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I loaned that book to my ex-boyfriend and I still have not gotten it back.
by Stephen King is a pretty thick book, and I could understand that it would take him awhile to finish it, but I want it back! I like to have my Stephen King collection intact. I wonder if
has helped him cure his insomnia, or maybe speaking to his ďnew goddessĒ has. I know I sound jealous, but Iím really not. Iím finally free from itÖ but if someone even lays a hand on my new boyfriend, Iíll be all over them.
When I had my old car, I would dread inspection day. The odometer had stopped running for some time, and I wondered what they would think when they saw that. I did not have the money to get the thing fixed. The rest of the car worked fine, it was just that stupid odometer. Thank God for places who donít really inspect your car. This is an exaggeration, but the one I go to checks the headlights and the turning signals, slaps the sticker up on the windshield, and gives you more time to procrastinate on your car repairs.
Is this the same as intuition? I would think that animals have instincts, but humans have intuitions. I know humans have instincts, too, but thatís more biological in nature. Intuitions are more like the mental equivalent of instincts. I think I just answered my own question. Some of the human biological instincts are annoying, like the urge to breed, and others are necessary. ButÖ I sometimes wish that intuitions were made a lot more clear. Itís easy to pass them up because they drift through your mind. Theyíre never as loud as the biological things. That can be frustrating.
That word brings back bad memories of footballÖ I may be thinking of ďinterceptionĒ, but I donít care. I donít care for football. Iíve seen one game in person and it was a high school game, which is lame. Iíve seen countless bits and pieces on television and they have all bored me to death. I just learned what a ďterrible towelĒ is this year and I think itís the funniest thing ever. I will root for my college team, but only because they are my college Ė not because I like football or really care who wins the games.
I have to interrupt him because he does not stop talking. He talks to random strangers, and his conversations go in a circle. He tells me the same thing all the time and I tire of it, but find it amusing at the same time. Itís just his personality. Itís just the way he is, and he needs an interruption every so often. Heís so conceited and heís got no right to be. He fashions himself a ladiesí man, but I donít ever see girls look his way. He thinks he can pull me into his world. He canít.
This is a boring word. Iíve read a lot about intervention policies when I was doing research for my rhetoric class. I chose the topic ďzero tolerance in public schools.Ē I think it should be outlawed and that a certain type of intervention policy should take its place. This intervention would stop discipline problems before they start. Itís a proactive, somewhat idealistic approach, but itís something that should be seriously looked into. There are too many children who are becoming victims of these negative zero-tolerance policies, and the consequences of these policies are too great. Intervention would bring peace.
He said that the relationship he had with his ex-girlfriend was special. He said it was intimate. He wanted something like that with me. Something special and intimate. I thought, based on the way he described his ex-girlfriend, that she was ďeasyĒ. I asked him how long they had been dating and he said about a year. In a year, I will not sleep with you. I will not do ďintimateĒ things with you. I will kiss you, I will let you hold me. I will not be easy. If you want me, you have to respect me first.
After a Google search, I realized that this means ďgood done in secretĒ. Itís like that saying in the Bible, where you should give alms and pay tithes so that your right hand doesnít know what your left is doing. Donít do things in order to be a braggart or to be arrogant. Do good things to feel better about yourself, or more importantly, to help someone else Ė to show them that you genuinely care about them. Itís one of my goals in life Ė to become more of a gentle, loving, pure person. I want to set an example.
I had to type that word about a thousand times this past semester (according to my calendar, itís still the same semester). I was doing all kinds of reports and things like that. Things that had introductions. Right now Iím in the summer, and Iím doing more fiction-oriented writing. Those kinds of things have prologues, which are introductions, in a sense. Iím also writing poetry, which has no introduction. Iíd love to be a published poet, but I have to get over my ambition first. I do write for the sake of writing, but I want to be recognized.
I thought intuition was right. Intuition led me to my third boyfriend, and for about two years we had a good relationship. Those were the years we both went to the same school. Once I left for college, the relationship was in a period of slow decline until we finally broke up two and a half years after that. So intuition was wrong. For all intents and purposes, our relationship should have been broken up after I graduated high school. It was a good relationship, but in hindsight, I am seeing more and more of the flaws in it.
Teenagers seem to think they are invincible, like nothing can happen to them. I realized how fragile I was at that time. I realized just how silly and stupid I was. I knew I was a dumb little teenager. I knew I could be killed easily. I relished my vulnerability, used it to my advantage, made everyone believe I was innocent and knew nothing. I would never want to be invincible. I want to be human. I donít fit in well as it is, and I think I would rather be human and able to die like everyone else.
Sometimes I feel like I already have that power. I often imagined that I had it in high school, so during lunch I could sneak around like a ghost and spy on everyone. In community college, I was virtually invisible to everyone. At regular college, I am still invisible. I am so invisible that when I fell down the stairs, nobody offered to help me up, nobody checked to see if I was all right. I knew they were watching when I fell. I knew they heard the exhalation of air from my lungs when my hands hit pavement.
I wonder where that word came from. Every irk I have is miraculously gone, ever since April 17. I have not seriously worried about anything since that day. My future is open wide. Thereís no fear of living in a double wide, no fear of going into debt, no fear of the in-laws coming over all the time, no fear of my child becoming addicted to soda before he turns 2, no fear of my parents hating me. The only worry I have is that Iíll spend the rest of my life alone, and that doesnít seriously bother me.
Is It Really You?
I suppose it is really me. Iím 20 years old Ė might as well round that up to 21. I still donít know who I am or what I want out of life yet. I know I want security. I want to get a house and a job and a car and something steady, like a daily routine that I wonít deviate from until I retire. All I want is security. I donít want love, I donít want money, I donít want fancy thingsÖ I want to be secure and know I will wake the next morning.
Itís A Strange and Frightening Thing to See Yourself at Your Worst
It is. Believe me, it is. You canít see it when youíre by yourself. You can only see it when youíre with the person who brings out the worst in you. A person who can uncover all of your flaws in a second, a person who has the power to see right through everyone of your cheap, petty desires and show that you are indeed a sinner, no better than anyone else. The only person who can do this is a person who really loves you. How ironic.
Itís An Endless Cycle
I have just escaped from one, and I will never start another cycle ever again. I will never date a guy again, unless I am certain that he is different from the others. I am not hardwired to keep dating jerks. I refuse to keep dating them. I will aim much higher this time. I will only accept a guy who will respect me and not put me down. I will only accept the guy who wonít expect me to put out. I will only accept the guy who accepts me for everything I am worth.
Itís been an entire month since the breakup, and I have not cried over him once. I cried two times: once over a sad song and once over a movie. They werenít extended crying jags, either. I just cried for two minutes, wiped my tears and that was it. I guess itís begun Ė my being single. It feels so funny. I drove myself home from the movie theater at night. I kissed myself goodnight and tucked myself in. The last voice I heard in my ear before I fell asleep was mine. This is what single feels like.
It was love. Itís not love anymore. I do not think Iíll be able to fall head over heels in love again. I am too intent on seeking out every single one of a guyís flaws before I really get involved in anything with him. I was slowly falling in love with Daniel, but I kept struggling to pick out his flaws. I found a few, but they seemed insignificant, especially compared to the flaws in my ex-boyfriends. I hate how relationships are like that Ė a quest to find out what drives you crazy about a particular person.
Itís Not Eyeliner
I hate wearing makeup. I am 20 years old and Iíve only worn eyeshadow once or twice in my life. I wear mascara more often than I wear eyeliner, and I wear lip gloss and cover up all the time. I hate taking off makeup, because I think I get it all off, but days afterward, black bleeds from my eyelashes. It makes it look like someone punched me in the eye, which is attractive to emo kids, but not to me. I cannot use liquid eyeliner to save my life Ė I just make a hopeless mess.
Thatís supposedly a character in
, an anime/manga I never really got into. For an animated character, heís pretty cute I guess. Heís supposed to be Sasukeís older brother. I am so glad Iím not into anime. If thereís anything that sucks away money faster than anime, let me know what it is. Everyone I know who is into anime is perpetually broke because they keep buying the stuff. Why not just rent it and get the manga from a library? I donít like manga because Iíd rather read a book than look at all those jumbled up pictures.
I could have sworn Iíve had this as a topic before. My old relationship ended mostly because I was tired of the pattern. I was tired of falling into and out of love all the time, tired of him disappointing me, tired of me disappointing him, tired of him telling everything to some other girl instead of to me. I was past tired of our communication issues that we never seemed to fully work out. I was tired of the sex and its pressure on the purity of the relationship. Letting him go was a weight off my chest.
I probably should never have dated him, knowing the jealousy I would have to withstand. At the time, I figured it was good for me. I figured that the more I dealt with being jealous, the better I would be able to control my jealousy. I think I was wrong. The next guy I pick is not going to be so much of a ladiesí man. I thought I could deal with jealousy. I thought I would eventually grow out of it. Nope, sorry. Itís a part of me, just like my brown hair, my hazel eyes, my nose.
I got a card from my friendís church, which I visited last Sunday. It was a Baptist church and I am a devout Catholic. They wanted me to join them again, and I donít know if I will or not. I like listening to the sermons, but I donít feel any respect for their church. Thereís no tradition, nothing feels like it means anything and everything feels transient. I will not join them permanently. I will not get baptized into a religion I donít follow. I will stick with Catholicism until the day I die and beyond that.
When Iím nervous, I lose all sense of when people are joking and when they are not. I donít like that because it makes me appear ditzy and kind of stupid. I know first impressions are everything, but itís really the second impression that matters to me. You can really make more of a judgment then and try to pin the other person down. Itís a long time before you really know someone, though. That can take much longer than five years, or even a lifetime. Everybodyís got quirks that are interesting to take the time to figure out.
There is a childhood memory attached to that word. My brother and I used to have these plastic frogs that were hollow inside. We went outside and filled them with water from the garden hose, then threw them up in the air so that the water would rain out in big drops. We would yell ďjubilee!Ē when the water came down. I donít think we really knew the meaning of the word Ė we just liked the way it sounded and the way the water cascaded over us. It was nice to be a child, carefree and full of jubilee.
I doubt the world will end on December 21, 2012, mainly because so many people have already predicted it. I was watching this video on YouTube and it was about the end of the world being on that day. I left a comment that said nobody was to know the end of the world except God. Jesus doesnít even know. Some guy said that didnít make any sense. It does. God will tell Jesus on the Day of Judgment when to come down to earth again. Jesus will not know until God tells him. It makes perfect sense.
Just A Touch
I dreamed I was bleeding last night. I dream about that stuff more often. According to the dream interpretation website I go to, blood symbolizes ďlifeĒ. According to my fiction writing teacher, everything is a symbol for life. Everything is part of life. I think the dream I had was more about the time I cut myself shaving my legs, because in the dream I was sitting on the edge of the bathtub. Just one touch with the razor, the blunt razor, and I cut myself. I can go slowly and carefully, but still cut myself somehow.
Just Keep On Smiling
That reminds me of an Avril Lavigne song that I dedicate to Justin, who used to be one of my best friends in high school. I miss him a lot sometimes. We used to be so crazy together and just hang around during school and talk about the most random stuff possible. What I liked about that friendship was that nothing was being taken seriously and it was so lighthearted and carefree. I miss those high school days, when nothing was permanent and no one decision could really change your life. It was easier like that.
Justify My Love
Whatever thatís supposed to mean. All I know is that it makes no sense to me. I got a really random friend request on YouTube. The same person also friend-requested me on MySpace. I now have 13 friends! I am such a dork! In real life, I only have just one true friend right now. Thatís all I need. I do not need a posse. I donít even particularly need friends; just people I can talk to from time to time. I need a friend maybe once a week and thatís it. I like to be alone.
Itís a short Japanese anime film about hide and seek. I think I might want to see it if itís on YouTube. The Tube has been my best friend lately. I found a TV show on there that I have been wanting to see for quite some time. I found a bunch of stuff to feed my Third Reich obsession. Maybe Iíll see Kakurenbo later today, if it does not make me depressed, like most anime tends to do. I donít think Iíll ever be as into anime as I was about four or five years ago. Itís old.
It's what I saw before I almost passed out in the shower. I saw a blackness cover my eyes and then I saw these blue flowers blooming. In retrospect, I think it would have been a cool MySpace layout, but at the moment I was scared to death. I think the heat in the shower was affecting me, or maybe it was because I was really hungry and it was early in the morning. I put my head between my legs and all the dizziness went away. I should see a doctor, instead of ever seeing that kaleidoscope again.
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