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11/01 Direct Link

so the irony is I've just gotten the poetry back and here I am again supplanting it, so partof the commitment this time willbe to make have assure room for both
and damnif it isn't mostly conjuring lending support&credence again to the notion that I only need to show up and allow the story to tell itself and the characters to speak for themselves, all I needed was the corner of the hankie and by god the rabbits are jumping
too funny I got literally and figuratively to the now what do I do spot and well there was Hestor
11/02 Direct Link

I voted today &I think of TobyKeith&theDixieChicks and RogerWaters and I think of suffrage, I think of DollyPardon singing StairwaytoHeaven and I think of balls I think of FrancisScottKey and the nation for which it stands divisible under God, I voted today and I come to realize the power and inalienableright and fundamentalequality my mark gives me, I voted today and I'm amazed at how long I stood for being a dilettante, I voted today: it is not the same as nationalism but is its saving grace

I voted today and no one can say it doesn't make a difference
11/03 Direct Link

we got a victoria's secret catalogue in the mail yesterday and the trouble with victoria's secret is there's no damn secret at all, it's all so up in your face with no room for mystery instead slathered with sultry and petulant to last till the cows come home or at least until gw and his cronies are out of office but by then make nomistake, there'll be no more victoria or her secrets that the likes of you and me will be privy to

hell fact is there'll be very little that the likes ofyou&me will be privy to atall
11/04 Direct Link

I'm in shock&awe, and amidst conversation about sin&redemption come to see how it came to pass, asin came tobe understood and passedoff as, that Jesus died for all poor sinners...and come tosee yetagain how powerful a bludgeon it is in the hands of those who are anything but Christly...there is an evil afoot and make no mistake, there will be just desserts, we will reap what has been sown, but I say again, not for my sins he didn't
and youall better speak now cause as we saw atleastonce before, it's gonna get worse before it gets worse
11/05 Direct Link

the hills remember green and I have my to do list, start taking iron next week, make appointments for autologous blood donations at $300.00 a pint up front November 22 and November 29 and for lab tests which are MANDATORY including bleeding times and another set of x-rays and I'm on the runway it's tiring but I'm 10,000 words into my novel remembering the poetry doing the laundry and even cooking for chrissakes and otherwise keeping up with behavior becoming a reasonable human being

and I remember, that if I get thehell out of the way it will write itself
11/06 Direct Link

you the new totalknee they asked you'll be glad they were glad tosay glad toshare and I was gladto step in as the initiate as the novitiate glad to partake glad to honor them glad tosee lifeafter a newknee; she'd had both done inside two months, he old enough to be my grandfather &had no one at home to care for him, you figure it out he said, like dankramer said when I was getting all hot&bothered about what to plant when, &you do what you need to do but thedefinitiveword fromto the wise is a reacher/grabber is a must
11/07 Direct Link

I dreamt about him my first husband's best friend our best friend as if I'd been dreaming about him for the last twenty years as if we were still a triangle
I dreamt too about being the other woman to another woman a flaming big shot classy dame who didn't like my trashchique hat & the requisite gallanthero, who might have been a heroine defending my honor, who pfhawed like heddahopper, honey and overheadfingersnapped in one ear and off the duck's back

I knew it was all wrong when I couldn't tell thecabdriver my address
I hadn't forgotten, I'd never known
11/08 Direct Link

it's an interesting thing the parts of the novel that are easy to write the parts that are hard, the parts that flow the parts that are clumsy even from the inside, it's about familiarity and ofcourse I suppose it takes twice as long do it in a language I don't speak the parts that are fun a kick in the ass fun and the parts that carry the melancholy
meantime there are balloons in the fall sky like apparations like dreams making way through a mist giving leaves a run for their money
and absent wine I'll take scotch
11/09 Direct Link

consensus, one of those things that to talk about to write about ought recapitulate embody foreshadow its very innards it is a way and a means a project not an end not a finished product it is not a knowing beyond that I think of omg and the projection of knowing the practice of standing with knowing rather than not knowing and I think of consensus as a finding out I think so long a teacher she is not a good learner, we are just what she needs and her own agenda blinds her from seeing what she is missing
11/10 Direct Link

I begin to not be able to imagine living without pain begin to wonder at the new vision that would be wonder what it will mean what it will free up how it will free me up wonder what it will leave in its place what will take its place wonder how I will recognize this body how I will come to know it as mine
tomorrow I go for labs and will sign up for the next water exercise class; it is full of goodness the people are full of goodness it is good it is good for me
11/11 Direct Link

I was looking for my values yesterday and couldn't find them
ridiculous but true, ridiculous because I can recreate them because I can commit them to paper again because no matter how transcendent they are I'm betting the language will can does change andsomaybe I was looking for the wrong version thinking I might have shorthanded it when more likely I would have billed it as the ways I would could can recognize myself

ridiculous because I use them every day

so it was a goose chase, looking for values blinded by ego
maybe itwas not so ridiculous after all
11/12 Direct Link

so if Thea was the sultry melancholy I was carrying then somehow it dawns on me that Libbie is uproar that could be mistaken for anxiety, she has everyone all fired up, everyone unsettled, looking over their shoulder for what is wrong, what needs fixing and when you get close you see...nothing, that there is nothing; nothing needed nothing doing nothing happening yet the air crackles and she's left her scent behind
she's a shapeshifter she is scary, there it is, she is scary
because she dares you to look into the crystal ball

and one doesn't know how
11/13 Direct Link

so thinking again of the bible as a language i think that I will structure my learning, pattern my study, along the lines of learning any list of vocabulary and so when presented with a new word I will know it well enough to use it in a sentence
today's new word/s were the the road to emmaus (ha when I first heard it I thought it was a story about a man named amodius, boy was I wrong) and the breaking of bread

ha the knowing of and recognition of ones core
the how do you know
the implications
11/14 Direct Link

yesterday was a hard day couldn't get past rise above the self-absorption the you know if we couldn't get you a new knee you'd be disabled he'd said lightly and try as I do to organize my life so it's not one of those self-evident truths yesterday was one of those days that I was not able for neither love nor money to do some of the things I wanted to or needed to
but
last night I knew in my sleep that for bits of time there was no pain it was a dream
ornot, as the case was
11/15 Direct Link

I'd say again, its hard, confusing, diffusing notknowing whose emotions I carry, or what they represent or if they're cause or effect and it's not the writing that is the problem this time, but not having figured out how to spend time with/in the characters like I did last time starting each day walking with them

stepping away for awhile from Libbie's frenzy sothat I could see remember know that I didn't need to control it or her has been sigh restful, nice to have myown subset back myown vision back

and now that I do, she is more fun
11/16 Direct Link

just as I was getting accustomed to the lay of the days, given the drastic change in our work schedule even though I'm no longer working, I have lost track of them again, havingthought all day yesterday was Friday--since that is the day I was spending with Lady H Thea Libbie Paco Magda Amos Grazie and Janees, this year's dark horse, who came roaringin from I don't know whose imagination but full blown and the foil
who when allelse fails allows morelike ensures the author has her say
how odd, magical that they present themselves and I allbut neverknew
11/17 Direct Link

the LockerRoom
the lot of us rounded bellies breasts graying hair painted toe nails laughter squeals of delight talking sharing yet another communal bath and the doll lady says I'm going to bring you the next one so you can write her story, if it was up to me to write the stories they'd never make it out of the house
I don't write, she said
I do
I got that, she said

I'd never said I was a writer only asked if she knew their--eachone dressed in handmade clothes and wrapped in handmade quilts and receiving blankets--stories
11/18 Direct Link

it's a rollercoaster thing mediated ofcourse by oh any number of things, she says stalling, but pain and its companions fatigue and inyour ha inmy face limits are the biggest offenders it's the other vision of me thing asin having to take to my bed because I walked farther than the shortest distance between two points

meawhile the stair lift has been installed and we went to the total joint replacement patient education class yesterday afternoon: ha maybe that's what put me in bed, you suppose?

and back at the other ranchI've come to find out Libbie is LadyH's niece
11/19 Direct Link

so I've named two of my aides, my cane is Abel and my walker Street, the grabber yet to be

my moods are another thing altogether, mediated by anything ambient, music, sky, wine, gas, iron pills, two more things done, riding up and down the stair lift, 40,000 words and counting

had a concrete moment yesterday at the coffee store when she'd said buying a pound entitles you to a free cup, do you want one? And then when she grabbed a paper one, it took me a * moment * to realize she was going to put coffee in it, ohdeargod
11/20 Direct Link

tiredness a tiredness comes over me that dulls my imagination, or camouflages the starting blocks
so I start a fire and pour a glass of wine hoping to warm my cockles

I'm practicing the stairlift which is about rhythm&pace and using creating new paths, going out the side door rather than the front which for reasons that boggle the dulled imagination somehow seems frightfully more complicated

& I'd expect to have more to show from all the damn iron I'm taking than a sourpuss though, now that I think about it, it's not like I sat on my ass all day
11/21 Direct Link

it's a rollercoaster thing mediated ofcourse by oh any number of things, she says stalling, but pain and its companions fatigue and inyour ha inmy face limits are the biggest offenders it's the other vision of me thing asin having to take to my bed because I walked farther than the shortest distance between two points
meawhile the stair lift has been installed and we went to the total joint replacement patient education class yesterday afternoon: ha maybe that's what put me in bed, you suppose

and back at the other ranchI've come to find out Libbie is LadyH's niece
11/22 Direct Link

the tiredness accumulates accretes over time and takes on a shape a force is a ride all its own larger than the sum of its components is a language of pain and in the we're never going to be combat ready again department I gave blood yesterday and it's taking longer than I would have imagined to rise above iron poor, so I recline and make up and take up reclining princess places and expect wafting feathers and peeled grapes not to mention silk pajamas and breakfast in bed
but then mutable virgo that I am, whoever said I'm notadaptable
11/23 Direct Link

"...would she be willing to choose, change citizenship..."ohmygod as in oh my god as in I just had a gooseflesh oh my god I don't believe it of course moment that last time took me 6 months after the fact to figure out that just now came over me like a well like an ohmygod I don't believe it of course shriek out loud aha moment...so from the concrete disenfranchised disabled in a wheelchair to the broad and expansive citizenship and its rights and responsibilities and the rules governing participation the agreements entered into ornot that sustain belonging
11/24 Direct Link

listening to big mama thornton on thanksgiving eve looking forward&aft thinking of where I've been and where I'm going thinking how good it is I know whereof one speaks when one has nothing to lose taking something apart to see if one can make it better ha so here I am on the brink, 49K plus ha not one but two novels under my belt, and she said something after listening to me talk about reasonable expectations hows that for a dangling participle–making it sound like I was the one who was talking about reasonable expectations...it was not so
11/25 Direct Link

so I did it...though I've not yet having gotten it to where it is I'm going to, but made the 50,000...and beyond that there is the biology of it...so I did it, ha at the risk of ruining my reputation...I prepared our thanksgiving fare, sipping dipping of course into the cooking wine, BMT blaring in the background and me in the foreground rolling around on a chairwithwheels but not a wheelchair, there somehow of course being a huge difference and everything being perfect in the world paul went to find just the right wave it not being there notwithstanding
11/26 Direct Link

a perfect day after thanksgiving didn't even write actually read thinking I was going to pay ha attention to how he (james burke lee) did certain things like move the story along but nope was just a reader whore reading for the simple pleasure of it not looking over his shoulder to see when and how or if he described his characters main or otherwise and hanging on the turn of a good phrase like "why is it I always have the sense you glow with blue fire while the rest of us bumble our way through the moral wilderness?"
11/27 Direct Link

I'm pleased to say that we, the cats and I, are reaching a preliminary detente on the prime real estate at the end of the bed yet onemore thang in the preparing for surgery department and we had the first rain so I wasable topractice the stair lift in the rain and paul enjoying the clusterfuck of the side door egress put a staging table at the bottom of the stairs...and for all of it a year after my right rotator cuff repair I still reach with my left hand, so I'm thinking there is hope for learning newtricks
11/28 Direct Link

a cold winter day crisp and bright no wind, fortified with fire and iron with conversation and writing I am getting things in order, preparing spaces, making spaces for reconstruction, for the intrinsic biology of it all for the time it takes to undergo a new understanding of order
in mythology no distinction is made between the moth and in science the propensity of a system to be sensitive to initial conditions gives rise to the notion that tornadoes in one part of the world can be caused by butterfly wings flapping in another
it will be below freezing tonight
11/29 Direct Link

got the geraniums and my tender potted red leafed clover plant all tucked in though the lemon&lime trees are on their own and brought the maidenhair fern inside and already paul is complaining its tendrils being all jungle like are doing the grab ass thing every time he walks by and post blood letting or giving or recycling as the case may be I'm a languishing princess taken to the sofa littered with pillows&cats once again–it certainly does drain ones humors for better or worse not that I'm humorless just unbalanced as in a pint short of a full load
11/30 Direct Link

humors
sanguine, or less so yesterday and today I'm more so and I think of attitude and theater pollyanna choleric; fervent bad tempered phlegmatic; unemotional melancholic; despondent

we can twist ourselves into more knots than any one else we live in the familiar miseries of our choosing getting out is so much harder than crawling in

I am afraid from time to time of all the things that could possibly go wrong but boy is that ever a waste of time, and the even bigger waste of time is sitting on my ass waiting for it to be over with