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I wonder if I'll ever have to take a test again. I hope that one day I can take the GRE, pass, and get into grad school for library science or something dealing with publishing. Grad school isn't really necessary for what I want to be, but I've been graduated from my undergrad college a little over a month now.†
I miss school already. This is going to be terrifying. What I want to do is get a job and get experience, then return to school later, once I'm more confident that I can work in the real world.†
That word amuses me. It reminds me of some old eighth grade inside joke. "You're a little testy today!" I'm smiling just thinking about it.
Eighth grade was my favorite grade - still is. Out of high school, tenth grade was my favorite, and in college, my junior year was the best.†
I miss those old school days. I'll be testy if I don't get into grad school or get a good job within the next five years.
I want to do something with my bachelor's degree. I don't want to just see my world fall apart because I'm hesitant.
There are a lot of people I'd like to thank.
1. God - even though he's not technically a person, I'd still like to thank him for giving me everything I have on this earth.
2. My parents - they've given me everything else. They've taught me how to be a decent person.
3. Everyone who's ever been my friend - thank you for putting up with me. No matter where you are, or whether you hate me now or not, I still care about you.
4. Jamie - thanks for giving me XIII. If not for you, I wouldn't have my epic.
My anger is usually quiet. I put things inside, but I don't blow up at the person because they typically leave my life before I get a chance to blow up. Either that, or I forgive them.
My anger doesn't usually run so hot that it explodes immediately. Sometimes I wish it did.
Maybe people would take me more seriously. I act serious, and then I'm too serious. Then I don't act so serious, and I get called immature or childish.
I can't help that I'm 22, but can pass for 15.
All these extremes... where's the happy medium?
The eagle was the mascot of the first middle school I attended. My elementary school's mascot was the rocket, my other elementary school was the explorer, my other middle school was the raven, and my high school was the comet. My community college was the jaguar and my university was the wolf pack.
†I wonder who started the tradition of mascots for schools and universities. It's kind of silly to me - a big, plush cartoonish looking character walking around at games - especially in elementary school.
I mean, how does someone dress up as a rocket or a comet?
The Cruelest Month
April, according to T.S. Eliot, is the cruelest month.
I bet you didn't know that when you rearrange the letters in "T.S. Eliot", you get "toilets."
Random fact from an immature mind.
April is my favorite month. I love the spring air, the warm rains, the flowers, and how everything turns back to green.
I think my least favorite month is either December or January. Too cold.†
And January bothers me because it's the beginning of another year. It's like I'm watching my back, trying not to spill bad habits over from the old year.
I am†a dreamer. I have idealistic visions and hope one day that they may become real. I incorporate my dreams and visions into my writing.
Maybe someone will agree with me about certain things.†
We, as human beings, are more alike than we seem at first glance. We have more in common than we have differences.
Does someone out there share my dreams? Is there someone out there who will not pick on my idealism?
I'll keep hoping and praying that more people respect each others' dreams and wishes and not make a mockery of them.†
The Games We Play
I think that's a lyric in a lot of songs.
You wanna know what I hate about most popular music? (I may have mentioned this in a previous post.)
The overuse of the word "baby."
It irritates me to the core. Find a new term of endearment, artists and musicians.†
Stop playing games and coming up with cookie-cutter lyrics, hooks, choruses, and words.†
Try something new.
I'll admit - even Lady Gaga's music isn't terribly unique. She borrowed a lot from Madonna.
But, there's nothing totally new under the sun.
Just enjoy the music.†
I don't have the hots for anyone at the moment. I'm apathetic about love and everything that goes with it - trust, commitment and all that.
One day I'll find someone I have the hots for, but I'm still attracted to jerks and assholes.
I don't understand why women like men who treat them bad. It must be a law of physics or something.†
It probably has something to do with lack of self-esteem and being a teenager than it does anything else.
A mature woman wouldn't fall for an idiot and wouldn't be attracted to one.
The Last Drop
Today we ran out of cream.
No coffee for me today.
Already, I am depressed.
But it's not so bad.
Right now, I honestly feel like taking the car and driving down to Dunkin Donuts and getting some coffee. They have pretty good coffee over there.
Or I could just buy some cream, but my family has this new rule where we only go shopping once a week - that's two whole days without coffee!†
I can't wait that long!†
Normally I don't whine this much, but I'm a mess when I don't have my coffee.
I saw the 2006 version of The Omen and liked it a lot. There were some parts that freaked me out, but I've noticed a pattern among horror movies these days.
Either they're remakes of old, classic horror movies or they're full of surprising moments that make you jump in your seat rather than quiver in fear.
I enjoyed Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) because it was more like a classic horror movie. It was genuinely scary and didn't have any startling pop-out moments.†
Sure, the movie was a little pornographic, but better than most other horror films.†
The Owner Is Busy At the Moment
Is this a line from a movie? I have no idea because I'm notoriously bad at movie quotes.
I haven't seen all the movies that everyone has seen three hundred times. I never saw the end of Finding Nemo.
I've never seen Forrest Gump, Titanic, any of the Scream movies, American Pie, and the list goes on and on.
I just don't care enough about movies to go out and see them.
A lot of people I know can quote from movies, but I'll be totally lost in that conversation.
I'll quote from books.
The Rest is Silence
I know a lot of people who can't stand silence. They have to talk to fill in the gaps in a conversation.
I can't stand too much talking. After awhile, I feel like screaming, "EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME THINK!"
And then there are people who keep on talking and I can't get a word in edgewise. I don't want to be rude and interrupt them, but whenever I think of a witty thing to say, I can never say it because they haven't shut up long enough.
Everyone, just stop and listen. It's better.
You scared the sandman away. Your phone calls at midnight sent him scurrying back under my bed with his bag of sand for my eyes.†
You didn't know that I welcomed the sandman.†
I hated those midnight phone calls.
All I wanted was the sand in my eyes, the growing exhaustion, and release of all that as I sank into slumber.
I never wanted to hear your voice in my ear, mumbling nonsensically about everything I never cared about.
You held my eyes open until I fell asleep anyway, the phone blaring at my ear.
The Sky Is Falling
That phrase always reminds me of Winnie the Pooh for some reason. I used to watch the show when I was a little kid and there was one episode where the sky was falling and Piglet was scared of it.
Poor Piglet. He/she was always so scared of everything.†
Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a kid for just one day, knowing what I know now. I wonder what it would be like... I'd probably be disgusted with how stupid I acted as a kid, but...
kids don't really know any better.†
I don't want to remember the thunderstorms.†
I don't want to remember the moon and her serene, lying white face. She's the best liar in the world. She doesn't blink. She only climbs higher and higher above you at night, the queen of the world. She knows what's best.
Sometimes, though, I do want to recall the thunder. When the thunder clouds come and cover the moon, I am grateful for the rain and the darkness.†
I'm thankful for the loud, thunder-crashing truth that covers up the silent lies of the moon.
But I await sunlight.
I do believe in ghosts and spirits and stuff that's unseen. God created so much - it's hard to believe that he didn't make things that are invisible.†
Even though I've never had an experience with a ghost, I still believe in them. Good spirits surround me and they guide me. The Holy Spirit is their leader.
I know I should never be afraid with God's emissary watching me, but during this fragile time and in this place, I can't help but be afraid.†
I admit, I am afraid of the unseen: worries and problems that aren't tangible.
They Canít Break Me
I'm probably going to have another job interview this week. I need to stay confident, which is difficult for me.
I have low self-esteem and it's been my biggest weakness my entire life.†
I'll tell myself that I can defeat this, that I can get through this interview, and that nobody can break me. I'm stronger than them. I've been through a lot. I can succeed.
I graduated at the very top of my class in high school. Hell, I was voted most likely to succeed in the eighth grade, if that means anything.
They Only See Me
They only see me when I am screaming at the top of my lungs.†
I feel like nobody hears me, nobody listens, and nobody cares.†
We live in a self-centered world. Everything is based on the principle of instant-gratification.
One of the rare things that isn't instantly gratifying is higher education. You have to wait a long time and get through a lot of classes before you can get your degree.
Terrifyingly enough, higher ed. is also becoming more instantly gratifying through online school where you can supposedly get a degree much faster.
I'm not a thief. I respect the property of others. Those who are the real thieves are people who consistently blame others for what they've done themselves.
I don't do that. I try to own up to it. I am sick of being treated like a child. I want to be treated like an adult, so henceforth, I shall own up to what I have done wrong.†
No longer will I direct the blame onto someone else who doesn't deserve it. I don't want to be like people who steal the truth and use it for their own good.
Thinking Of You
I'm always thinking of one certain person. Actually, there is more than one person who's always on my mind, but I lack the courage to speak to them.
I'd rather just let things dissolve into the past and have them forget about me. I doubt I was that important to them. I mean, if I was, wouldn't they have tried to get in contact with me by now?†
It doesn't make any sense. People make no sense, especially when they say one thing and do another that's the exact opposite.†
People are so hard to read.
This Is Who I Am
I'm quiet. I don't like people much. I don't like to be bothered by people. I'm self-centered, wimpy, and shy and I'm trying to fix all of those. I can't stand any kind conflict or confrontation. I'm an amateur writer, using "amateur" in the true sense of the word, so technically, I am a lover of writing.†
I don't like clingy guys. I don't like girls who will pretend to be your friend for two years, then pretend you never exist when they've finally got what they wanted all along - your boyfriend.
It's a song by Korn that was covered by Evanescence. I hate to say this, but to this day, I think the Evanescence version is better. Maybe it's because I really can't stand Korn anymore, but not because I dislike their music.
I don't like Seether anymore for the same reason. I like their music, but just listening to it brings back a lot of bad memories that I'd rather forget.
I wish sometimes that my mind could be literally thoughtless - I mean, free of thoughts. It would probably feel like being enclosed in a white room with no windows.
Three Isnít A Pair
I was out with a friend of mine one time, and she kept getting text messages. So of course, she answered them.
I'm sitting there wondering why she doesn't just wait until we were done with our conversation.
Three isn't a pair. It was supposed to be just her and me talking about stuff - but no. Her boyfriend texted her and suddenly it's more important than talking to me.
It's really rude. If I had a cell phone, it would be for emergency and work-related use only. I'd rather talk to friends face-to-face.†
Through the Fire
I once posted an idiotic Facebook status (I no longer have Facebook) that said "Through the fire, flames, and construction at NC State, I carry on!"
During my senior year at college, there was construction going up all over the road that served as the main artery through campus. It was a major pain in the neck. There were traffic jams, and because the pedestrian crosswalks had been torn down, there were students running pell-mell all over the gutted road.†
I wonder how close the construction is to being finished now. I hope it's nearly done.
I will not be stopped. I will not be thwarted. No longer will I be told that I'm not good enough. I will not believe anyone else's lies about my incompetence. I'll stand strong against opposition and do whatever it takes to succeed. I have the potential within me and nothing can take that from me.
I will be stronger than I have been before. I want to grow and change. I want to shed my shell and step away from my comfort zone. I won't care what others think of me. All that does is hold me back.
I don't like it when people tickle me. I'll kill you if you try. It's even worse when a guy tickles you and pins you down so you can't escape. He'll pin you down so you can't even draw a breath. That's when I get really frantic.
Well, in other news, I didn't get the job. But it's OK. I'm not mad, just a little bit upset. I guess I have to start all over again, but that's not as horrible as it seems. I won't lose optimism and faith in God.†
I need a good tickle now, though.†
It's funny to look at a cat when it's stalking a small animal through the grass. Does the cat know that there are much larger parallels to it? Is it aware that there are lions and tigers?
Is there a deep-down instinct inside of a cat that tells it that there are bigger creatures out there?†
The cat's instinct is to hunt the small, the weak, and often, the furry. If a tiger or lion met a cat, would they try to hunt it? To a tiger, a cat is small, weak, and furry. Mice are insignificant.†
Time is like a little fish you pull off the hook. You think it's dead or at least badly wounded, but then it starts to slip out of your grip and before you know it, the fish has flopped back into the water.
That's how time is. You think you can hold onto it, or maybe hang on to one special moment and try to slow it down, but before you know it, it's slipping away. Time flops back into the water, and it becomes a memory - present becomes the past.
It's rushing by and we can't hold onto it.†
Time After Time
It's the name of a corny song that I hear on the radio all the time. I don't know why radio stations play the same old songs. I can understand playing a new hit a lot, but when they play a song from the 80s or 90s that's been around forever, it's just old.
I want to hear more variety. I stopped listening to FM radio, pretty much entirely. I listen to Pandora, even though they tend to repeat songs a lot - you still have more control over what you hear. If a song plays too much, skip.
Tingling On My Lips
Sounds like a commercial for a breath mint. Maybe it is. My friend gave me one of those breath mint strips that's supposed to dissolve in your mouth.†
It didn't dissolve on my tongue. The strip adhered to the roof of my mouth and gave me this burning sensation for the minute it took to disappear. Once it was gone, I had to drink water.
Maybe I'm just a wimp, but those things are really strong! They should come with some kind of warning label or something. It was way more than tingling!†
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