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I realized that he was totally superficial. That was why, when girls met him, they claimed to know everything about him after a week. There was nothing to him. He has such a thin, watery personality that there are no complexities - there is no room for them beneath the shallow surface.
This makes me sad because I wanted with all my heart to believe that he was different; that there was a man lurking under that thin layer. Instead, there was just an eternal child, a Harold Skimpole, and he grew to disgust me. He would not grow up.
I keep dreaming about you, but nothing in my dreams will make me want you again. All it does is make me angry.
You were desperate, and desperate people do stupid things. If you don't believe me, look into history. All through the ages, desperate people have done stupid things. There is a multitude of examples.
Nothing will make me surrender. I will fight until the memory of you is gone completely from me. I will fight until you are nothing more than dust in the wind (like the song). I will fight these memories until you are meaningless.
Surrounded By Idiots
The first thing that comes to mind is my ex-boyfriend and his posse at the community college.
I'm so glad I graduated when I did so I don't have to hang around them and listen to all their stupidity.
I admit, I used to hang out with the idiot crowd, but then I wised up a little and got more confident. I gradually moved away and they forgot that I ever existed, which is a good thing.
It is people like them who don't get their work done. They give community colleges a bad reputation.
I don't like reality TV, mainly because everyone else is so infatuated with it. I don't think I've ever seen a full episode of
before and I have never seen
, because from what I've heard, it just sounds ridiculous and not worthy of using my time to watch.
That new reality show,
, is just sad. It's taking advantage of mentally ill people in order to make money. That is a ticket to hell. Don't these producers and creators of the show feel that there's something wrong with exploiting people? Help them, but not on TV.
I love reading suspense novels, but I don't like watching suspense movies. I can't stand watching a movie and sitting there cringing the entire time. It's the movies that have suspenseful music, then something pops out of the darkness - I can't stand that kind of suspense. That's not even real horror; it's a cheap gimmick to make you jump in your seat.
Because of those startling moments, I really hate watching horror movies. I'm a nervous, jumpy person to begin with and I can't stand watching characters get startled by aliens just around the corner.
I'd rather read.
Sweet Dreams Are Made of These
Hey, I like that song! I wonder what was going through the writers' heads when they (or he or she) wrote the lyrics. Probably about how everyone in the world is up to no good and everyone's trying to use everyone else as a means to an end.
I miss philosophy. I wish I could have taken more classes, but they weren't required for my major.
I already wish I could go back to college and major in Spanish or philosophy or history or library science - still not desperate enough to do math!
I can't surrender to anyone. I'm too jumpy. I'm not trusting. I'm not like those girls who fall head over heels into a relationship with a guy they barely know, then fall into bed with him a day later. I can't do that. My mind is so full of worries and what-ifs that it won't let me.
Besides, who wants to fall in bed with someone they barely know, especially with all those STDs going around? I'd want to at least know the person for one or two years - or better yet, be married to him. *sigh*
I like terms of endearment, but only when they are genuinely meant. 'Sweetheart' sounds to me like something vampires would say to each other. I mean, I understand that it's 'sweetheart' in a metaphorical sense, but...
Some terms of endearment that are related to sweets:
It brings to mind a quote I came up with a long time ago - "Why do we call them sweetie when they don't taste sweet?"
Dirty minds will understand.
I think I'd rather just have someone call me by my name. It means a lot more. Don't call me a nickname. Say my name.
I never learned to swim, probably because when I was a little kid, my cousin nearly drowned me by accident, and after that I was always afraid to swim. I can paddle around in the water, but that's it. I feel bad that I can't swim - maybe if I get a person patient enough, they can teach me, but my legs always cramp and I always feel panicked.
I also don't like to be taught things by people who are not professors. I like to learn by myself or not learn at all - I know that's a foolish statement.
It means "body skill" or "body art" and has something to do with martial arts.
I was never into physical activity. I like to take long walks (preferably with someone I can talk to and trust), but that's the extent of my expertise in phys. ed.
I like basketball - that's the only sport I can really stand. Come to think of it, I had a dream last night that I was playing basketball - it brings back good memories. I was never on a team, so I don't know how good I was, but what mattered was it was fun.
It sounds like it would be an interesting name for a character, but I don't know the meaning. I like to give my characters names that mean something or that have a double meaning, or else I just give them names I like.
I am not married and have no intentions of getting married, but I already picked out my kids' names. Peter for a boy and Teresa for a girl. I've always liked Peter as a boy's name - and it's my great-grandfather's name. Teresa just sounds nice and it's the name of many saints. I'd call her Reese.
Take a Bow
I get such awful stage fright. I hate speaking in front of people. Even when it's just a one-on-one situation, I get really nervous. I get all blotchy and it just looks terrible.
I worry about that on my wedding day (which will never come at this point, but I still like to imagine it) - what happens if I get so much stage fright that I refuse to go through with the wedding?
Oh, well. I'll worry about it if it happens - I already feel like an old maid at 22. Everyone I know is married.
Take a Chance On Me
This might be a song title. I'm not sure.
In my humble opinion, 80s music absolutely sucks. Correction: most 80s music. There are a few songs here and there that I like, but for the most part, it just depresses me.
Kind of odd, because I was born in the 80s.
My favorite kind of music EVER is 90s rock, alternative, and shoegaze. I don't know why I like it - I guess because it calms me and reminds me of my childhood - even though I didn't listen to the radio until I was about 13.
Take My Breath Away
Another song. This one was played so much on the mainstream radio that I quickly grew sick of it.
I think Jessica Simpson or some pop star did a cover of it, which was decent, but got old just as quickly.
I don't want anyone to take my breath away. I don't want to fall in love. I want to think it out and be rational. I hate falling head over heels because I don't know what I'll be getting myself into. I'll never fall in love.
As you can see, I am not a risk taker.
Take My Hand
It's been a long time since I've held hands with anyone.
It's been well over a year since my last relationship ended.
That sounds like what you say when you walk into a confessional. "Bless me father, for I have sinned. It has been a year since my last confession."
In a way, this curtailed blog is a kind of confessional. I don't really care who sees it - maybe they'll get to know me because I could never articulate this stuff out loud as well as I can type it out.
Take my hand, Father. I have sinned.
Taking the Blame
I'll be honest.
I'd rather have others take the blame than pin it all on myself.
Wow, just admitting that makes me feel like a terrible person.
I hate to be blamed for anything, but if it really was my fault, I'll own up to it. If it was someone else's problem, I'm not taking the fall for them - unless they're my best friend or a member of my family, but even then, I'd be hesitant.
I'm just not the type who goes around and takes the blame off other peoples' shoulders.
That's not exactly fair, right?
You wanna know what I hate?
Or any other game that involves too much bodily contact.
I prefer Scrabble or Upwords. They're intelligent and they let you make funny words and make more funny words come out of them. It's like building a garden of words that all sprouted from one seed, or a few seeds.
Now I really want to play Scrabble. Time to call my best friend - he can bring the board and the words, I'll have my enthusiasm for the game, and we'll get tangled up trying to figure out what to do with Z.
I don't like things that taste tart, except cranberries. Sadly enough, I don't think I've ever had an actual cranberry. Being American, and therefore dependent on processed food, the only cranberries I've had are the ones that come in a gelatinous tower from a can. They're more sweet than tart, thanks to the high-fructose corn syrup that is slowly invading every food item.
Either way, I'm more of a sweet-tooth person. I love Hershey's chocolate and Dove chocolate. There are a few other more expensive brands I love, but never give me Palmer's. It's no good.
I've never really liked tea.
I don't like the sweet tea that everyone is so fond of here in the South. I don't like unsweetened tea either, come to think of it. I don't know how people can gulp down gallons of it.
I like chamomile tea, but only before bed or when I'm sick. It makes me use the bathroom more often and has a soporific effect.
My college roommate liked tea; she had peppermint tea that smelled very good, but I never tried any. The leaves were loose, so it looked like potpourri.
No tea for me.
I like the color teal - or any shade of blue and green, really.
Except that ultra neon green and ultra neon blue. They're too bright for me. I like dusky colors rather than bright ones.
Even though my alma mater's school color is red, I prefer the color of our rival school, baby blue.
I'd fit in better at UNC-Chapel Hill, I guess. It's kind of sad. If I was a bit more intelligent, and if I lived closer to Chapel Hill, I would have gone there instead.
Just so I could wear my favorite color.
Whenever a teacher in college or high school said to the class, "Let's get in groups," I rolled my eyes.
I hate to sound mean, but other people just slow me down. I feel like I never have anything to contribute to a group, and that if I had something to contribute, my opinions wouldn't be as valid.
When a teacher proposes group work too often, it means that he or she isn't really doing their job of teaching us.
OK, some teachers have good reasons for it, but from what I've observed, it means that they're being lazy.
I am no longer in a relationship. I've been single for over a year, and it still feels so weird to me.
I cry more when I'm in a relationship than when I'm single.
I'm heartless. I never cry during breakups. Then, maybe three or four years later, I'll remember something poignant and then I'll cry, or at least feel sad.
I wonder if it's worth it to get into another relationship. To risk it. It's like a gamble. You never know if the guy will turn into a scumbag or be lying to you.
Is it even worth it?
Tears of Joy
I don't think I've ever cried from joy. I've cried from laughing too hard, but that's not really joy.
I've cried from being angry, cried from being sad, cried from being depressed and pitiful...
but never from joy.
Maybe, if I ever have kids, I'll cry from joy when they're born. Maybe I'll cry out of joy when I get married (but whenever I imagine that, I always imagine that my tears mourn the loss of my virginity and my single life).
My happiness is short-lived. I smile for an hour, then I lock it in memory.
I am a horrible tease.
That's the other reason I'm not interested in guys right now. I'm currently caught between my religion, which permits me not to have sex before marriage, and my sexuality, which causes me to be a tease.
I don't want to torture the poor guy, so I think I'll just reject him and stay away from him altogether. It's better off that way until I learn to control myself better.
He doesn't have to wait for me. He can do better than me.
I'll just tear him down, but I don't mean to.
I like the idea of telepathy. I might write about it more in stories, or create characters who have telepathic abilities.
I'm not a good fantasy writer, so I'd rather write about people who have odd powers in an otherwise real world.
I'm not big into creating entire worlds, mostly because it's so hard to break out of all the fantasy cliches and create something entirely new. Even J.K. Rowling falls victim to cliches, as Harold Bloom has pointed out.
I can picture him with a notebook and pen, writing down every cliche, shaking his head.
Tell Him Goodbye
I feel like I've talked about this so many times.
Goodbyes are a relief for me. It means I won't have to trouble myself with talking to someone until I see them again.
In the case of breakups, it means I won't have to trouble myself with that particular person ever again.
Every breakup that's ever happened to me, whether I initiated it or not, has been a relief.
I sound like such a bitch when I say that, but relationships are such an expense of energy for me - even just a friendship.
It's just too much.
When I was ten, I was in fifth grade. I didn't really care too much for fifth grade. I had a few good friends, but fifth grade and ten years old is when females start acting catty and bitchy. At that point, (and earlier) I remember wanting to be more friendly with the guys. Less drama, even in the fifth grade. Girls were already worried about makeup, fashion, and brand names. They were ten. I was still playing with dolls at ten.
I think if I could get away with it, I'd still be playing with dolls now, at 22.
Ten Years Ago
Ten years ago, I was eleven and everything was just beginning. The year 2000 was a beginning for me. It was my first year of middle school - and the seven years that constituted both middle and high school were amazing. College was equally amazing - and that was an entire eleven years of my life.
Now I don't know what to do. I'm trying to find a job and trying to do my best at writing, but I don't know if it's enough or if it's sufficient to please whoever I'm trying to please.
I'll just keep praying.
I don't know if I'm any good at writing emotional scenes. I can write sex scenes, but it's hard to get the emotion in there. It's easy to write "she was mad" or "he was excited", but it's difficult to express it in any way.
I've written several scenes where my characters are pregnant or are giving birth, and because I've never experienced that, I think that the scenes are terrible. They probably turn out more funny than tender.
It's hard to project myself into a situation I've never been in, but that's what I have to do as a writer.
I'm 22 and have never had a drink of alcohol, except for the wine at church, but that doesn't count.
I won't buy alcohol for anyone, not even my parents. I don't see any good coming from it. Maybe certain kinds of wine make you healthier, but to me, it's just not worth it.
I don't see why people smoke cigarettes either. Expensive, cancerous, unattractive.
Don't even get me started on chewing tobacco. Every time I see someone carrying around a cup and spitting into it, I want to kick them.
You only live once, why poison yourself?
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