would have wanted or needed: free sex, a bed to sleep in, food, peace of mind... and of course, you were ungrateful. You didn't thank her. You called her a bitch. You fought with her. You were disappointed in her because she was somebody else. She bent over backwards for you and you couldn't lift a finger to help her. She might have nagged you, but it was because she loved you. She cared about you enough to nag you. Someone else might have let you destroy your own life.
I like Mondays. I like starting a nice new week, but by the time I get to Friday and Saturday, I'm exhausted and ready for the week to be over with, so I can start over again. I just wish I could stick to my plans for one week instead of letting spontaneous events take over. Sometimes spontaneity is nice, but too much of it can be a bad thing. I think every human being should have some kind of schedule or plan - at least once in a while. I am a creature of routine, and it's helpful.
Today is the day of silence. It is a day on which to contemplate the things we love, the things we have been given, and the things which have been taken from us. It is a day on which we should think about our past friendships and relationships and where they have led us. We should think about how our behavior and actions affect others. It is time to think about whether the glass is half-empty or half-full. It is time to forgive ourselves for being cruel and to forgive others for being cruel to us. Relinquish fears.
You know something stupid? I used to have a crush on this guy I work with, but it was a half-hearted crush and I knew we couldn't be together because he steadfastly refuses to believe in God. But I still held out this faint hope. I got a different boyfriend and then I figured out that the guy I used to have the crush on went out on a date. I was jealous, as stupid as that is. Not a raging jealousy, but a quiet jealousy. I asked myself why I was jealous and could not find the reason.
It's hard to smile when nothing seems to go your way. Everything wants to fall into ashes and I'm trying to keep the flame away from what's burning. I want to curl into a ball and tell people to go away, leave me alone, don't ever talk to me. I don't want to be talked to. I don't want to be understood, for I don't even understand myself. I want to be better than those girls, not erupt into jealous hissy fits or angered fits of screaming. I'm not that type of girl. I will quietly fade into the wallpaper.
Today is April 20. That day means a lot to me, for personal reasons, but all day long I'm going to have to put up with people calling it "4/20" and talking about how high they're going to get and how much weed they're going to smoke. I'm not into those things. Weed and other drugs don't appeal to me at all. I think I might talk about April 20 some more in my Tumblr... what it really means to me. How it's "April 20" and not "4/20" and about how it is the true height of spring.
I dreamed I had two letters: one my ex-crush had written to me, and another I had written to him. I remember thinking that in the letter I wrote, I finally told him how much I loved him, but then I remembered, upon waking, that I had never sent the letter because I still had it. I wonder what that means. It was just weird. I had written "I love you" along the bottom of the letter in French. A stupid part of me still misses my ex-crush. It might just be good old nostalgia talking, though.
It doesn't make sense. God wants us to love people and love all people. I find it so difficult to talk to people, to share myself with people, to say anything to people beyond what's absolutely necessary... then how can I love people? I can't even love one person and it breaks my heart. How can God love all of us - and we continually break his heart by sinning over and over again? God is definitely amazing because of that simple fact. He calls us back to him. I'm rebuffed once and I want to turn away from the world.
There's always the phone interview first. And in a way, a phone interview is more nerve-wracking than a regular interview. I don't come across as very happy on the phone. Professional, yes, but I don't have one of those bubbly voices, unless I really force myself. They tell you to speak with a smile in your voice, but that's hard when it's an interview and they're asking you questions. What are you supposed to say? What makes these people want to hire you? It makes no sense. The choice they make is all based on subjectivity in the end.
They tell you to forgive your enemies. It's so much easier said than done. I don't have anyone I consider an enemy, but I have those people who I am angry at and would find it difficult to forgive and accept back into my life. For instance, I have this one person who used to be a very good friend of mine. I have a whole bunch of things I would love to say to her, if she would even take the time to listen to me. I get the feeling that she will come back into my life soon.
Dear my ex-best friend,
I feel like you need some sisterly advice, and you have once dubbed me an older version of you - like a sister. Now, in the future, we see how false that is. I am nothing like you and you are nothing like me. I don't know why you changed and why you became the person you are, but I don't think that is who you are. Soon enough, you will come to realize that, too. The lifestyle you are living will not bring you happiness. All the earthly pleasures in the world cannot bring peace.
For a moment, I thought I might have seen her yesterday. My heart seemed to clench. I curled my hands into fists in response. I tried to fix a smile upon my face, a smile to give to her when she walked in the door. I could see her blond hair shining from the window of the car. When she turned her head, it was her face in profile. I waited for her to come out of the car, waited with bated breath, my fingernails digging into my palms. Then I realized it wasn't her at all, but a doppelganger.
There are things that bother me. How impossible it is to be a good Christian. It seems so hard to be perfect. It is impossible. But it is worth striving for, even though it seems that in today's atmosphere and society, to be a good, genuine Christian will make you more enemies than friends. But Jesus does tell us to turn the other cheek. I have fallen into a pit that is wide, but not deep, yet I cannot manage to pull out of it. What can help me be a better Christian? What can help me renounce my hypocrisy?
She's hurt and she's wounded. That's what her problem is. What kind of girl, one with so much artistic potential, would willingly destroy her mind with drugs and alcohol, and go give her body away to all kinds of guys while under the influence? A girl who has gotten hurt somehow, a girl who has been wounded. I have an impulse to save her, to help her, but I know I cannot. She is after one thing, the one thing her hurt mind will let her have. So instead, I shall pray for her. That's all that I can do.
Can I even call myself a Christian? Christians are supposed to love their neighbor. I don't want people getting close to me. Whether consciously or unconsciously, I push people away. I have done this my entire life. I have never had very many true friends who have always been there for me, and for whom I was always there. I have never wanted friends. So can I be a Christian? God wants to help us get closer to him because he never wants to lose us. But what if it's something that's beyond my ability to do? Would God help?
I posted something on Twitter yesterday, something about how God commanded us to love others, and of course, I get this snarky comment about how that's not a rule for everyone, only Christians, and about how God is an impossible being. I don't like it when people use sarcasm to make their arguments, or when people attempt to sound extremely intelligent in order to put religious people (like me) down. So I didn't say anything. Yes, I know there are other religions out there. I'm not narrow-minded, but I'm not particularly liberal either. I follow my religion - that's all.
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