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05/01 Direct Link
A new time has come. I need to start making the changes that were supposed to come naturally. I've made a bold step. The new house will allow me a certain freedom with my time and energies. More importantly however are the changes I need to make to my attitudes and appetites. There are a great many things I take for granted and abuse. These must be counted and tallied. Within the year I must decide what I can do without and what I deem absolute necessities. If I can make internal changes, external changes must follow in due time.
05/02 Direct Link
Time, when it is on my side, is a wonderful thing to have. When, however, time has forsaken one it is impossible to know or enjoy the passing of days. If all the entities, persons or otherwise, in this world were lined up and asked to expound their impressions on time, there would like as not be as many differing opinions as there are different molecules in the dirt beneath my feet. Perhaps it is only because we claim a superior mental capacity and the ability to construct abstract thought that we are able to judge our time well spent.
05/03 Direct Link
It won't change a thing; worrying all night. There's nothing I can do to change what has happened. If I could go back I don't know what I would have done differently. If I get the dressing down I'm dreading, I'll suck it up and carry on. What is absolutely essential is for me to learn the lesson this time. I know that mistakes are a part of life but that doesn't mean I have to enjoy making them. I think the fear is if I make too many mistakes it will cause important decisions to be called into question.
05/04 Direct Link
Do it again. Wake up and seize the day so you can make it to the night. If you don't get up today, tomorrow will be twice as hard. We don't have a choice in the matter. Taking the time away from those important places, people and purposes will only rob us of the best life has to give. It is up to you, but I strongly urge you to do it again. When the mood takes you, stay out late and get up early. There isn't a day when you don't get that choice but understand all the effects.
05/05 Direct Link
I don't want to fail. It's what scares me most every day. I imagine it's because I never learned how to do it properly. For too long I was able to coast. Nothing was ever so difficult that I needed to worry for it. I still remember discussing with a friend my worry over not getting into the university of my choice. I got what I desired but I'm really starting to realize worry is going to be with me for the rest of my days. I can't control it. I can only try to guarantee it doesn't control me.
05/06 Direct Link
Words before I sleep. Written by hand without my spectacles on I'm not sure I'll be able to read them when the morning arrives. My handwriting is completely horrendous in normal situations; being propped in my bed with pillows certainly won't do me any great service. I've committed myself though. I'm going to complete this month the correct way instead of letting it fall apart as has happened almost a dozen times since my first completed sets. Look out world, here comes a fresh batch from inside my head. (Even if it is written at some ridiculous times of day.)
05/07 Direct Link
I can only watch and wait. No one can know the future. All we may do is adapt to the changes in circumstances as they happen. Although our actions have consequences and shape the things to come it is not possible to always guarantee the results. Had I the power to take the ultimate control of every action to affect my future I don't know I'd want it. When the wheel turns we all must accept the reversal. All things come around; it's only a matter of when and what we do about it. I can only watch and wait.
05/08 Direct Link
10 Opening Lines:

Away and over the hills of the next county

Deep in the woods surrounding the manor house outside of London

Between the stars in the space that had become home

"Wait for me until you cannot wait anymore

Until she walked into the room I had never seen

Below the books in the attic were the remains

Just because he no longer cared didn't mean he wasn't capable

When I come home the doors will be changed and the cars gone

Killing him was the easy part of the plan

If the door hadn't opened that morning
05/09 Direct Link
Martin's bellybutton lint had always fascinated him. Every night before he got in the shower he measured the weight and volume and recorded the results in a little journal. In that same journal he tracked the day's activities. Convinced, as he was, that a correlation existed between the mysterious material and a person's lifestyle, Martin was increasingly confused by the conflicting evidence his journal gathered. As the days passed he started to wonder if someone was trying to influence the results. Martin took to locking the journal in a cabinet behind the bathtub. It was there when I moved in.
05/10 Direct Link
After the end of the world, John always assumed cold beer, lazy Sunday afternoons and long walks with Maria would be things of before. He never realized how wrong those assumptions were. Not only did the walks with Maria continue, it seemed everyone now had cold home brew ready and waiting. There were no more drunks than before the world ended but there certainly were no fewer. If he had tried to open a bar it would go bust within the week. One winter night, John tried to come up with a reason for the proliferation of the golden water.
05/11 Direct Link
I look for all things in the dark but never will I see the same light as before when the sun came up and the dark went to bed I saw the things in between the spaces with the eyes and the fangs that could cut through the best of all armour until there was nothing inside but the white meat all rent to the thinnest of strips like the pasta we ate in the sun over on the hill beyond the park when the sky was full of clouds but sunlight made us want to run in the grass
05/12 Direct Link
How can I tell the design is mine? If I make the sketches at someone else's behest it can be debated the idea is not mine and hence the design is not. The argument can also be forwarded that all art, literature, invention and thought is part of a cosmic, collective consciousness. How can anyone lay a claim on anything if this is true? We must eventually draw a line in the sand to separate ours from theirs. I draw that line at the end of my fingertips. What leaves my fingers is mine. My art. My design. My words.
05/13 Direct Link
Get ready for it. You may not know it's coming but you should still be ready. People say you cannot plan for an unknown future but I would ask them to reevaluate that position. There are always preparations that can be made. You do not have to be the innocent bystander to fate's whims. Have the shelves stocked. Test the batteries in the smoke detector. Know the exits in every room. The Boy Scouts have the right mindset on this particular issue. Be prepared. I may not know how to tie a knot but I'll be ready with some string.
05/14 Direct Link
I did not believe the sensation would be so normal. There was hardly any perception of movement. Intellect told me something was happening but my senses could detect nothing. Hard as I tried, I don't think I could have stilled my heart and mind. I was an observer only, along for the ride for better or worse. When the experience ended I had no sudden change of being. Again, only intellect was sending warnings to other regions of my being; warnings roundly ignored. If I paid attention to the warnings I might not have the strength to repeat the actions.
05/15 Direct Link
I knew there would be nothing in the desert but little was I prepared for the extent of the nothing. As far as I could see, there it wasn't. Trying to come to grips with that emptiness when being so utterly unprepared for the expanse could easily drive one to madness. It becomes utterly amazing this region was ever settled. Yet here we are on the edge of the empty and the settled buffer to the frontier. I can't begin to fathom the strength the first people here must have possessed to carve existence from the bareness of this place.
05/16 Direct Link
I can see a gap between the hills from my room. I wonder how many have looked on that gap from the desert around me. Certainly this is not a sight I alone have beheld. But seeing it with my own eyes gives realism to the landscape I have not before experienced. Such things are the lasting marks a lifetime accumulates. Without such moments, sights and experiences the mind becomes an automatic clock regulating the basic life functions. We must find the places within ourselves needing to be filled and the parts of ourselves in the world that complete us.
05/17 Direct Link
If it collapses I don't think I'll make it. Without the income I'll very quickly find myself beyond my means. Despite reassurances I receive from different quarters, the load will be mine. Pride is a sin but is a part of my being. I am likely too proud to ask for the help when I need it. I have a fear of becoming a permanent dependent. Every adult finds himself or herself at the crossroads of cutting ties to home. We all must make that final cut through the cord ourselves. Having it done for us is a surefire disaster.
05/18 Direct Link
As I prepare to leave I know that I will come back some day. It may not be soon but I have come to realize that a man must make his journeys to all lands. To deny the world and what it may offer is to deny the possibilities within ones self. We all must face the challenges of the world. A life cannot be enriched by things undone. One is not a better person for having not done but is made great by doing. I must revise the list I in my head and decide those things most important.
05/19 Direct Link
I know it will be a long day. There is no alternative to a long day. The class will run all day and my flight will take me out of the heat near sundown. I'll pass over the continent in the dark. I hope my seat will allow a view. The idea of watching the night world pass beneath me is appealing. Of course I'll try to sleep but I hold no hope. I don't recall sleeping in any moving vehicle. I can't imagine an airplane will have a different effect. I guess the only choice is wait and see.
05/20 Direct Link
If I don't get off the road I'm on, there will be a crash. It can be avoided only with forethought and planning. I'm not sure if a burn will follow the crash but the possibility exists. I have to start thinking the long game now. Without the planning and preparation there are too many tempting curves. They lead us too destruction. No one will take the wheel from us; it is our choice. There are signs and warnings but we must have the wisdom to take notice. I don't want to crash so I'm going to open my eyes.
05/21 Direct Link
I hope you're enjoying my words. I'm working like mad to keep up this batch. I've fallen behind and given up so many times before I lose confidence in myself and wonder if I'll be able to make it. I guess the only thing to do is soldier forward and give it the best I possibly can.

There are always those moments of doubt but how we overcome them is the truest statement of the person. We all have the ability to become more than we think we are or how others perceive us. We all have it within ourselves.
05/22 Direct Link
I'll see her again this summer and I don't imagine she has thought of me for some time. I know I have thought of her. I'll keep my cool around her. Even if that means taking long breaths of outdoor air, I'll keep my cool. It would hardly be seemly for me to make a scene. All our old friends will be there and I would lose more than one if I caused problems. I know I'll have to practice not looking at her. I'll have to practice being uninterested in her. I can do anything hard with enough practice.
05/23 Direct Link
My favourite line in music is from a Meatloaf song. He declares, "you're never alone cause you can put on the phone and let the drummer tell your heart what to do." It may not be profound but it resonates with me because I played in school bands for a few years and there was nothing like the thrill of having your heart beating with the music. Even now when I hear a good beat on the radio or from a new CD my foot starts tapping and I find myself breathing just so and waiting for the next downbeat.
05/24 Direct Link
I see the sparks on the highway from the trucker's discarded cigarette. They flare like a mini sunburst and I watch for them to disappear under the encroaching line of my hood. Driving at night has always kept me fascinated. I remember being very small and driving through the woods from my aunt's house. The lights from the headlights formed a little cocoon around the car and it seemed as though the rest of the world had simply vanished into the dark. I found out later that it wasn't my parents' favourite drive but I won't hold that against them.
05/25 Direct Link
I wish I had the typographic diarrhea I used to possess. There were times when I was thoroughly unable to keep my hands from the keys, the pens and paper. The words don't seem to want to come as freely now. I don't know if that is because of the other thoughts crowding into my head or the atmosphere in the house but there was a certain liberation when I sat alone in the apartment or walked along the nighttime lakeshore. I can't imagine I'll be able to return to those conditions but there are side effects I won't miss.
05/26 Direct Link
I look forward in my new house to having the computer setup I remember wanting for so long. I'll finally have two monitors. I know it doesn't seem like much of an ambition but it would make a great number of things very convenient. I'll be able to have video going on one side and my calculations going on the other without sacrificing any kind of resolution or screen space to either. I'll be able to surf the web for answers to trivial questions arising out of the movie playing beside me; one more shallow victory for my technology yen.
05/27 Direct Link
Today I give you an equation: y=(100*x)/(100+x). It represents the percentage change in traveling time for a percentage change in rate of travel over an identical distance. I started thinking of this as I flew down the 401 on my way to a friend's bachelor party. My traveling companion wanted to move at a feverish 120 while I was content at 100 to 110. I decided then and there to determine how much time was eliminated by edging up that extra 10 kilometers. It turns out to slice all of 5 minutes from the journey. Is it really worth it?
05/28 Direct Link
Keep up with the Joneses or you might not make it to the tea party on Friday. If the Joneses are moving too slowly feel free to run them over. It doesn't matter what they have if you have something better. Who makes that decision? I know I don't. If I had any control over the matter I would place limits on absolutely nothing and disband all the cliques I could get my hands on. There are too many people trying to convince us all they know what is the ultimate best choice for every situation. Only you know you.
05/29 Direct Link
I can feel the end of the month approaching. The people at work are starting to get antsy. It's as if they can feel the crush of time beginning to fall upon their shoulders. They rush from task to task as if they can finish them all if only they can start them all. The papers fly and the drawings flash as the fluorescents begin to flicker in time with each heartbeat. I know they won't listen to me but I scream for a calm moment so everybody can see what they are doing to themselves. I wake up sweating.
05/30 Direct Link
You need only to walk past where she was a moment ago. Her scent lingers in the air like a trail of bread crumbs. It begs to be followed until the source is found and saved. You don't need to see her, the scent is enough. It draws the picture in your mind's eye and you are transported. A million images can be flashed through your conscious before you force yourself back to ground and the task at hand. When the time is right you know she will be waiting for you and the mystery scent will take you there.
05/31 Direct Link
If the words don't want to flow they must be pumped. Like any true fluid they can be forced from one vessel to another. They may become confused in the transition but they will complete their intended journey. It is the journey from my mind to yours that the words must take. If we are lucky the transmission is smooth and without impedance. If we are out of luck they must be relayed through a dozen media before they fulfill their mission. When the long journey is over let us meet in the clearing and retrace the long walk together.