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No sleep. My head is pounding. My stomach is still full from last night. The thought of my great-grandmother still on my mind. She's been gone one day, died in my mother's arms. I think about what I've heard about death. Gasping. Gurgling. One last breath. What is death like? What is it like to hold someone in her final moments. I cry. I am crying. Old age. Being alive I feel like I should be out accomplishing great things. Why does death bring motivation? I push on. Pack my bags. I am going home. I am wearing all black.
Cleaning. Baking. Getting ready everything must look perfect. It is just family why does it even matter? Everyone's got his own agenda. Everyone's rapped up in themselves and their feelings. Many phone calls. Flowers. Bereavement flights, the airlines try to fit our family on the planes. Delays. Late Arrivals. She was so tiny but so feisty. Potato chips, chocolates, hard candies almost until the day she stopped. Harsh feelings linger in the air so thick I'm suffocated. Can't breathe. Maintaining myself means so much. No sleep tonight. I need a wooden stake and some silver bullets to get through tomorrow.
Tears. Tension so thick I have a headache or maybe it is from the day before. Black. Crying. Tears. Words of remembrance. scriptures. Procession. It is so cold out. The ground is wet, torn up from yesterday. Cold stones. graves. One warm one. It's so windy the flowers might blow away. We walk together back to the cars. Home. Food. Drinks. Remembrance. Gathering. Chocolates, potato chips, graham crackers. All her favorites, she ate them every day. What keeps us together now that she is gone? No fake conversation today. I don't need it. If you don't love me don't pretend.
Sleepy eyes. Warm bed. Chocolates brought to me by my naked friend as I sit in bed half asleep. Long brown hair its almost floating around her. We rekindle our friendship as we eat chocolates for breakfast. What a long night we had it was her birthday and we had ourselves quite a night just a few hours ago. The day passes. Anticipation for a loved one grows. Arrival. Late night visit to a bar. Its not his scene. Tension. Quiet. Everyone else talks. We have commitments but no words are exchanged. Tears well. Just love me. Please just pretend.
I need to find myself. I need some black and white. Up until now everything has been gray. I need some answers I need to fill this void but I try in so many ways that I shouldn't. I found someone who eases the pain but the pain is still there. Just grasp reality. Don't try to understand everything stop analyzing everything. Focus on right now. Breathe. Trying to talk but only crying. I do not cry. It seems like it is all I do lately. I need to find the roots of this anguish. I need peace of mind.
Going through the motions. No sleep once again. Eyes wide open before the sound of the bell. Lead eyes, stomach a pit of hunger. Newsprint. Charcoal. The smell of a nervous, nude model. Good poses. I should feed him, he's got no meat on his bones. Three hours of standing. Time. Psychology. Discussion. Impossible activity. One guy plays devil's advocate, sometimes even I want to punch him, shake him or tell him to just shut up. Errands downtown. Walk fifteen blocks. Lauren's. What was meant to be a pit stop turned into an afternoon. Our laughter is from the heart.
My mind wanders. Head pounding heart stopped. So many things running through my brain I forgot to breathe. In and out. Heat is blasting out the floor. Tiny metal rectangle, who has baseboards anymore? I can't form words. I hear that little jingle which disturbs my sleep. Off. Then I sleep some more. I can't go to class. How hard is it to never feel a part of something and then the one person who welcomes you with open arms dies? The only one that treated me with respect and love. She treated me like I was of her flesh.
I've succumbed to a fake happiness or atleast that's what I believe. Am I really happy or am I just tired of being so damn miserable? It's hard to think of all the difficult things going on right now but I do. Today Drew said, "Stop thinking of the craziest things and worrying so much and just start living." Then we talked about recessive genes. I said if I found out my partner and I had recessive genes and my children would be endangered, I would get an egg donation for one pregnancy and a sperm donation for the next.
Anticipation. Wine. The prim of perfection. Dresses and make-up. We head out into the city with flowing curls and fabrics. We are not on the run-way tonight but we could be. Lights, camera, strut. We giggle and smile and shout at our friends as they walk, turn, turn, turn, walk. Tipping another one back, we smile and dance the night away. Legs feeling like lead. I wish I was dancing the salsa I had the dress for it. We go for pizza after our night of extravagance. Huge pieces with mushrooms and spinach, Fantastic. We continue to laugh until tomorrow
People. Beers. Film viewing. One last-pitch. So many unfamiliar faces. Girls. Kids from summer street. Its been years since we all crashed there but they still go by that name. Suddenly emotions well-up. Why? Deep breaths. Do not cry. Looking around all I see are best friends. Everyone has their counterpart. Some even have 2. Buddy-buddy everywhere. This is my comfort zone and I feel so out of place. It doesn't make sense to me I just want to smile, I try but I can't. As I leave, no one looks over they have their own agendas to attend to.
Warm weather. Everyone out of his winter hibernation. I get a call. "Please come, I'm stuck in the ghetto. Waiting for my car's evaluation." I'm still wearing the clothes from yesterday but I throw on my shoes. Stroll to my car. Did I brush my teeth today? Oh yeah when I woke up. All the windows down, sun roof open. The wind blows my cares away. The radio is off which normally attributes to my bad mood but not today. We get ice cream, a reward for my speedy pick-up. Home. Beers on the roof deck as the sun sets.
I wake, the sound of gray rain softly sliding off my window. My soft bed. I never want to leave, as usual it's empty, so I get out. There's nothing keeping me here. My legs still warm from our adventures last night. A walk, all over town it seems, but the night was so beautiful. We clean house. Outside its bleak, but inside our home is shimmering. I wish you could share this with me but we are apart. We talk casually. I want you. After June, these shackles will be broken. I'll wait for you to return in September.
Morning light. Beautiful. A bit of fog will not hamper my sunshine today. Highs around 78. shower. Refreshing in every sense. Jean skirt. Flops. Shades. Ideal. Slow strides. Hair bouncing. Glittering in the golden rays. Smiles. The warm smell of summer sweat enters the air. It is satisfying. It is March this is fantastic. Roof deck. I thought the day could not get any better. Jan calls. More car troubles. I change, run outside, help the almost flat tire. Rewarded by Pietro's dinner. Delicious. We stop to check the car. Hearty laughter. Flat. She'll take my car to work tomorrow.
Best breakfast. my rock. Lauren keeps my head on straight. Deliciousness. Warm bread, eggs. We make each food for each other. We sit and chat. She must go swim and then a massage. I'm green. I sit, not in a fog, just clarification. I write you a letter. Long. Deep. I love you but I feel, alone. You love me but sometimes only show indifference. Our distance does not need to mean we are distant. My emotions are strong. I hit send and feel the pressure off my chest. The first real breath I've taken in weeks. Happiness invades me.
Alone I sit in the dark. My room is silent. My heart is beating so fast. It feels hot. I feel alone, neglected. Everyone is just so indifferent. Agendas that do not involve me. How does this happen? Why does it happen so often? You'd think that a girl loving her boyfriend would be enough. I am not your ex. I am not a bitch. I am not going to cheat on you when you are gone. For once I wish someone would consider my feelings. Over their hurt feelings from previous relationships. I guess you do not know me.
Woodblock. Printmaking. Helping in the lab. Earlier I was painting, I'm doing so much better. "I don't know what has happened to you, but whatever it was I'm liking what it is doing to your art,"my professor is so impressed. Progress. Well I wonder, no I don't. I'm done with all this bullshit. I don't want to pretend anymore. I'm going to do my thing. Stop thinking about what other people think of me and expect from me. I got so much work done today. Now off to the airport to pick up my sister. She's back from Cancun.
Thesis. The epitome of graphic design. I'm not even on this term. My airport trip last night was late. I get to the critique later than I had wanted. Mal didn't come with me but she said she would. Once again: Agendas. I go alone. Get ready for the firing squad they say. A slight tension sweeps over all of us. The first one... isn't finished. Oh God, this isn't a good start. If bullets were available, there would be a pink mist on the back wall. 8-5. What a long day. Tyler's at night with Lauren. Night with Sean.
Touching you just isn't the same. I wish this hadn't happened. This is cold. I was so in love with you I felt myself blossom in your arms. Take this weight off my shoulders. Tell me everything will be ok. You are leaving. I can deal with it. Can you? Why does it feel we can't get our lives back in order? I thought we were in love. I didn't know you could fall out of love so easily. It seems like such a common thing, now-a-days. I want to work this out. We could make magic: you and I.
I went home for Olivia's hair. The only one to ever go to a Bat mitzvah from our family. She had so much fun last night. I tried to wait up for her. She came home late and then I fell asleep. We went shopping today. My dad loves shoes. He has more shoes than some girls in high school. Later we go back, I pick up Corinne. I haven't seen her in ages. I make a great dinner. My mom has been gone for over a week I'm surprised everyone is still alive. I come home for Grey's Anatomy.
Today is the first day of Spring. Yeah! Free Rita's. I go to school for my Figure Drawing Critique. It is so cold out. Nothing would make me feel better than seeing Lauren and taking advantage of Rita's. Well, this is the only tangible thing that would make me feel better. I take the shuttle. It is free. Walk 6 blocks. My teeth are chattering. My hands are burning from the cold. Scott brings chocolates. We make a fantastic dinner. I missed the last shuttle. Nothing to do. I'll take it tomorrow. We fall asleep in her soft, warm bed.
We wanted to wake up early. That never works out. We get ready, looking for schedules for our weekend trip. I'm so excited. I need a change of pace. Painting crit at 3. I help clean in the lab. Dinner in the caf. I take Jen home, she's sick and shouldn't be at school, Lou can run things. We talk about life, stupid students, school. What is good for me? We will work something out. I may teach this summer. My dreams are being revealed. While you're gone, I will stay busy. When you come back I will be complete.
Cake. Missing ingredients. The oven is warm but I leave my house anyway. Corner store. Most delicious cake ever. Why is it not baking right? Done. No time for cleaning I'm late. I sell back my old books to fund my trip. Taco Bell. Park. Grab the shuttle to Chinatown. I'm early. Load the bus. Sit with a girl named Liz. 3.5 hours later I'm in DC. Big hugs. Bob, Katie, and I drink and laugh at some bar with over a 100 beers. Metro. Oh I always love Ty's hugs. TV. Relaxation. Falafel and fries for Free. Deliciousness. Sleep.
We walk all over, catching up. Walk for miles. French Bistro. I'm not allowed to pay for anything. I'm so happy right now. The only thing that would make me happier is if you were here with me also. Why do I kid myself? No negative thoughts while I'm here because this is my weekend. I'm trying to heal my bleeding heart. I think it's already half-dead. Georgetown. Katie, Emily, and Rachel meet us at Madam's Organ. It is fun I have new hair. I'm glad I got to see everyone. Huge slice of pizza. Goodbyes and Goodnight. Late night.
2 hours of sleep, 6:30am I wake. Bob and I catch the metro. Another Chinatown exchange, actually 4 today. DC to Philly it only takes 2 hours. Wait for Lauren. I buy all our round trip tickets. Leave Philly at 12. NY around 3. We run to a nearby bakery they put cream in Lauren's tea. NY to Boston, he we come. Then onto the trolley. We have to run, Boston versus Villanova. 3 minutes left. Night in watching movies at Ryan's. You call, you're having fun with your friends. I wasn't invited. I miss you. My sleep is uneasy.
Breakfast in the caf, this is so weird. We catch the T. We walk miles through Boston. Beautiful. Everyone is so damn nice. I feel out of place. Does everyone lives in homes with white picket fences and golden retrievers? It is so cold. We find Quincy Market food court. So many amazing food choices. Home to get ready. I needed this, I'm so glad I'm with my good friends. Liz is with us too. Cab into the city. A random bar holds the possibilities of a crazy night. I wish we took more pictures. We all had fantastic times.
I don't have an agenda, Lauren does. I had a great time last night, up until I made some phone calls. I told Ryan I stubbed my toe because he caught me crying. We leave 3 hours later than planned. On the bus, to our dismay we don't get separate seats. Lauren's face still stings from last night, it came into contact with my palm. We sleep. Exhaustion has gotten the best of us. We finally make it into NY. I can't meet Joy, she has left already. We make the 8 by mere seconds. Home finally. A good time.
Alone in the dark. Anguish. Confusion. Jealousy. I've never had a life of my own. I finally get one, it shatters; dust so fine it blows hundreds of miles away. It's too late to piece back together. I don't want us to end. It's crazy. My heart is already broken. You said, you never thought I'd be your last girlfriend. I want to punch you. Deep breaths. I can't stop loving you. I don't know why this happened so suddenly. I hope you find yourself. When you do, come find me. I'll be in the dark. I need some light.
A chain, a ring too small for a finger. It burns the heart upon which it rests. Love, Loyalty, Friendship: forgotten. The thought stings. Hot, broken words remain on mind. Longing for what was once there. Nothing is the same. Emptiness sweeps in like a summer breeze. A speck of time has changed them. Love of my life, it brought such joy, now a distant memory. Emotions lie at this juncture. Strength cannot save this one, tears rip into flesh like acid rain. Rain always comes at the most inconvenient times. Smile for the crowd. Time is up. I love-
Awake to bright light. We talk briefly. I cry in the shower. Sunshine. Warm breezes. Bike ride with Jackie. Rita's Italian Ice. South Street with Jan. Lorenzo's for a slice. Moaz for falafel with eggplant. Rita's, surprisingly I do not get another. We drive with the windows down. The sunroof is open. All this fresh air was good for me today. We change to go out. Tara arrives, we thought she drove a tow-truck but she doesn't. Public House. Drinks. Home. You write to me. I will see you tomorrow. Things are ok? I go to sleep with no tears.
Early morning. Long shower. Deep breaths. Eye make-up equals no crying. I don't want to. I come to you with no expectations. 5 minutes away, I contemplate turning back. I love you so much it hurts. Your walk to me seems like an eternity. Small talk, act like ourselves, watch Animal Planet. No tears watching funny shows. Embraces. In your arms a single tear rolls down my cheek. I miss this, -you. A flush of love, our hearts beat together. You said I don't love you, but your eyes say otherwise. I'm a dreamer. Our hug calms my thoughts. Goodbye.
Her call wakes me up early. She is crying. Lauren is still sick. It has been an entire week. I take her to the doctor because the longer she is sick the longer our weekly visits diminish, -something that I can't afford. Beautiful weather. We grab lunch. Once again, not having a campus makes a huge difference on how people meet each other; hence my lacking college experience. We spend some time together. It is good to have that one person that really cares. I take her home, my throat hurts. Zyrtec. Pass out. Unable to think of life. Finally.
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