I'm still with Tom. We broke up briefly over the summer so I could hook up with my dad's best friend in England
(stop pointing fingers), then I missed Tom so we got back together.
I love Tom and yet I still love Josh (confused? He's my former Spanish teacher). On a recent college visit to
New Hampshire, I visited Josh and we fooled around. While his wife was out, of course. I'm just hurting myself
by doing it, but I can't help it.
As we walked out, I ran into a teacher. He asked if me and Tom were making out in the booth. I put on an
indignant, shocked expression and didn't admit that yes, maybe a little bit.
Tom definitely got a batch of "I voted" sex last night and today. I think he's very glad I convinced him to vote. He
feels like I'm being silly because New York wasn't up for grabs at all, but I don't hear him complaining.
Four more good years. Thank you, America.
Hey, maybe Bush will send the blue state population to Iran tomorrow.
The Democrats need to re-evaluate themselves as a national party. Instead of hearing them analyzing their
weaknesses, though, I'm hearing them bitch.
I do love talking to him, though. He's so intelligent, and so lovely most of the time. His voice is so familiar and so
good for me…I can predict the way he'll say certain things.
I traipsed around my house…I put on perfume and straightened my hair for no good reason. Then Tom called
and wanted to come over, so I let him. He got a little suspicious about why I fixed myself up not knowing I was
coming over. I thought to myself it was a little late to start getting jealous.
Yes, how'd you know? Josh. He emailed me today to tell me…it was a lot about politics, on and on about his
total disappointment, then at the end was this little casual gem:
"Anyway, I'll be visiting Long Island around Thanksgiving. I'll stop by the school the Wednesday before the
break, so hopefully we'll get the chance to say hello and catch up."
I think his wife might have gotten the password to his emails or something, or else he's playing ridiculously coy.
And I thought that was the girl's prerogative.
I miss Josh more and more every day. But I understand why he had to leave. What I don't understand is that
now all of a sudden he wants me to go to Dartmouth and be near him. I thought he was going to break this off
and go back to his chubby wife. And I was going to be with Tom, who's so good to me. But apparently fate is a
I listen to her little updates every day and I am so reminded of my pre-Josh cuteness, coming to her with
all these little things he'd say to me. And she'd always be very doubtful, etc. So now I am not being the most
supportive toward her.
Also, I'm jealous. I want that naïve cuteness again. I want to flirt talk with Josh again. I want to worry about the
way I look for his class again, getting done up and hoping he'd compliment me. I want him back.
But four days? And they're staying at his apartment. All four of them. Three of them are very liberal guys, one of
them this weird, jerk-off Communist ranter.
But one of them's a girl. And she would never—he would never—but I still can't get it out of my mind.
Why do these shadowy admissions officers think that if I write a sappy essay about my mother's influence it will
make me a good candidate for their college? Will they really feel sorry for me if I exploit my personal
experience with September 11th? God, I truly hope not. I just wish…
How does he not see that spending four days with a girl I know, even on so-called business, even with three
other guy students, will make me insanely jealous?
I can't even address why I don't feel jealous toward his wife, but I feel jealous toward this girl he barely knows.
Maybe because secretly I'm afraid if he can cheat on his wife, he can cheat on me.
Or maybe it's because the kids he's with never had him for a teacher, yet are allowed to call him Josh. What is
that? That's totally inappropriate.
Sigh. I'm a hypocrite.
My junior-year journal seems to be more preoccupied with Daniel, actually, one of my more interesting
relationships. In anyone else's life, sleeping with their dad's best friend would probably be the most
interesting relationship, but luckily or unluckily, this is me and it's only a tripping stone in my record.
They're all just reasons why I'll never be able to run for public office.
I am convinced of how good this will all sound. I am completely certain that he'll accept my reasons as basic
truths. I'm absolutely positive that we'll be able to disengage from each other and move on.
That is, until I actually try to say any of it out loud.
I did start doing sit-ups and push-ups yesterday. That may have been why.
....Okay, that's definitely the reason. God, I'm in such pain. On top of it all, my period started. So not only is my
stomach creasing, and my legs aching, my shins buckling and my arms trembling, I have cramps too.
Who ever said looking good made you feel good ,too?
Friend of mine
what can't you spare
I know some times
it gets cold in there
Hope is alive
while we're apart
speak from my heart
break the chains
that hold us down
and we shall be
our weight in sin
so that we
can live again
When my legs no longer carry
and the warm wind chills my bones
I reach for Mother Mary
and I shall not walk alone
Filler filler filler filler.
And somehow, somehow, although I'm not doing anything, I seem to continually be exhausted. I keep
falling asleep in class. I sleep during the afternoons. I nodded off while Tom was talking to me today.
He reached over and pushed up my chin, smiling like always.
The only person who hasn't left me is Tom. The only person who doesn't want to leave me, who doesn't want me to leave him, is Tom. He wants me to go to college nearby. I told him he'll have to visit me, darling.
Listen. It's not like I'm not flattered. It's really cute that you're flirting with me. It's cute that you let me leave class and act up and interrupt whenever I want, all the while giving everyone else that look of "oh, what a silly thing" and giving me that look of "see what I do for you?"
I do think it's really sweet. But I'm going to have to warn you to get away while you can. I'm not someone you want to bring home to Mom. I hope you understand.
When did I let him in? He's my first normal relationship. When did I look at him and think to myself, "I want you inside me"? Of course, the first time I let him it was because I was feeling guilty about how little he knew. But despite my ulterior motives, trying to get him to feel safe with me...he was perfect. And I needed him from then on.
It was held in a Jewish community center. I warned my best friend that I would be like a kid in a candy store with all the Jewish men surrounding me, but she simply laughed. So I went on my merry way and drooled the whole time.
Their music is so quintessentially college-beat. It's low key, like Coldplay's, but without Chris Martin's self indulgent smugness. I don't even know the lead singer's name. Snow Patrol doesn't have an agenda or a bigger dream. You can tell from their songs that they're perfectly content where they are-- making music.
But I can't shake this feeling of hyper alertness, this butterfly feeling.
Today my Spanish teacher for this year (an idiot woman) leaned over while the class was working quietly and said, "Hey, your Loverboy's coming tomorrow!"
I looked at her, horror-struck. How does she know?? I kept thinking. Then I saw her ridiculous grin and realized she was just joking around. "I know," I snapped at her.
When I walked in, he was standing there, respledent in red sweater and jeans. My heart cried out for him in that instant and he turned to me.
There was some mindless chatter. After twenty minutes, he pretended he had to speak with his old colleagues. Angie nodded, gullible dear. He grasped me by the arm as I left and I said, "Just call me."
I wanted to scream. Instead I just went to my computer and finished all of my other applications. It was ridiculously simple and I felt stupid printing it out and actually being done. How does that work? Something I've been complaining about for so long and all I had to was press the print button. And voila.
Josh's wife went to visit relatives and he picked me up and we saw a movie. He paid. It was dark in the theater and we were alone.
We were laughing over the previews, and then he leaned over and kissed me, the first since October when we met up where he
lives. I didn't resist. I fell hard and fast for him, dear diary, and God help me, I love him so much I don't know quite what to do
Have I held out for something
that is never gonna happen
It's not me that you love
You woke up cold this morning
Shied away from my touch
I would never mean to hurt you
Cos I love you so much
Was it only ever one night
that you ever wanted from me?"
Download This: Snow Patrol, "One Night is Not Enough"
I listen to this whole CD constantly; so why is it making me weep right now?
It's all almost over. I make involuntary sounds of pleasure and he is quiet and pensive in his sex and we come. I grasp for his
normally curly hair-- it is short now and I wish for better things.
Hmm. Guess those emotions grow in magnitude every day. Josh left last night, 9 pm. After having me, he took his spouse and--
whirlwind!-- he left. I felt like I was being abandoned again. He's so schemingly ingenious. He knows that with how much I love
him, I can't deny wanting to be with him again. No matter how many times he leaves me.
So I will go to Dartmouth if I get in. And I'll continue falling down this trap. Hey, maybe I'll get to have a normal relationship
before I die. But sometimes I doubt it.
The leaves turned and fell, their different hues swimming lazily through the air. It got colder but not cold enough to be forced to
wear a jacket every time one went outside. It got darker, earlier-- ominously, nostalgically.
I walked to the cliffs today to watch the sun set on November.