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A Mystical Leaf of Sufi Afro Zen
What did my choice boil down to as to what today's subject would be on?
It boiled down to focus and concentration as I thought of Yantra's and their purpose and how I recall that Yantra's were to act as a form of focus for meditation.
I wondered if there was a Yantra for love and sure enough there was.
It was at this point that I stated that when it comes to your subject of focus then it should be thought of in all ways, from symbols, to sounds, to vibrations, actions, words, down to multiple orgasms and masturbation's.
My upcoming Singapore trip feels more like going through the fire than a vacation.
There’s something that I can tell you that is far more exciting than just staring at a woman instead of just fucking her right there on the spot.
Fucking her on the spot would be exciting but since I know that it is not going to happen let's talk about the skills of observation and how your observational skills can turn into dream induced skills.
Today there will be an eclipse in South America today, the Jaguar totem, hail stones in Guadalajara, the cartel, what's next?
This morning while walking on the Tower dock I saw this truck parked and what appeared to be Death in the passenger seat.
Initially I thought that it was an actual person sitting in it but upon closer examination I realized that it was just a mask.
The next thought that came to my mind was on something that I had once saw on some documentary regarding a supposed saint that was worshipped by the name of Santa Muerte.
It was a brief reminder on how death is imminent for all of us.
We never know when death will come.
When I had thought to myself about being more aloof from women and focusing more on me, I decided to see if I could find any articles on that.
The first one I came across stated that being aloof to women shows insecurities and when I found out that the author was a woman I knew that I was better off following my own instincts.
If I think I should talk to women, I'll talk to them, if I think she is a stuck up bitch then I will leave her to her own world and to her own devices.
I have started to watch The Umbrella Academy. It has a touch of X Men content to it, except the powers do not quite match up.
One point that I liked in the movie is when Vanya Hargreeves had commented on another violinist who she felt was much better than her.
The violinist told Vanya that she either put in her ten thousand hours towards mastery or find something else that she was passionate about.
When that was mentioned, I asked myself what I was passionate about and was I willing to put in ten thousand hours towards mastering it.
The thought that, in just nine more days will be my birthday and then I will have to face my divorce keeps popping up inside of my mind.
Why did my divorce have to be so close to my birthday?
I continued to watch more of The Umbrella Academy and knew that Vanya had to have had some kind of powers besides playing the violin, or else she would not have been part of the academy.
It turns out that she may have been one of the most powerful members of the academy out of the rest of the members.
I received a call from my ex, a bit before six this morning.
I decided not to pick up the phone and figured that she would simply leave a message but she didn't.
Me being as curious as I am wanted to know what was up with her calling. There was never no telling what she would be talking about this time around.
Out of the blue she asked if kakak was pregnant.
She better not be I replied, and then asked her why she thought that and she said that it was based on some dream that she had.
It seems that the reason why I cannot watch any Netflix movies is because of non payment.
As I looked at my bank statement I realized that I had went into overdraft and I have never seen my account as low as I have seen it now in ages.
It was really becoming clear that I was going to have to make some serious financial changes which included either getting another job, robbing a bank, or simply cutting out a lot of things in my life, even if that means getting a cheap ass phone for just phone calls only.
As military aircraft flew above me I had wondered how they are able to fly so fast without crashing into other planes flying in the sky.
I learned a little bit about air space and how it tends to divide the sky up just as our land mass is divided up on maps by what I call imaginary borders.
It seems everything is based on dividing things.
It would be good to try to see things in the light of things being connected and in things being united based on the fact that all things come from one single source.
I stated to myself that if I was in a position to where I did not have anything to write about, I could make up a short story instead and still make my desired one thousand word daily content or more.
As I walked down 16th Street amidst all of the noise I had remembered the movie Contact where the camera fades away from the Earth and out into outer space.
I imagined the same thing, except instead of fading out into outer space, I was fading into the silence, away from the fake faces, ruined buildings, and polluted cars.
I listened to a video where the speaker was saying that pornography was not bad for you and that all of the hype of going celibate is something that is being inspired by the so called Elite.
In all truth and honesty I had to disagree with him despite him stating that there wasn't any clear cut studies on it as being bad.
I can tell you that it is a huge waste of your time, and that your time viewing porn could have been the time that you could have been learning a new language or a new skillset.
There is a lot of good in working hard.
In the end you tend to feel good afterwards seeing all of the accomplishments that you accomplished.
Sometimes hard work involves doing work that you are not really fond about, but it always pays off in the end.
Darth Vader is hard. I used to see Darth Vader as a bad guy but after reflecting on how he commanded his respect plus demonstrated his powers to show that his respect was well deserved, despite the threats he made, he got what he wanted and he definitely showed who had the balls.
I just want to lay down here in bed and just die I say.
I want to die to my fake ego, my so called desires, my wants, and my dreams.
You might ask, why would anyone kill their own dreams?
The real question that should be asked is why do you kill your passions and your desires to begin with?
Is it because you will suddenly reach enlightenment or self realization after killing them?
What does it mean to kill your desires, passions, and dreams anyhow and how would you know that they were dead.
Give yourself a test.
A large part of the different aspects of my day to day life largely revolved around mother nature as it thundered, rained, major lightning bolts, heavy winds, warm weather, grey clouds, and then the nature that was around all of that contributed to how I felt this subtle change in me where it largely dealt with awareness.
I listened to the birds, observed circular rounded rocks amidst cigarette buds that begged for separation.
It came from looking at the trees, looking up at the sky, looking at the expressions on people's faces, and the mystical cosmos all wrapped into that.
After working twelve hours, I bought some cod fish, and woke up around noon time.
I took a nice bath with some herbs and music. I don't know why in those few moments of time I really felt like a big boss, more bossier than the godfather.
I clipped my overgrown toe nails which made me feel like I was some kind of lizard type creature that was in need of some real taming and tender loving care.
At the end of the day, the true and real live party was the one that I had with myself.
Nosce te ipsum.
Is getting older frowned upon all around the world?
I already know that the answer is no, but I cannot help but to think on how the mentality in the west is that as you get older you should be thinking of retiring.
We're retiring from what?
Retiring from being a slave on the plantation.
What if instead of the promotion for retirement there was the promotion for people to be more wiser, more intelligent, more truthful, more open minded, and more in tuned instead?
The only real retirement from this world is death itself.
One more day before I fly to Southeast Asia.
My flight leaves at 06:00.
If I plan to go to the airport by train I will need to leave past midnight since the last train stops running at 01:00
A large part of me does not want to go because I know what I'm facing.
While most would think that I am going on a vacation, I don't see travelling miles away to get an unwanted divorce as a vacation at all.
With that being said I will still try to make the best of my journey despite the divorce.
It felt really nice to be in California again, which made me think of actually returning again on a permanent basis.
The San Francisco International Airport had a nice 50's collection display on how their appliances, toys, dishes, and electronics looked then.
I compared that to today and see how advanced we had become.
Layover will be four hours long of which I spent a large portion of it sleeping.
Once I was on flight 29 I knew that I would have access to movies and special halal meal orders.
The flight is estimated to be around 16 hours long.
Time jumps forward as I enter Singapore; 15 hours ahead of Pacific Time.
Throughout all my travels to Singapore I was always greeted by my wife and sometimes her extended family.
This time I was greeted by the blank stares of strangers.
Looks like I'm all on my own.
I guess this is a reminder that our divorce will be indeed finalized.
I've never felt so dejected in my life.
I guess it's true that in the end of life you realize that you have no one but Allah.
I have the difficult task of learning to live with that.
I didn't go anywhere today besides going out for food towards the evening.
Looks like I will be eating one meal per day out here if I want to save money' so basically I am doing intermittent fasting.
I spent the morning organizing all the wire transfers I sent to my wife, including the ones that paid off her bankruptcy.
I can't believe I've been sending money since 2007.
I find it odd to say wife when I know our divorce is imminent.
It will feel odd saying my second ex wife too.
Marriage doesn't always end happily ever after.
Time flew by again today because by the time I woke up it was already evening time. Perhaps it is jet lag.
I was disappointed to find the halal food stalls that I frequented here last time I visited were no longer open.
I got lost on my way to the Novena MRT station and had to ask some locals how to get there.
I had to walk through Tan Tock Seng Hospital which reminded me of the place where I had my MRI done years ago.
Once I found the Novena Station I bought my EZ Link transportation card.
I read this Sufi quote today which helped me to cope with the imminent divorce court proceedings I will be facing tomorrow.
'What comes, will go. What is found, will be lost again. But what you are is beyond coming and going and beyond description.'
After reading the quote I had thought about how life is like a river in the sense that it constantly moves and is never stagnate.
I knew I could not hold on to a hope if the person I had spent sixteen years of my life with did not have those same hopes as mine.
Once the Qadi tapped his gavel on the sound block and said, 'peace be upon you and walked away, it signaled that my divorce was finalized.
It wasn't a time of celebration as raindrops fell from the Southeast Asian skies which I had symbolized and equated to the tears of Allah.
Divorce is the worst halal.
Later I had asked myself on rather or not a piece of paper really determines on rather or not you are married or divorced.
In my opinion it was more a matter of the heart.
Nevertheless, life does continue on with or without us.
As I walked down Balestier Road in the drizzled rain I told myself to smile. I think part of it dealt with some of the angry faces I was seeing, including perhaps my own.
Smile because it is Sunnah I said.
When I said smile I did not mean it had to be an outer smile, but an inner smile was ok, kind of like one of these inner serene meditative Buddhist type smiles.
After I left Mustafa Centre I went to get some mutton murtabak which was a bit too salty for me. I think it was the curry.
It was some time around 06:00 and I had happened to see what I was sure was a woman's head looking directly into my hotel room from the partly open curtains.
I began to question on rather or not I was seeing things.
Was it Pontianak?
Was she sitting in a hot tub?
I was disappointed to learn that Kentucky Fried Chicken did not serve breakfast at this location.
I had plans on getting some rice porridge, but it did not look like it would be happening today.
I settled for some chicken biryani which made up for the porridge.
I walked to Little India this morning and purchased the 40 Rabbana, the Angel book by the author I spoke about regarding the Jinn.
I saw this huge book called Riyadus Saliheen. I wrote the words down because I intended to look up the meaning later.
I had to walk back to the hotel because I decided to buy some egg prate on the way back.
The egg prata had the most delicious dalcha.
I told her I wanted three egg prata but she only gave me two.
I wasn't too happy about that at all once I discovered it.
I woke up past midnight to do my Isha prayers. Just as I was about to start my prayers, I could hear some Chinese lady getting fucked.
I knew that she was Chinese because at intervals between screaming out loud she was saying hao ge.
I know hao is good. I think she was saying to whoever was fucking her that he was doing a good job at it.
I think she may have been over dramatizing her experience to make the person fucking her inflate their ego.
I strived to meditate on that which was mind and the mystical.
I walked all the way to the Novena Post Office.
I didn't sleep well last night and currently feel like I'm going to die.
I don't know if it's because I had too much coffee, the dalcha and egg prata, stress, or what.
A part of me feels like I'm going to have a heart attack.
At first I had thoughts on what if I died today and told myself that now would not be a good time; but later convinced myself that dying here would be a perfect place to die because I could have a proper Sufi burial.
During my long layover I listened to Sound Garden to tune into stations all around the world, including right here in Northern California.
Gate 75 Flight 756 boarding at 04:25 seat 37D
So far on all my flights in the friendly skies I notice the pop of inner enlightenment that occurs in my ears.
I can't explain the feeling.
I learned the meaning of Riyadus Saliheen. It means Meadows of the Righteous.
Once my plane lands, I grab my luggage, catch a train, rent a car, stop at the supermarket, and upon reaching home say home sweet and sour home.
How do you go about finding your calling I asked myself.
The answer to that question was to do the things that you say you love and see how you feel about it afterwards.
Try to make it a continual process so that you can really find out if it's a passion or not.
Remember to always turn your negatives into positives.
My positive was to not see the headlights of cars as something that was annoying but to see the headlights as light magnifying the light that is already inside of me and coming from my deeper inner light.
I killed a German cockroach later on in the day. It was the same one that I had saw during the early morning hours before sunrise that had eluded me when I had backed up slowly to grab a crumpled up paper towel; my murder weapon to kill this disgraceful insect.
I did try to search where this roach had went but was unable to locate it until later on during the day on the same counter.
I smashed it right under the sink where it was hiding.
I had no remorse for killing it and its disease spreading ass.
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