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01/01 Direct Link
ďIts New Years,Ē so they say by Gregorian calendar standards.

This New Years was unlike any other New Years; lacking enthusiasm and financial funds state wide, not many went out to celebrate it.

For me, New Years was just another day, since I had to work New Years Eve going into New Years day. I would see what I always hated to see.

Drunks acting stupid, staggering to their rooms, women with their boobs nearly popping out their sleazy dresses and then some mental case who knocked over the housekeeping bucket screaming ďevacuate!Ē and that there was a deadly virus.
01/02 Direct Link
I took the two young ladies to Washington Park as I had promised.

I never knew that they were so afraid of dogs,
despite the fact that they were on leashes.

Iím not afraid of dogs, and neither am I fond of them.

We began our walk around the frozen lake where great notice was taken to the parts in the snow that had various colorations of yellow. These were the piss stains left by the dogs.

Seeing the wild geese flying in formation and the sunset would take my mind away from the distasteful sights; along with laughing ducks.
01/03 Direct Link
It seems like everyone is suffering from jet lag, and besides adjusting to the time change; finding it difficult to adjust to the climate change as well.

Going from below sea level to sea level to mountainous ranges where the air is no longer humid but dry.

So dry until the skin cracks
like the scales of a lizard
with red designs deep in the cracks
which are blisters of blood.

Having difficulty breathing is one of the first signs that you are in higher altitudes.

A short supply of oxygen to the brain can bring illusions and grave misconceptions.
01/04 Direct Link
Words are the things that we use to describe and explain things in this world.

What kind of world would this be if we didnít have words to describe it?

I went to Bike Source today which sales bikes,
before it was a carpet shop.

The bikes went from $500 all the way up to $7000.

I told the salesman there, that I was not looking for an expensive bike, and that if I bought a bike at these prices, that I would be better off buying a used car.

He laughed, knowing what I said to be very true.
01/05 Direct Link
It can be quite humiliating to be in a position,
which requires you to ask someone for their help,
or their resources,
knowing that the person could easily say no.

Does the person who has more resources really powerful,
or is it a mere blessing and test from GOD?

Is the poor man who begs for money and food really powerless,
or is it a perception of the clouded mind.

What is power?

Perhaps power is the very opposite of the accumulation of material and wealth.

Perhaps power is simple like an ant,
or as simple as being consciously aware.
01/06 Direct Link
For every major language, Iím sure that thereís a Jehovahís Witness somewhere on this planet.

I saw the group of jovial Spanish ladies as they stepped out of their minivan into the parking lot of the health food market.

They spoke in muttered tones, but loud enough for me to hear them.

Then they shuffled in behind me into the vegetable section sayings ďtan bueno,Ē admiring the care I took in picking my vegetables.

They casually walked over to the coffee section, where they mingled and giggled in unison.

One stood alone and seemed to be waiting for Don Juan.
01/07 Direct Link
My preference for cooking is with fire. This is the way it has been for ages. MoiÖ how things have changed.

Today fire has been replaced by microwaves and electric heaters. In the end, it will be fire again, like in the beginning.

Dinner: I steamed some celery, zucchini, and broccoli together. I cooked some red bell peppers, green onions, and garlic in butter and later added a small portion of soy sauce.

I cooked some basmati rice in a separate pot using a bit of sesame seed oil and made some eggs like a pancake adding some Colby cheese.
01/08 Direct Link
Unless I am suffering from amnesia or memory loss, as far as I know, I did not create myself. I did not determine my facial features, how tall I would be and how the physique of my body would be.

Once I was born, I was given a name by my parents, rather I liked it or not.

My gender was determined by my sexual organs. Later I would be given rules on how boys should be, things I should believe in, and what I should strive for.

I never questioned these things until now, struggling to remove the blindfold.
01/09 Direct Link
I saw the universe and stars upon the sidewalk that I walked on. It was pieces of gravel scattered upon stones, clouds in shades of grey.

I continued walking with two weeks of groceries on my right shoulder and a stack of firewood on top of my head.

Though my journey walking from the supermarket to home was a short distance, it was enough to make me realize what hard work entitled.

Nowadays we are plain lazy.

The machine does practically everything for us now.

The machine has sucked away our ancestral strengths, sucking out our life essence and dreams.
01/10 Direct Link
The non alcoholic apple cider was sitting in the kitchen cabinet since mid December. It was intended to bring in the New Years with the ones I had been separated from for over seven months.

We drank the cider today celebrating an entirely different New Years.

1 Muharram 1429 the start of the Islamic New Year.

You wonít hear about this in the news or anything positive about Islam.

My search for a butcher knife today was unsuccessful. The supermarket does not carry one butcher knife.

"Try Bed Bath and Beyond," the guy said.

How about ordering butcher knives instead.
01/11 Direct Link
It was like a stare down during the old wild west on the train going downtown.

One gringo in front of me in his tie, suit and shiny shoes, thought he was more superior than every person on the train.

He dared not look at me out of fear heíd see his ugly self.

At one stop another gringo boarded the train and stood next to the other gringo. Now I had two gringos in front of me instead of one. I managed to read their brains and the alpha beta waves they transmitted in low tones.

Slavery is over.
01/12 Direct Link
So behind on what I have called my writings, basically a series of my thoughts, actions and ideals for each individual day and night.

Now my writings have consisted of mere jotted notes waiting to be compiled into paragraphs and pages. But behind my feelings; of feeling as though Iím falling behind in my creative writing process I ask myself what is it all for.

Once I write something will I ever read it again?

Am I writing to preserve my history in time?

Am I wasting my time penning on paper splotches of ink and hope page after page?
01/13 Direct Link
Awakened by the sounds of dishes clanging together almost as though they were on the verge of breaking. Donít you know that I was sleeping?

In the various religions all around the world, I ponder, if there was no promise of paradise or a great reward for being good in this world, would we still strive to be righteous on a day to day basis?

I asked myself if it was hypocrisy to act a certain way with hopes of some reward.

Is it possible to simply act from the true center of ourselves?

The trick is in finding it.
01/14 Direct Link
Iíve been so tired recently on my night shift job. Normally I could get through the night without nodding. Now it seems like staying awake is a big challenge.

Picked up binti this morning from her mothers house. She ran out of a pair of clean socks and wears her snow boots barefooted. It would not take long for her to feel the ice cold on her itty bitty feet.

It got so cold that she started whining. I tried to reason with her by suggesting that we run to get home faster and continually saying were almost home now.
01/15 Direct Link
My company asks the question, with which ethnic group do you most closely identify.

White, not of Hispanic origin, anyone having origins in Europe, North Africa and the Middle East. I was puzzle about this.

Black, not of Hispanic origin, having origins in any of the Black racial groups.

Asian or Pacific Islander.

American Indian or Alaskan Native, having origins with any of the original people of North America, members of any recognized Indian tribe now under federal jurisdiction, descendants of members who were residing on any Indian reservation on 1 june 1934.

Hispanic, Mexican, Puerto Rican, Cuban South American.
01/16 Direct Link
I carried wood for you all and I thought the plan was for us to burn wood and gather around the fire.

It seems that everyone is gathering more around the television, artificial light, and artificial presentations.

This is the main reason I really didnít want a television to begin with. I know for a fact that I can live without television.

I continue to feed the fire and everyone has gone to sleep now. Itís just me again all alone with the fire and the night, just like before.

Who else to embrace now; besides memories and this moment?
01/17 Direct Link
Finally went out for a walk with isteriku and binti for the first time since Iíve been out here.

Binti wanted to know where we were going and I told her to the moon.

Later I explained to her that we would have to find our spaceship first. The spaceship in my imagination.

We walked passed houses mostly, and the library that also looked like a house from the distance.

Then there was a Korean church that seemed to be out of place, in the middle of no where.

We continued walking under the stars and various streams of clouds.
01/18 Direct Link
This before me is all an illusion.

It is only man who just a few days ago gave things a name a description and relevance.

Everyone else followed along carrying 100% belief in their back pockets for collateral.

I continue to write and ask what is it all for?

After some considerable contemplations I realize that all writing is, are thoughts and ideals captured and imprinted on paper with the potential for some future generation to read about it and give their own personal opinions.

Why not let thoughts out of their cage to roam free, scattering throughout the universe.
01/19 Direct Link
When did the essence of love become a commodity or something that could be arranged and fitted into a tight schedule book?

Lunch at 12,
dinner at 8,
movie at 9,
and maybe love at 10.

Does love have to be sequenced or made to follow military commands?

Up,
down,
left,
right,Ö..attention!

From what I know and remember, love is like a river which flows in whatever direction fits the moment.

Sometimes it withers towards the left and then suddenly bends to the right.

Itís the unexpected kiss, the touch of hands for the first time,Öoceanic movements.
01/20 Direct Link
I found a Motorola phone in the dirt in good condition and a fox trampling along the train tracks scurrying, faster to get a better glimpse of the sunrise.

Even with gloves on, the cold air bites through them causing my hands to feel as though they are burning and on fire.

I take my mind away from the pain and focus on various bird nests throughout their communities in trees; whose leaves still lay bare with patches of withered brown here and there.

Itís her birthday.

Everything will go well.

Everything goes well on your birthday.

Thatís a myth.
01/21 Direct Link
Sweet holy mother of God it is cold out here!

As I dress for the weather, I feel as though I am dressing for battle. Each layer of clothing added as a protection from the cold that stabs with icicle spears and fire made of burning ice.

Each corner turned is welcomed with a tight slap by the winds that carry open palmed hands.

Next time you will dress warmer the cold says.

There is nothing to do, but submit to its chilling experience to cause your ass to freeze with time, that bites into your clothes like mad moths.
01/22 Direct Link
This is the second day I come to pick you up and you promised me that you would not cry. Now, not only are you crying, but your gaze is a gaze as though I betrayed you in some way.

You know that Iím your father donít you?

I understand that she was really feeling the bond to her natural mother, whom she had not seen in years.

Later her cry became an issue of seeing Sponge Bob.

This is getting ridiculous.

I promised her Iíd get Sponge Bob if she stopped crying.

She wound up choosing High School Musical.
01/23 Direct Link
A pure caffeine overload.

Starbucks at 5 in the morning, just to stay awake a few hours more. Been up all night on the nightshift.

After 6, down to Dazbogs for another cup of coffee which is more stronger than Starbucks. Almost reminds me of Turkish coffee without the milk.

Meanwhile after work, proceed to the ballroom where you will be informed about your benefits with the new company that is buying out the company you work for.

Vision, dental medical, 401K and life.

The more people you add the more money will be taken out your hard earned check.
01/24 Direct Link
The next time you buy a new car, ask for an application for hire while youíre at it. There is enough paperwork to fill out to get you hired at the auto car dealership.

Whatís your mother and fathers name, their parents names and their parents?

Were they slaves?

What was the name of the ship they came on?

What was the name of their slave master?

We still need more information.

Iím glad I found a butcher knife today at a good price, and halal chicken.

Tonightís specialty will be curry chicken with basmati rice; looking forward to it.
01/25 Direct Link
Zen inside the laundromat.

I came here to wash one comforter in the laundrymat that is owned by Koreans but operated by Mexicans and little children running around gleefully.

I sit in a chair made of white plastic, barely able to sustain my weight.

I watch individual and separate dryers tumble all kinds of clothing, sleep wear and linens.

I listen to the washing machines that sound like waterfalls at one point and then machines in a factory at the next.

A TV is on which needs repairs, broadcasting Mexican music videos.

The Korean owner smokes outside in the cold.
01/26 Direct Link
After much persuasions and promises for the night, I went ahead and called off, though I had planned to go to work.

Calling off for work is difficult.

Itís almost like trying to get a loan from the bank.

1,001 questions are asked and then there are the many speculations in the air like twinkling stars, and big doubts.

Youíre not sick, you donít have a family emergency. You just want to party and have a good time.

But how would they know, and what do they base sincerity off of?

Vomit or diarrhea in a bag.

This isnít CSI.
01/27 Direct Link
Immersed my cosmic mystic body into the warm bath I prepared for myself with some lit candles to mystify the atmosphere a bit more, as though it was not already mystified.

Was feeling a bit down about a promise that was made to me and the sacrifices I had made which turned out to be futile in the end.

As I soaked in the tub I analyzed my disappointment as though I was the patient and the psychologist probing my brain with light and microscopes.

Analysis: The brain shivers at the point we realize how deceptive and conniving it is.
01/28 Direct Link
Is Dia pregnant?

She says she canít stand the smell of ghee and how it makes her nauseated to the point of almost vomiting.

I comfort her as she shares her feelings with me, and I have this deep compassion for her unlike any prior compassions.

Is this the compassion that the Buddha spoke of?

Compassion that is non judgmental, all loving compassion without seeking some reward in return.

True relaxation is being free of tension on all levels of being.

I breathe in,
pause,
breathe out,
pause,
and that's all that really matters.

Without breath Iím good as dead.
01/29 Direct Link
A nice 100 breath meditation does not go unnoticed.

It brought calm to my body and mind and even inner calm despite how messy this room is.

I donít want to stop at just 100 breaths, I want to continue, but time demands that I take a shower and listen to some Lakota chants while still in a deep state of being.

Meanwhile, isteriku thinks she might be pregnant and so do I,
but we both believe that itís impossible,
due to the biological organic time clock and the seasons.

My research shows it could also be the flu too.
01/30 Direct Link
I bought her some candy as she requested. Itís so cute to see that a woman still has that lillte girl within them. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.

While at the supermercado I bought a pregnancy test kit. They can be quite expensive.

I would learn of the results this morning that the fantasy in my mind that I would have a boy or girl in nine months came out to be a big negative; a big X on my conscious.

She will never want to try again.

I will be forced to find a second wife.
01/31 Direct Link
14:23 at University Hills library on my day off.

I felt like a stranger in my own home, as isteriku ignored me it seemed engrossed into the television.

Now I wish I could be a television so I could get more attention.

SmileÖ

The truth is Iím learning more about myself and the nature of people as I study more about my true nature.

ZilchÖ

Iím not important in this Universe.

If I were to die today the birds would not miss me tomorrow.

I can count on two hands how many would cry.

Donít shed tears for my nonexistence.