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I hate Internet Explorer! Once you have Mozilla Firefox, you become kind of spoiled with it, so when you get back to IE, itís likeÖ shitÖ I had one of those ÖshitÖ moments today. Mozilla is so much more user friendly than relying on Microsoftís mostly lame products. One day Iím going to switch to either Mac (looking better and better every day) or Linux or Unix or something different. Iím not going to be like all those poor Microsoft people. I want OPTIONS! I donít want to have to add all this shit onto IE to get it working.
Iíve started looking ahead into the future. How bad can it be? All I want when I get out of college is to have a steady job thatís not far from my house. I plan on living with my parents until I acquire the money for an apartment, so that will be nice. I get along with my parents. I want to get a decent used car; my current one is an í87 Mercedes thatís falling apart as we speak. I want to eventually get married to THE RIGHT GUY and then have kids. Thatís not asking for too much.
I am afraid of Obama winning the presidency, but I am equally afraid of a McCain victory. What if he dies and Palin runs the country? I like the woman, but she is not cut out to be President at all. Sheís so green and so innocent compared to a lot of other politicians. She has charm, but how far is charm going to get her? I have a sinking feeling that she killed McCainís whole campaign, which will boost Obama into the White House. I just fear DemocratsÖ really, I do. Or maybe I just fear politics in general.
My inspiration is coming back. Iím starting to write again, and Iím already starting to hate my characters. Itís a good sign for me. The more I hate them, the more personality they tend to give my stories. I canít wait until I finish writing this series so I can put the stories in order and get going with that. Once that happens, I will be satisfied. My work will be cut out for me, because as Iím writing them (out of order), I am trying to keep them somewhat consistent. Itís working, which is a surprise. I hate consistency.
What do I have to do to be smart? Iím the kind of person who is quiet in discussions, letting everyone elseís ideas flow over and influence me. I rarely have opinions on anything. Does this mean I donít know enough about the topic or that Iím just stupid in general? I try to educate myself, but Iím not sure if Iíll ever be competent or knowledgeable enough to participate in discussion. I always feel like everyone elseís comments are more educated or make more sense than mine. Thatís why Iím a better listener than talker. I say everything wrong.
Midterms are giving me anxiety, especially in my poetry class. I thought poetry was something I was good at, but every time I write a paper, I get a B+ on it. I want an A, and when I try my hardest, I end up with B+. Itís so discouraging and it makes me wonderÖ if my teacher is this picky about papers, just imagine how picky heís going to be about the midterm, which is all essay questions! So Iím in an odd situation. Iím trying to study and smarten myself up, but it will run away from me.
Was it a mistake to move into college? I think it was in certain ways, but in other ways it was not. I feel that itís cut my self-esteem down a lot, but I feel that itís done wonders for my relationship. But what is more important? I donít feel that actually living on campus has done anything in making my grades go up, but it may be too early to tell. Maybe next year, Iíll live at home again and see how that goes, but it depends on gas prices. I donít want to be driving back and forth.
Iím anxious about the tests I have today. I just took one, and I think I missed at least three questions. I should still get a grade in the 90s, but if I donít, Iím going to be hurt. Itís my fault, I know, but I just havenít been feeling that great this week. I only feel good today because I can get those two tests over with and go home for fall break. Living at college has done wonders for my relationship, but for the rest of meÖ Iím not so sure. I hope I get used to it.
Iím busy today. My boyfriend wanted to come to the dentist with me; why, I cannot imagine, but who knows? Heís just going to be sitting there bored out of his mind while I have my appointment. He gets bored easily, so it wonít go over well with him. Heís determined to spend the whole day with me, which means I wonít get any kind of work done, and I want to be as good to him as possible. That means I will keep my ďI want my wayĒ arguments to a minimum. I will have all Friday to work.
I feel bad for him. He said he only came to North Carolina to go to college because the schools in Florida would not give him a full scholarship. I found that hard to believe; what about out-of-state tuition? Heís not happy here either. He canít find a girlfriend, heís not making any friends, and heís constantly bored. Nobody really likes him because heís always proclaiming them to be ďlameĒ. Heís not a Christian. That doesnít go over well in the Bible Belt. He doesnít fit in and it depresses me. I try so hard to be kind to him.
I wish I could just not care. I worry so much about my schoolwork and my dad said that I was being a perfectionist. Iím not. Iím just worried about not doing as well in real college as I did in community college. I want to keep my 4.0. If I donít, Iíll be very upset with myself. But my dad said perfectionism is a disease. Thatís great. Like I really need another disease to worry about. But Iím going to try and accept me for who I am, and try not to overwork myself or get stressed.
I was reading someoneís blog today and they feel exactly the same way I do about college. They feel depressed and lonely, too. So I guess not everyone has fun there. This person does not feel as sociable as they would like to be and they feel a lot better around people at home. So do I. I want to tell this person not to cry because others are going through the same thing. If we both are, there are bound to be others caught in this emotion. Shout-out to the lost and lonely Ė Iíve got your back!
I have a music video idea for it. The idea goes all the way back to December 17 2002, the end of the first semester of my freshman year in high school. Eventually, Iíll write the story for this. Itíll be pretty good because I have a lot of ideas for it. The more ideas I have for a story and the clearer I see the mental images in my head, the better the story will be. Itís hard to jam a plot into just 1300 words, but so far I have a few halfway decent short stories.
Iím trying to get ready to start studying. I hate how this one class is taking up all my time. I could drop the class in the week, but thereís no way Iím doing that when the semester is already half over. I think itís stupid how the drop/add thing works. Iím frustrated with my classes this semester. It feels like Iím stuck in the B+ zone when I long to get an A. Nothing I do is good enough with one of my teachers and he is driving me up a wall. I cannot wait until Thursday after 4:15!
Obama won the mock election in my school, which is no surprise, considering most college campuses are made up of liberals. Iíve only met two other people besides myself who are for McCain. Everyone else is for Obama or they just donít give a damn about the election. That, my friends, annoys me. You have to care. When the fate of the country is in your hands, you have to care. You have to be open-minded and you have to get out and vote! If you donít vote, you canít complain! I wish everyone would get that through their heads.
Donít Hold Back
I have to hold back. I have to keep my governors in place, because if I do not, they will fail. My entire scheme will turn to shit and I will have no way to uphold my pride. It is contingent on my very survival on Earth that I hold back. Itís the most important thing in my life at this momentÖ keeping all this emotion locked inside of me. If I unleashed it horrible things would happen and I would be held responsible. I cannot let it happen to me. I just canít see it happening.
I am feeling odd right now. He misses me so much and I donít really miss him. Heís so bored and Iím so busy. I feel that we are splitting in half and he feels that we are getting closer. Sure. We are getting closer in certain ways, but I feel that heís getting a lot closer to my best girl friend. Iím trying to not be jealous, but that freaks the hell out of me. Heís so bored he talks to her instead of me, like sheís the cigarette and Iím the real drug. Those were his exact words.
Donít Run Away
I had a dream where she was running away from me. I wonder what I did to her to make her so upset. I donít even know why sheís still in my dreamsÖ she lingersÖ like a bad dream, like a melancholy memory. I donít want her to run away, but I donít want to chain her to my side, either. Such a pretty bird deserves to go free. Maybe if I ďsplit the LarkĒ, Iíll ďfind the musicĒ. But I would never harm her. She was like a little birdÖ but she doesnít belong to me.
Donít Touch That
A few nights ago, I had this sense of empathy for a dead person. I think I have more in common with the dead than the living, as odd as that sounds. Emily Dickinson was telling me not to touch it. She came upon a good thing in her room, and when she left it alone, it soured, turning to something of evil. She warned me against touching it. I wish she was a saint. St. Emily. Then I would have picked her as my saint for confirmation, no offense to St. Agnes, who is wonderful, too.
Thatís Australia. I wouldnít mind going there and I was actually thinking of studying abroad in the summer, just to bolster my horrible resume. Itís fun to travel because I can leave my boring town for a little while. The best part is coming back from traveling. You get to see everything and everyone you havenít seen while you were gone. Thatís why I like getting picked up from school on Fridays. Itís a little bit of that same feeling; that I was gone on a trip and now I have returnedÖ with many interesting experiences to recount.
My subconscious is recycling dreams. I keep having the same dream over and over again. It used to be the water slide, but now itís me running down stairs, downhill. The soap dream and the Libidozone dream have both returned in last nightís episode. Thatís okay, it wasnít terrible. But every time the air conditioning turned on last night, I woke up and I kept going back into the dream. The guy I was with was much older than me, but I felt that he could protect me, so I stuck by him. I wouldnít mind repeating that one.
It frustrates me. Sky was getting on my nerves. Heís like ďI donít drinkĒ, when just the other day he was telling me about how he got drunk during fall break. And he kept saying ďIím not drinking again until Iím 21.Ē RiiiightÖ You are so smart. He thinks heís such a bad ass because he was on the wrestling team in high school and got to do whatever he wanted. He also dated the stupidest girl this side of L.E., from the way he described her. It would take a stupid girl to date him. I never would.
That was the song for Election Day 2004, in which Kerry got Bush-whacked. I thought that up and Clark thought it was cute. And literal driving is fun, too, when you are not behind some slow-as-mud scooter. I understand the rationale behind getting scooters and motorcycles (great gas mileage) but I still think they are unsafe, and I would be scared to be on one. But when I was a kid, I used to have this fantasy about getting to ride a motorcycle with some hot tough guy, just like in good old Road Rash. What an awesome game!
I donít really want to write about that. I wanted to write about the dreams Iíve been having. Theyíre getting clearer and I remember them better, which usually means Iím getting a better quality of sleep, despite idiots screaming outside the dorm at three in the morning. I remember my dream of last night very clearly and it did involve drowning in a certain sense, but it was also extremely realistic, enough to where I was scared when I woke up. Usually, I know itís a dream. Iíve been afraid of rape lately, after hearing all these horror stories.
Thatís something Iíd rather not think about. It reminds me of
, which I have been thinking about. I saw it last year and was completely disgusted. I may have written about this before, but I canít seem to get it out of my head. I wrote about
on the Spanish test, when we were supposed to describe a movie. Itís hard to do when you have a limited vocabulary in the language. The only word I knew that related well enough was ďsangreĒ (blood). I said I was afraid of Jigsaw. (Tengo miedo de Jigsaw.)
I love my earth. I hate how itís polluted and humans have ruined it with so-called advanced technology. All of that crap will be the death of us. Lately, I have been wishing I lived a few years in the past. I wish I was born in 1900 or something, so I could have lived and died before the year 2000, when all this crap really seemed to get going. I love computers, I love the Internet, and I love technology, but it causes so much frustration and damage to the earth. I donít know if itís worth it.
Eat or Shut Up
That is exactly what I said to the guys I was eating dinner with a few weeks back. Theyíre sitting there arguing about the stupidest things, trying to one-up each other and we had been sitting at the table for two hours. My roommate and I were just getting ready to leave without them. I was halfway interested in the debate (which was about religion, no less), so I was listening. Three atheists and two Christians donít mix well in conversation. I was just wishing they would shut up and eat already so we could leave.
Eating Pizza Without Shirts
I hate having my shirt off more than anything on earth. So thereís no chance in hell Iíd be eating pizza with my shirt off. I know a bunch of people (mainly guys) who would be that tacky. It brings to mind some fat redneck idiot sitting watching Nasty-car and eating pizza. But one day, if I was married, perhaps I would sit around and eat pizza without a shirtÖ if I was home alone. Nudity makes me anxious, and according to one of those stupid online quizzes, I am a very innocent and naÔve person.
I know a lot of people who have that problem: with either too much ego, or too little. Some give themselves too much credit, and others too little. I had more ideas for my story that Iím going to write very soon now. One of my main characters has a DEEP DARK SECRET and it is going to impair his entire outlook on everything that happens. I call him The Puppetmaster. (I still want to see that movie by the way.) I really hope this story works out and that I am able to complete it in November.
I was just thinking of that word. My friend emailed me and he is a notoriously bad speller. The subject line of his email said, ďI feel so embracedĒ. So I was like, ďmeh?Ē So I opened the email, read it, and realized that he meant to say ďembarrassed.Ē I donít see how those two words could be confused in spelling. They are spelled somewhat similar, but the meanings are completely different. I wrote him back telling him he amused me. I love being amused over other people not knowing how to spell. Iím a real bitch that way.
Iím garu garu. And I canít concentrate because itís Friday, so those two things are interfering with everything else. Iím glad I only have two classes today and they are my easiest, so I should be able to survive until 12:10, when they are both over and I can go home at 2. Not being able to concentrate is awful. My roommate has the TV on with some stupid doctor show. I canít stand half the shows she watches because they donít make sense to me and I just donít like TV. But I still get sucked into watching.
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