05/01 Direct Link
A bulge has formed,
stomach expanded,
light fills the room
from the small window
in the background.

Itís the miracle of life
that amazes me
and that only 6 months
remain out of 9.

We are thousands of miles away again
and unable to see each other again.

It might be years before we get this opportunity again.

I am hopeful that things will work out
and hope I donít wind up supporting two wives.

Iím bothered that I will not be able to rub her stomach,
to feel the baby move
or even witness the birth.

To say adhan.
05/02 Direct Link
It is Fridayís that are supposed to be holy for Muslims
and for Christians it is supposed to be Sundays.

The more I thought about it, the more I asked myself why every day canít be a holy day.

Why only certain days?

The reason being of course is that we are selfish people and we have our own agendas that are even sometimes more important than the one who created us from the very beginning.

and devotees
take these matters into their own hands
and declare every moment holy,
and every thought
towards the Supreme Being.
05/03 Direct Link
Tea green candle burning,
incense smoking,
while listening
to Brazillian jazz music
and I am soaking
my body in the bathtub.

Taking hot baths are like my other methods of deep meditation.

I focus more on my body
and how it feels,
my emotions
and feelings
and what is this thing
floating in between my legs.

The thought of castration comes to mind and I just donít see nor could I imagine how another person could castrate a another human being, yet it has happened.

l consider myself fortunate.

I continue to reflect on my emptiness and my pure loneliness.
05/04 Direct Link
I am walking to work again down this street asking myself the question why am I going to work, though I donít feel like it.

I am going to work for the same reason that everyone else goes to work.

I go for a paycheck that will pay my bills or the ones I can afford, the monthly rent, food, electricity, phone, and all the things that are not important in life.

I go because a group of men agreed that paper would have value and meaning and if I donít follow the ideal Iíll get shot or die denying.
05/05 Direct Link
Any foreign language can be learned and it can be made easy to learn. The first thing to learn is the alphabet of the language if it has one and proper pronunciation. I know Japanese and Chinese does not have an alphabet.

The next thing is learning simple words and basic phrases, then comes learning sentences which involves knowing some basic grammar rules.

Learning proverbs and poetry is an additional plus and then lastly out of all is learning the slang words. No one wants to look stupid when someone is laughing at you in your face speaking another language.
05/06 Direct Link
I am ready forÖ
The End


the end of the road
and the end of this world

I am prepared to meet my Maker
my doom
my death
my 1,001 pleas
for the life I no longer own
fear of losing.

I release my all
to the winds
grains of sands
like shining galaxies
all over

fast forward
coo doves fluttering
with butterflies
in space
and withered away
like a hopeful dream
with broken wings
hopping away

peace still
by the still waters
where reflections mean
the deep unseen
and shattered me
05/07 Direct Link
There will never be a perfect time for doing things. You either do it now or not at all. Planning has no concern with time which is the now, because planning involves some anticipated future that has not yet arrived nor happened.

I went to college campus today to try to see what I could do to complete my little associate degree. While there I ask myself what is the highest degree and why do people stop once they have reached the so called highest degree as though there is nothing else to learn.

The plateau of anything is death.
05/08 Direct Link
Get intimate with numbers,
their vibes,
their roles
and everything
associated with a number.

Things associated with numbers can be seen in all aspects of creation.

An ant has 6 legs,
and a spider has eight,
our DNA contains 64 possible codons.

These simple facts prove that there must be something about numbers or some type of intelligence behind them.

Why the mystery and awe regarding numbers since prehistoric times?

Itís not that the symbol of the number that is mysterious,
but the properties it may consist of,
its vibration
and then comes
and the
vibratory spheres.
05/09 Direct Link
Fasting is like an interior Kung Fu experience.

Perhaps itís true that many ailments regarding the health can be solved and healed naturally through fasting.

Like the odd feeling that you have been feeling in your right testicle and how sometimes you have felt that your right leg feels like it has fallen asleep.

Fasting has been known to clear my thoughts and my mind putting me on another level of being.

The one thing fasting cannot cure are my financial woes and all the bills that I had to pay today.

Maybe it can give me a clear conscious.
05/10 Direct Link
Today I shopped for food that I hope will last me until my next paycheck. The plan I have in mind is to make salmon sandwiches, dhal and maybe nachos and quesadillas.

Emergency back up foods will be frozen French fries, and what is French about them.

I would really like to make some eggplant parmesan but I donít think I will have the complete funds needed to do that.

I feel fortunate that I even have some funds to buy food and that the food is available, as people around the world starve in poverty and have no food.
05/11 Direct Link
Iím not going to cram my head with all the 14 verb conjugation possibilities. For now I will just stick with the present, imperfect, preterite, conditional and the future.

Itís about time that I advance myself more language wise in EspaŮol.

I need to oil the rust of all that I have forgotten once again. The other romance languages will come much easier on my list to learn as well.

Go celibate?

It has been my question that I have been asking myself in absence of my mate and in wondering about the benefits of going celibate.

More sexual energy?
05/12 Direct Link
The title on the front cover of Yoga Journal magazine ďPractice Happiness as a Means to Lasting Peace,Ē caught my eye so I bought it. They talked about the four noble truths and the three different types of happiness, of which I was already familiar with.

The one aspect that was different about one of the happiness was being aware of the facts that were happy.

Itís easy to be aware of our depressions and sad moments because we are so down, but when were happy its like a fleeting moment.

Energy that quickly dissipates and here we are again.
05/13 Direct Link
Sheís becoming hard headed I say, and thatís mainly because she doesnít listen to what I say.

Should not all children listen to their parents when it is in good conscious?

Please stop acting so silly.

ďIím not acting silly dat.
Iím not acting silly papa,Ē she was saying. Calling me by my first name and telling me that she is not going to sit down after being told.

The remedy to the problem was simple.

No doughnut for you. I warned you and the answer is no.

I was surprised how a child could break down over a doughnut.
05/14 Direct Link
For the last few days I have been keeping track of my time spent in mechanical time and realize that a large majority of it is spent on catching the bus.

After work catch the bus to my ex wifeís place to pick up my daughter.
From here go back downtown to catch the train and drop her off at school.
From here take the train to another bus and finally reach home to rest if possible.
Get back on the bus and train to pick up daughter from school and back home again,
then to ex wife and work.
05/15 Direct Link
Itís my day off
and evening
and she requests some apples and hot cocoa.

I figured it would be a good time to get some fresh air so we went to the health food store with options of cocoa from Puerto Rico or Peru.

On the way back home she starts whining about holding the cocoa instilling the desire in me to just slap it out of her hands and call it a day.

Once we get home she asks if she can drink it and I ask her to wait.

She spills it all over the place.

No patienceÖ
05/16 Direct Link
I was supposed to stay up the entire night until this morning but fell asleep while watching CNN.

My days off were spent mostly cleaning the apartment,
which to me is the same as work,
except Iím not getting paid.
Maybe I should be a part time janitor
with all the work Iím doing.

Washing clothes,
washing dishes,
folding clothes,
baby sitting,
scrubbing sinks,
and picking small items off the carpet like nuts and berries,
because I still canít afford a vacuum cleaner.

Calgon take me away.

That commercial rings clear in my mind.

Where is my helpmeet?
05/17 Direct Link
Where does the inclination or thought come from to persuade us to do evil or anything at all?

Is there some little guy in our head that says, do this or do that?

If we study the thought process which means studying our minds, we can come to realize that it sometimes comes from somewhere else.

Perhaps weíre picking up on someone elseís thought process
or the thought is triggered
by something we see,
like an ad on a billboard
or something someone is wearing.

The important thing is to strive to be aware of our thoughts moment to moment.
05/18 Direct Link
So this is why the water wasnít going down so well in the bathroom sink. I pulled the stopper out which was full of grayish brown grime. Who knows what it was, and the tenants who lived here before me. It was disgusting.

I got a wire hanger sticking it down the pipes and managed to pull out all kinds of hairs.

I hope none of it was pubic or from some dog named Pepe.

I wondered about the pipe system in my own body and wondered if it was clogged like this,
full of rotten food
and indigestible things.
05/19 Direct Link
Canít say that I am necessarily lactose intolerant, but I can say that too much of it causes mucous and can even be the cause to clogging the fifth chakra with phlegm.

Iím still trying to get to the root of the power promotion, ďmilk does a body good,Ē versus some ancient sayings that milk is a poison to the Original Black Man.

Itís a known fact that if you have a cough or cold that it is highly recommended to refrain from dairy product intake.

What about motherís milk?

Well, motherís milk is more practical versus from an animal.
05/20 Direct Link
This is all a dream, are you married?

This life we live while you are reading this is a dream, where the dream is symbolized by illusions that we have taken to be real.

Whereas when we dream, it is the real world because it is without concepts and man made or even universal laws.

There is no time and there are no limits besides the ones that you enforce on yourself.

Some of us know that this world is all a dream,
yet we go on about our daily lives
refraining from being
and letting things go.
05/21 Direct Link
This poverty
where I am
down to just
some change
to make my last purchases
of grains
until the next check
is saddening,
but not without
its sense of power
such as humbleness
and the realization of
what it means to survive.

In poverty exists a certain type of richness,
beyond the richness of a rich man
with tons of wealth.

The rich man is arrogant in his wealth and doesnít think heíll ever lose it.

The poor man is humble
in his poverty
and content
with the fact
that if he is never rich,
he at least has life.
05/22 Direct Link
Iíve had the neti pot for months now, but never used it or tried the method for nasal washing with a cup of water and about an ounce of sea salt.

I managed to do it on my first try despite my thoughts that it would be rather difficult.

Spout goes in the right nostril and spills through the left nostril and vice versa.

I do admit that dairy products are mucous forming and Iíve heard the controversy regarding milk.

Does it really do a body good?

Why the big promotion for milk?

Is there life without cereal and latte?
05/23 Direct Link
Before she crossed back over the Pacific Ocean
passed the islands of Hawaii
and into South East Asia
she made some nasi briyani ayam
for the first time.

Itís the one dish not found here in the United Snakes and must be prepared on your own.

She told me where the recipe book was, and a gathering of other recipes Iím eager to cook, that Iíve tasted in the past but never cooked it from home.

The more I think about it,
the more I regret
that I ever moved
back to the West.

I want to fly back soon.
05/24 Direct Link
When I was in high school I remember falling asleep in my pre algebra classes and nearly flunking my geometry class taught by some Chinese teacher.

Now looking back and realizing I know absolutely nothing about trigonometry or calculus, that is all about to change.

Today I purchased a book entitled Arithmetic Refresher mainly for the purpose of retesting for math placement once I reattend college to complete my degree dictated by so called scholarly men.

Iíve come to realize that there is more to math than meets the eye.

Iím also aware that higher levels exist unknown to mankind.
05/25 Direct Link
What if I didnít have any desires?

What state of mind would I be in?

Would I be a free man at last?

Evidence points to the fact that many of us are slaves to our desires.

So I wonder how I would be if I had no desires for money
despite my many bills,
no desire to complete
my 100 word entries,
no desire for women
and companionship,
no desire for self mastery,
self realization,
or inner enlightenment,
no desire to know
my true history,
no desire to be
in the presence of
the Supreme Being,
seeing the hereafter...
05/26 Direct Link
Low clouds,
no sign of Sun
and it begins to drizzle.

This was not supposed to happen according to the weather forecast.

ĒDoesnít this weather suck?Ē the Memorial Day Veteran asked me.

ĒItís the will of Allah,Ē I told him and continued reading Ya Sin to give him a hint that I didnít intend to be bothered.

Before she opened the door I wasnít expecting her to say that an accident had occurred.

Her purple pants were full of excrete and she didnít know where to put them. I hand washed them and enquired her as to what she ate.
05/27 Direct Link
I must have said it quite loud.

ďWhen Iím scheduled to work, you expect me to be on time right, so what does it take for you to pay me my correct salary?Ē

I was talking to one of my colleagues without realizing that the administrator was in the 4x4 in front of us. She must have been afraid to get out of her car and her husband kept looking at us cautiously standing by the driverís side with the car door open.

I guess they assumed they would be car jacked and pillaged like poor villagers.

Such pathetic idiotsÖ
05/28 Direct Link
I went to payroll as suggested by the so called administrator of our department.

The fat jolly grey headed lady, with her hands in the air palms up stated it was out of her hands regarding the error of my rate and that I needed to go to Human Resources.

Once I got down to HR, they stated that they needed to do some research.


What kind of research?

I donít have time for some damn statistical studies.

Getting my check messed up all the time seems to be the norm.

Iím getting infuriated,
controlling the postal syndrome within.
05/29 Direct Link
Thatís what parents are for.

It was sudden and without notice past midnight, when I heard the sounds of what I thought was water spilling. Once I was fully awake I realized it wasnít water, but vomit which was red and pinkish in color with a horrible smell that made me almost vomit.

I felt sorry for her and myself after spending the night scrubbing the carpet and washing out the sheets.

This time I laid down fresh sheets and a blanket on the hard kitchen floor in case she threw up again.

I lit incense to clear the air.
05/30 Direct Link
I called off from work as I was feeling depressed,
and suppressed;
mentally strained.

Children can drive an adult insane.
Since Iím against using belts
due to my own abuse
by a wicked relative,
I am totally against using belts,
or extension chords
as a method of discipline.

I cleaned my apartment a bit which seems to be cluttered, just like my mind I said.

Truly said, the mind is within and without.

Nothing is separate from the other.

So it should come as no surprise that I feel more at peace in an organized home versus cluttered.
05/31 Direct Link
In regards to my life,
I have more questions
than answers
which is fine
I guess,
but does not leave me satisfied.

I realize that the more I try to plan my life from hour to hour the more that I am killing myself,
especially since I am going by
the death clock
called mechanical time.

If I base my life off of the machine I will never be able to free my mind.

Freeing the mind means freeing it from all concepts.

Time is a concept.

Iím trying to get to the point of when time was before time.