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10/01 Direct Link
I sat on the wooden steps and gazed out across the evening sky. My radio spoke softly messages of carnage. "... thousands killed as bombs raged the country. In this state of war, we must remember ... anything you can do for the effort ... help. All across ... looters ... vandalism ... eighty percent. The president … stay calm ..." Off in the distance, I could hear voices screaming, shouting.

"Beautiful sunset, isn't it?" I didn't have to look to recognize my mother's voice, her words were always sweetest to me, as any mother's voice is to her child.

10/02 Direct Link
I heard her walk as quietly as she could through the forest to the edge of the glade.

"Hello Cassie" I heard the soft sound of surprise and then I realized my mistake.

The question unspoken was interrupted by the moonlight. I laughed.

"Amazing" she whispered.

I turned to look at Cassie, the night falling on me. "There are things I haven't told you, and things I can never tell you for the safety of others. But believe me when I say this, I would sooner sell all the things I love then betray you or the life I live."

10/03 Direct Link
She was lifted high, higher than her small height, higher than the tub's size, until she was level with deep gray eyes. They stared at her and she stared back as best as possible with her fright and swollen black eye.

The woman held a long knife in her hand, sharp and crusted with brown. Her arm was spotted too, like the floor, and like the child' s face and hair.

She lifted her hand to the child's sight. The metal reflected the soft morning sun in her eye. The girl watched the sharp edge's movements, silent.

Almost ten o'clock.

10/04 Direct Link
Water crashed into her, lifting her sweater and rolling over her belly. Her bag slid into her and knocked her into a sort of awareness she had recently been: awake and dead.

The wind, a memory of something, filled her ears. She could hear a pattern and a sound but was too tired to try to see past the cold, so she just closed her eyes and fell.

She didn't care what kept her, her ears deep in the water that flowed down the drain, but stayed. Her arms getting warmer, the wet fabric they rubbed against no loner noticed.

10/05 Direct Link
The knife shot out, across her arm. Blood was pooling under her feet on the floor. A clump of flesh fell. Then another. Blood coated her face.

She looked down. Ground seemed to pull away until she was dropped in the red under her shadow. The woman switched hands with the knife. She reached for the girl and lifted her, again.

Sharp and quick, the metal slid over flesh, peeling and pulling. Blood flowed over her face from the other direction. She had enough sense not to cry, rag doll as her arms were peeled. More pieces of flesh fell.

10/06 Direct Link
The oldest story on my harddrive. I have no idea when it's written, but it means the most. I'd be frantic if missing.

When they left the building, they saw how to live like kings.They would have stayed, but Eliza saw the men runnig after them and so they ran away.They ran to the only place they knew comfort in.The lady of the house didnot know that they were coming and let her dogs out to play.They hoped that the lady of the house didnot let her dog out just yet,but she did.That was the end of the bad kids.

10/07 Direct Link
She lay there silent and motionless on the ground. The wind had just begun to stir, too late. White strands of hair were streaked with the grass, with the blood. The bottom was cool, was slick, was wet. He jumped off the roof after her and dropped on the lawn. It had stopped raining. The ground shook on impact and pieces of shingle fell. He ran to her and fell across the wet grass, tripped. Her eyes were open as he shook her, trying to rise her.

She didn't wake. Doll eyes.

It had been twenty-seven days since her first mistake.

10/08 Direct Link
I can't write like I used too. I used too so well, easy, talent was like breathing. And now in a few months, after enduring the small towns, my relatives, I am reduced to this. This, this piece of trash. I have no value. I lack. I have lost many things, and my memory. I can't remember her, so many things, I forget my own birthday and I'm not yet even twenty years old.

I tried to write a happy tale
the words stuck my throat
and all I choked out instead were the red-soaked letters
of somebody else's heart.

10/09 Direct Link
So cold. So very cold. There is misery about me and it is eternal. Omni. Consume me and choke. Spit me out. I am worthless. I have no value. Soon, I shall degrade. I vanish and sink beneath. There is no surface. There is no face. Do not speak. Words have died.

Caress the deep hole that resides
empty, where your soul must have fled

In tender fear of what you could not tell
me, yet all else knew.

North wind is cold, they say you have gone
South, and are happy.

But I believe summer
is an Alaskan dream.

10/10 Direct Link
I had a dream last night. It was nothing really, just a five minute snip, but it was the first time I dreamt in a long time. I usually listen to my radio before I fall asleep but I can't dream if I listen to my radio and I love my dreams. I took my headphones off earlier than usual this time. I remembered this necklace a boy gave me, it was the first gift and probably only gift any boy gave me. It was sorta pretty, whiteish with a diamond like charm on the chain. In a gold box.
10/11 Direct Link
I've never gone with anybody. There was only one kid I ever remember starting to let my guard down to. I think his name was Michael, we used sit in a corner of the classroom talking. I think I made him laugh. I told him about my family, heinous torture that they are, and he mentioned once that he had a razor in his pocket. Somehow that seemed to suited me. He gave me a pretty little gold box before Christmas, before the class broke up that I just put in my book bag. I didn't open it until after.
10/12 Direct Link
blue velvet
chokes the throat, closing, confining, sealing tighter
than the white rat's tail
he wove before your birth to the fairy godmother who only asked you to
wish and be granted
omnipotence, immortality before
immoral subjects.




so natural, so easy
like lying to your mother
about the corpse under the mower,
dead brother,
and don't forget where to plunge your knife
when arched
in ecstasy across your lover's back.

it's love, romance,
a combination of foul and obscene
words once used
to fool the memories
of the accidents of sex.

eat your own flesh
children,
your grandparents
once did.
10/13 Direct Link
freedom
is just an expression
of the fear
outside cages

My family is coming up to visit me in my dorm room today. I haven't been out here much and my aunt is sure to ask questions. She always does. I can't be out, everything reminds me of something else. It's like walking down a street with open Christmas windows knowing you don't have a home.

children can laugh
and cry without substance, no matter
is permanent enough
to hold, confine within. If I die, who will find my corpse
and bind my legs
so I can drown in hell?
10/14 Direct Link
She tripped on the stairs, her toe sticking in the worn yellow carpet and rendering itself prisoner. She fell and for a moment, one perfect second in time, she had no weight. Then she hit her chin on the steps, the floor and was still.

The sun wasn't visible from the windows just yet but the after affects could still be felt. Bare streams of shielded warmth filtered in from the glass. The whole room was a dim offset of brown. Shady carpeting chose it's own territory over the wooden boards. The girl's hair hid her face, covered her back.

10/15 Direct Link
He said: "I dreamt I was walking, last night, along a narrow bridge and it was dark and cold, something pushed me and I fell in the water. I was drowning and the more I struggled the deeper it got until I didn't know where the surface was."

She said: "The other night I dreamt I was in a warehouse, standing on some boxes, and there was a fire. It was bright and hot, my skin was burning when the flames reached my feet. There was a telephone I tried to use but the line was cut. The roof collapsed."

10/16 Direct Link
She screamed in her mind and woke up cold.

She shivered, the memory raising hairs on her arms and tingling to her fingers. She clenched her fist.

It was only a dream, she reasoned. Dreams can't, shouldn't hurt you…

…He was paralyzed. Small child, a natural beauty. He stood silent in the empty town, staring. He was young, too young to be out alone without his mother. Where is his mother?

… there. By the well. She's resting now, her upper body on one side and lower portion on the other half. Was the ground this red to begin with?…

10/17 Direct Link
My hand is numb sorta. My fingers are still tingling. It was tingling all last night when I went to sleep and I think it has something to do with my elbow. I'm kinda worried, it hasn't gone away yet. When I left home for campus Saturday night my ear buzzed for a while. It started ringing and I could hear out of it, yes, but everything thing seemed somewhat muted. It was a soft buzz, what I think my dad must have in his ear, and I tried to get it out but came back going to my room.
10/18 Direct Link
I do not use a dish rack for drying. One main reason is that there's just too many dishes for it to be possible. It'd be like everyone on the Titanic actually getting in all those scarce lifeboats. Can't be done.

Plates should be stacked exactly how. Largest on bottom, smallest on top. BUT remember to place them UPSIDE DOWN. Otherwise it'd be like holding your umbrella upside down in the rain. Pretty pointless.

Pots and pans: upside down of course, but for pans that are not allowed to be touched by anything in the inside stack them just so.

10/19 Direct Link
It was a pleasant night, though not accurately night yet by definition for the sun could still be seen blazing low in the sky, spare strands of light lingering in thick blue and black. Perfect lanes of gray lay down their arms one by one around stout and stocky homes and buildings. Man-made treasures encased in the soft glow of evening.

She moved over the street, more wandering than walking. It was her second day in this strange town, the first being spent acquainting herself with her new home, something different.

When the sun started falling, the streets changed.

10/20 Direct Link
My aunt and my dad were just in my dorm. For some reason I was expecting my brother to come though I knew he was at school. They didn't stay long, I only spent about five minutes or so tidying up my room but they came to drop off my lesson plan for church. I don't really read them, and feel bad about it, but it was a rather nice gesture overall. Now that they're gone the room is brighter but it feels empty somehow. I turned all my lights on and they opened the window, dad fixed my shade.
10/21 Direct Link
When my dad was in my room he took a screw that's supposed to hang up my mirror so he could find a shorter one. The screws are too long for my closet door and I don't want to risk breaking another mirror just yet. I carried three full length mirrors up to my room so far, in just a few short months. The first I let my ex-roommate take because basically, I didn't like it. (I think the mirror curved inwards.) The second one broke when I got it to my room, shattered. The third is on my bed.
10/22 Direct Link
Midnight, past midnight. Later in the evening when the sky is so dark it's light. Closer to two. Maybe three. Probably 3'oclock in the morning. That's about right.

Cold and damp air escaped into the worn tavern as the weathered door forced itself open. A bundled figure stepped heavily over the threshold and into the bar. The occupants were few this late at night but they were there none the less and the more sober glanced in the vagrant's direction.

Other than that, the newcomer's arrival went largely unnoticed and disregarded; she wore an old trench worn dark with time.

10/23 Direct Link
When she woke up again for the third time, it was still cold and dark, and as confused and lost as she was, she had begun to accept that. Her ear was ringing slightly, but she could make out a voice next to her, talking lightly. It sounded familiar almost, a good familiar. But that couldn't be right.

One hand rested on her arm, light as if she was a fragile doll.

She was sleepy and as she listened to the voice, it kept sounding familiar, but ended at that. And it was still dark, and she was still lost.

10/24 Direct Link
She was dreaming. She had to be. Everything was so dark, an endless field so total and absolute that she could just stare forever in any direction and see nothing but the black stretching inky cloud of black.

It was so dark, cold too. It seemed like nothing this infinite could be anything but cold. Dampness so sophisticated it was endless and could, would, swallow you whole.

Blue. Somewhere a blue. Surrounding and encompassing as completely as this void. A river, stream, or eyes so soft and pale they were unreal. Blue, gone now, as if it wasn't.

10/25 Direct Link
I work a dust storm to the left of this city, in Hank's autoshop. Everytime I drive in that place I imagine my Hank standing behind the pumps, arms waving about. Wonder what he'd say if I told him he owned a corner of the desert.

Joey works up at the counter with the customers. I think it's because he's got charm enough to make the Devil blush. It doesn't help that he's Hank's nephew.

I was the resident foreigner back home, but here no one cares. Probably has to do with all the rebels bleeding to death of boredom.

10/26 Direct Link
He could never quite explain why. Perhaps he didn't remember. Perhaps he didn't want to. But it was odd. He never had to, never tried. Because nobody ever asked. They just accepted it. Accepted and moved on, and gave him a wonderfully furnished room that he wouldn't even dare to dream of owning in his home.

His home was different too.

For one it was smaller. The roof didn't reach quite as high into the heavens as this one did. The rooms were smaller and less cluttered. A chair here, a table there. Nothing much more was needed. But here...

10/27 Direct Link
Shrapnel was flying. It was high noon and the sun couldn't be closer. The left gunner slashed his sleeve across his face as another wave of ash and dirt exploded.

"We're gonna die!" Grenades flew over the hollow dunes, silent metal ravens of war.

"That's a nice thought!" A comrade shouted under the shrill of high-powered guns and empty golden casings. Two cannons fired, common blasts of air that shook the ground and vomited large silver bombs against cloth and flesh. The shrubbery had lived many dust storms in the short course of an hour and it bleed human blood.

10/28 Direct Link
I think something is changing. I think something is becoming different. I may be adjusting here. I am actually thinking of going to the cafeteria though the prospect of my own room is rather vibrant. I want to relive my dream again but I don't want to disappoint my dad. We're supposed to have all the meals paid for already but it's the thought of crowds that keeps me out. Sometimes I wish I was normal, where I could just go out whenever I felt like it and do whatever I want. But there's not much that interests me outside.
10/29 Direct Link
I am suspious of the cleaning staff here. Our dorm microwave has been yielding noodles on it's walls for some time now as absent as I am in remembering dates. My fridge just started humming now, it was silent when my family was here. The dorm rooms here are naturally dark because the one window that is here is small, in a corner. I have two lamps carefully positioned on my desks, an overhead light, and another light I switch on. With the window open it's all I can do to get light inside. I'm hungry again but I'm tired.
10/30 Direct Link
She used to listen to loud music at the same time, stereo volumes turned up so the sound blended together until the only things left were continuous blaring screams one after the other.

Every several months she'd move the furniture around in her room and tilt the mirror to a different angle but never where she could directly see it. She slept with the window open and her fan was always on the highest setting.

She kept a journal when she felt like it, writing half pages Spartan-like about what she did that day and always tossing it someplace different.

10/31 Direct Link
On Halloween I didn't go anywhere. I didn't get any candy and the only trick-or-treaters I saw was this kid the car in front of me stopped for in the town of college. I went home Halloween night, Friday at six o'clock that I didn't realize until I was on the road might be a bad idea. I went to the college website today and it says most kids stay during the weekend but there were plenty cars missing from the parking lot when I came back early on Saturday. My dad wants me to stay the weekend at home.