REPORT A PROBLEM
Somber today in a real dark mood. Had bad half-awake dreams that stuck to me when I got up. Someone else's hands, breaths, affections running warm milk like over him. Im caught up in hisisms. Tracing thought lines webby and clinging. Im no purest, thoughts have wavered dubious love this is. I miss solid love, breakfast morning papers, dogwalks, panini in the city lanes, hand on my thigh as we drive, working side by side, Sundays of scones by the river, pure love solid emotions no maybes calling times or holiday slots life without texts and emails…just words spoken love.
Couldn't do it this morning, rise to the diamond challenge. Too many late nights needed the day to get my own E Flawless, do my own admin. Spoke to home and it had moved on. Dove into bits of the becoming familiar city as an estranged Santa clause. In my room I peruse J's November, reading them over unveiled the days that incurred green hornets, for the first time he hid his words from me, stung in multiples I let my monkeys speak for me. Pedestal removed both realised the other is human both full of inclusions, fractures and feathers.
Jealously of my future job! Normally I'm pitied or at least politely told something better will come along and have I thought of doing ___ some totally unsuited occupation. I agreed my underpaid work was never ideal, my skills odd and specific I couldn't conjure a job to put them to use. Now here it comes, all limbs crossed, and I'm up for it hoping its going to roll smoothly. If it last minute falls through fear I'll do a little of the same. There's other lives I could make but oh I want this one could this be decisiveness?
Time doesn't equal love- how many minutes of a day you occupy in another's mind, how often you occur to each other, how many times their name jumps up for no apparent reason. When it does though it must still cause a pace, when recalled insert a grinning melody. I don't want utter devotion but I do like the idea of it. The man sitting next to me puzzling over my ruled up page finally bursts and questions me, we talk and his parting words are " I have demons" and he touches my arm warmly. We all need affection.
More than. Less than. Unequal to. Mathematics of comparisons, how do you stop them? The better than worse than much alike thought-spin. Just thought of Sydney looked up and there's the opera house paper open spread to its need of a dentist job sails…omens I watch for them. Man across from me in a beanie is eyeing me too intently, what's that all about? I avoid people here cause I can London is big enough. Get me to the warm weather with a warm lover I'm getting icy, but not in the good ice-cream in a little cup kinda way.
The beanie man's name was Felix. When I got off the tube he looked back at me shook his head and said "you are so beautiful" in a thick Eastern accent. World musta known I needed it. He's from Romania has been here for 1year 1month but had forgotten why he came. By the curb we agreed that Londoner's are too cold. When I crossed the street he took my hand protectively. He works unhappily in construction, he repeats his original statement a few more times tells me that now he'll shave. I take his number knowing I won't call.
Freezing my ass off here, market mornings are the worst, slow before any public rocks up, sleepy cold store holders setting up with steaming cups of coffee. Fingers crossed I'll make some money today but its not looking promising placed in amongst the crap. I need a jacket badly, maybe I can hook up a deal with the boys across from me. Dire really dire in the mostly trashy section of Camden markets, bongs and glow sticks high trade items. So cold I'm shivering, working at a loss neither what I'd imagined nor what I'm use to as a marketeer.
People are so bundled up here they're close to inhuman. So many layers over their skin. Realise how near naked Australia is. London is all fuck off puffy jackets to keep out the cold, other things are kept out to. Australia your so much more exposed more vulnerable we count on the nature of friendliness. My skin so bundled under 10inches of all manners of fabrics. I feel so removed from touch no chance of accidental brushing of flesh. Sleep strained I traded another day terrible shite and freezing with four hours rest under my empty money belt I faded fast.
Bleary the winter has hit hard, I realise how totally unprepared I am. Need a hat, gloves and thick jacket. Must tell work of holiday plans,,if we ever get there that is both so vague and unplanned. There's an undercurrent this time, its most likely going to be the last time we see each other. From initial pouring of emails, favourite swapping and nice word lists its now life. Something not less but more testing. There will also be the comparison for him of me against another and though he has said she doesn't compare I cant help but wonder..
This is for David. Lad who gave me back my courage, who so full of patience charmed me over nacho's. I was so fused with fear so distrustful and a social freak but you persisted had faith and let me learn it all again. With comics as a guise we made splendid your futon. Im still running on the strength you gave to me back then, and when I was final not only did you let me go but you took me there. In another life I would of followed you anywhere you always made my sky a funking fuchsia.
Making plans for the landing all still seems very unreal. The friends back at home will be setting up our house sorted for my arrival. In either a beach abode or a city pad I have no preference. How much will I tell of my tales, what will I keep for my own. There's still a crew in Sydney from my old days. My drug filled youth is how I remember the city,, that and tinged with phobias but I settled that score ended it with tears and love and a fat old moon shining on my moving on orgasm.
I spoke to my niece on the phone last night, my archangel Kirra. Born the day before me 25 years later. She told me what she likes (penguins very popular) so very odd to hear her speak was barely sprouting syllables when I left now she's comprehending, observing and growing tastes. People say she's like me, loves chocolate, books and to draw. When she's angry she clenches her teeth and goes all red in the face quivering in silent frustration. Little Kirra, little leaf you've been trained to say I love Auntie Chole promise I'll give you a face soon.
All relaxed and gravely voiced he was distance removed, dispelling my concerns. His voice alone creates utter desire.Till I know he's coming booked and definite I'll keep a pocket of reserve to turn my hands over in. When I worked at the bead shop there were open jars on the counters full of beads. Distractedly when talking to customers about their latest endeavors I'd dip my hand in turning the cool glassy shapes over my fingers. Digging in rummaging till wrist deep a tactile fondling, focusing on the voice talking to me or drifting away thoughts tumbling with the beads.
Dampness on everything. My brother asked me when the sun goes down I told him it never comes up the smog just changes colour. Housemate asked me what's the worst and best thing about London: Worst the coldness of the people the anonymous faces and crowds. Best: the action so much going on endless gigs. Then the same of home Worst: the isolation of the country so removed our big island Best: the lifestyle, you can live so well and cheaply, the laid back nature of the people and the climate I never realised what a difference sun can make.
A perfect Sunday, a market, good food and here to the fire to read Saturday's papers. Utterly relaxed if not a slight jittery from too much coffee. The gig last night was as I feared, a bboy event full of strut and pose. Watched the breakers circle for a while but it left me with that dazed feeling you get after a movie. Was riled for a dance but it was strictly kept to the cardboard. A week till J comes so excited and nervous, beaming corridor grins. Just want to lie with him hope he's got no more suprises.
Its cleared time off. Two whole weeks with the boystuff. Had a tossy night after finally going to bed at three chatting with a housemate. Mind still racing, talk had brought up past loves and I recalled my half-Japanese boyfriend a guy who can still make me whir. We met when I was just 17 after a weird ephipany of sorts that my next boyfriend would be a Japanese skater boy then there he was..all style and finesse he was heaven on a board that cruisy flow some guys have and sexy as all fuck though he didn't know it.
Flittering lark like across town diamonds in my pocket, carats of images in my mind. Time being friendly and cooperative except at five when manic minutes begin and the cool Yule gets edgy for their gifts. Dealing in nervous love, so many girls going to get asked the big one -metal and rock binding. Diamonds do last forever which means many lovers stones have slipped over another's digit in times past mined, separated with grease, cut, graded and popped out of rings polished up and they lose nothing --kept clawed waiting for the next shaking hand outstretched promising love eternal.
Fuck I feel odd, an email from my ex telling me the house is gone, our house, where all our love took place. Where I planted a garden, where I lived for 4yrs longer than anywhere else in my life. A rented home an antique slut and she's welcomed the next ones in. And then there's my housemate who's making moves on me making me squirmy uncomfortable. J's here in three days thank fuck to rest my head on his chest will be deep relief. I've a love for him and I'm thirsty enough to drink a pail of water.
What am I imagining for the future? A cool house with good friends I want to get to know more. One is the first friend I made in Sydney the other met through a mutual ex. I think we'll live well, an all girl house will be a novelty. Nights out to gigs of our shared music love, dinners cooked with mutual friends and new ones, finding old mates, drinking tea of Tina's brewing, them studying me working and making. Korean, Dutch, Australian. The harbour shimmery, weekend trips, lost contacts refound, quiggly cooking, beach baking, good cafes, gym trips. ..solid.
Absurd….and hilarious. Work Xmas party dinner and drinks beforehand taken into the office with the bosses behind closed doors slipped a meaty cheque and another life spins to my hands. A bonus a raise and talks of prospects..training designing. Things I don't want but real nice to be offered, to be appreciated. Then to dinner at a swanky restaurant where we move to the bar afterwards and everyone cept me gets quite sloshed. I think the boss's son fancies me a sweet lad but 20 doubt we'd have much in common but as said before all nice to be offered.
Saw for the first time this morning the bird that lives in London till now its been hiding. It's a miracle it survives as some kinda weird side effect these birds natural clock is screwed and they chirp all day and night. Maybe cause the days are so short and dark to notice them passing. But this morning from my window I saw one whilst listening to J's buzzed words and I stood towel wrapped and marvelled..Good omen. One more sleep till he's here, tomorrow warm and real. Five months later and I'm still nervous, will it still be there?
There's not much else on my mind a bit of room for Yule, family and friends. A spot for dons as always but the rest is for him. What will we see at first glance this time? Our final hoorah, it'll be grand still can't bare the thought that it might be our last. Hope the housemate that's taking a liking doesn't get weird. Luckily one housemate has gone away so there's a room for us. Can't wait to lie him in it, hoping we can avoid the other girl talk till after the first night….need to reknow him first.
ohh tired didn't want to leave this morning J in bed ahem snoring, had to go to work hoping to skip out early. I'm weary today in more ways than one, he threw another shell at another badly timed moment really didn't need it stomach still in knots at the thought. Feel average and risky and just plain tired from the news. Not what I'd hoped for or expected didn't know things had gone so far. So now I gotta trust a girl I hate, didn't want to think of her yet. Held back not all there, fuck don't wanna work.
Got home yesterday to find the boy in my bed delights…Lazy wake up with no work for 2weeks and j to hold so glad he's here still has me captivated. Go for breakfast in Brixton then head to town for xmas food shopping a vegetarian feast planned. Shop madness everyone last minute manic, bags later at home realise essential bag left behind. Xmas tomorrow presents and surprises I love it all. Tis the everydayness of love that I miss the care through the regular, movies, shopping, tv, cooking, trippin round town, street strolling all made pleasures with touches. More real.
Xmas!! J's gifts most thoughtful and sit in bed together unwrapping. Then family calls start rolling in and the missing feeling as well, not helped by the characters amassing in my house. Most unlikable and Xmas turns ugly. As all gets louder and the worst kind of music blares we retreat to have blissful sex and watch Elvis. Downstairs pills are popped and slurry stupidity reigns cant stop the sneer and wish for elsewhere. Bunker down upstairs. J remains goodwilled throughout even when a roaming loser opens our door at a most compromising moment.."get the fuck out of out room" alright.
Guest writer, rule-breaker. Hi, it's J. I fucked up my own so I'm stepping into Nicole's. Boxing Day they call it here in London the day after the day of a grand household rave. ‘Twas a swell Xmas after all with two great gifts and two great friends and scads of wonderful relating. The housemates are sleeping of the pills while we're groggy from late night disturbances and we'll all eventually converge later in the day. I spoke with a lot of family yesterday, felt good, felt connected, felt solid, nice feeling this, this reality of emotional circumstance, nice.
Guest writer again: J. The Tate modern in London isn't so impressive. The provocative not so provocative the deep stuff not so deep. I love modern art, I loved the Rothco on display, but the rest was arbitrary and superficial. Where's the firm feeling one gets from seeing a single Schiele? Or the wrenching ERGH of Otto Dix? These are the painters I like, the painters I investigate. Who in the modern cabal does that? Williams? Mondrian? Rauschenberg? Miro? Shit I don't know anything about art. Who am I trying to kid? I see art in all around me.
(Guest J) and WHAM! I've killed a Mercedes. Fortunately no one else, 250 miles of driving fine, me, an American, in the UK. Until the last 5 minutes then I was on the wrong side and I ploughed into an old man and his Peugeot. WHAM! Along a dark windy road I almost killed 5 people. But all are ok. Harry in the backseat was unharmed. The old man (other driver): fine. Both cars undriveable. My 1st accident ever, and I'm glad no one was hurt. But still I feel like a criminal an attempted murderer who was only just prevented.
It's me, back, guest by my side. We've had a really odd trip so far.Xmas not full of goodness, first day of our road-trip ended abruptly with a crash (poor Jeff), and the lingering knowledge of someone else's hands grabbing at us in pieces. Its still great though we still have something. I have so much respect for him this gorgeous man by my side. Hard to acknowledge this is all we get. Walking by the stormy coast I just want to hold him and whisper love but that's not the play I freaked him out once before with that murmur.
Bad dreams tormented me all night sleeping in the crack of two single beds pushed together. Messy head when I woke piercing dreambeings chatterings marred my mood and forced their marks on him. Couldn't speak of it pointless. A bus ride from Bude a train from Bristol, everything felt wrong and I lashed my hurting out on him. Two trains to oxford we'd repaired. He can't make it move neither can I, my jealousy causing pocks. Have no guise for disappointment and a genuine fear of omens as we lay together in another hotel room I realised just he was enough.
Met my bud and her all too swell man in town for his guided tour. Raced to smell the books, the town wasn't new but it was still beautiful. After a delicious night in a hotel with Jeff, bad dreams shaken, we walk talk eat over the last hours of the year. A country pub out of town takes the countdown stage I hold my friend extra close kiss the old year fondly goodbye and hold hands with the new one. Its been enormous the best yet. Long in a slinky type fashion I can see forward there's three more points.
The Tip Jar