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BY M

06/01 Direct Link
Karma

I believe that karma comes back. I donít think I should seriously believe in karma, being a Christian, but I do somewhat. For years of breaking hearts, I will eventually get my heart broken. Iíve been shielding myself from karma for awhile, but eventually I will have to fall headfirst into love and get smashed on the concrete like Humpty Dumpty after his great fall. When that day comes, I will be ready. Iíll be putting on my armor in the meantime, getting ready. Iíll be putting my heart in a glass cage so at least some part survives.
06/02 Direct Link
Keeping a Secret

I am pretty good at keeping secrets, but I get very nosy when it comes to finding out about them. I try not to overtly pry into peoplesí lives, but I do get very curious, even when that curiosity may end up hurting me. I wish I could be less curious; I would stay out of a lot of trouble for sure. I am glad that people trust me to keep their secrets, and I also wish I could trust them to keep mine. Iím starting not to care too much anymore, especially in terms of secrets.
06/03 Direct Link
Keepsake

I have many keepsakes from the various times and people in my life. Some of them bring back painful memories that I would like to forget, but I keep the trinket from that time because I want to remember for when I am older and I want to bring back certain memories. Itís just another page in the book of my own history, which is why I believe in keeping journals and diaries; because they become keepsakes and can be very precious to look back on after a few years have passed. My journals are my most special keepsakes.
06/04 Direct Link
Key to the Heart

The way to a manís heart is through his stomach. I beg to differ. The true key to a manís heart is an entirely different organ, but Iím not going to get into that. One of my friends was telling me a bunch of stories about sex last night and after awhile, I wanted to slam the phone down and forget it all. Itís like she wants to make me jealous that sheís having sex and Iím not. Well, I have reasons for not giving it up. The guy must find the key to my heart.
06/05 Direct Link
Kick in the Ass

Iíd like to give a few people a swift kick in the ass, but rather than being intrusive, Iím going to just let them fade out of my life. If they want to stick around, they can contact me. If they donít, then I guess they werenít worth it in the first place. I know that Iím better than that, and I wonít just walk out on someone because of something stupid that happened. Iím not a drama queen anymore, and I refuse to be mastered by that old high school bullshit that keeps happening now.
06/06 Direct Link
Kick in the Head

Lately, my best friendís been forcing to me to watch a lot of action movies in an attempt to get me to like them. The opposite has occurred. I found out I do not like superhero movies, and I did like Rush Hour, but only because of the funny parts. After awhile, all the explosions, kicks in the head, and stupid one-dimensional love affairs, just start to get more and more stupid. I am starting to despise Hollywood and how everything becomes a clichť after awhile. If I wrote an action movie, it would be better.
06/07 Direct Link
Kin

Those are the ones related to you. I only get to see my grandma and my parents and my brother. My best friend is like my adopted older brother, and I get to see him, but thatís about it. All the rest of my relatives live out of state and I really want to see them more often. When I get the money in the future, I will eventually work up enough to go out of state (or to Italy, where my uncle lives) and see them. I wish I was closer to my cousins, especially. I miss them.
06/08 Direct Link
Kind

He was not kind to me. I read some journal entries from a few years back, and I hate how subservient I was towards him and how he never did anything for me. He never asked me if I was hungry or thirsty and he never even entertained me. I was sitting at his house waiting for him to tell me what to do, and I am ashamed of it. I hate that I was like that. Now I am different and I will never put up with that kind of shit again. The next man will be better.
06/09 Direct Link
Kingdom Come

When his kingdom comes, I wonder if I will be ready. I am trying to go back to a pure state, like I was in when I was fifteen, before I met James and got royally screwed up. I hate how much love can screw you over. I hate how you are so in love, but in the end, you know that itís not right at all and you shouldnít be in love with this person. Thatís why Iím afraid of love. I never want to fall in love again because Iím afraid of how it will end.
06/10 Direct Link
Kinki

According to Encyclopedia Britannica, Kinki is a region of Japan. Thatís good because I didnít want to write about ďkinkyĒ. I donít know if I want to go to Japan. Five years ago I wouldíve wanted to, but not so much anymore. Iíd rather go to Italy, Germany or France. Not that Japan isnít cool, but it just doesnít hold my interest as much. If I had the opportunity to go to Japan and only Japan, Iíd go, but if I had a choice, I wouldnít choose Japan. Thatís beside the point, because I donít think Iíll be traveling.
06/11 Direct Link
Kiss

I miss having a nice kiss every now and again. The last kiss I had was on April 27 of this year, and I want another one from the same person, but I just realized that I never wanted him in the first place. I only started wanting him because he left me. When we were ďtogetherĒ I had been planning to break up with him anyway, after a short period because I really wanted to be single. I still want to be single, but at the same time, I want this guy. I miss him and his kiss.
06/12 Direct Link
Kissing a Cop

I donít think Iíd ever kiss a cop to get out of a bad situation. Iím not that desperate or that slutty. The only way Iíd kiss a cop is if I was dating one or I was married to one. I donít care what my future husband does for a living as long as itís not too dangerous and he can take care of me and the kids. Thatís all. I see myself living alone in the future, and thatís not a terrible thing, as long as I get ten minutes of human interaction a day.
06/13 Direct Link
Kite Flying

I probably flew a kite once or twice, as a kid. I know it happens in a lot of movies because thatís all Iíve been watching lately is stupid action movies. The kid is being a kid, maybe flying a kite, maybe playing with toys, then the evil villain kidnaps him and itís up to the superhero to return the child to his parents, getting a sloppy wet kiss on the cheek as a reward. I could go on and on about how much I donít like superhero movies anymore. All the fun in them has died today.
06/14 Direct Link
Kitsune

Itís Japanese for ďfoxĒ. I saw this little fox when I was walking on the bridge over the railroad tracks at my school. It had a little gray muzzle and was peering out from the chain link fence. The campus police was staring back at it. I hope they werenít going to put it down for rabies or something, but then again, I donít want a rabid fox running around attacking people. Having an evil badger is bad enough. Kitsune is also the name of a character on the anime / manga Love Hina, which I would rather just forget.
06/15 Direct Link
Knowing

Knowing is nothing good. Ignorance is bliss and I believe that on every level possible. There are many things I have found out that have made me think less of certain people and I wish I had never known them. They say knowledge is power, but ignorance is still bliss. I think I would rather be blissful and weak than unhappy and powerful. I just hate the stigma you get when youíre not college-educated or when you were born into a certain low-income family. Well, at least Iím not going to be marrying into one of those families anymore.
06/16 Direct Link
Lackluster

I feel lackluster today. Itís all getting to me. My lack of emotion, my need to push away every single person in my life, and my general bitchiness. I know Iíll get over it by tomorrow, or in a few hours, because it was a dream that made me feel this way. I hate how dreams have the most powerful emotions and they remind you so much of reality that you are convinced that they can become real. Iím annoyed at everyone right now, because nobody has the balls to talk to me. So forget me. I donít care.
06/17 Direct Link
Lachrymose

Nothing seemed to be working anymore. Nothing I did had any effect on the situation. I lost her. Sheís gone. X has her, and because of that, my darkness is back. Every bit of the darkness I used to have in sixth grade is back, and I am reminded of Cain with every step I take. That character was a product of our mutual anger, a product of our sadness. Iíd love to have her back, but if sheís going to be with X, then fine. She will be sorry in a little while. I will have moved on.
06/18 Direct Link
Lady in Red

Maxineís my mujer en rojo. She can be a little roughneck, but I love her too much to complain. The girl gives me what I need, sheís cute, she knows how to kick ass, and she loves me. Well, I think she does. Lately sheís been hot and cold, off and on. If thereís one thing I never figured out, itís how to tame Maxine. The girlís like a little tiger sometimes, you know? Most of the time, itís safer just to let her do her own thing and be left alone. Maxine, my lady in red.
06/19 Direct Link
Last Hope

I thought Maxine was my last hope. She may be confused, but I can tell sheíll lean toward the right direction. Sheís got too much life to waste it being away from God. She was the only girl who ever expressed genuine interest in wanting to date me, so that means something. I pray that whatever problem sheís facing will go away. I pray that whatever weird sensations Iím getting from this school go away, or become eased. Yet, I still canít escape the feeling that something bad is going to happen here. God is the last hope.
06/20 Direct Link
Late Nights

Iím a night person. I always have been. When I was in the band, nights were the best time for me to practice my tuba. Iíd take it out to the center of the golf course behind my house and blast it as loud and as long as I could, until I felt tired and my lips were sore. I never practiced when I was supposed to, because all my practice was done at night. At practice in school, Iíd just play around and try to entertain everyone, which failed miserably. But thatís a story for another day.
06/21 Direct Link
Laugh Out Loud

Iím not the laughing type. Iím a hardass. You laugh at me, I fuck with you. You laugh with me, then maybe youíll end up being my friend. I like to test you. Iíll make you laugh, just to see if youíre really laughing or if youíre just laughing because youíre scared of me. When I do laugh out loud, and when I give you my signature stare, you better run for cover, because Iíll be after your ass. I hate laughter when somethingís not funny. My signature stare isnít funny. Itís dangerous. So you better run.
06/22 Direct Link
Laughter

I remember what it felt like to laugh. Laughter is so far gone from me, and when you feel that God has left you, there is the foreboding feeling that you will never laugh again. I havenít laughed since the day before I died. My uncle came over and he was cracking jokes and trying to make me smile. I think I scared him because I never smiled. I overheard him talking to my dad, telling him that my head was always in the air and I was not normal. I was not a teenage boy, I was old.
06/23 Direct Link
Laundry

On the day before the move, I was helping my mom do laundry and I just broke down. I have never cried like that before and I donít think I ever will again. I destroyed my life in Jekuvia, and quite possibly, my life everywhere else I go. Iíve made big mistakes here, mistakes that I hope never to make again. Everyone tells me Iím smart, but am I smart enough to stop making mistakes? All I wanted was to make Ally happy and keep Vince, but I lost them both. I donít know if Iíll ever come back.
06/24 Direct Link
Lean On Me

I usually donít want girls leaning on me. They can take care of their own problems. Stelleís different somehow. I donít have to be tough around her. I never have to put up a wall, because she seems to see right through it. Sheís already told me about her father Ė that horrible secret. If she was a better friend, Iíd go over there and kick her dadís ass, but from what she told me, heís not someone to mess with. I donít care. You threaten my friend, you threaten me. Stelle can lean on me, I guess.
06/25 Direct Link
Leaving My Mark

By the time I graduate from Jekuvia High, Iíll have left my mark as being the school slut. In my honest humble opinion, how can you be defined as a slut when youíve only slept with three guys? To me, a slut is someone who sleeps with, like, over five men. Why should I care about this mark Iíve left? Rita. Sheís still there. Sheís known as ďthe girl whoís best friends with the school slutĒ. I care enough about Rita to not want her to get in trouble for my sake. I love her too much.
06/26 Direct Link

Left Behind

Iíve been reading the Left Behind series, and I wonder if thatís the way it would really happen.At the end of the world, I mean.Somehow, I donít think so.Only God knows how the world will end, and us humans can only speculate and will probably be wrong 99.9% of the time.I do worry, though.I donít want to be one of the ones left behind.I feel like Iíve lived a virtuous life, but at times, I wonder if Iíve done enough for everyone else.They donít trust me to do anything for them.

06/27 Direct Link

Lemon

A lemon is sweet and sour.His kiss and personality are the same way.Thereís so much I want to tell him about the way he kisses me.I want to tell him what his personality does to me.I wish I could break down and cry in front of him, but heíd never hold me, not when he found out why I was crying.Itís hard to tell whoís stronger in this relationship, and itís even more difficult to tell who has been stronger.Heís had more hurdles to jump, hurdles thatíve turned his personality into a lemon.

06/28 Direct Link

Let it Snow

I donít really like the cold.I donít like when it snows because that means school and work get cancelled and I donít get to boss anyone around.One day, I will be the CEO of a big corporation.I will be the Chief Executive Officer.Every time I tell someone my lifeís goal, I make sure to pronounce it with capital letters.Chief Executive Officer.It sounds so good.I say it to myself before I fall asleep, like a prayer.I know Iíll get there one day.One way or another, Iíll make it.CEOÖ

06/29 Direct Link

Letís Rock

Crispinís band played last night and they were pretty good.Iím about fed up with Kitty, though.She canít get enough of guys, especially guys everyone else likes.Kayla and I were really upset about that.I mean, Kitty must go through four relationships in a school year.Now she wants Crispin, whoís graduating soon.That means sheís going to try even harder to get to him before he goes off to college.Oh well.I never liked Crispin; heís a good mentor, but heís in a band that plays rock music I donít like.Itís too loud.

06/30 Direct Link

Letters

They tell me my name is a boyís name.I was thinking of adding another letter to it so it would be more girly, but I like my name.Iíve been Orrin all my life and Iím not about to change it.Lorrin is pretty, but then the guys at school would pick on me for spelling Lauren wrong.Oh well.Maybe I could rearrange the letters in my name.Nirro.Ronir.Irron.Norri.Rinor.Those all sound pretty stupid.I am called Orrin for a reason, even if I donít know the reason.Iím just tired of bullying.