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04/01 Direct Link
She turned thirteen today and I still see and remember her as the little two year old that I knew so well and now I can only probably guess.

Spouse: Our room should always be clean so that if someone had to come over we would not have to clean it up at the last minute.

She was right and I have wanted to Zenify this room for the longest of time. It seems that every time I make order chaos is soon to follow and not too far behind.

The maintenance guy has fixed our leaking bath tub today.
04/02 Direct Link
What I was seeking most was unconditional love.

I had a choice to go to the left or to go to the right. Going to the left would have me spiraling downwards while turning to the right would have me spiraling upwards.

The beauty of taking the right course is that I didn’t have to do anything at all. All I had to do was simply restrain myself.

Right Thought, Right Action and Right Effort all came up in my mind. I pulled myself out of another trap by simply hanging the phone up and walking out of that place.
04/03 Direct Link
“Look in my eyes, you know me!’’

I wondered how well that would work if I walked up to somebody and said that.

As human beings we play the roles of so many characters. Just take a look at the people you work with and the people that you know and don’t know and ask yourself, what role are they playing in life and how real is the role.

What role am I playing and what kind of images do I portray?

How about the character of a person who is characterless, bland, and dry yet fertile beneath the surface.
04/04 Direct Link
So far I haven’t done much script writing. As a matter of fact I have not written anything at all. I still do not know what my plot will be or what to really write about.

I am thinking about doing a 24 hour layout of my normal day to day routine and then put it in script form except that I might exaggerate on some parts.

Maybe I should add some of my goals and dreams that I really want to accomplish in real life as my obstacle and base the script off of me trying to attain them.
04/05 Direct Link
They make life like it’s a game of Jeopardy or Who Wants to be a Millionaire.

Is that your final answer Chuck?

Chuckle, chuckle, ha, ha, hee, hee, and the audience just laughs away, just because some guy holding up cue cards flashed it to the audience which read “LAUGH.”

How do you fake laugh when something is not even funny?

How do you believe without asking yourself questions and being truthful when you know that you just don't know?

I think the true path to knowledge is being humble enough to say that you don’t know to really know.
04/06 Direct Link
Why do we try so hard and succeed easily at avoiding the present moment in which we live in?

Perhaps when we learn how to be fully present then we can really start enjoying life.

One question I asked myself today was who was Osiris? The question came up in my mind as I came across the Osirian Myth by Dr. Naim Akbar and listened to three parts of the lecture.

It was interesting how he tied the story of Osiris into the history of slavery of being locked in a casket versus being locked up in a slave ship.
04/07 Direct Link
A part of me feels like listening to music, another part feels like fucking, and another part just wants to be here, now, stoned on Zen proverbs and ancient roots.

After my two days are over, I’m beckoned to go back to the job again and I do not feel like going.

I just want to sit under these blankets like I am doing now and just write. I wondered what my job would be like if I were a full time writer. How many words would I type in one day and how much freedom would I really have?
04/08 Direct Link
I wondered how she would like to get slapped upside the head or yelled at by a person who didn’t know how to control their anger.

I surfed the net on how to beat the crap out of your wife. Some sites tried to be funny, I was being serious.

I used to wonder when I was young, why men resorted to beating the crap out of their wives and their girlfriends.

When I finally got married I understood the reason why, it was mainly because of their big mouths and not knowing when to just shut the fuck up.
04/09 Direct Link
I’ve wondered why some people have shunned marriage at times and have said I’ll never get married. I think part of the reason is probably from stories that they have heard and things that they have seen in the movies. At the root of it all, I think people who say they do not want to get married are people who do not want to face the responsibilities that come with marriage.

I must admit as a person who has been married two times, if I had never married, I would not be the same person that I am today.
04/10 Direct Link
This day has brought me joy to see our love rekindled again and to have learned several lessons.

Life is full of lessons, so you don’t have to go to school to learn the things that really need to be learned.

When people say that life is a struggle, oftentimes struggle is seen in a negative light. No one talks too much about what becomes of a person who struggles, and a person who overcomes difficulties.

I am just happy that we have settled our differences and that I have really looked at myself in the mirror without pointing fingers.
04/11 Direct Link
I’m finally experiencing the peace and the silence that comes with joy. Now I sit at this black table and this must be the end, an end that begins with a transformation of wisdom and growth like an ancient tree rooted deep in knowledge, wisdom, and the light of truth which is so near.

The light of truth means that enlightenment is near and self realization without music, pharmaceutical drugs, and twitter bugs made out of a synthetic plastic made from transparent molecules in the heliosphere’s systematic design.

There is a system of the Universe that spins like a wheel.
04/12 Direct Link
I wondered how many spooks sat at my door, and if the spooks even knew who was who.

Keep your eyes open, enter the world of intelligence, that doesn’t use satellites, bugging devices, hidden cameras, and micro chipped wires, because in this world of intelligence it’s all about the mind.

God chuckled and said everything that you’ve desired is right here in me. If you would just turn yourself a single degree towards me you’ll be rewarded.

How Merciful the Lord was, while the busy body people danced, partied, failing to build intellect, or raise one insect from the dead.
04/13 Direct Link
We have to constantly wrestle with the concepts of time because the way that we were taught it is so ingrained that it difficult to just forget the lies that we have been told that we took to be so true and absolute.

I’m sure that most ancient cultures were able to reason that now was time.

I recall some things that I said when I was young and wondered when I would be able to do them, like driving a car. I never thought I would see that day and now it is so easy for me to do.
04/14 Direct Link
I fell asleep while browsing Kama Sutra's exquisite drawings along with poems from Rumi.

The power of words can be reflected in our prayers. Saying our prayers are probably better to recite than the latest song. If we were not doing prayer, we could at least hold every one of our words to account and find ourselves living those words to the letter.

On another level, we hold our thoughts to the same level, holding only the loftiest of thoughts into view.

Whatever happens in your life, always be aware of the fact that you are breathing and still alive.
04/15 Direct Link
In getting back to the power of words I wanted to touch briefly on thought and how we’re not always aware of thought, because our minds are so easily distracted that we tend to forget what we are thinking and that we’re breathing.

If we can observe our thoughts from moment to moment we just might be able to catch ourselves and see how we’re lead to certain actions.

We have to remember that thought is the motivator to action or not taking action.

Get to the root of your thoughts and try to find out where they come from.
04/16 Direct Link
I was somewhat dazed after reading to my son, realizing that I recall no memories of my dad actually reading to me when I was just a little boy.

How come we can't remember shit when we were very young?

I do not think that this is entirely necessarily true. I think we can reconnect with those memories by going down the well lit guided paths within ourselves to reconnect with those memories.

Think about all the things you wished your father had done for you, and then do them for your children while teaching a regeneration of true fatherhood.
04/17 Direct Link
On page 55 of Buddhism Is Not What You Think it says "We can learn to come back to this moment. We can start to recognize our dualistic thinking as it takes place within our mind. We can learn to see our grasping and judging. We can see how we reach for what we deem sacred and how we spurn what we imagine to be profane."

I think overall that we’re doing and reacting to things in a way that is based off of our thinking and not off of the truth.

Our open enemy will never teach us truth.
04/18 Direct Link
The past is the present. The present is the result of the past, and the future will be a result of what I plan in the present, so they all tie in together. You can't say that one is better than the other.

I must admit that since I have read this book I have realized and understand now that what I thought I understood is actually misunderstood.

The manner in which we are being educated today is hard to call it education if it is not teaching us the truth and uncovering falsehood.

The truth does set you free.
04/19 Direct Link
In Each Moment Is the Universe I read that "At the bottom of suffering is time. Our ordinary minds cannot catch the quick changes of time, so we feel a gap between ourselves and time. Then we believe that our individual existence is something that is completely separate from everything else in the universe. But this is a misunderstanding, which is called ignorance. Ignorance is a misunderstanding because in terms of reality there is not separation; everything is interconnected. Yet, because of ignorance, we experience ourselves as separate, and we feel dissatisfied."

I ask myself it this is really true.
04/20 Direct Link
The main reason why I didn’t want to participate in this event was mainly because I don’t like big crowds, especially when my mind is travelling to other dimensions. How could I have forgotten that?

It turns out that there was a shooting at this event. Suddenly my mind recalls seeing the military helicopter from earlier and this big push for gun legislation which is designed to take away our constitutional rights and our freedoms.

I wonder if the shooting was just another plot or if it was a genuine shooting that was based on someone else’s differences or disagreements.
04/21 Direct Link
I often wonder what direction I am going in life, but dwelling on this thought deals with the future. All that really matters is what is going on in the present moment.

When they say that the Government has plans, those are mostly propaganda tactics and techniques. The media is their number one weapon.

No, there is something else going on, and they are not telling us, or talking about it. Doesn't that make you wonder why?

Now I wonder if I can go an entire day without hearing her yell or hear her nag. It is driving me nuts.
04/22 Direct Link
This morning I tried to get a different Adventure Time for my son because it had the same episodes of a DVD video that he already had and this bitch told me some shit about copyright laws and that she could only exchange the video for the same exact one.

“What's the point of doing that?” I asked her.

I know that it wasn’t her fault and she was only doing what they told her to do.

I guess this is true for many of us, just doing as we are told, like slaves to ignorance with no questions asked.
04/23 Direct Link
Because of my ex wife I would really want to just leave Colorado. Before, I only wanted to come out here because of her, so the question that I have to ask now is why in the hell am I still here?

Is it because I want to finish school? If that is the case then I really need to start making some real serious decisions or just get the hell out of here.

I have moved so many times throughout my life that I have learned to hate anything that has to do with moving and its constant changes.
04/24 Direct Link
While doing a perimeter at the job and passing by one of the outlet bars I heard a song that sounded very familiar to me which I cannot remember now. I noticed how I wanted to hold on to that song and carry it with me until I realized what I was doing.

Non attachment truly is the key. When non attachment is spoken of it is not just talking about material desires and wants and our sensual pleasures.

Non attachment also means non attachment to spirituality, our thoughts, and all of our ideas and subtle things beneath the layers.
04/25 Direct Link
I don’t know if you could call it paranoia or not if a person thinks that while they’re in the process of masturbation or while engaging in sex that there is some hidden camera somewhere and that they are being watched.

I guess you could say that maybe this thought could be largely due to what is seen in adult and explicit videos.

On another hand, to think that you might be watched may have some truth to it if you count the eyes of God, angels, and other unknown forces that we may or may not be aware of.
04/26 Direct Link
“You missed your Maghrib prayers didn't you,” she said. Deep down inside I wondered what did she care on rather or not if I made my prayers in time or not. She just sounded so negative and I just had to slam the door with her on the other side of the door.

I mean she sounded like my mom. Did she attempt to wake me from my sleep? I can’t recall, but I can recall times that I invited her to prayer and her only response was later. I didn’t get mad at her when she postponed her prayers.
04/27 Direct Link
What am I supposed to do in this situation, when I don't know what to do?

Simply be present.

I enjoyed the Georgia O'Keefe display at the art museum. I overheard one idiot who was trying to figure out why O'Keefe painted the things that she did. I really felt like telling him to just shut the fuck up and pick up a paint brush and some paints for himself and to paint.

In the end everything returned to emptiness and everything returned to Zen. I realized that even in our activities there is a certain emptiness to doing it.
04/28 Direct Link
Suddenly I understand what the transformation is.

Read page 196 of The Little Zen Companion where Ryokan says, "at night,
deep in the mountains,
I sit in meditation.
The affairs of men never reach here.
Everything is quiet
and empty;
all the incense has been swallowed up
by the endless night.
My robe has become
a garment of dew.
Unable to sleep
I walk out into the woods-
Suddenly,
above the highest peak,
the full moon appears."

Words cannot express the feeling that I got from this poem. One part of me feels as though I experienced the Ryokan moment.
04/29 Direct Link
When I go to work I should not say I am going to work to do this or to do that, but that I am going to work to do and practice Zen.

Not that I am going to the store for groceries, but that I am going to the store for Zen practice and in everything that you do say that it is for the sake and the practice of Zen.

When I say Zen I am talking about living in the present moment. This is what Zen is mainly about; it is about being here in the now.
04/30 Direct Link
Can you please shut the fuck up with your damn nagging?

We need a washing machine. I wish we had a dryer and we need this and we need that.

Just shut the fuck up please and deal with the circumstances that you find yourself in. Walking a few steps out of the door is not going to kill you.

I wonder if they have a book somewhere out there called how to shut up your nagging wife.

I picked up Big Words again. I think this is an excellent book for writers who are trying to expand their vocabulary.