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I had a dream the other night about a little girl. She was walking through shards of broken glass from a car wreck. I was screaming for her not to walk too close to the wreck in case the cars blew up. I felt so panicked in the dream. I woke up thinking that if I felt that panicked about someone who was not my own child, how would I feel if my own child was in danger?
I have no child. I don't even have a significant other to create a child with - not that having one is necessary.
Every so often, I have dreams about my high school crush. I'm really not sure why I still dream about him, given that the last time I saw him in person was the day we graduated from high school - over four years ago! (Time flies.)
My subconscious is forever fixated on "what might have been," and I suppose that's why I write so much. To explore what might have been and what could be, and what is no longer possible. It's interesting to examine that, but it could drive you crazy. (Then again, most writers are utterly insane.)
A long time ago, I remember talking about something called "Eternal Summer," but maybe I never mentioned it in these 100-word segments. I don't even recall what it was. Maybe it was the summer of 2005, which felt a lot longer than other summers because they pushed the start of school to the end of August.
But the question is... would it be worth it to look back and find out exactly what "Eternal Summer" was? Or is it something totally stupid I made up when I was a teenager?
I'm not looking back. I am moving forward.
For us Americans, it's Independence Day. I believe America is 235 today. It's a young country, especially compared to England or Italy or a country that's been around forever.
Independence days: August 28, February 2, April 17, and May 6. But they don't really mean anything except to me. I just thought I'd mention them for the sake of being deliberately obscure.
I got up at 6:00 this morning to write a stream-of-consciousness journal entry. Four pages in a half-hour. Four pages of complete and utter randomness in handwriting I won't be able to read later.
It's technically Monday, since yesterday was a holiday. That means that everyone at work is going to be busy organizing their stuff after the weekend - that is, if they're not still on vacation.
My best friend and I are planning a trip to the beach in two weeks. I think it will be a lot of fun. I haven't been to the beach in a really long time, so it'll be cool to feel the ocean breeze again. And take a long car ride. I love car rides, especially with someone I can talk to and have fun with.
Since this Monday, I've been waking up at 6 in the morning and scribbling down the first incoherent thoughts I have. They're supposed to be the "morning pages" which are good for therapy. I usually end up with four handwritten pages in a half-hour. I end up writing down all the complaints and angst that I avoid on the Internet. I have yet to determine if writing all that out makes me feel any better. It just makes me feel like a lousy whiner. Oh well. Everyone has to whine sometime. Better it be on paper than in public.
I finally gave myself a set time to go to bed. I used to go to bed any time between 9:30 and 11. Sometimes, I'd even get to bed at 11:30, but rarely later than that. If I stay up later than that, I start to go crazy. I am not a happy person at night, just like some people aren't happy waking up in the morning.
My new bedtime is 10:00. That means that if I get up at 6:00 (If I did the math right...) I will have gotten 8 hours of sleep.
I was listening to Celtic music yesterday and it helped to calm me down. It was all instrumental, so I was able to actually think and listen to music at the same time. When the music has lyrics and the singer is louder than the instruments, then I have trouble concentrating.
I think I ought to listen to instrumental music more often. Luckily, I have quite a few CDs of classical, jazz, and Celtic/Irish music. Rock is good for writing battle scenes, pop is good for a YA novel, and country is good for sad scenes - or drunkenness.
I've typed a lot this morning and my wrist hurts, but I'm stupidly typing even more. The Internet wasn't working earlier, so I was able to write without distraction and with the help of some peaceful Celtic music. Honestly, I'd love to write all day long, but with my wrists and hands hurting, I think it might be impossible. I'd have to give my wrists a break by doing something else. That something else would more than likely be reading or going out for a drive.
Driving is awesome. If I didn't get tired, I would probably drive forever.
Staying in a positive frame of mind is difficult. I like being positive and keeping a happy face on, but it's the difficulty of it that frustrates me.
Nothing worth achieving is ever easy, so I shall keep trying. I need to stop being impatient, but it's hard when it seems like the world keeps moving faster and faster every day. It's hard to keep up.
Living in the moment is hard. I just have to counteract my impatience with positivity and faith that everything will turn out OK in the end. Because it will. I know it.
With determination, I fight on. I know what I have to do to keep improving myself. Because if I do not improve and start loving myself, there will not be a chance of me being able to help and love others as fully as I can. It's so important that we work on ourselves before we try to help others with their problems. That's the number one thing that people in relationships (any type of relationship) need to realize.
It's not selfish to improve yourself because in the future, you might be helping someone else to improve him/herself.
I have great hopes that Google+ will trump Facebook just like Facebook destroyed MySpace and MySpace destroyed Xanga before that.
There's always the next best thing. Or the next most useful thing. But I'm really rooting for Google+ to "beat" Facebook. I hate Facebook with an utmost passion, but who knows? Maybe the more people who come on Google+, the more I'll hate that platform too. Xanga and MySpace were OK with me, but I don't think Xanga was ever that popular to begin with.
Only emo kids like me had Xanga, haha! I'm not a kid anymore...
Today is the 13th and it's not a Friday. Weird.
Again, I dreamed of high school. I hope this trend doesn't last until the end of my life because that would be really lame. At the very least, I ought to be dreaming about college. But in high school, every day was like a soap opera. The drama was incredible and that was the main reason I went to school every day - to get my daily dose of drama. (And to learn, of course.)
College was 100% learning. I did not goof off in college or pay attention to drama.
With all the hype about the last Harry Potter movie that's coming out tomorrow, I've had the urge to buy a box set of the books and read them all in one weekend. It's been a while since I've read them and I have never read the whole series through without reading anything else in between.
I used to own books 2-3, but I've since donated them. I never owned 5-7 and I want to. Or at least check them out of the library and re-read them, but there's so much I have yet to read.
I had a dream about my high school crush again. I could hear his voice and see him and everything else. It's strange how things and people from the past mysteriously come up in your subconscious mind for a few days, then disappear for a few years. They might come back again in another few years, but even so... it is kind of disconcerting. Just when I thought I had forgotten about certain aspects of high school, they come back. But you never truly forget anything. It's all there, in great detail, in your subconscious mind. A little freaky.
Today I went to the beach with my best friend. (Oh crap, it's going to be one of those "today I did this" posts!) I must have been the most pasty-white person on the beach and I did not care. Honestly, I could care less what some random strangers think of me. It all matters not. I'm just glad I was happy and my best friend was happy and we had a great time. I've never had so much fun at the beach. The drive wasn't bad either - 2 hours. Part of it went through a nice rural route.
I didn't want to get up at 6 this morning. I wanted to have the luxury of sleeping in until around 7, but I got up at 6 anyway. I wanted to write down things that had gone through my mind the previous day. It's true that keeping a diary or a journal is very therapeutic, as long as you're honest with yourself in your writing. Since a diary or journal is for your own eyes, you can afford to be as honest as possible - about yourself, other people, and things that have happened in your life. So be honest.
When I was younger, I never went out after dinner. Or after dark. I was afraid of it for some reason I could never identify.
There are a lot of things I am (and was) afraid of for reasons that were unidentifiable. I've recently begun to analyze and identify the reasons why I am afraid. Usually they're stupid reasons. I'm trying new things so that I can face my irrational fears and not be so afraid of everything all the time. If you live in fear, you cannot truly live your life.
So go out and face your fears!
It might be a new beginning for me, but in a way, it's counter to everything else I've wanted to achieve. Hmm... but if God wants to put me in this one role, he can. I'll ask for his help. I need to remember that there's a reason for everything and even if this role doesn't seem totally appropriate now, the true reason for it will come out. I know my goals for getting into this role, so that might be some help. If it helps me to reach my goal, then I'll know I have succeeded in some capacity.
With every challenge, I am closer to my goal. When you're in your 20s, it can be difficult to form goals. I'm not sure where my life is going to go. I don't know if I want to get married or have kids yet. I don't know if I might want to continue my education in the future. I have no idea where I might want to be in five years. I have a general idea of where I'd like to go, but it feels like so much is out of my control right now. I need some perspective.
I hate bragging. I don't like to talk about myself or my accomplishments. I'd rather listen to someone else's story. I don't have much of a story at this point. My life has gone the way of everyone else's: Graduate high school, graduate college, search for a job, find a job, work. Nothing exciting has happened. I haven't gone on any kind of epic adventures traveling around the world. I'm the same girl I always was, but just a little bit different. I'm hoping to improve myself. It feels like I'm tearing out chunks of my personality to be better.
I'm changing the revision schedule that I created before January of this year. I didn't think I have to change it, but I've realized what a totally inhuman task it is to revise an entire book series in just a month. I don't know what possessed me into thinking I could do it. I'm going to cut some novels out of my revision schedule. There are two that I don't think are going to work in the future. I don't have the incentive to write them or mess with them anymore. They were a source of good writing experience.
It's time to embrace my inner goddess. It is time to believe that I am beautiful inside and out, so I can start to share that beauty to others. Gone are the days when I could be selfish and self-absorbed and prideful and jealous. Now I want to show people that I'm a great person on the inside; a person worthy of friendship, love, and trust. It's a challenge to pull beauty from the inside and push it outward, but it's a challenge I'm willing to take. If I feel beautiful today, I will feel beautiful tomorrow as well.
OK, so I was writing a post and then all of a sudden, I pressed a button and it disappeared. Meh.
I was writing about how I should go into a coffeehouse with a laptop and write there, just like in the cliche. I know for a fact I'd be too busy people-watching to get anything significant done. I think I want to do that this week sometime, except I have no laptop. A good old-fashioned pen and notebook will do fine.
But I'll have to have decaf. Caffeine upsets my stomach and makes me too jumpy.
I can't believe July is almost over. It feels like it went by in a flash of lightning. When I was a kid, June and July were my least favorite months because they were the months without school. (I was a dork and school was one of my favorite things.)
I wish year-round schools had been around when I was younger. I would have loved them. 2 or 3 weeks is all the vacation time you need. Two months is just too long and you end up forgetting a lot of what you learned during the previous year.
I feel like writing a letter to no one. Well, not really to no one, but to someone I've been thinking about a lot lately. But I don't want to write the letter because it would be pretty easy to guess who that person is.
It's not somebody I love right now. Perhaps someone I loved in the past - or simply thought I loved. I've had the thought of love for many people over the years... but I don't think I've only loved but one person in my life to the fullest extent that I could love somebody.
Today is my busiest day this week. Let's hope I can get past it with a minimum of stress. One of my goals is to get used to and excel in situations like these, so I shall definitely try my best.
Tomorrow is a little less busy, but I have one important appointment. Then I go to Adoration, which I have never done before.
Friday... I am going to relax a bit. There is nothing I have planned for Friday yet, except make a few phone calls here and there. Nothing that will set my heart pounding terribly hard.
It's a certain person's birthday today, and I really want to wish them a good one, but they hate me for no rational reason. My message would more than likely be deleted before it's even read. I could just squeeze everything into the subject line. But who knows?
In truth, I don't care what she thinks of me. She can hate me all she wants. She just missed out on someone who would have been a great friend and who would have stuck up for her no matter what she went through. She was too blinded by hate though.
A shiny, new, 100-degree day has dawned. I don't have a problem with the heat. I'd rather be hot than cold. Because I'm thin, I take a lot longer to get warm than I do to cool off.
I was taking a walk after dark yesterday and it was still very hot and humid. I could feel heat pulsing up from the pavement in waves. Air felt thick and my chest tightened from breathing it. I was glad to get back into the air conditioning. After awhile, it feels like you're walking through a thick soup of humidity.
I'm sorry to sound like a snob (and that's the way I come across in a lot of these entries), but if you're going to invite me somewhere, let me know at least three days in advance. I am not the type of person who enjoys last-minute events. I don't like turning my schedule inside-out to accommodate them, unless it's some kind of mandatory emergency.
Really. Try to plan ahead if you can. It saves time and it's useful. I'm sorry to sound like a pretentious snob, but these are my 100 words and my opinion.
Today I'm going to do a little bit of work on my blog, but in other news... it's the end of July already. It feels like that month ripped right on by. But then again, it always feels that way. I'm not sure how to make time slow down. There isn't a way to do it, but there's a way to make time feel like it's moving more slowly.
On the bright side, August is coming and school is starting again. Back to school sales! Even though I'm no longer in school, I will still be buying many notebooks.
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