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slightly fogged, the mists of post realization are still visible on the horizon. the well that supplies these thoughts is slowly drying up, but oh, how slow can the drying go? drops are trickling about my sub concious even as i write, and i want to itch at them, make them go away... but then i remember, to just let it flow, let it run its course. leave it all up to time, for time is the healer of all things. it cleanses wounds like pure water, and hopefully it will cleanse my memory, dust off the misuse and depravity.
At present, ill speak the new… I spoke, discussed and pondered it again (in the real time, no virtual freak shit going on). I think ive chosen one direction, but that's for simplicities sake alone. It'll probably tear my cerebral apart and yet… and yet I simply cannot go through with the other alternative. It's the old problem arisen anew. Why is it such a crime to be nice? Im not talking borderline bitch shit, im talking straight up kindness… fuck it. Im done with all that. Next time progress is mentioned while under a veil of ‘kindness' its over…
i had a whole lot to say, but that was earlier [today] im too stoned to get depressed with memories. is this a good thing? bad? i never thought i'd become one to escape reality. ive always been the one to stick his head out the window and scream, while traveling towards the future. this morning i was on a bus, riding, getting introspective about myself, when i began to feel bad for everyone around me. i pitied all i saw, i picked out their possible weaknesses, and recognized the possible pains. what a pointless way to hit the resin.
i started spitting up blood when i wake up again. it was happening this summer, but it stopped. i am unclear as to if i should be concerned or not. oh well. i skipped a class today so i could eat lunch, but it wasnt important, so i dont care really. this entry feels to much like a boring journal, but i guess you write what your in the mood for eh? its amazing the contrasts im going through. when im distracted i love every second of life. but when i start thinking... i get all muddled up inside. fuck.
never really treated the past like a washboard. never really shaved using the proper cream. never really lived with the proper dream. the lexmarq benchmark speed tests were done using a processor 10x the size of the library of congress. thats a damn big CPU. damn big. i refuse to live like an american. but i refuse to let non-conformity set me apart. english would be a simpler language if it wasnt so damn americanized. but. i love changing it, having it morph. using adjectives as nouns, verbs as adjectives, the possibilities are endless, so have fun with them. aight?
im loving this. i love the feeling of understanding, the break in the clouds, the crest of the wave, the first spark on sum greens. its all so simple. life can be broken down into one thing. rest. then activity. i got 11 hours of sleep last night, and 10 hours the night before. i feel spectacular right now. morbid thoughts are reserved for the sleep deprived. so get some sleep i say! drink the 40oz after lunch, not dinner. then go to bed by 10pm. you'll never appreciate how benificial it really is unless you give it a shot.
haa, haah ha ha. met with darkness, couldnt see light. tried my hardest to escape my plight. disabled the vernacular, remained quite secular, bottom line: today i'm spectacular. no longer attatched, a new state of mind. and damn man, why stress, it wasn't hard to find. i laugh looking back, the concern, the worry. i should of just mellowed, like a bowl of thai curry. i made interesting to all that would hear, about my time spent living in fear. confused and distracted, hell yeah, i sure was. and the reasons for this were simply, because. haa, haah, ha ha.
its interesting upon retrospect to identify what was lost. i thought i was sad, that an attachment was there. but it was all so fuddled, there was no sense of conclusion, i was kept in a state of purgatorial confusion. but since then i've recovered, i've found that, beneath that veil of discontent and misconceptions the thing i had fallen for was no longer there. it had died, shriveled into a wilted half-being, hardly fit to be called the same name. god damn it feels good when you discover that that which caused you pain, is actually reason for laughter.
today is monday. monday is the day of atmosphere. atmosphere includes slug- the m.c. and ant- the dj. they combine emotional and personal lyrics with banging beats, rythmic guitar riffs and ambient melodies. its a kind of music i dig. BUT... in his songs slug portrays himself as a bit of a pimp, mackin the ladies etc, etc. ‘this then reminds me of the time we went to fargo, with a car full of anxiety'. his latest stuff is too polished for my tastes, with signs of a more expensive studio apparent in the glitzy bass kicks. regardless, im going.
damn. that was incredible. i don't know if it was the alcohol, the herbals, or the cola that made that concert; but what ever it was, i dug it. i have some minor complaints, like when this one guy kept claimin' he was ‘rulin ass' when he was just fuckin up over and over again. also, i felt they should have done more songs, but the heat kinda got to us all so it had to end some time. i was up front the whole time, drenching my clothes, and soaking the shit out of my backpack, (forgot about that).
well, well, well. listening to some apocyliptica, trying to write a paper and... failing miserably. i can't seem to focus. my brain is distracted, but not in the sense that it is actively thinking about other topics. its simply a bowl of mush, cotton candy if you will. its all fluff and circumstances, no real themes or ideals. but the violins play oh so roughly, and the electronic riffs scream. there it goes again. that noise. playing... softly... in the back of my head. i'd discuss the System but that would be confusing the issue. compose yourself skim- somethings wrong.
enter- pitch black baby girls stereotype sex fiends.i never really understood life until it rolled up on the ground: glass, delicate. complete dis-association towards reality, dis-illusionment towards society-it all leads to dis-truction. is that what the gilette man really wanted? did Dorne garuntee an afterlife, even in the face of stagnant knowledge? I get locked up inside, stuck up on hooks strewn about my room. no matter. i can deal with such things as these. ive got my aftershave, or at least the cranial equivalent. and so the judgment must be passed: how come aloe vera never soothed MY wounds?
almost lost track of things today. got back from a second atmosphere concert at 7am. finished a paper. took a shower. went to class. came back, and fell asleep. boy was i beat. now ive got a full day ahead of me. was going to call a friend, perhaps two, but... i don't really know anymore. i went through high school never calling a soul: people always called ME. as much as i complained about it then, i now realize how much it really meant to me. the feeling of being wanted, needed; people wanted to be in my presence
haha... gettin back to the sleep shit. i got a bit, and im unstable.. could rage at any moment, scared our RA by throwing a knife at her... creeped myself out to tell the truth. BUTCHER+SLAUGHTER HUMAN BEINGS INDISCRIMINATLY! ‘you say its a good thing. you float in the air. that way there is no way that i can crush your pretty toenails into a thousand pieces' OFFICIALS DENY KNOWLEDGE! i passed out on my keyboard today. some guy from down the hall woke me up. i had written ‘seadeasdsaedeads' for like, 15 pages. i guess im losing it.
i dont understand some people. and i wish i did. i care about these people, and they keep doing fucking retarded shit. now i know what my parents go through when im found passed out. WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THIS TO THEIR LIFE? it completely blows my mind. discarding any future for yourself in favor of a life that will ditch you on the side of the road after a year or two just isnt intelligent. why can't she simply get it in her head that, yes, she is a moron, and yes, she can't make the right decision. damn.
you know... why do i ever even get concerned with other peoples business. i mean, it's not like i make a practice of it, but i suppose its human nature to have feelings of empathy. but fuck it all, it doesnt help them, and it sure as hell doesnt add to my well being. so my new stance on life is thus: when cabinet holding the expensive china gets unlocked, and the plates get carried out, I will not be the one to clean up the glass once they have broken into a thousand pieces. piano my peace of mind.
heh. ha. hoo! boo! disorganized ramblings aimed at YOU, slowly versed rhyme speeding at 75. oh well. played some violent femmes. didn't give a shit about anything. incorporated the funk accidentaly, damn the combine. i want someone to establish some security for myself, just in case i ever malfunction for good. i get these concerns sober, they disappear when altered. in any way. im confused as to what to do with life. its interesting how vast the change from day to day moods is, but thats just the way a mind works. im steadily growing bored of myself. it sucks.
boy that would be fun. listening to someone saying orange for an hour or so. just the same word. repeated. watch his aura glow and morph. but uhh... boomerclad joints kinda hit harsh, so i dunno whether or not to support their campaigns. oohhh that pisses me off. fuck campaigns. fuck all of them , and their candidates. some things make me really angry. it might be an unconscious response to mental anguish, but regardless, it makes me feel a bit better. stupid fuckers. i hate everyone of them. i hate myself for swearing to much. mad shapes in the air.
bold strides towards freedom. breathing softly. the air shimmers and glows. cars breathe. it all moves symphonically. water trickles into my thoughts, moistening my cerebellum. wait for the phone to ring before you take that step. wait... nevermind that. cut it out of the script, I never heard of scripts like these before. who writes this crap any how? some underpaid temp i assume. why can't they pay these fuckers more, and get better results? no one wants an asparagas flavored danish. so next time use patience when confronting your boss. keep your old friends new. i'm trying my best...
calmly rotating thoughts, round round round. its all about the anger. the anger towards situations that are not under my control. i can't particularly focus right now... its all flickering like a flame, veering from side to side. ugh, i just got distracted again. this is terrible, all loss of coherent anything... whoa, i just returned something to the guy down the hall. what a good brek between uhh... stuff. oh dear. i want to listen to some good music. like maybe some bush... or dorfmeister... or maybe some violin shit. like some real smooth mello jazz shit. oh yeah.
well now, i am extremely ripped right now. i am not even watching the computer screen. i am typig while watching my friemd fuck around with his god damned machine/ and my other friend david is doing weird stuff. and they killed all the sorceresses. and davie d is looking at me right now. i do not know what is going on!!! what is happening to david! he is doing really fuckked up shit?!!!! oh dear crap fest! david has completely lost his god damned lexmark 2345. whoa... just got out of that whole schpeel. pardon the multiple french usage.
mapping the controversy. only reason i woke up this morning was to prevent further dreaming. it gets irritating when you can't have nice dreams no more. things dun git confuzed an shit. i said, ,hey man, you got something fer this? hellz yeah! least, thats what he said. i dinna say a thing. i just sat there and observed, even if i was the protagonist. heh. makes me chuckle thinking about it. they were all sheep. stupid sheep. some people don't have the resources to live like that. they do it anyway though. i laugh in their faces. DEAD FACES.
resurrection of a former phyiscal. i wonder oft-times about the hours spent laughing. god damn. we traveled more trails than anyone ever had= in the shortest span of time that we became ‘cal. i can count adventure after adventure. the violins get emotional now. we both realize what happened now. how could somethign like that do something like this. but it was obviously meant to be, question posed, question answered. so now when we meet, verbalizations are minimum. but my eyes greet their opponents, and twinkle with countless fanciful realities. if ever a twix was split, as was this nougat.
i dont understand the process. what makes people attracted to each other? what gives that extra little nudge that pushes the mental into the physical? call me modest, or even slightly insecure, but i cannot see how anyone could meet me, and think, ‘oh, i'd like to be his friend', or ‘oh, i'd like to be his close friend'. even then... what maintains that bond? why does it get broken? and why do some never get broken? i know why i maintain the relationships I do, but what is their side of it? why do these people choose my companionship?
no problem.listening to fuarg.. i cvannot do this! im too drunk.. ill probably regret this later, a wasted chance at describing myself in 2100 words... oh well, i could care less really dont mind me i am just trying to enjoy things as they are enjoyment you know. i just got accepted to be part of a fiction review team for something called earthwords. that should be incredibly cool. then i can prove myself right and make like a prom dress and take off. damn i crack myself up sometimes. anyway. i am about to pass out on my keyboard. shit.
oh man. here i sit, with my chin on my desk. staring up at this thing called a monitor. contemplating life. what is it all? i get confused sometimes, and lose my way. its always my bros that bring me back and keep me on the level. i need more . my keyboard is black. the letters are white. my computer is an orange imac. its a good machine. i wouldnt trade him for anything. unless it was a better computer, or osmething worth while. heck, i'd trade this piece of ungrateful shit for a bowl of chicken ramen. mmmh, yum!
here it ends. maybe. maybe i will take it another day. this streak ive been doing. i consumed some hallucinagens on wednesday. been drinking and smoking like i normally do. just im tripping at the same time. my friends don't under stand it. fuck. this is a really weak post. my floor is wet. the carpet is soggy. our ceiling caved in last night. seems the people above us had some water troubles. maintenance still hasnt fixed it. i could get irritated at this, but i wont. probably not anyway. im lazy like that. but im not always lazy. or?
morning bells sound in my consciousness.the pen just does not stop, you have to write. everything seems to fit. thats the thing, we have the time to mellow out togethor, we arent misconceptualized. to draw the shape of your head, the style of your face. the smiles i still taste. i cant name the smiles, it no longer seems that person i saved, was the person i'd keep. only your still falling, it wasnt you anyways. so leave it be. move over tears. the universe is leaking, i can see its fluid slurp out. prevent the evil ones from entering.
i saw it yesterday, flying by the window of my head. and i was so very pleased to have arrived at someplace so soon. where has the divorce taken us all? i'd get confused by my own writing if i only took the time to look back and contemplate, but i do that too often despite what I might say. so as a rule of thumb, ignore what i say, ignore me when i turn to you and say, ‘i wish we could go on like this forever'. its a shame this cant be dedicated to someone, for what is?
considered tapsising off into the valley of other worlds, yet a simple feigning of indifference fixed that immediatly. i try to speak with respect towards all i meet, yet it never comes out the way ive intended it too. that has some extremely frusterating aspects, ones that bother me to no end. i'm distracted right now, something that you may or may not notice. of course you couldnt notice, its all read the same. i wonder, as this is the last of the september batch, if upon reflection i'll find my posts rhetorical and confusing? i sure hope i dont.
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