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Well, I must say, I am proud of myself right now. I just finished viewing my 100 words entries for the month of February online. My work is now on the Internet for others to read! I actually accomplished something and it feels good. This is a boost, which was sorely needed and overdue. A lady in my writers group told me about the site and I thought that it would be a great way to get me started with writing everyday, and it has worked. Looking forward to the months ahead and all of the writing it will bring.
Being positive and staying focused is much more productive than wallowing in self- pity. I can appreciate though how easy it is to get discouraged or depressed because I have been there lately. It can be so easy to turn things around though with a little belief in yourself. Just a few days ago I was in a very negative state of mind. When I laid down that night and prayed, I decided that I had experienced enough negativity and self-doubt, and decided to make a change. It really is in our control to make things better in our lives.
I wish that I were a better decision maker. Whenever a choice comes up for something like a job, I get this knot in my gut and just dread having to make a decision. My mind goes into overdrive, I can't slow it down & I get worried about making the wrong choice, about what other people will think and what I should really be doing. Maybe it is just a matter of confidence in myself. I let other people change my mind once I've made a decision and need to stop doing that. More confidence in myself is necessary.
What a nice morning, well except for the fact that Dwayne gave me a heart attack by standing right beside the bed when I was waking up. I had breakfast made for me, my favorite station was on in the kitchen, which he doesn't like by the way; just a nice relaxing start to the day. How refreshing, I hope the rest of the day continues along the same path. Could I hope for so much? The day will tell. Last night Hannah and I had our own private party while daddy was sleeping. Dancing, playing and just having fun.
I wish that I could just turn my mind off at night time. It seems that as soon as I lay down, my mind starts going a million miles a minute. What is most aggravating about it is that often times, the same information keeps playing over and over again and won't seem to stop. Can this be productive? I don't like to have to depend on medication to do anything, but I need to learn to relax. Maybe some meditation techniques would be helpful for me, they certainly couldn't hurt! There is definitely too much going on up there.
What good is it to wind yourself down for a good night's sleep when your child won't stay sleeping? Some nights Hannah wakes up numerous times crying and I have to go into her room to get her to go back to sleep. Some nights she wakes up three times in a matter of an hour, so I just end up laying down with her. Is she having bad dreams and just looking for attention? Not sure, but I need to figure it out so I can get some sleep. Guess its back to the drawing board for a solution.
Difficult situations are not made any easier when we start pointing fingers. It's such an easy thing to do, but as they say, when you're pointing your finger at someone else, you've got four more fingers pointing back at you. Taking your share of the blame isn't necessarily a pleasurable thing to do, but it is the right thing to do. After all, how will we ever grow if we can not admit to our shortcomings? No one ever said it would be easy, but anything worthwhile never is. Isn't that what life is about after all, growth that is?
Lack of respect for adults is all too common a phenomena among children today. What I'm wondering though, is when did we lose it. When I was living at home with my parents, which wasn't that long ago, I wouldn't have thought of disrespecting them by talking back to them, today it seems second nature for children to do this. When did we lose control, and how do we get it back? I find these phenomena very infuriating and an indicator of just how our society is decaying. Too strong a word, I don't think so, take a look around.
Don't you just feel so much better when you are focused and motivated? It's just so much more productive than sitting around feeling sorry for yourself in whatever your current misfortune is. A person can only take so much of moping around, at least that's how I feel, and then you realize that you need to make a change. You realize that your current state of mind is not accomplishing anything, and you need to do something different. Now if I could just remember this, I would actually spend less time moping and more time making changes for the better!
What a great writer's group meeting last night! Three new members, getting to lead for a bit and as usual, lots of ideas and inspiration. That's what I love about that group, is the exchange of ideas and the inspiration that results from it. I've learned of resources and possibilities that I may not have been exposed to otherwise. What a blessing! I wish that I had more contact with these people, because I love the feeling I get when we're together and the ideas are flowing. Now there is also the opportunity to become vice president, look out Windsor!
I'm starting to have mixed feelings about greater involvement in my writer's group. Up until now the president has been taking on all of the responsibility, but now with the group growing she wants to delegate some responsibilities. Makes sense, but when I make offers to help my offers are either brushed aside or I am expected to outline and defend why I want to hold a certain position or take part in a particular project. I'm about ready to ask her, do you want my help or not? She wants help but doesn't seem to want to relinquish control.
I am getting really impatient for spring. I've had way too much of this winter weather and need to see the green leaves and flowers popping up through the ground! I am not a winter person, could you tell? I love getting in my flowerbeds, planting and weeding and admiring. The weeding part I could do with a little less of, but I just enjoy being in nature when the weather is nice. Not too hot mind you, because that sucks too. Enjoying and nurturing our world is something that we could all stand to do a little more of.
Hoping that things start coming together this week. I have an interview for a part time job tomorrow, funny that I finally got an interview in a real estate office after all this time! I hope that something breaks soon because the finances are starting to get a little scary and it will get even scarier when my employment insurance runs out. Even just getting a few kids signed up for the childcare would be good! I'll keep plugging along, something will happen, because I will make it happen! Things certainly don't happen when you just sit back and wait!
Had an interview today for a part time office job, let's keep those fingers crossed! It's been a long six months and a job would be a real blessing at this point. A lot has happened in that time, and I'm ready for things to start looking up. My writing routine is finally starting to come together and I'm sure good things will come from that. I have faith that this is what I'm meant to do and will put my heart and soul into it to make it work. I wish I had the foresight to realize this sooner.
Some people have a more difficult time than others admitting that they've made a mistake. They'll get defensive and lash out, but won't admit that they've done anything wrong. In other words, they refuse to take responsibility for their actions. No one is perfect last I checked and it's inevitable that we'll make mistakes. Admitting to this and learning from it can help us grow as individuals, whereas not admitting to it just leads to defensiveness and bitterness. Which camp would you prefer to be in? Personally, I'd prefer to learn from my mistakes rather than be bitter about them.
Something a little different today...
Where is the excitement in my life?
I feel it has left me by the wayside
Being unemployed does not help
But I guess I can still make my own fun
If you want something you have to go out and get it
That is the old adage
So I guess I have to get off my butt
Go out and make it happen
Your life is what you make it
It seems I haven't made much of it lately
For I feel as though I'm in a slump
Of this I am certain
I'm not feeling particularly motivated today. Maybe my lack of sleep is catching up with me; maybe it's also the lack of a job. Some days are better than others. Just have to keep plugging along I guess. Wondering lately why people don't stay in touch with me and I have to call them if I want to get together or talk. Is there something about me that they don't like that I am not aware of. Part of me would like to ask; then again you should be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it.
No word on a job yet, man is this getting exhausting. I am going to make this childcare venture work and I also have a little side gig I am working on. I just finished reading The 5 Lessons a Millionaire Taught Me About Life and Wealth and got some ideas about increasing your income. One was selling homemade jewelry at flea markets. I may try that, but what I think I really want to focus on is selling used books. Lots of people like to read and can't afford to buy new books, and that's where I come in!
Do you have someone in your life that works at getting under your skin? Does that same person or someone else make you feel uncomfortable about just being yourself? Is there a great deal of tension when you are around this person? Well, I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one in this circumstance. It really is quite frustrating and just makes me want to scream sometimes. Yes, that bad! Why do two people bang their heads continually when it's obvious that they are not compatible? I think I know the answer but I don't particularly like it.
Betrayal, one of the most stabbing, hurtful things that a person can inflict upon you, especially when it's family. I think that is the worst sort of betrayal when a family member sells you out. Why is it that the people who are supposed to love and support each other the most end up hurting each other the most? Families are supposed to be the people who you can depend on with certainty when the going gets rough, not the ones you have to be most suspicious of. Why do we do this to each other? Jealousy, greed, misplaced intentions?
What do you do when your family turns on you? Just suck it up and move on? Too bad it's not quite that simple. First you have to sort through your anger and feelings of betrayal, then get to why it happened, if you can figure that out. Speaking your mind to the person who turned on you is ultimately what needs to happen, but this will take some strength and courage to face. If you make an effort to understand and try to sort things out, that's all you can really do. It does take two as they say.
What do you do when you find out that someone can't stand you? Especially when you thought they were your friend. Stabbed in the back yet again! I never did anything to her, or maybe I did, and am not even aware of it. I wish that people would just be straight up instead of talking behind your back, that is so cowardly, and I am so tired of it. People stand in judgement of other people when they are no better themselves. Since when are people the judge and jury anyway, doesn't that job belong to someone else?
What a day today! It started off great with Hannah and Rachel having a ball, especially when they were playing outside. Then I had a burst water pipe in the basement, a slight flood situation and the inescapable cleanup. Later there was the evening out with the kids. That's right, I took the kids out for dinner while Dwayne went to a meeting. They played for a long time at McDonalds, then we did some shopping and they actually behaved pretty well. Amazing! There was also the email about my column, which was a welcome surprise that made me smile.
Life is a journey, and the journey is from who we are to who we are meant to be. I heard this line in a movie today and thought, "how true."What a journey it is too. Depending on how open we are to challenges and changes in our life it can be a smoother or a rockier journey. Mine has been rocky and filled with potholes as well. I need courage and conviction to take real steps toward who I am meant to be, and I have been lacking in both of those lately. Fear has been controlling me.
Why does he feel the need to continually pick and poke at me? Is it some sort of sick thrill that gives him pleasure? It's getting really old and I'm getting really tired of it. Everything is a joke; nothing is out of the realm of possibility. There is one set of rules for him and another for me. Right, like that's going to fly. I live in a constant state of agitation and frustration that rarely seems to leave me. What a wonderful way to live my life. I'm tired of being belittled and disrespected. It needs to stop.
Another day of frustration and anger, will it ever end? I can tell you when it will end, when I say its over, that's when. Lack of communication, lack of respect, lack of quality time spent together on our own, and lack of things in common; these are the issues. If I don't take the steps to try to overcome these issues, he certainly won't. He just drifts along from day today expecting everything to be fine, the problems to disappear, but guess what, they don't. Everything is blamed on me and my shoulders won't take the load anymore.
What a high! I just logged onto 100words.net and saw that one of my entries was the featured entry! What a great feeling to have your work recognized and know that other people are reading it! If that wasn't enough to make my day, I then got a call for an interview, which is just as good, if not better news! What a great day so far, I really need this! The weekend sucked, with all the tension and arguing, but today is better. This could be the start of a roll, so let's keep on going! Yeah for today!
It's interview day today, and I really need a job! If I want it too much though it's fairly likely that I won't get it, because that is what usually happens to me. My problem is the reason why I lost my last job, I think this has been a factor in why I'm not getting rehired, particularly in real estate offices. The issue was a technical one with the phones and not my fault, even though it was made out to be. Maybe I didn't fight as hard as I could have to defend myself and keep that job.
I was a mess last night after I found out that I didn't get the job that I interviewed for yesterday. I had a really good feeling that I was going to get it, but of course someone else beat me out as usual. They're keeping my application in case the other girl doesn't work out, because they did feel I was a good candidate, so I guess that counts for something. It still doesn't change the fact that I don't have a job yet, and that I have no money coming in because my unemployment is being held up.
What am I feeling today? That's always the question when I sit down to do this entry. Sometimes the question barely has a chance to cross my mind before I start writing; other days it requires a little more thought. Yesterday's nice weather did wonders to lift my spirits, although my situation still remains the same. I didn't think that starting a childcare business from my home would be so difficult, I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Advertising, business cards, word of mouth, and still only one child. Admitting defeat is something I'm not prepared to do just yet.
Some days I wonder how I pick one thing to write about considering how much is going through my mind. I guess what is predominant at the moment is what tends to win. Today is one of those days though that my mind is a jumbled mess. There are issues surrounding family, work, home and health, but I don't know which one to zero in on. Maybe I could actually sort some things out in my life if there weren't so many things jumbled up in my head. Focus is of the essence and I don't seem to have it.
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