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03/01 Direct Link
Last Friday I said yes on the spur of the moment can I get ready in five minutes to drive with him to Mesa, Arizona in his pickup truck his Harley in the back stopping in LA to get his son who is almost four who lives with his auntie because his father cannot care for him since the mother left when the boy was only eight months old driving through the night to get there in time for the Mexican fiesta on Saturday with all of the family and friends no one speaking English and me the only gringa.
03/02 Direct Link
I read Runes this afternoon for a lovely young woman artist who is at a turning place in her life feeling like she is possessed by her possessions feeling like she is somehow obligated in her relationship afraid she will never find another man who doesn't cheat but she's unhappy questioning the value and purpose of her art troubling over how to survive financially in the glorious city of San Francisco do we not all ask the same questions and the runes said there are thorns on one side joy on the other reach in the pouch take a chance.
03/03 Direct Link
I read Runes again today for a former student of mine who is a musician singer composer performer who has created and produced a play called the Magdalene Stories she wants to know what's next how does she go on and to where and she drew the Ur rune the ancient auroch the wild untamed power of a creature now extinct and she drew the Odal rune about home ancestry and inheritance and she drew the Asa rune the mouthpiece the spokesperson and god said let it be so step into the brilliance of who she is destined to be.
03/04 Direct Link
I still don't want to work not now maybe not ever never again can I find a way to do the things I love that make my happy that feed me that make my heart sing have money flow to me at the same time perhaps from because of doing being the things I love or perhaps from a source I do not know cannot name I am restless wanting still to travel to go to visit friends in Las Vegas in Florida go to cowboy poetry gatherings go to a writer's retreat in the desert go back to Italy.
03/05 Direct Link
Stormy windswept rocky coastline of California north of San Francisco winding narrow highway 1 heading up the coast past Tomales Point Reyes Point Reyes Station Dillion Beach Dogtown Olema past Green Gulch Zen Center Valley Ford eucalyptus trees dairies we stopped for a late lunch we stopped for coffee the academy awards was on TV in the restaurant where we had coffee it was getting late it was getting dark and she said drive slowly carefully I can see that something will cross the road we were thinking it would be an animal but soon discovered it was flood waters.
03/06 Direct Link
My daughter had a dream last night she sat up in bed holding out her cupped hands and saying to me I am so sorry about your eyeballs they are covered in dirt I'm afraid you can't see they must really hurt I am sorry I dropped them and the same night across the ocean in Nederland her husband had a dream he was in a handcar on a railroad track with obviously black people who said they were going on a journey to discover if they were black, Chinese or from Austria and they let him drive for awhile.
03/07 Direct Link
He had surgery just a week ago the incision on his neck slightly to the left side still bruised red swollen small bristle hairs beginning to grow he cannot turn his head easily nor speak strongly the pain is still intense so he is taking too many pain pills his stomach is upset they scraped away bone spurs and calcium deposits and cleaned up places where the disks had bulged out and the nerves were compressed so he hopes the numbness constant pain will be no more I took him to lunch and I weep still when I see him.
03/08 Direct Link
We aren't together anymore he says he still loves me loves me more than her just in a different way we will always be friends we got tattooed together the same one a skull with dark tribal lines behind it mine on my right arm just below the elbow his on the left arm same place if we walk together our arms touch our skulls touch he promised with the tattoo that he will never push me out of his life again just because she is afraid and jealous we are still connected I feel his pain in my body.
03/09 Direct Link
I rode the motorcycle over to his house yesterday afternoon he said she hadn't been there since Sunday he was sick to his stomach taking too many pain pills not eating enough could I bring some ginger ale no he didn't need want anything else I stayed longer than I thought I would he kept talking felt so needy it got dark was raining a bit Martin called left me a message that he wanted me to come over and spend the night so while he was in the garage smoking a cigarette I called Martin back and said yes.
03/10 Direct Link
My daughter and I left this afternoon from Santa Rosa for Los Angeles drove down the center crease of California called the central valley cows grazing on green rolling hills lambs running in pastures miles and miles of orchards in bloom pink white it hailed so hard the normally 70 mph traffic on Interstate 5 slowed to 45 and as we started up the Grapevine after dark it began to snow and we creeped our way up to the over 4000 feet summit along with thousands of other surprised travelers then dropped down into the dusted white Los Angeles basin.
03/11 Direct Link
Saturday night we all go to dinner but there is very little to chose from here in Canyon Country north of LA where son #2 lives in his new house son #1 drives up with his girlfriend partner mate to meet us and only daughter/sister in the middle who is married lives in Nederland artistic sensitive less social is a bit overwhelmed by her brothers and their friends their lifestyle we ate at a steak house with sawdust on the floor iceberg lettuce salads deep fried appetizers the bartender remembered me from my last visit how ya doing Mom.
03/12 Direct Link
The day isn't over but I will write about it anyway cold crisp weather windy high clouds tired from staying out late from drinking more than my usual daughter off to see brother #1 and girlfriend partner mate to do some hiking in the hills there are no hills in Nederland only flat expanses of sand and sand dunes she misses the wildness of California the variety the freedom of having a car and she is missing her husband she has been gone since January 30 and he says it is time to come home she is returning isn't she.
03/13 Direct Link
Amazingly quiet here at son #2's house after such a whirlwind hectic weekend with lots of movie watching eating drinking poker playing talking music listening and now all friends and family have gone off to work with the exception of me Mom and sister in the middle who drove to Santa Monica to visit a friend which leaves me in fact as the only person in this great big over 4000 square feet house with music piped into every room and dimmer switches on all the overhead lights unless you count the kitty who thinks she is a person.
03/14 Direct Link
We decided to drive into the San Gabriel Mountains yesterday just to explore the terrain which changed mile by mile from desert to evergreens yucca plants and rocky outcrops the higher we climbed the more snow there was we drove along #2 expecting we could exit on the Palmdale side only to discover after crossing Cloudburst summit that the road was closed blocked by heavy snow that had not been plowed had to turn around retrace our steps tire tracks no place to stop and hike as there was too much snow who knew such wilderness so close to LA.
03/15 Direct Link
Now we are studying maps trying to decide if we will drive to Las Vegas to visit a friend drive to Death Valley to explore it when the weather is not too hot possibly stop in Red Rock Canyon wander around there a bit still undecided if we will head up to the Reno area visit my brother and his wife as well as the dog's grave then swing over to Redding to see friends then back down to Santa Rosa but not too soon as according to my roommate it is still raining daily so we aren't missing much.
03/16 Direct Link
Red Rock Canyon State Park layers of ancient riverbeds silt mud boulders deposited lifetime after lifetime then covered with years of lava flow I saw no evidence of fossils but an amazing variety of rocks stones at some point in the undetermined past the earth lifted up tilted moved by some shifting fault line exposing stripes rose quartz red clay black lava pumice gray mud now wind and water have weathered into all manner of shapes spires penises stove pipes cloaked men heavy bottomed women lizards climbing upwards I walked for hours wandering alternating between following trails and stories (thiscontinuesonthenextday)
03/17 Direct Link
in the washes and canyons or looking upward shielding from the glare to be inspired by each uprising cathedral long eared rabbits small rodents quickly disappearing reptiles evidence in scat of predatory creatures coyote perhaps and every where at every turn feeling the eyes the presence of desert beings marking my passing my presence I sat on a river bank with my eyes closed silent in silence opened them after an unmeasurable amount of time found myself in another place disoriented shimmering my return happened slowly slightly sunburned most definitely wind chapped satisfyingly tired at the end of the day.
03/18 Direct Link
I have a friend who lives in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico she has written to me again extending the invitation to come stay with her live with her she has a guest house casita above the stable that is mine for as long as I want and she says life is slow and simple there joyful peaceful she can see me writing we would drink our morning coffee on the terrrace watching men plow fields with oxen getting ready to plant corn I might be able to teach english for sure I would be able to improve my spanish.
03/19 Direct Link
What would it mean if I decided to move to Mexico who would I tell what and who would I miss and who would I not miss how long would I stay how short would I get there and not want to return what if I absolutely hate it could I consider going to the university there to get a dregree or could I go to school and improve my Spanish do I have the right clothing to wear the right shoes should I take my dictionaries some yarn or travel light without any baggage from my past/present life.
03/20 Direct Link
She wrote and said to me just get on the plane and come for what might be your next grand adventure and my mind said should I be suspicious shouldn't I be more cautious, shouldn't I be more responsible and there must be some trick here I don't see that someone would just offer me a place to live and not expect anything from me want nothing in return and as you might guess my mind is not my ally nor my friend in fact most of the time it is a dangerous neighborhood I just shouldn't go into alone.
03/21 Direct Link
Of course I have already started to worry about Gretta and what I will do with her about her as I don't feel ready to give her up and I still owe money and if I leave her behind it needs to be a safe space but even then it could be a problem for someone if they needed to move her and didn't know how to handle such a large motorcycle also it isn't the best to leave a bike parked even with the trickle charger for the battery it is better if someone rides it once in awhile.
03/22 Direct Link
I sent an email to my youngest son telling him about the invitation to Mexico and asking him if he would want/like to take Gretta for me as I know he has been considering buying a Harley of his own and my Softail Deluxe is big enough for him to ride even if it isn't the style he has been considering besides he has a garage where he can park it so his answer back was go to Mexico mom if that feels right and of course I will keep the bike for you how long will you stay.
03/23 Direct Link
Thirty-eight years ago today I was married here in Santa Rosa in the afternoon the wind was blowing it blew my veil off as I got out of the car to go inside for the ceremony there were over 200 people friends family who came to witness this event just imagine me marrying a man from a Communist country how did I meet him how long had we known each other who would have thought such a thing where were we planning to live didn't I make a lovely bride how nice to have my older sister there with me.
03/24 Direct Link
This afternoon I walked downtown to Peet's coffee to meet someone it was raining lightly so everyone was sitting inside no free tables so I asked a woman if I could join her while I was waiting for my friend she noticed my necklace I told her it was a triple Artemis she asked if I related to her I said yes women today are afraid to walk alone in nature Artemis reminds us that even though she was a strong woman she was protected she walked in nature with a wolf/dog as well as a bow and arrow.
03/25 Direct Link
My sister gifted her gentleman friend an older man born in 1935 a Rune reading for his birthday he said yes and later after the reading admitted to being a bit nervous skeptical unsure of what to expect yet was surprised amazed at the magic the simplicity how accurate it was how much insight he gained how clear it was to him which stones wanted to be pulled from the pouch I always ask at the beginning what do you want from this reading and from the answer I see the pattern in which the stones want to be placed.
03/26 Direct Link
I rode Gretta to Martin's house this morning the weather was glorious we were going to ride but first we washed our bikes to get the mud dust off from the last rain storm he showed me where some of my chrome was spotted and a few places where it was beginning to rust and corrode later in the evening when we returned he helped me do some polishing we laughed at the picture of a guy helping his girlfriend clean her bike not too many years ago she had to polish chrome to earn the right to ride behind.
03/27 Direct Link
I spent the night we watched TV he called his brother in Mexico he gets up at 4:30 it is still dark I stay under the covers he has to drive about an hour to work at Mare Island it used to be a Naval shipyard now skeleton buildings with empty dry docks used for submarine building/repair large warehouses with overhead cranes that can lift over 50,000 pounds he took me there one time to see where he works to show me the motorcycle he is building the truck he is fixing to race again in the desert
03/28 Direct Link
My daughter and I walked along Santa Rosa Creek this afternoon evidence of recent flooding hanging in the bushes and trees plastic bags articles of clothing debris fallen trees sticks twigs piled up in various places some parts of the path are secluded hidden a feeling of danger if walking alone which led to another rich conversation about women walking alone being afraid and why that is and why we are suspicious of some behaviors and not others of some men and not others and how much actual danger do we face and how much is are own conditioned response.
03/29 Direct Link
Would you like to come to dinner tonight yes but could you make breakfast instead I rarely get to eat a good breakfast my daughter and roommate were excited about the idea I made waffles with real maple syrup Irish butter unsalted naturally smoked bacon from the health food store no nitrates scrambled eggs organic free range organic fresh ground coffee in the new French press I had to buy because the old one finally gave up we all ate our fill laughing that somehow we might be breaking an unspoken rule that says breakfast cannot be eaten for dinner.
03/30 Direct Link
Martin left at 5:00 for work riding the Harley it takes him almost 20 minutes just to put on all his gear leathers rain pants it is cold so early in the morning and it was raining I got up later loaded all our gear into his truck drove down to Mare Island met him and Craig loaded the race truck onto the trailer headed south just in time to hit rush hour traffic along 580/680 corridor drove over the Tehachipi pass light rain getting dark deciding finally we needed to stop for the night get a motel.
03/31 Direct Link
We left the motel in Bakersfield heading toward Barstow stopped in the town of Mohave for breakfast arrived at the race track around noon already it was humming buzzing with quads dirt bikes dune buggies and trucks Craig and Martin backed their truck off the trailer made two trial runs around the thirty some odd mile track to check out the terrain get a feeling for time excited anticipatory storm clouds darkening the sky an ice cold wind blowing up dirt and sand adding to the dust from the cars we struggled fought with the wind putting up our tents.