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Rise For the Moment
I am rising for the moment. I am going to succeed in life and God will help me. I want to have utmost faith in him. He's pulled me out of so many bad spots and has helped my family out so many times. It's so amazing that every time I fall, he is there to pick me up and make me feel safe again. I'm so glad I can say that I am free to love God above all else - and I want to keep on clinging to him because he has saved me many times.
I have many rituals and the reason for that is probably because I was brought up Roman Catholic - a highly ritualistic religion. Ritual and order brings comfort to my life and makes me feel safe and at home. I'm an organized person and I like predictability and stasis. I have some private rituals that I do every year - April 20 is one of mine, but not for the same reason you're probably thinking of. Today, February 2, is another day in my ritualistic canon. I could name a million more, but at the expense of boring you, I will not.
It's close enough to Valentine's Day. I might as well write about roses. This will be the first Valentine's Day I've been single in a long time - and it'll be a relief. Everything about being single has been a relief to me lately. I am beginning to think that I'm one of those people who will never marry. I might have fifteen cats, I might not. It's too early to tell on that. But the more I go through life as a single, the more I realize that this is how it's meant to be. I don't need a guy.
When I was a little kid, I used to want to name my kid Rosemary. I thought it was the most beautiful name in the world, right up there with Amanda. I thought Helga was a pretty name, too. I was a weird kid, I guess. There were a few other names I really liked back then. Oddly enough, I thought Hillary was a beautiful name, but I hear it now and I'm like *gag*. Now I want to name my kid Peter if it's a boy or Petra if it's a girl. I'm no longer creative with girl names.
I remember back in middle school, when rumors used to go around about the most outrageous things. "So and so lost their virginity to so and so", "So and so is pregnant and she doesn't know who the father is", "I heard you were gay so now I won't hang out with you anymore". For heaven's sake, people. It's middle school. You've got the rest of your lives ahead of you. Stop wasting your time on this petty crap and look ahead. It'll get better very soon. I know you're awkward and you feel like a freak. It'll get better.
Run Away (Clement)
I've tried everything. I've been praying. I've been giving Peter advice. I've been trying to give Sarah advice, but of course she's not listening to me. I'll do everything but run away and give up. Peter is my best friend. He never walked out on me when I had a problem, even if my problems were nothing compared to his. I'll never walk out on him, not even if it was at the risk of death. I tried to warn him - I tried to help prevent this problem, but he never listened. Peter can be so stubborn...
Running Through Yesterday (Fred)
I'd run back through yesterday at a pace so fast I couldn't see the wreckage. If I could, I'd destroy yesterday with my bare hands and make it weep for mercy. It's not fair that yesterday is messed up and it's not my fault. Yesterday is something I never wanted to face, but was forced into. I hate yesterday and everything that's happened to me. None of it has been my fault - I solemnly swear. Everyone blames the problems of their yesterdays on me and I have nobody to blame, so I will blame the world.
I made the sacrifice. I have given up what was most important to me in the world, or what I thought was most important to me. It has been easier for me to accept the change than I thought it would be; so much easier. I can only hope that it will continue to be this easy. I want to thank God again for giving me the strength to make this sacrifice and eventually find myself on dry land after years of a slow death by drowning. Thank you, Lord. I have only you to credit for this sudden happiness.
I'm an advocate of "safety first". I don't understand why some people just don't wear seat belts. That is extremely difficult for me to understand. Every time I get in the car, even if I'm only moving it and I'll only be going down the driveway, I put on my seat belt, out of pure force of habit. I don't even think about it. I just do it. I read all these articles in the news about people dying in wrecks - and chances are the article says, "So-and-so was not wearing a seat belt." They save lives!
They are the Japanese cherry blossom tree. I totally want to go to Japan one of these days - Japan, Italy, Germany, and Georgia (not the state, but the country near Russia). I think the Japanese culture is superior to American culture in many ways - but then again, I think any country's culture is superior to America's. We are falling down in everything - culture, society, education, government... everything just seems to fall in a heap at our feet. We can moan and complain to the Internet and write 100-word blogs, but what good will all that do? At least something...
Only in God is there true salvation. There are too many people in this world who try to find salvation by other means, but that always ends in failure. There is nothing to be found in sex, drugs, alcohol, or money - at least not in the long run. What really matters is the love of God and people who love you for who you really are - people who will accept you with all your flaws and who won't try to change you. I'm glad that God gave his son's life for me so that I can live in freedom forever.
It was a totally awesome book by William Faulkner about a girl who gets caught up in prostitution and completely changes. I think Faulkner had women labeled absolutely correctly - I can sympathize with most of his female characters and I know a ton of girls who are like the main character in Sanctuary; their "natural" tendencies make them want to act out and get in a whole bunch of trouble, but all they really want is a "sanctuary", safety and containment. When I read the book and had the teacher explain some parts to me, I was blown away. Awesome.
I'm not a huge sandwich fan. I used to hate those sandwiches in elementary school, made with plain white bread. By lunchtime came around, the bread would be all soggy from the lettuce and cold cuts, and the whole sandwich would stick to the roof of your mouth. It took the entire lunch period to try and extricate the sandwich. My rule is, if you have to make a sandwich, make it on bread that won't get saturated with moisture from the meat and vegetables. That makes for a much more enjoyable eating experience, as I see it.
I'm the master of sarcasm. It pushes a lot of people away, but that's usually because they don't get it when I'm being sarcastic. That's always good - it rules out the stupid people. My friends are just about as sarcastic as I am. It makes me proud to know that they get all my jokes, no matter how mean-spirited or off-putting. I'm glad to be the bastard that I am and I can only hope that the world, by its very nature, continues to weed out stupid people, that is - if it doesn't help make them.
I don't need anyone to save me except God, and he always has, whenever I've needed him. Some days, it's nearly impossible to keep your faith up. Other days, you need God to get you through at all. I keep getting questioned about my faith - people tell me they feel sorry for me when I say I'm Catholic. What's there to feel sorry about? I've met a lot of people who say they used to be Catholic, but they couldn't handle it anymore. I don't try to convert anyone, but I wonder if that's what I should be doing.
Save Your Tears
I never officially cried over him. Not after the breakup, anyway. I was too relieved then. I cried after the fact, once I could finally rationalize what had happened and made relative sense of it. I'm not wasting my tears on him. He was good to the girl he had after me, probably because she put out. It's not fair at all, but that's the way the world works. I don't think I'll ever meet the guy who is patient enough to wait for me, and at this point, I don't care. I'm going to save my tears.
I wish people would just tell me what they thought of me - without any lying or hesitation. I know there is one girl who hates my guts - there may even be others - I just wish she (and the possible others) would tell me to my face. I'd like to know their reasoning. I'm pretty sure it's not a very good reason - probably because I actually know how to keep my mouth shut and mind my own business - just because I'm not a fucking loudmouth like you doesn't mean I'm stupid - but even so, I'd like to know the reason.
I don't like how there always has to be a scapegoat when something goes wrong, especially when their scapegoat status isn't based on any logic. People are silly creatures - always leaping to conclusions and letting their emotions rule them; I get irritated at myself because I'm more emotionally led than I should be. I try to think things out logically, I try to reason with people, but I've come to realize that there are some people in the world that it's impossible to reason with. My mom, my grandma, my ex... sometimes even I'm impossible at times - but I'm trying.
I know it's a song by the Red Hot Chili Peppers - and a very good song, I might add. I've given up music for Lent, as has been my tradition since 9th grade. I've also given up Facebook to some degree and I've given up wasting my time online looking at funny pictures. Maybe this will give me more motivation to study for my midterms and get past the hardest part of the semester, which will be over on Monday at 2:45, after I do my presentation. If there's anything in this world I hate, it's oral presentations.
I used to think I was scared of certain things. But it turns out, I really didn't know what scared was until I met Jacob. There are two sides to him - Good Jacob and Bad Jacob and I don't know which side is the Real Jacob. I wanted to ask Rachel and she won't talk to me. I can see why. Now that I think about it, I was foolish to date her ex, no matter how charming he was. He's nothing like that now; well, in Good Jacob mode, he is. I wish he was all good.
Scarred For Life (Aeron)
Master has scarred me and it has hurt badly but I know I can keep going somehow because yes this is a video game i have many more lives and if i keep on going i'll find more lives pick them up and win this game i want to defeat master like he is the final boss but he is the one giving me orders and if i defeat him i won't know where to go next all i want is to be unscarred if there even is such a word i don't think there is
I'm pretty sure I've written about this one before. I don't have any scars on my body, except for the one above my eyebrow when my ex's brother smashed a basketball into my face by accident. My ex (different ex) had a scar on his lip that he got when he was a little kid. I miss him. I really miss him, but oddly enough I know that I don't really love him. To admit, I still love the ex I had before him and it will take awhile for those feelings to finally fade. He was wrong for me.
How perfect! It seems my ex will be downgrading. I am laughing at that, but at the same time, I know the girl (again), so maybe it won't end up being that bad. Yet, it is hysterical for me and I admit, I'm addicted to the drama that is my ex friends' lives. Dirty confession. I'm supposed to be all mature and in my senior year of college, yet I'm addicted to this drama like it's some kind of television show. Terrible of me, I know, but what can you do? The drama's just so undeniably epic and slightly sad!
It means "a mess" in Yiddish, or something thereabouts. I love writing my story because it's a mess. It's a train wreck for all the characters except the main one; he's a demigod, so he always gets his way. I'm never sending this story out for publication; I'll admit, it's too much like Twilight to go anywhere, but I'm only finishing it for my own personal benefit. My ex, who came up with the ideas, quit caring about it and I've been writing the story since 2004, so I can't give up - it's been way too long - I'll keep going.
It means cheap or trashy in Yiddish; I had to look that up. The only Yiddish word I know is "schlep" and I'm not even sure I spelled that right. I learned it from my grandmother who used to pretend to be Jewish when she was a teenager in New York. Apparently they had dances in the temples - or somewhere that was just for Jews and she sneaked in there to dance. I probably got the story wrong, but I shouldn't have because she tells it every time I see her. I wonder why older people tell the same stories...
I like using this word - one of my exes, the one from Buffalo, used to use it, too. The only good thing about him was that he was some part Italian - nice. I need to quit writing about my exes, but I know that I will not get over them until I get a new boyfriend - and I don't want a new boyfriend. There's nobody I really like except for - my last ex - but he's in the air force and I highly doubt he'll come back and want to date me again. I'm Catholic and that's a turn-off.
I love my school. I don't care too much for the campus, which consists of pretty much all bricks (even the sidewalk, which is horribly slippery in any condition other than sunshine), but I love my school. I think that going to college changed me more than anything else in my life. I have let go of the stupid, immature, naive girl I used to be in high school. I know I'm still stupid, immature, and naive to some extent, but I don't see it as that bad. I'm more calm and less likely to jump up screaming random things.
There's always a group of super obsessed fanboys hanging out around the building where I work - I work for a video game company. They're begging for free stuff and just being annoying. We specifically have a NO LOITERING sign there; we put it up just yesterday, but I don't think they've noticed. They spend all day pressing their faces against the glass, hoping to see inside. Well, there's really nothing special to see. The next step would be to get the cops involved, but I don't want to discourage fans; it's just that they get annoying after awhile.
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