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BY Michael

04/01 Direct Link

I am all fuzzy-headed and dry-mouthed this morning.  I think I should like to sleep although I am not sleepy at all.  I am thinking this is the meds at work here.  Of course it is.  This is also the limitations of mortality at work here.  The failings of the body delight.  Blocked off.  Stunned.  Seduced by the warmth of the sun.  Sung to sleep by the buzzing of bees, my ears clogged shut by a rather too high pollen count.  Maybe a little overwhelmed by promises I have made.  I just want to sleep.  Didn’t I just say that? 

04/02 Direct Link

I am home again.  Safe.  Almost safe.  I think I need another layer of curtains on the windows.  I could not see that before, but it is clear to me now.  And heavier doors—perhaps I should consider air locks.  There is the expense, but it is more convenient than prying the boards loose from the doors every time I want to go out.  But then, why go out.  My head is heavy.  The last time I went out I got a scratch on my car, an ugly thing all the way down to the primer.  I am not sure how it got there…Perhaps Logan?  A goodbye from an overly affectionate Airedale?

04/03 Direct Link

I took pictures during my visit.  I can review them in my mind.  Looking at them, I realize I miss these people terribly.  A certain light is trying to weep through my window shade.  I am thinking I should eat today.  I have been back now…three days?  There was a kind of violence as if some human bodies will spontaneously burst into flames.  My father sat in his recliner forgetting how to breathe.  I had a seizure and my left hand forgot how to type and how to pick up a cup of coffee properly.  These are temporary inconveniences.

04/04 Direct Link

I fix two eggs for my breakfast this morning.  I cannot find my way out of the fog.  I will trick it later on and crawl out from under it.  It feels warm and mushy…as if I could freeze it hard with something bright and cold and then shatter it with a sudden movement. Of course those ideas can be illusory.  They can fool you into doing very bad things sometimes.  The locusts are howling inside my head again.  It is a minor annoyance.  I put them back, deep in the woods in Ohio in the summer near Kiser Lake.  

04/05 Direct Link

I put them one by one on individual trees.

I had taken my butter to Ohio with me when I left two months ago.  I am surprised to find a half stick to fry the eggs in.  I am clipping locust legs to tall trees around the mouth of Mosquito creek.  Uncle Luther is on his knees there panning for gold.  He is paused in a slanting pillar of sun.  He has found more than he had expected.  Years later he will die in a house trailer in Pennsylvania taking with him his secret of the gold in Mosquito creek.

04/06 Direct Link

I am not sure how to explain three o’clock in the morning.  It is when I woke up.  It is when the fuzz cleared from the seizure.  It is when I remembered I had not sent the corrections to my students from Friday.  Three AM comes with problems.  Do you take your meds?  Do you eat breakfast?  Do you take a nap in the afternoon or just plow through the day hoping your cycle sorts itself out?  This is when you realize that you have been waking up earlier every morning for a while…that your “cycle” is about 22 hours.

04/07 Direct Link

This morning I had my second seizure this month.  It was an ugly dark beast that came lifting up out of the back of my head to swallow my brain.  The EMT who arrived on the scene expertly assured me that most people don’t know when they have seizures.  It occurred to me confused as I was that possibly she had never had one herself or perhaps they are things unique to everyone.  There is the aura.  There is the dream state.  There is the nausea and confusion.   They said my blood sugar was ok.  It felt like a seizure. 

04/08 Direct Link

The seizure itself is an unpleasant thing. It leaves you confused and drained for days and it leaves you vulnerable to the whims of other confused people.  Doctors for example.   I will have to go see my doctor and give myself up now.  He will ask me some irrelevant questions and refer me to a neurologist.    The Neurologist will schedule me for a scan and a week later will tell me the scan showed nothing.  Then he will ask what seizure meds I am taking.  I’m not sure any of the meds I am on now are real seizure meds.

04/09 Direct Link

Once the neurologist realizes he has found an active epileptic running around not appropriately medicated he will start salivating and reaching for his PDR while berating me for “going off” my meds.  My explanation that I was taken off them by another doctor because I developed a necrotic skin rash while he was dosing me with another drug that set up an interaction that left me virtually allergic to all such drugs will go unheard.  We will begin the name the drug and the allergic reaction game.  I will lose because he will have some drug I have never heard of.

04/10 Direct Link

The story will go on after they choose the new drug and convince me to take it.  They are treating me for a “disease.” I have had this for a long time now, longer than many of these doctors have been alive, and I have come to understand it is part of how my body works, and it has its reasons for working this way.  My body will develop a tolerance to this new drug or an allergy or both within a month. The seizures will work out whatever they are supposed to be working out and I will continue.

04/11 Direct Link

I’m scared.  I said that yesterday.  I’ve been scared for a while now.  Not really sure what I am afraid of, but it’s got me shaking I can tell you that much, shakin’,hidin’, and lookin’ over my shoulder.  What is it I expect to see back there?  Someone following me?  Watching me?  Pushing off from the street corner as I am about to touch the next curb and some relative safety?  I don’t get it.  It is not something behind me.  No.  It is something in front of me.  It is somewhere I’m going.  Something I am about to face.  Then I must know about it—Right?

04/12 Direct Link

I got my hair cut today.  It is another one of those things on the list of things to do on the way back to sanity.  It is a long list.  I am a long way off course.  Perhaps I should skip a few steps and step back into the control house.  Unfortunately if things do not work out I could find myself in a third-world jail.  You have got to get a solid underpinning for your mind.   That would be ok and would be helpful could I understand them.  Understand them getter?  The keyboard is slipping off the desk

04/13 Direct Link

There are too many distractions.  Whenever I start to do something, I am pulled in other directions by irrelevant intrusions.  Perhaps this is normal and it is the way things are with most people finding it a challenge to finish even the simplest of tasks.  Perhaps I am unusual and my threshold for interruptions is set too low.  Yet I have been told I have an uncanny ability to focus on things and block out external stimuli.  So where does the truth lay?  Maybe it varies according to some variable such as blood sugar or the phase of the moon.

04/14 Direct Link

I catch the movement of a small ground squirrel up the mulberry tree behind the retaining wall.  The leaves are small and light green.  It is that time of year; the woods are young and old simultaneously, laying a new cycle down on top of the old.  There is a different kind of memory here.  I too have a different kind of memory as my daily list of things to do begins to morph and even the things on it that I begin to ignore change.  Oh, but I am still struggling with the things that transcend these seasonal cycles.

04/15 Direct Link

There is a blue lantern kind of thing in my back yard.  It has been there for several years and I can only guess at how it got there.  I can only guess at what it is; hence I call it a lantern thing.  It looks like a blue glass cylinder with large brass fittings on either end.  It may be a humming bird feeder or some such.  I have never looked at it closely and have no idea if it contains anything.  I may have even stepped over it without picking it up to look at it more closely.

04/16 Direct Link

The writing feels strange and awkward without the laptop.  Well, it has felt strange and awkward since the seizures.  To be honest typing has felt strange and awkward since then.  It has always been strange …well everything has been strange for a while now and I am not sure but it is like I have been in a fog for a long time.  I know I keep using the word…well the word “confused keeps coming up.  The word “clarity” seems to be particularly meaningful to me.  There is something I cannot quite put my finger on here.  Something not right.

04/17 Direct Link

There are days I think I would like to clarify what is happening.  But that is often more difficult that it would seem.  You can’t just tie a string around it and then measure the distance it ranges and then calculate the circumference of the sphere it describes and therefore the volume and have that mean anything.  Perhaps it would mean something because you could record the volume from day to day and it would change and then you could graph the change in volume from day to day or merely the volume or the vector of the string…the velocity…

04/18 Direct Link

I have considered dialogue.  Dialogue requires someone else and there is a new difficulty here as each other person seems to be involved in exactly the same or similar kind of thing I am even though they are often not aware of it and if I create an awareness of it then it causes some kind of fracture in the bubble that separates us…bubble of uncertainty?    I know I need to be more specific here…More scientific.  I am so dull-headed.  And with every revolution I am met with a new version of the other person and the dialogue begins anew.

04/19 Direct Link

In short, there are several reasons that dialogue is not feasible although one would think it would be an economical short cut.  It in fact is not.  It is a ruse.  Nearly a cruel ruse.  One must ask whether the Universe is indeed cruel, because this would beg a hoard of questions.  At this point I am willing to stipulate that the Universe is not cruel.  A large lovely rainbow trout leaps out of the sparkling stream dashing down the side of the hill outside of my window.  Unaccountably the stream freezes to solid ground.  The trout becomes a rock.

04/20 Direct Link

I can report what I see, what I feel, even what I suspect, but we know that it is irrelevant to your own bubble.  We know that first off that what you understand of what you read will not be what I understood of what I have written, unless I have intruded in the first place and fractured your bubble of uncertainty and cancelled the dialogue. 

The nature of pain is perhaps associated with fractured uncertainty.   It is interesting that that pursuing some of these ideas and their associations alone will produce seizure-like symptoms.  A robin thrashes in the waterfall.   

04/21 Direct Link

Lester looks in the plate There lying with the steak and his confusion is clearly part of his tongue, neatly sawed in half.  He can feel the blood gargling at the corner of his mouth.  This is a bad thing.  He cannot go to the ER.  That will mean the end of his freedom he knows.   This is a terrible mistake.  But they could fix it.  He is scared.  Filled with Anxiety, leaping up from the table into fog.That evening he looks in the  mirror.  His shirt is soaked with dried blood. There is nothing for it but the peroxide.

04/22 Direct Link

The air is moist.  You can tell.  It hangs transparent and velvet touching the sky.  We sleep in life and in death.  One would think it would be important to manage the time we had so that it were used as efficiently as possible, so that we could have touched the moistness of the sky.  Check that off.  So that we could have breathed the dust on the back on a pony. Check that off.  Yet in death none of that matters.  So it seems.  There must be something else that matters.  To sleep well?  Because here we truly sleep.

04/23 Direct Link

I had to re-load my laptop.  The virus started the first of March by eating anti-virus programs and graduated by the end of the month to eating browsers.  By mid-April it was munching happily on Windows.  It seemed to delight in annexing existing programs  for its own purposes.  Windows firewall became come one, come all.  Windows updater became virus replicator.  I ran out of restore points and my restore disks did not work.  I called HP and for thirty bucks they sent me out a set of disks to restore my machine to store-bought new.  What a deal!  Virus eliminated.

04/24 Direct Link

I had to cheat to get my word processor open.  That is just one more thing I suppose I will have to fix here.  This being the one of the places where I am allowed to fix things,  one of the smooth wooden cubbies laid out neatly before and around me with tools and little projects, ideas, broken birds, and new colors about to take flight.  In one is a collection of slightly used fairy wings.  I was thinking of sending them to my niece, but there is no telling what the trip through the mail would do to them.

04/25 Direct Link

I haven’t had my nap yet today.  As a result I’m not too far off my schedule all things considered. Lately I have gotten into a habit of taking a nap almost every day. It’s not a bad thing.  Some say a daily nap is good for you.  But I should learn to schedule the darn thing because it is sure to happen whether I like it or no,  and It puts a pretty big hole in my day if I don’t plan for it That is the difference between an interruption and a task.  It is in the planning.

04/26 Direct Link

It is later than I think it is.  It always gets that way, the day squeezing itself into a vice, chipping corners off its knees in the process, not even taking time to open the jaws properly, just forcing itself in like some blood-shot insulin crazed piece of greasy soft wood.  The sun is coming down as I sit down to my desk, coming through a dirty window right into my eyes and I know I am going to wish I had closed that blind but that is when I realize the Snake is sitting across the room from me.

04/27 Direct Link

How did she get in, I wonder, but not too long, but for any woman to get herself a name like that in this town takes all kinds of deeds and I am more interested in how I am going to get myself out but she has already seen me seeing her and I go ahead and sit down with the sun in my eyes.  Why had I not shut that blind?  This is not going to go well.  I cannot even make out the look on her face as the sits there, a spot in the middle of the sun.

04/28 Direct Link

    I’m thinking maybe I will get up and go close that blind.  I’ll just have to lean over her a little.  It makes me feel queasy exposing my belly to her that way.  I’m thinking maybe I will get lucky and she will only want money but then I realize I don’t have any money and won’t have any money until Wednesday.  She will never believe me and that will just make her mad.  It’s not that she will hurt me in any real way, well, not that anyone will see immediately… that sun is burning holes in my retinas. 

04/29 Direct Link

I had heard that she was in country on fake papers and that she was actually under age.  I think she spread some of these rumors herself to terrify the guys over in Hartland.  She pulled a booger out of her nose, inspecting it like she would a potential business partner…at least that was what I made out in the swimming sunspot.  Wiping her hand on the arm of my chair, she waved it and said, “Useless,”   and unslouched herself from the chair and strutted out of my office with the door snicking shut behind her.  My door never snicks. 

04/30 Direct Link

I’m sitting looking there where the Snake had been sitting.  The sun has dropped below the window sill, but there are still those blotches in my eyes.  There is a blotch on the leather where she was sitting and I close my eyes and it will not go away.  I think to go close that blind but I am dimly aware that the sun has gone down now, that it is ok; that the Snake has left and I do not have any new holes in my soul.  There are no curios on my desk, no graffiti on my walls.