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Another batch done, another batch to be written. My cat's claws are too sharp and need to be trimmed. It was difficult to extricate her from her scratching post this morning.
Also, coffee must be consumed before any productive activities happen this morning. Today is my day off and it must be savored. I can't wait to see my boy and spend some time with him, because I doubt we'll get to see each other more than once a week, what with my work schedule and all that... but it's better than nothing, I suppose. No long distance relationships.
I still have a little of that old insecurity left. But I know now that there is absolutely no reason for it. There was no reason for it in the past and there's no reason for it now. Why should I be jealous of girls who can't write a legitimate sentence? Why should I be jealous of someone who has a very obvious anger problem, while I'm an extremely calm person? We all have our different faults and strengths. Nobody's perfect. There's no sense in being jealous. For all we know, they could be jealous of us instead. Who knows?
Super Bowl Sunday is in just a few days. I'm glad I'm off work that day so I can relax and not have to worry about all the orders they're going to put in. Basically, it will be a long time before my store recovers from the madness that is the holy grail of sporting events. It's something I will never understand. Giants versus the Patriots and I know slightly more about the latter than the former, but it still doesn't mean that much to me. I came from New York, so I should pull for the Giants, though. *sigh*
I'll be so glad when I don't have to work any more double shifts. They're annoying. I don't like working over 35 hours in a job that exhausts me mentally and physically, because then I can't muster the energy to go hunting for a job that I would really enjoy. I try to be like those people who manage their time very well and always seem happy, but that's definitely a challenge. If I can be super hyper and peppy for an hour, that'll be good enough. Then I can put that one hour to very good and productive use.
Well, it's big game day and everyone's excited. I'm excited on everyone's behalf and all I can say is let the best team win. I don't get why people take the game so seriously, that's all. After all, it is just a game. Yes, I know you like the players and the strategies used, but it's not gong to affect your life if you don't let it. Be happy that your team won, or get over it if your team lost. Be mature about it. That's what I'd like to see after all is said and done. Good ol' maturity.
It's been a long time since I've read a really good book. I'm talking about the kind of book that makes you excited to pick it up and read. The kind of book with characters who stay with you long after you've read it. A book that makes you laugh and cry and smile and even growl in frustration sometimes. I need to find more of those good books, or perhaps they're just that few and far between. All I can hope for is that my book elicits those kinds of emotions in the people who will eventually read it.
In a way, I do believe psychic powers exist. I think telekinesis and telepathy and other things of that nature are real. There are certain people who can access those parts of the brain. A lot of the brain is consumed by tasks that keep us alive: like breathing, our heart pumping, etc. But if the brain didn't have to be focused on those things, it could devote a lot more energy to psychic and paranormal abilities. I think that's an interesting thing to think about. God made us powerful... and I believe he granted some of us psychic abilities.
I have a song stuck in my head. Every day, my mental radio gives me some kind of song to keep in my head, so that's a bit of a weird phenomenon. I usually give up music for Lent, and you'd think the mental radio would shut off at that time, but it only gets louder and more insistent. I can't wait for the quiet time that Lent represents. Every year, I look forward to it - and this year, I have an even better reason to look forward to it. Easter is on April 8, which is a special day.
At last! It is my long-awaited day off and I get to spend half of it writing and the other half with my boyfriend. It will be a good day. I decided that I'm going to put all my problems into God's hands and pray to him continually and let him take care of things. I believe that he will help me with the things I struggle with most in life, and that because he has always guided me through, he will continue to do so. God has never failed me. He has always been there for me.
I wrote a sad scene yesterday in my story and it brought back a lot of memories from real life and got me thinking about one particular person. I guess you could call him my college sweetheart. I wonder if he still thinks about me at all, or if he's forgotten about me. He never told me much about himself, and we were similar to the two ships that passed in the night. He never knew much about me, except he knew all the important things. All the relevant things. I never knew who he was until after the fact.
There are some people who look up to me despite me being completely insane. And there are others who wish I'd shut up and go away. In high school girls hated me because I dated a guy they wanted. Now there are girls who don't like me because I do more work than them and they're lazy. I don't care. Haters are gonna hate and there's nothing you can do about it. If they want to make themselves miserable, then that's just fine... but nobody's going to rain on my parade. My general perception is that things will work out.
I can't seem to get out of this strange funk I've been in lately. I feel as if I make a wrong decision for my life, it'll be the end of the world. I feel like every decision I make, every step I take, is a life-or-death decision. I feel like someone is watching every time I do something even remotely wrong. Like tiny little mistakes. Like not washing the dishes. Being tired. Being rude - even if it's unintentional. Maybe I'm paranoid. Or maybe I just need a bit more sleep to keep from going completely crazy.
Way back on February 13, 2008 (Was that really four years ago? Really? It feels like yesterday, in a sense.) I made a mistake. I made a mistake on April 20, 2007. I made a mistake on May 12 of that year, too. I don't know why I remember these particular mistakes out of all the mistakes I make on a daily basis. Perhaps I feel more grief, more guilt for these mistakes than I feel for the others. One day I will have the bravery to publicly admit my mistakes, to make amends, forgive myself, and move on.
Facing a dilemma. I'm sick. I had a 100.9 degree temperature. I have a double shift at work today. I feel like if I call out, they're going to think I'm lying about being sick and think that I just wanted to get out of working the double on Valentine's.
But I feel like if I go to work, I won't be able to handle the madness that's supposed to ensue as couples come in to have dinner. And plus, it's a restaurant. I can't work in a restaurant if I'm sick. I'll end up infecting everyone.
I feel a little bit better today. The month is half over, and it feels like the years are rushing on faster than they have ever had before. I remember when a month used to feel like a year, and a year was like a decade. That was ten years ago, back when I was 13. I can't believe that I can still remember the events of a decade ago like they were from yesterday. April 12. February 14. February 20. April 17. May 10, to some extent. There are many more. Soon I will be 24. I feel old.
I'm in love again. It feels interesting. I used to hate letting myself fall for anyone, but this time around I'm going to let myself fall freely. Yes, I know I might get hurt and my heart might get seriously broken beyond repair, but I have hope this time. I believe this love is meant to be forever, and I know that if he is not the one, that there is no one for me. He is the one I bonded with, and I cannot bond with another. I cannot make myself love another person the way I love him.
I can't wait until Sunday, which is the day I shall have to myself. And maybe Saturday night. Today I have a double shift, and it irked me that they were trying to get me to work a double shift yesterday, too. I'm sorry, but I need a life outside of work. I need to relax and not think about that place for a while. I mean, I like my job, but it's unhealthy for me to be there so much. I step out into the sunlight, blinking and pale, because it's so dark in there. Sunlight brings me joy.
Last night at work was a complete madhouse, as it always is on Friday nights. I'm glad I was innocently standing at the register, trying to estimate wait times and ringing people out, rather than waiting tables and dealing with people getting annoyed because their food wasn't coming out on time. I'm not sure what we can do (other than hire more people) to get that restaurant working well again. I'm sure there's some kind of strategy to be employed, but we haven't found it. And it's not my job to. It's management's job... but there are things I'd suggest.
"You cannot serve two masters."
That's something I've been struggling with lately. I feel like I am having to divide myself between two things that, in an ideal world, should be in harmony. I feel like I'm never good enough for anything or anyone. In a lot of ways, I feel as though the world would be better off without me. Yes, it's a self-esteem issue and I've always had those. I know I need some kind of counseling or therapy. I have some kind of mental disorder and I've known that for awhile now. I feel so unbalanced.
It finally snowed, but it's only about a millimeter's worth of snow and it'll all be melted by the time I have to go anywhere. Oh, well. And I didn't get to see it fall because I was asleep. I didn't get to see the sky turn completely white. I didn't get to taste the snowflakes on my tongue. And this will probably be the first and last snowfall of this winter. It's OK - at least I have spring to look forward to, and of course, summer, so I won't have to wear bulky jackets and sweaters all the time.
Sometimes I feel as though I need a lobotomy. Once work slows down, I'm going to try and get less than 30 hours a week so I can spend some more time on my job search, so I can get out of this job. In a way it's a good thing that I'm in a job I don't particularly like, so it can give the motivation to get a better job. I have quite a few things motivating me right now, and I'm starting to think that they're just the kick in the pants I need to move myself forward.
It's sometimes hard for me to tell which of my fears and worries are legitimate and which are only inside my head. I know that makes it seem like I'm mentally ill (and I firmly believe that all humans are mentally ill in certain ways), but I am jealous, and I wonder if my jealousy is even warranted. In certain ways, I don't believe it is, but in other ways, I feel like there is substance to it. I could talk about it, but I don't want to seem like a jealous harpy over it. I guess it's illegitimate, then.
My great flaw is everywhere I turn. I cannot get through life without having to pass through it. I will exhaust myself trying to fight against it, and in the end I may not succeed. I may lie down, let my flaw trample over me, let it win. But I vow to remain strong. In the grand scheme of things, my vows may not mean much, but as best as I can, I will remain strong and fight this flaw tooth and nail until I win, and until I am happy. I will not allow it to take my energy.
One simple tragedy could wipe out all of my savings, every penny I've worked so hard to keep. Never in my life have I had good income. I'm not rich. I'm not privileged. The only reason I would be considered privileged is because I have a nice house and food every day. Not everyone has those things. Not everyone has a car. Not everyone has a guaranteed next meal. God could take everything away from me, like he did to Job. But would I still be faithful? Yes. I know I would try. It would be very worth my time.
They tell you that nothing worth having ever comes easy. I'm going to have to fight for what I want and work hard to obtain and keep what I want. (Or what I think I want.) I'm 23 and I'm still young; not entirely sure of what the future will bring or what I want. Most people my age no longer live with their parents. Some are married and have kids. In a way, I feel like I'm progressing more slowly than everyone else, but part of me wants to be old fashioned and only move out when I marry.
The strange part about Lent is having songs stuck in your head all the time - especially when you've given up music for Lent. I guess if I had given up chocolate I would have dreams about eating chocolate. In a way, dreaming is about the subconscious desires that we can't act on in real life. I guess dreams are a healthy way to get over those desires, so that they don't annoy us so much in real life and cause us to be tempted. Or at least, that's how I see it. It makes sense to me, at any rate.
I like not listening to music and having given up Tumblr. It leads to a lot less distractions, and I can actually pay attention to my life a little better. People don't understand how I can give up music, but it's really not that hard. Having the silence is a relief that a lot of people don't seem to understand. Maybe we have all grown accustomed to the noise of the world. I don't like the noise of the world, and I suppose that explains why I don't watch TV or movies all that much. I'll see them sometimes though.
I feel out of place among the extroverts. They always seem so self-assured and they know what they need to say. I feel overshadowed when I am with them. I shrink into the background and sometimes laugh. I can sometimes come up with a witty saying, but most of the time it seems like I'm in the way. My talents are not regarding people. I love people, but the nature of humanity infuriates me, to be honest. I don't understand how Jesus could love us so much that he died for us. We're an ungrateful race and so careless.
A leap year day! This day does not come every year, which makes it rather interesting. I am not sure I'd like to be a leap year baby... when would your birthday be celebrated? February 28 or March 1? I know there's a reason for the calendar being the way it is this year, but I don't exactly know the reason. Probably has something to do with the alignment of the planets or the way the earth rotates. Something like that. I honestly don't care to understand. It's just kind of cool to have another day out of the year.
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