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02/01 Direct Link
It was an instant flash, so I looked around to see who took a photograph and saw no one. Then I heard thunder and knew that what I saw was lightning.

Before the flash we already had flakes of snow wandering in every possible direction.

What was odd, was to have lightning and snow at the same time. It is unheard of.

It flashed several more times with sounds of thunder that sounded like a grumbling stomach.

The texture of the snow changed from flakes to small balls that looked like tadpole eggs or balls from a box of styofoam.
02/02 Direct Link
Noor lost a lot of weight. I was happy for her and I admired her struggle and strength to stand up despite the sharp pains she was experiencing in her stomach. My highest recommendation to her was to drink some ginger tea which acts as a natural healer of stomach problems.

At 20:30 in the night, I saw a formation of geese flying in a southwest direction. I found that to be extremely odd yet beautiful. Since when do geese migrate in the night?

Minutes later a military helicopter followed the formation and I wondered, what was really going on.
02/03 Direct Link
When you cry, tears come from the nose too. Some people call it snot, but its all part of the crying process.

First some deep emotion is felt. Then the eyes burn slightly like fire put to ice and eventually the water comes flowing, and for some reason it comes through the nose as well.

Isteriku will be going back overseas again; not something that I am looking forward to.

I put it out of my head and I am really putting the moment to moment, day by day philosophy to use.

No use in fretting over the unknown future.
02/04 Direct Link
We have no ideal regarding the range and density of the forces and powers that exist throughout the Universe and all of its vastness unseen to the naked eye.

Truth verifies that in strength is power and in power is strength.

Once you know for a fact that an unseen world exists that is just as real as the world you see with your physical eyes, then you never see life as the same.

Who knows, perhaps the material world we live in is really an illusion and completely false.

It was only us, who deceived ourselves that its real.
02/05 Direct Link
We were reviewing the American Express bill online to see if the online payment I sent online went through or not. According to the website, no transaction was shown.

Dia started throwing a hissy fit and I told her to calm down. I called my bank and they confirmed that the payment was made.

She asked me if she could leave here early, though we had agreed until the end of March. She started complaining about bills which I already said I would pay.

I will pay them damnet!

She really made me mad for lacking in confidence and faith.
02/06 Direct Link
I was still quite angry from yesterday’s event, and I did not have intentions on going back home so early. In fact, I did not want to come back home at all. I was wondering if she would ever call or text me as to my whereabouts.

She never did call me, but once I was home she hugged me and cried and said she thought I would abandon her.

“Who is really being abandoned,” I asked? You are the one going back to your country.

Later on I cooked some red salmon and steamed some cabbage with fried eggs.
02/07 Direct Link
I was glad to learn that today was Chinese New Years. Its year of the rat, which happens to be my sign.

Not the vicious evil New York type rat, but the humble cheerful forest rat, like you’d see in the cartoons.

Later in the day I attended the mandatory employee meeting for the new company change over. The hotel is officially sold now.

Prizes were given out, which started with hotel stays in San Diego, San Francisco, and Arizona.

Then came MP3 players and a laptop.

Lastly were two 46 inch TV’s. I was one number away from winning.
02/08 Direct Link
Another brief meditation before going off to work and in this session I was able to observe my inner pains, frustrations and disappointments up close.

I reflected on how I was working and doing the house work all in one, just like I am single again.

I reflected on her half hearted massages with her primary focus on television, how I was doing all the cooking and the dishes.

If I didn’t wash them, who would?

She promised to iron my work clothes, yet here I was doing the steam press smoothing out the wrinkles in my clothes and life.
02/09 Direct Link
I can’t believe that Gita, not her real name, sent a letter to Noor’s mom talking about how she was going to take her place and how she was waiting for me to fulfill my promise to her.

A promise that I would marry her. I never made such a promise.

I thought she was in China, but it seems as though she has lied.

I thought Gita was so pious with her daily prayers, recital of the Quran and tasbih, but now it seems like she has proven to be more treacherous than pious.

What is her actual motives?
02/10 Direct Link
I reviewed jotted notes I had wrote in my blue composition notebook and I realized that she read more of my notes than what she said.

This was my personal property, my diary, my journal, my deep inner sanctuary of which I shared with no one but me, myself and I. I felt so violated.

Is this the same violation that a raped woman feels?

My journals are my privacy.

How do you read someone else’s’ journal by mistake?

Do people pick up guns and shoot their loved ones by mistake?

I feel like I have to lock everything up.
02/11 Direct Link
I wired some money overseas today. It’s sad that it costs money to send money.

Noor threw up some more today. She can’t seem to hold anything down that she eats. Our time together here has turned out to be the worst of times.

We barely spoke at all today, and I felt it was better that way, especially when she said she cold not stand this place anymore.

I felt so frustrated and told her to just go back.

In my frustration I still managed to do my prayers and meditate.

While meditating tears flowed from my eyes naturally.
02/12 Direct Link
I enjoyed watching the Travel channel, where the tango dance was shown up close. Very intimate and exotic.

Then they showed the food version of the Travel channel.

I could not understand how Noor could bare to watch this white man eating such things as live worms and slimy snails, but at the smell of ghee she was on the verge of throwing up.

I’m glad to get out of the house and waiting for the #10 bus.

I am one step away from entering another dimension and not to far from having an organic understanding of wholistic ancient astronomy.
02/13 Direct Link
In the process of enrolling my daughter into a school that looks as though it is on the verge of collapse.

Despite the sight, I understand that this was due to lack of funding and support.

You will find schools like this all over the world.

Public schools are nice on the outer and inner parts, but the education is sorely lacking.

I prefer a run down school that will feed me useful knowledge, than a school that teaches me nothing, with fine facilities.

In times of poverty, you have to work with what you have despite the limitless resources.
02/14 Direct Link
I had these two books sent to my PO Box entitled “The Prophesized End Time” and ”2008 God’s Final Witness,” by Ronald Weinland who is claiming to be a prophet for the end time.

He says the book is directed to the faiths of the three major religions; Islam, Judaism and Christianity.

In truth I don’t think a prophet is needed to tell us that our world is in terrible shape and the people running it.

I really need to sharpen my butcher knife.

This was evident in the difficulty I had cutting the halal chicken for the chicken soup.
02/15 Direct Link
I missed my Jumuah prayers again.

Love in the morning literally paralyzed me, putting me in a deeper sleep with no plans of going anywhere beyond the warm blankets.

Noor is losing her hearing. I might buy her a hearing aid as a gesture without making her feel bad about it.

How does the blind date work? Meeting someone you know nothing about? Personally I would feel very nervous and awkward.

You know that you’re going to be judged. We judge people everyday.

Ugly, pretty, polite, and so on, though our perceptions may be off and our judgements way off.
02/16 Direct Link
In Surah 2 verse 223 of the Holy Quran it says, ”Your wives are a tilth for you, so go in to your tilth when you like, and send good beforehand for yourselves.”

This verse is talking about sexual relations in a marriage and marriage rights.

If the husband wants to make love to his wife and she says no most of the time or makes up an excuse, she could be guilty of a sin.

It may seem minor initially, but after a while it can cause problems in a marriage and lead to cases of infidelity and frustrations.
02/17 Direct Link
There is a book in London entitled, “Lawful Wives or Unlawful Girlfriends.’’ The book is written by a Muslim, geared towards Muslims in general and to those who are interested.

It seems that this world is so wicked and its influence so strong that even righteous people who are striving for righteousness tend to forget.

In Islam there is no such thing as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Either you are married or you are not.

Either you are courting for marriage or engaged.

There is no intercourse before marriage and holding hands or kissing is not really prescribed in the Koran.
02/18 Direct Link
It was Monday afternoon and I should have received a call by now from H&R Block regarding my income tax check return so I called them my self.

“Your check has been put in rack sir.”

What?

‘’You have a federal debt sir.”

It has to be from my school loan I thought.

‘’Will I see any of my tax returns?” I asked the lady.

“Yes you will,“ she said.

I’m not expecting more than $1 in return now.

I might be able to dispute it since I have not worked in the United Snakes for the past four years.
02/19 Direct Link
There is an easier and simpler way to bring more clarity and freedom to our lives with a few small sacrifices.

If we want more clarity, then we have to make more sacrifices.

Reptiles such as lizards and snakes at certain points in their lives shed their skin which is a sign of growth, transformation, and renewal.

Though humans don’t shed skin on their bodies the way snakes do we can shed the skins of materialism that we have accumulated.

These materialisms can also be non material, such as thoughts and emotions we hold on to so dearly and wholeheartedly.
02/20 Direct Link
What happens to time when the second hand stops inside of your watch? Does time as we know it stop as well?

Does everyone freeze in their tracks and the planets stop rotating?

Is sex sacred?

Sometimes answers can be found by going back in time.

I thought about the many sex shops that exist throughout the world with its XXX videos, magazines, dildos, vibrators, sex toys and the exploitation of people and commercializing of sex to feed our lower desires.

It’s ok says the devil, to sale your body and integrity.

Meanwhile Allah condemns it and commands self respect.
02/21 Direct Link
I recall when I was young watching the Jetson’s cartoons, where Jetson is able to talk to his boss and see him at the same time.

He could also talk to his wife and family members and see who he was talking to as well.

When I saw that cartoon, for me it was just pure fantasy and unimaginable.

Today that impossibility is called the webcam.

In addition to this new feature added to technology you can also see who you are talking to on your cell phone.

The lesson learned is that in the impossible lie the very possible.
02/22 Direct Link
I stayed up the entire night last night until this morning. I watched everyone sleep periodically.

This is the way it always is. When I want to spend some quality time with family, they always wind up sleeping.

Let’s watch a movie tonight.

Ok!

Minutes later I can hear snoring, and everyone escapes to dreamland.

So much for spending time together.

I find myself stuck on the computer searching the web, touching the keys of a keyboard that has no feelings.

Here I am isolated, neglected, living in my own dream, bearing my own load of misery and endless suffering.
02/23 Direct Link
I went to the Virginia branch library to print out Noor’s flight itinerary. I know that she is so eager to leave this place that she considers hell.

Six more days left and I am not counting.

I’m trying to put the thought out of my mind and cherish the last moments that are left.

Cherishing the last moments prove to be difficult when the other person is too worried about the future and things that happened in the past.

Can we just spend one minute in the now?

Can you forget about it for just one minute or second?
02/24 Direct Link
I’ve always had this ideal about enlightenment and so do others that once we attain enlightenment that we have arrived at some final resting place where we don’t have to do anything anymore. Everything will take care of itself.

Now I realize that the moment you have arrived at some point which does not require you to keep moving; (which is stagnation) then you have reached a state of death.

When there is no more progress or advancement, then you have become like a corpse with no goals and no direction.

Enlightenment is continuous and without end,
continuing without arriving.
02/25 Direct Link
I am the motion of every moving object,
the essence of every sound,
every slab of cement and stone,
blade of grass,
and all the breathing human beings.

In the end I am nothing,
the essence of all emptiness and space.

If you know intuitively that you are everything minute and grandeur, why have desire for anything at all?

The moment you feel you are separate from one thing is the moment you become separate from all things, the All, the cosmic whole.

The complete being possesses nothing.

I am this entire bus moving and the people inside and outside.
02/26 Direct Link
All my devotion belongs to Allah, but sometimes it seems that some of my devotion goes to other things, like my wants.

Allah is not Buddha but he is the most perfected Buddha in every since.

Buddha is a title and not an individual person in history.

It is evident upon deep reflection that love of just close relatives is not enough, but love of all beings who possess life.

It might be possible that Jesus (p.b.u.h) said to love everybody, even our enemies, because this would be the highest form of love which is non discriminative.

Universal Sufi Love.
02/27 Direct Link
We made love this morning amongst cold drafts and sparks of heat creating a warm love.

The plan was to drive to the mountains tonight. It would have made everything perfect.

Make love, travel a distance of miles at a higher elevation and see the stars. Love and stars make the perfect mix.

As the evening approached she became sick again and vomited repeatedly.

My eagerness to go into the mountains subsided as I realized that driving with a sick passenger would not be a good ideal.

I wound up on You Tube learning about how big our Universe Is.
02/28 Direct Link
I liked the feeling of her touch on my tattoos. It seemed that she had touched them passionately with this deep love for art.

Later she explained how my tattoos would be removed and how the laser works, while shifting her glance at my sensitive regions periodically and the cost of removing my youthful mistakes.

I drove many places looking for a zafu pillow and everyone is sold out.

This is a good sign that more people are meditating.

Finally we made it to the mountains.

Was glad she found the stars beautiful and that I was entranced by them.
02/29 Direct Link
The last day of February and she is gone now. I sent her off to the airport which felt like a farewell forever.

I couldn’t believe that she did not want to make love one more time.

”I have already showered,” she said.

She shattered me into pieces of which I am still trying to put back together, wondering what kind of wife says something like this.

She has no ideal how deep my wounds are within, which I bear with a simple smile or prolonged silence.

You are like a diamond but she treats you like glass.

-Alicia Keyes