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It was one of those beautiful days. Rare for me. It began with love-making, and continued with possibilities and plans for the future, included a nap, and ended with good food, and creativity. A girl's dream. I still felt uncertain, but happier than yesterday. I felt like I was seeing more clearly today. Not muddled in the confusion of too much to do, and tedious things at that. Labor Day weekend was here; and despite the long weekend staring me in the face and mocking me for having so little planned, I was secretly really enjoying the lack of commitments.
God, it's hot as hell. Labor day. I should be somewhere else. Instead, I sit in this sauna of a living room that is still, despite all my efforts, yellow. God. The fan is doing all it can. Which consists of blowing 95 degree heat at me. Period. This damned house with bad fucking electricity! How long am I gonna stress over that? Too much work to do to escape to a movie again today. He's outside coaching the supermodel. Do supermodels sweat? Probably not. No body fat. Well, six more weeks and I won't be able to imagine this.
Wow. Dark. It's one annoyance after another. I was thinking it was the heat, but there's no way. That's the initial disturbance upon waking up, but my sensitivity beyond that is like a runaway train. And it feeds upon itself. The negative state is cumulative and it spirals. My first class was last night, and despite Stuart's incredibly inspiring words, my work was less than powerful. I felt a blanket of mediocrity thrown over me, and it stayed there. It wasn't shit, but it's most likely affecting today. Do I enjoy this hateful filter? It's a constant furrowed brow existence.
Everything costs so much. I do need to make some money. I have this dilemma, definitely. Kim and Joan want me why? Because I worked, at one point. They're not what I need, though. I need change. Better jobs. I need more clout. I also really want to like my representation. I need to. It's too awful otherwise. So, do I even venture into this craziness again? Why? Money. But, what does it cost me emotionally until then? What are my priorities? Today was okay, but it would've been better had it not been so long. I really felt it.
She didn't know many people there. It was night, and the structure was castle-like, very gothic. Decadence everywhere. They had slipped away. She was offered his hand and eagerly took hold, obviously being led to his suite. She'd seen this look before. They moved in slow motion. The passion that ensued was the most powerful experience she'd had that she could recall. In this moment, she realized she'd made a conscious choice to leave that uncontrolled, sexual openness behind in favor of the safety and calm of adulthood. Yet here she was now, feeling more than she had in years.
I wonder what it's like to be her. It seems lonely sometimes. Nevertheless, after we left them tonight, I felt lonely. As if she is doing something worthwhile and I'm not. I wonder if motherhood does that… makes everything else seem trivial so that your offspring is your priority. I suppose if there are no financial issues, there are just other things that arise. Like loneliness. Or a struggle to overcome addiction. Or simply, more decisions. Children change people. I believe it probably made her happier. It can also make one feel as if they missed out on their dreams.
I think what happens is that I start to get impatient about the future. At least that's the best way I can describe it. I like my life as it operates now very much. I am, for the most part, happy. But, after years of striving and hoping and imagining my future, I'd like to feel a few steps closer than we are now. Or maybe as the picture becomes clearer to me, I'm yearning for the manifestation of it. I've decided to paint or somehow make a sign to hang in my house as a reminder: "Enjoy your life".
My best friend can keep me talking for hours upon hours. I don't even like the phone. But she's witty and funny and brilliant, and sometimes thinks I'm funny too. (But not funny like Kim thinks I'm funny, which was really just her desperate search for something to say, not possessing enough brainpower for banter) More than that, Carol is happy. She's happier than she thinks she is, and when patient, she is also incredibly non-judgmental. At times, I find her… what's the perfect word? Subdued. And mysterious. Simply put, she's the girl we're all compared to in the end!
I'm so glad this house is finally being painted. Really thrilled! It's gonna be hell and disorganized and frustrating for a few days; but I think I can handle it. I've got to be able to keep myself in check for a few days. To celebrate the Venetian Red and the Chester Grey- ish, we're finally gonna have the barbeque I've been avoiding. And, I'm not gonna make it "a project". I promised. This is gonna be interesting. We'll see if I'm capable. I can't believe Carol is gonna drive down… how great is that?! We gotta get more chairs. Uh-oh.
This has to be very quick, and as a result, I'm sure quite tedious. If I don't get out of this room and get to sleep, I will possibly asphyxiate myself. Of course, today didn't go exactly as planned. The rooms are painted, but not finished; and so, tomorrow I have a big job. Great. And there's a time crunch. I wonder if anyone will notice that I just buy cheap shit and try and pass it off as valuable in some way. I'm kidding myself, I'm sure of it. Of course, I blame my mother for all of this.
There were specials monopolizing the radio and television today. I was just beginning to get bored with it this afternoon. Then, between irrelevant errand and needless trip, I got out of my car and looked up. There was a fly-by of several small planes with American flags trailing them. There was also a banner reading "united we stand". It was far in the distance, so somewhat hazy. It was really beautiful. I stopped and took it in, standing in the middle of some parking lot. The whole scene made me wonder how I would feel if I was more patriotic.
I'm organizing like a freak. I'm taking this break, but that's it. Everything's coming together; this day feels never-ending. The rooms look a lot better, but there's plenty to do tomorrow. Of course. I made my mother cry yesterday… told her we may not come back for Christmas. She was okay at first, then it hit her. I felt terrible. She actually had to get off the phone. She was better by evening, but my god… I thought it was a good idea telling her four months in advance! The power of a parental emotion, rarely seen, can be intense.
It really is a magnificent house. I truly can't imagine such an undertaking. Was I completely out of touch growing up? My preoccupations were so removed. I love the accomplishment it represents, but would I enjoy all that work? My god – the upkeep of a place like that! I'd much rather just have the car and half the home. I looked at Stuart sitting in the entry, and he looked somewhat uncomfortable. Perhaps I was projecting. The thing is, I might enjoy the process, but the actual dwelling day to day? It will definitely be warmer with furniture. One hopes.
I missed yesterday. Didn't want to miss any, but I guess I'm allowed one. Barbecue was okay. I think it's better for me to attend functions rather than host them. Although, I really despise attending them. The prep for it was horrific. Screaming and frantically striving for perfection, knowing thoroughly that it can never be attained; therefore, blaming Stuart and hating myself completely. It wasn't pleasant. But, the food was good and by the time people arrived, miraculously, I felt better. Or, just distracted by bodies and now full of stress over whether or not everyone was comfortable. Love parties.
I had a conversation that really struck me. Stuart said he hasn't liked his behavior lately. He's been spending a lot of energy badmouthing people who he couldn't care less about. Spouting negativity, for seemingly no reason. He is always direct, and never pulls punches, which I love. But, he doesn't get venomous, and doesn't hold grudges. I've, unfortunately, contributed to this newfound slamming. It's just laziness; it's more difficult to keep opinions to myself. I unintentionally got kinda harsh with him yesterday. Shitty. So, kindness is in order. How hard is it to just be nice? It feels better.
It was so great of Carol to come. I was really touched by her efforts. And then Sunday Brunch Theatre too! She's beyond thoughtful. Speaking of Sunday, Nathan is fucking brilliant. I can't get over that guy. He's unstoppable; I've never seen him attempt anything that he hasn't mastered. It's inspiring and intimidating and impressive. He brings genius to the art like Stuart brings it to his directing. I feel suddenly lacking. Why this intense fear? Is it true that where there's fear there's a wish? My confidence has taken off and left me without a leg to stand on.
I'm pissed. That's my conclusion for the day. But pissed in a larger sense. I feel like I've been that way for a while now. I thought I was just agitated lately, but I'm beginning to think it's legitimate anger. Things haven't evolved the way I wanted them to … or expected them to, obviously. Sometimes it's sadness too. I want success for others, yet usually it incites a desire to throw in the towel for good. Not that I haven't already… some half-assed efforts do not a pursuit make. I'm wasting away in this sludge of doubt and bitterness.
First class with Saul today. It's exciting. Could this actually be the thing that brings more ease to this work? What an incredible gift that would be. I have about twelve loads of laundry to do this evening, and plenty of reading. I was with Stuart at the theater Monday and Tuesday this week, so there went my free nights – I'm left with one, and way too much to do. What's new? Also, we have Bruno for the next five nights. He is such a pain. Adorable, but it complicates everything just a little more. The perpetually thirsty toothless bastard.
It is like a fucking car wreck. It's unbelievable, this story. I'm reading it and I'm constantly in shock. The minute I think it's at its worst, and sinking down into the bowels of humanity – or rather, inhumanity – it gets worse. I can hardly wait for it to be over. And it's no surprise that it was a hit. People get off on this trash. It's like all the reality shows that pollute our world – or better yet, the news. Some fucking deranged woman beating her little girl. I've lost respect for the entire human race. Lost hope at least.
I've thought for a long time now that I've hated it because I was inexperienced or just bad at it. Not so. I've discovered that the reason I hate it is based on the immediate gratification factor. I can't stand the wait. I get antsy and impatient – that's the real problem. I'm always rushing too. When I realize I'm hungry, I want food right then. I don't want to cook it! Sometimes it's worth the wait; but usually it's just stressful. Besides, this kitchen sucks. I understand the artistic approach to it, but I can't create on an empty stomach!
Why can't I sing? I'm not tone deaf, and my voice is strong and good; yet, I've never been a good singer. (Not to be confused with lip-syncing, which is a drunken disaster) It sucks. Jeff asked me if I could sing, ‘cause apparently I'm perfect for this girl in their musical they're writing, and I had to say no. I hate that. I even considered telling him I sang in high school, which is true, but not particularly well; and I think that's the point. I told him I'd talk-sing it. Whatever. Perhaps I'm really just an untrained singer.
I'm really lucky that my husband is so thoughtful. I also am extremely glad that our sensibilities are so similar. He's just such a cool guy. We're going to see Lyle Lovett and Bonnie Raitt tonight. He got us really, super-close seats in the pit, with a parking pass, and has had it planned for three months now. I'm incredibly excited, and also cautious. Cautious because whenever I look forward to something, it gets all blown out of proportion in my mind and I inevitably set myself up for disappointment. This imagination business is downright dangerous. Gotta control my brain.
Amazingly fun concert! I'm so glad we went, and Stuart really enjoyed it, too. We were second row center… literally, about 15 feet from Lyle Lovett and Bonnie Raitt. I was thrilled! Of course, I would've liked to listen to Lyle all night, but I was very impressed by Bonnie too! So great! Feeling a bit sick today. First day of fall at 100 degrees sucks! New commitment: no ordering eggs at the Deli. Makes me ill every time. Pure grease. The trick is still not to get too hungry. Good news is my blood sugar is at 99! Yea!!
Tennessee Williams is truly a genius. His words are eloquent and simultaneously desperate and gritty. It's unbelievable. I found a box from the move. I've spent the evening immersed in amazing stories and poetry and old journals and old pictures and past loves and lost pets and unfulfilled dreams and pure naïve, immature writings by my younger self, as well. I'm emotional over where I stand in my life, with such love, and the lack of appreciation I've had for the long journey here… not to mention the incredible fortune and sheer luck to have arrived at such a place.
It was really such a strange experience. I realized how deep my desire to feel in control runs. To allow the sensation of an involuntary shiver is highly uncomfortable to me. It was so uncomfortable, I had to laugh. I was entertained by the frantic, deafening screams in my head to stop. It even tried different tactics. First demanding, then a softer manipulation that said, "you've done plenty, you get this." I kept on, yet not easily. I recognized the embarrassment, too. I remember this discomfort. I still don't know whether or not the voice was connected to that memory.
I'm so happy about the weather. It's incredible how it affects my mood. My stomach hurts, and I still have yesterday's headache; but it's cool out, and that makes everything okay. Fall. Finally! Reflections on relationships: I love being married. I don't miss Kim or MB. Ever. Although they cross my mind. I adore Carol and Jeff and Nathan. I can't get enough of Stuart. I miss Josh, and sometimes Gloria. I feel for Mike Siegel and Dino, but not much. I'm jealous of Tina's work, and I miss my parents a bit lately. I don't understand Bo at all.
I feel so uncomfortable right now. Besides the physical fact that I'm really tired, I feel overwhelmed. Reading the notebook for class, I realized that if I had perused this book before, I might not have joined so quickly. I hate it. I couldn't quite finish it, but it's all the "terms" and "checklists" and "exercises" I loathe about typical classes. It complicates it immensely. Maybe I hate this profession after all. The class is anything but typical, and I'm constantly inspired; but if this is the spine of it, I'm screwed. I'm terrified that I've made the wrong decision.
Met Feline yesterday, god knows I probably have candida. Toxins, definitely – she said I've really done a number on my body. So much so that she's beginning my nutritional plan differently than others' so that my body doesn't freak and I end up bedridden for days. We'll see. I really want to feel well. Exercise. Yeah, I knew that. Why I am suddenly so vehemently opposed and resistant to it is beyond me. I never loved it, but now it's like, I break a sweat, I actually get angry. All my shortcuts are biting me in the ass… once again.
God, just please get this hellacious commitment behind me. My head is pounding like mad; and I gotta write 100 words before I fall into bed. Went to Jake and Deborah's huge new house again today for a barbecue. Played with Natasha – she's adorable. Really wants to communicate. Enough with the outfits, Joy. If you need attention, come strike up an interesting conversation like an adult. I feel beaten by my own body. I drank only water today, yet my head is imploding. Lovely stool test this morning for the nutritionist. I screwed it up. This comes as no surprise.
My last chance to be brilliant. I haven't accomplished that yet this month, so what the hell makes me think I will now have something interesting to say? Full of envy and anger tonight. Jealous of Susan and of Alex. I felt like such a dilettante. And I had such resistance too. I can feel myself being a glib pain in the ass sometimes. Can anyone else feel this about themselves? I hurt from my lack of purpose… pure betrayal of my own creative life. It's masochistic the way I justify my laziness and denial in these dark, accelerated days.
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