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BY Natasha

11/01 Direct Link
Well, I'm back, after three months. Ooh, I feel like I have so much to say.

I'm still with Tom. We broke up briefly over the summer so I could hook up with my dad's best friend in England (stop pointing fingers), then I missed Tom so we got back together.

I love Tom and yet I still love Josh (confused? He's my former Spanish teacher). On a recent college visit to New Hampshire, I visited Josh and we fooled around. While his wife was out, of course. I'm just hurting myself by doing it, but I can't help it.

11/02 Direct Link
Tom took me with him to vote, which killed me. I kept jumping around saying "I'm not allowed to vote yet" . I made him ask like eight different people if I could come into the booth with him. I could, and did. I think I amused him with my fluttering around as he was pulling levers. Well, we did our patriotic duty.

As we walked out, I ran into a teacher. He asked if me and Tom were making out in the booth. I put on an indignant, shocked expression and didn't admit that yes, maybe a little bit.

11/03 Direct Link
Oh. My. God. Thank you, darling Tom. Thank you, my parents. Thank you, God. The safety of the free world is securely within Bush's hands again, with the most votes for any candidate in history ever. Wow.

Tom definitely got a batch of "I voted" sex last night and today. I think he's very glad I convinced him to vote. He feels like I'm being silly because New York wasn't up for grabs at all, but I don't hear him complaining.

Four more good years. Thank you, America.

Hey, maybe Bush will send the blue state population to Iran tomorrow.

11/04 Direct Link
I'm not sure if I should move on or not, but I think I need to keep speaking about the election results. This election proved that the Democrats are failing miserably to appeal to the masses…failing to appeal to the heartland. And also a lot of the so-called ‘"blue states". NY is a red state, except for two or three much populated counties. I find it frustrating that those few counties can control so much of the vote.

The Democrats need to re-evaluate themselves as a national party. Instead of hearing them analyzing their weaknesses, though, I'm hearing them bitch.

11/05 Direct Link
Josh is so upset about this election. I listened to him gripe about Bush for about two hours today on the phone. I've been so gracious to liberals, but I'm starting to hit back. I resent him being so partisan so close to the election. I feel strongly about national unity and Josh keeps repeating the same liberal agenda I heard from him last year.

I do love talking to him, though. He's so intelligent, and so lovely most of the time. His voice is so familiar and so good for me…I can predict the way he'll say certain things.

11/06 Direct Link
Tonight, Saturday night, I simply sat at home and watched TV. And mused. I really do enjoy being home by myself, with hot chocolate or tea by my side. It's cute and cozy, and it's better than going out and getting drunk.

I traipsed around my house…I put on perfume and straightened my hair for no good reason. Then Tom called and wanted to come over, so I let him. He got a little suspicious about why I fixed myself up not knowing I was coming over. I thought to myself it was a little late to start getting jealous.

11/07 Direct Link
Squeeeeeeee! Squeeeeeeee! Guess who's coming to visit around Thanksgiving?

Yes, how'd you know? Josh. He emailed me today to tell me…it was a lot about politics, on and on about his total disappointment, then at the end was this little casual gem:

"Anyway, I'll be visiting Long Island around Thanksgiving. I'll stop by the school the Wednesday before the break, so hopefully we'll get the chance to say hello and catch up."

I think his wife might have gotten the password to his emails or something, or else he's playing ridiculously coy. And I thought that was the girl's prerogative.

11/08 Direct Link
Monday. It's like all the stress, all the drama, is just totally gone. The election is over and I have two wonderful guys who love me.

I miss Josh more and more every day. But I understand why he had to leave. What I don't understand is that now all of a sudden he wants me to go to Dartmouth and be near him. I thought he was going to break this off and go back to his chubby wife. And I was going to be with Tom, who's so good to me. But apparently fate is a funny bitch.

11/09 Direct Link
My best friend has fallen hard for her IB History teacher.

I listen to her little updates every day and I am so reminded of my pre-Josh cuteness, coming to her with all these little things he'd say to me. And she'd always be very doubtful, etc. So now I am not being the most supportive toward her.

Also, I'm jealous. I want that naïve cuteness again. I want to flirt talk with Josh again. I want to worry about the way I look for his class again, getting done up and hoping he'd compliment me. I want him back.

11/10 Direct Link
Bad mood. Four people from my school, part of a much hyped, very liberal community service club, are going up to visit Josh tonight, for four days. They're helping him start a club extension up where he is, and that apparently involves talking to Board members, paperwork and organization.

But four days? And they're staying at his apartment. All four of them. Three of them are very liberal guys, one of them this weird, jerk-off Communist ranter.

But one of them's a girl. And she would never—he would never—but I still can't get it out of my mind.

11/11 Direct Link
I'm so tired of searching through the annals of my memories just to find a suitable college essay. I'm tired of ravaging things that have meant a lot to me, raping their worth to me by writing about them to people I don't know and will never meet.

Why do these shadowy admissions officers think that if I write a sappy essay about my mother's influence it will make me a good candidate for their college? Will they really feel sorry for me if I exploit my personal experience with September 11th? God, I truly hope not. I just wish…

11/12 Direct Link
JEALOUS!!!!

How does he not see that spending four days with a girl I know, even on so-called business, even with three other guy students, will make me insanely jealous?

I can't even address why I don't feel jealous toward his wife, but I feel jealous toward this girl he barely knows. Maybe because secretly I'm afraid if he can cheat on his wife, he can cheat on me.

Or maybe it's because the kids he's with never had him for a teacher, yet are allowed to call him Josh. What is that? That's totally inappropriate.

Sigh. I'm a hypocrite.

11/13 Direct Link
I just looked through my junior-year journal, and there are few mentions of Josh until February when it happened…it's odd to me, looking through my journal now and having every page contain a mention of him….

My junior-year journal seems to be more preoccupied with Daniel, actually, one of my more interesting relationships. In anyone else's life, sleeping with their dad's best friend would probably be the most interesting relationship, but luckily or unluckily, this is me and it's only a tripping stone in my record.

They're all just reasons why I'll never be able to run for public office.

11/14 Direct Link
I think I should move on. I think I should tell him that it's over. I think I should mention the hundreds of reasons why we should not be together and why we're not right for each other and why we should both be faithful to our significant others etc.

I am convinced of how good this will all sound. I am completely certain that he'll accept my reasons as basic truths. I'm absolutely positive that we'll be able to disengage from each other and move on.

That is, until I actually try to say any of it out loud.

11/15 Direct Link
I woke up this morning and it became transparently clear to me that someone had taken a heavy crowbar and beaten me decisively in the night. Every minute part of my body was in aching, aching pain.

I did start doing sit-ups and push-ups yesterday. That may have been why.

....Okay, that's definitely the reason. God, I'm in such pain. On top of it all, my period started. So not only is my stomach creasing, and my legs aching, my shins buckling and my arms trembling, I have cramps too.

Who ever said looking good made you feel good ,too?

11/16 Direct Link
Battered and torn
still I can see the light
tattered and worn
but I must kneel to fight

Friend of mine
what can't you spare
I know some times
it gets cold in there

Hope is alive
while we're apart
only tears
speak from my heart
break the chains
that hold us down
and we shall be
forever bound

Set aside
our weight in sin
so that we
can live again

When my legs no longer carry
and the warm wind chills my bones
I reach for Mother Mary
and I shall not walk alone

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/benharper/ishallnotwalkalone.html

Filler filler filler filler.

11/17 Direct Link
Is there a reason for me to still be pushing? I really can't and won't understand how high school seniors stay on track, keep to their lines, continue marching against all reason. Look at me! Damn it! I am a wreck…I'm simultaneously not doing any work/activities in school whilst feeling absolutely terrible about it.

And somehow, somehow, although I'm not doing anything, I seem to continually be exhausted. I keep falling asleep in class. I sleep during the afternoons. I nodded off while Tom was talking to me today.

He reached over and pushed up my chin, smiling like always.

11/18 Direct Link
Josh hasn't called for a suspiciously long time. I am frustrated, angry, scared and alone all in quick succession. I have a fear of being abandoned. I've been abandoned by everyone, by Erik freshman year, by Daniel sophomore and junior summers, by Josh junior year-- but he just picked me back up when it was convenient.

The only person who hasn't left me is Tom. The only person who doesn't want to leave me, who doesn't want me to leave him, is Tom. He wants me to go to college nearby. I told him he'll have to visit me, darling.

11/19 Direct Link
An Open Letter to my Cities Teacher,

Listen. It's not like I'm not flattered. It's really cute that you're flirting with me. It's cute that you let me leave class and act up and interrupt whenever I want, all the while giving everyone else that look of "oh, what a silly thing" and giving me that look of "see what I do for you?"

I do think it's really sweet. But I'm going to have to warn you to get away while you can. I'm not someone you want to bring home to Mom. I hope you understand.

Regards,

Natasha

11/20 Direct Link
Home. The quiet moments before people come barreling in. My body is sore from last night with Tom...you know it's been done right when your legs are groaning the next day.

When did I let him in? He's my first normal relationship. When did I look at him and think to myself, "I want you inside me"? Of course, the first time I let him it was because I was feeling guilty about how little he knew. But despite my ulterior motives, trying to get him to feel safe with me...he was perfect. And I needed him from then on.

11/21 Direct Link
I went to see my best friend perform in Jekyll and Hyde today. She was just an ensemble player, and a whore-in-training (hilariously), but she was great. I was so proud. And the show was fantastic-- I felt sad that I'd missed out on being part of a theater family like these people.

It was held in a Jewish community center. I warned my best friend that I would be like a kid in a candy store with all the Jewish men surrounding me, but she simply laughed. So I went on my merry way and drooled the whole time.

11/22 Direct Link
Listening to Snow Patrol. When It's All Over We Still Have to Clear Up is the soundtrack to my senior year...God, it's perfect. I'm so possessive of Snow Patrol. I want them to become big in the States, but not so big that they don't feel like mine anymore.

Their music is so quintessentially college-beat. It's low key, like Coldplay's, but without Chris Martin's self indulgent smugness. I don't even know the lead singer's name. Snow Patrol doesn't have an agenda or a bigger dream. You can tell from their songs that they're perfectly content where they are-- making music.

11/23 Direct Link
Tomorrow Josh is coming to visit! I can't help but be crazy-excited, even though I know that being with him is a complete betrayal-- one, to his wife; two, to my Tom.

But I can't shake this feeling of hyper alertness, this butterfly feeling.

Today my Spanish teacher for this year (an idiot woman) leaned over while the class was working quietly and said, "Hey, your Loverboy's coming tomorrow!"

I looked at her, horror-struck. How does she know?? I kept thinking. Then I saw her ridiculous grin and realized she was just joking around. "I know," I snapped at her.

11/24 Direct Link
So I prettied myself up for Josh and went into school, heart pounding. And then I semi-freaked out in the morning. So Angie insisted on coming with me to see Josh 5th period-- meh.

When I walked in, he was standing there, respledent in red sweater and jeans. My heart cried out for him in that instant and he turned to me.

There was some mindless chatter. After twenty minutes, he pretended he had to speak with his old colleagues. Angie nodded, gullible dear. He grasped me by the arm as I left and I said, "Just call me."

11/25 Direct Link
Thanksgiving. The table buzzed with family, turkey, and above all-- where little old me was going to college. They talked about it without pause. They had arguments over where I should go. They debated the merits of this college versus that one.

I wanted to scream. Instead I just went to my computer and finished all of my other applications. It was ridiculously simple and I felt stupid printing it out and actually being done. How does that work? Something I've been complaining about for so long and all I had to was press the print button. And voila.

11/26 Direct Link
Josh wanted to see me today. So did Tom. So did Al, interestingly enough. I chose Josh.

Josh's wife went to visit relatives and he picked me up and we saw a movie. He paid. It was dark in the theater and we were alone.

We were laughing over the previews, and then he leaned over and kissed me, the first since October when we met up where he lives. I didn't resist. I fell hard and fast for him, dear diary, and God help me, I love him so much I don't know quite what to do with myself.

11/27 Direct Link
"left your door wide open
couldn't help but walk in
it's the last place I should be
but I'm dying to see you

Have I held out for something
that is never gonna happen

It's not me that you love

You woke up cold this morning
Shied away from my touch
I would never mean to hurt you
Cos I love you so much

Was it only ever one night
that you ever wanted from me?"

Download This: Snow Patrol, "One Night is Not Enough"

I listen to this whole CD constantly; so why is it making me weep right now?

11/28 Direct Link
I am staring up at the ceiling of his hotel room, legs spread, head back. He's at my neck again. I did tell him not to go there, in case of evidence that my boyfriend or-- God forbid-- my mother might find. But he never really listens to me. I fight an urge to laugh as his stubble brushes my neck.

It's all almost over. I make involuntary sounds of pleasure and he is quiet and pensive in his sex and we come. I grasp for his normally curly hair-- it is short now and I wish for better things.

11/29 Direct Link
Temptation, frustration...

Hmm. Guess those emotions grow in magnitude every day. Josh left last night, 9 pm. After having me, he took his spouse and-- whirlwind!-- he left. I felt like I was being abandoned again. He's so schemingly ingenious. He knows that with how much I love him, I can't deny wanting to be with him again. No matter how many times he leaves me.

So I will go to Dartmouth if I get in. And I'll continue falling down this trap. Hey, maybe I'll get to have a normal relationship before I die. But sometimes I doubt it.

11/30 Direct Link
Ah, November. Quick recap: tears were shed, laughter was pealed. Old friends were golden, new friends were silver. Pressure mounted; some people chose to deal with it, others chose to run away from it. Salacious matters of the heart took precedent over what was right, and just, and moral.

The leaves turned and fell, their different hues swimming lazily through the air. It got colder but not cold enough to be forced to wear a jacket every time one went outside. It got darker, earlier-- ominously, nostalgically.

I walked to the cliffs today to watch the sun set on November.