BY ME114

08/01 Direct Link
Went to "Global Arts" group as usual on a Thursday. We do crafts. I could do crafts at home, but I don't. Laziness, among other reasons. It's a therapy group with exercises to fill out. Thinking of quitting, but maybe I'll stay a bit longer. Been even more reclusive than usual for quite awhile. I finally finished my second stencilled-banner-thing except the bottom ribbon needs better glue. I'd made a cloth & papier mâché footed bowl inspired by the famous Egyptian footed bowl at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, but I painted it in shades of metallic gold.
08/02 Direct Link
There's been more death in my life since my last entry.

On my birthday 2012, my friend Beth died. Her boyfriend, Mike & I were at the hospital. Very sad, but I felt honored to have been there when she went.

I had to take the cat I'd given her. I'll write about Tab some other time. He died 6/20/13.

In the winter, I moved Mom to a facility here, which worked out fine until cancer took her on the morning of this past Mother's Day. I had her body shipped back to NY for the funeral in NJ.
08/03 Direct Link
I almost forgot to write. "Don't forget to write!" Remember how people used to say that when you went on a trip or something? Part of summer camp was writing and receiving letters. I wonder if that's what it's like now, or do kids have computers at summer camp? I couldn't imagine how much the world would change. I don't know if I ever grew up. (This is somewhat stream-of-consciousness.) My then-elders were jealous of my youth, but I didn't ask to be young, and now I didn't ask to be middle aged or whatever this is.
08/04 Direct Link
I didn't write on Sunday, so I'm trying to think of what to write, what did I do, what did I think about that day? Lazy again. Nothing but watched TV all weekend. Of all the stupid reruns, I've gotten pretty attached to Car 54, Where Are You? I was a toddler when that show was on the air and have seen reruns years ago. I like it because it is so dated, and it was filmed in the Bronx. Much of my family was from the Bronx, brings some memories. There were some really good actors in it, too.
08/05 Direct Link
Today was another wasted day except that I went to pay my car insurance. Two of the reasons I stopped writing for so long are:

1. My life is boring and
2. When it isn't boring, it's sad.

I've already written about the deaths that have happened in my life since I was last writing here, so that's what I mean. Ugh.

There have also been births, though, to a couple who are friends of mine. I'll write about that when the next birth happens, which will probably be next month.

Now: I wish the summer heat would end already.
08/06 Direct Link
I try to remember August 6th is Hiroshima Day. When I was a kid, I learned about it in summer camp. The sunset added sweet drama to a stirring presentation we had about it on a stage that was nothing but a platform in a hilly field. I don't remember much else. We'd sing, "I Come And Stand At Every Door" and the John Hersey book "Hiroshima" was popular. I still have a copy.

My parents did not share those views and feelings. They remembered the bombing as necessary to end the war, and didn't want to hear about it.
08/07 Direct Link
Today is Danny's birthday. He would have been 52.

I had another dream today that his death was a hoax. I watch too much TV, and this only happens in fiction. I wish desperately that it were true, but that's impossible. Since I lost him, I've come to resent any jokes about suicide.

There's a part of me that feels like he's going to come home. Danny was the love of my life, my whole world, my steady date, my closest friend. He was my husband whom I still love. That never goes away, but I don't want it to.
08/08 Direct Link
I have no idea of what I may have wanted to write about on Thursday. I often come up with a topic so if I don't write on that day, I'll know what I intended to write, so it's all the same. Otherwise, I'll just have to write about whatever happened that day which is okay sometimes, or just go on with nothing like I'm doing right this minute writing this. I've explained this before in some past entry.

Nothing much happened. I took Koji to the vet for an irritated eye, went to the crafts group, then food shopping.
08/09 Direct Link
My friend Sarah came over briefly; she needed a small favor, I won't go into details. She graduated from school though still interns with a charitable organization and mainly does tutoring. She unloads about frustrations she deals with there along with significant triumphs. With all that's going on, she's having her last baby soon - a boy - 4th child, 3rd pregnancy. The last birth was fraternal twins. Her husband has been caring for the kids much of the time and will go back to school for another major, but he'll skip Fall Semester so he can help with the new baby.
08/10 Direct Link
Day has turned into night and night has turned into day. Sleep is messed up maybe worse than ever. I don't know why I do these things. Staying up all night, putting things off, watching too much TV, having NO idea what to write, coming up with subjects, quickly discarding them. I was supposed to write this last night, but I just couldn't. The brain wouldn't do it. This may be the most boring entry yet. Don't bother reading it, go on the next person's entry, you'll be better off. Too late now. Sorry you wasted your time reading this.
08/11 Direct Link
Love. I wonder statistically how many people are in love, how many have their significant other.

I had love, I had a husband. I never expected to be a widow, especially not beginning at the age of 48. Suicide leaves damaged people behind like me.

Before I met Danny, I had only one serious relationship and very few dating experiences. Shyness, I'd say. Seemed like I was unworthy of love, but no, I was married, I was loved.

I do not want to date and I don't want another relationship, but I miss Danny and I miss being in love.
08/12 Direct Link
Just read an article online that loneliness decreases longevity. Several replied, "What about cats? Don't cats count as friends?" Yes, mine help. Danny and I had usually 5 cats and I have 5 again. I'm not completely isolated including Facebook which actually helps. I've been inclined to avoid social events like seeing bands, but I think I'm okay. Social anxiety can be worse than loneliness. Really, there have been many times in my life where I was with people frequently but felt more lonely. I don't feel a huge need to simply be around people, I just miss Danny terribly.
08/13 Direct Link
It's good to have first-time experiences once in awhile, even if they're minor things. I went food shopping again at a store I like and I was remembering the first time I went there. It seemed like such a shock because it was in place of Borders Books & Music. Sadly, that whole chain went out of business. I much prefer the smaller stores even if they cost more than the supermarkets. Among other things, I bought fresh figs which I'd never tasted before. They're not juicy or crisp, but soft with a mild sweetness. Goes well with other foods.
08/14 Direct Link
I completely forgot to go to the dentist. I've set it up to go four times a year instead of twice. I want to avoid ever having root canal again. At least one of my past entries was about that awful experience.

It wasn't all that long ago I brought Mom for her first and last dental exam there. I had also brought Mom to my doctor, hoping supplements could help her. I had good intentions when I moved Mom to live at that facility near me, but as I said, her cancer took her sooner than I had expected.
08/15 Direct Link
I'd hoped to celebrate Mom's 86th birthday with her this past July, but - oh, well. When I took her things, I found her barely-used puzzle books. Mom liked the fill-it-in books, and she showed me how she did them. I used to buy some for her when I visited her in NY. The one I'm doing now is from a year after Dad passed. She completed one puzzle, ripped part of the first page out for no reason, and judging by what I see of the two incomplete puzzles, she was losing her ability to do them.
08/16 Direct Link
Sarah called today while she was at her internship. They need someone to teach bicycle chain jewelry, she said. It's for charity, how could I refuse? I'd taught three different bead jewelry classes at Michaels for five years. I own a bike chain bracelet I once bought, but I've never worked with bicycle chain or parts. She had me speak with the person in charge of this, and I have yet to receive an email from him. Thanks to Pinterest, I collected lots of pictures of jewelry made of and with bike parts. I hope I can work this out.
08/17 Direct Link
Whew, I haven't laughed for that long since...I dont' know when. It's Saturday night, I'm watching MeTV with really old reruns plus Svengoolie, a funny and faux-spooky character who presents and wisecracks about old horror flicks. What made me really LOL was Flash Gordon in "Svensurround," meaning, with hilarious dubbed dialogue.

Last week and this were a series of 2 ridiculously bad mummy movies. I believe I've figured out what danger are the various slow-moving movie monsters - I mean, think about it, most of them are not fast. It's the element of surprise. Suddenly, there's a monster!
08/18 Direct Link
Staying up too late, watching old videos on YouTube of shows like What's My Line and You Bet Your Life. Timeless and hilarious as ever! Then again, anything with Groucho...

On the serious side was an interesting segment from I've Got A Secret. The contestant was 96 year old Samuel J. Seymour who, at the age of 5, witnessed Lincoln's assassination. He'd remembered being "scared to death." He didn't know the president had just been shot when Booth jumped onto the stage, breaking his leg, and thus had been more concerned about the man who fell out of the balcony.
08/19 Direct Link
Addicted to Google Maps. Up all night again putting things off while I do a virtual walk along the shore at the Western Cape in Cape Town, South Africa. First saw a neighborhood of a poorer area with tiny houses, some brightly painted with decorative details. Then, I wanted to see the ocean. Tourist area - stunning! Went along the Seapoint Promenade where some enjoyed the beach. Beautiful white-painted buildings, windblown trees, blue & green water, white sand, rocks, jagged mountains, people, everything awash in the bright December sun. All looks expensive, but I wish I could go there for real.
08/20 Direct Link
Making a life for myself without Danny is a long challenge. My therapist is trying to help me find and believe my strengths. I'm not 100% sure I know what that means. She asked what would Danny think I was good at. "Cooking" sprang to mind. I think he's with me at therapies. Danny used to say he liked everything I cooked except "that cereal." It was a terrible hot cereal mix on sale at the health food store; that doesn't count. Also, that I was a good bass player from when he taught me, but I know very little.
08/21 Direct Link
I thought about what I wrote on my Google Maps virtual visit to Cape Town, South Africa. I didn't mean to sound flippant in describing the area with the small, decorative houses as the poorer section, and then go on to extol the beauty of the touristy shoreline area. Undoubtedly, many residents of Cape Town still suffer tragic injustices, inequalities and violence despite that apartheid has ended. I was simply making visual observations, nothing more. In reality, I've seen a similar situation in Atlantic City, NJ with opulent casinos/hotels in front of decaying neighborhoods, though that was years ago.
08/22 Direct Link
It's impossible to list inventions and say which is the most significant, but I'll do some.

1. Antibiotics. Think about how often in your life you've needed them. There was a lot more death before they were invented.
2. Electricity. That's a no-brainer, and besides, it's made so many other inventions possible.
3. The telephone. Communication is hugely important for the growth of any society. You could say the same thing for the telegraph in its day.
4. The washing machine. Do you want to wash clothes on a rock?

I only got 4 out. I'll finish in installments.
08/23 Direct Link
Continuing with the list of what I think of as the most important inventions. Well, it's a partial list.

5. Books/writing/language. Of course. Really, I should have put that second, not that this is in any kind of order.
6. The internal combustion engine. There are other methods of propulsion for transportation, but this was revolutionary. Now we need viable fossil fuel alternatives.
7. Cat litter/litter box. If you have cats like I do, you'll understand.
8. Anesthesia. I won't mention every medical miracle (I listed antibiotics first), but this is HUGE.

To be continued yet again.
08/24 Direct Link
Continuing. Subject is great inventions. I'll make it an even dozen.

9. TV/Radio. I'll put them together; throw in movies and recordings with that. The worldwide impact on nearly all of human culture is undeniable.
10. Medical devices. Yes, medical again, but I'm including prosthetics, orthotics, anything dental, eyeglasses, hearing aids, wheelchairs, whatever makes functioning possible or better. We all use or have used something.
11. Wheels/gears. That's obvious.
12. Computers/Internet. It's pretty amazing to be living in a time where I've seen these develop. They and cell phones have changed everything.
08/25 Direct Link
My brother just called to tell me our aunt has passed away. I have trouble saying "died" about someone I've loved. Dad had two sisters; Florence was the youngest of the three siblings. Only one sister is left whom I'll write about another time. All of my uncles are gone as are my parents. The funeral will be on Wednesday and I don't think I can make it. I'd need to catch a flight, like, now and get to NJ.

My Aunt Florence was one of the sweetest, most loving people I'd ever known. She leaves behind sons and grandchildren.
08/26 Direct Link
My occasional addiction to Google Maps keeps me up all night. I virtual-visited Cape Town again and found a beautiful, modern city and neighborhoods of varying economic levels. I crave seeing the shoreline again, so I will. I also went to some places I've been to in real life like Washington, DC where at one point, the photographers went completely into a hair salon so you see at least one photographer blurred in a mirror. In my hometown, saw the 9/11 memorial; went to Sag Harbor,(Long Island); Las Vegas (was there in '72) and some other places.
08/27 Direct Link
PBS was and is showing several documentaries on the Civil Rights Movement. I watched some including one I'd seen before on the Freedom Riders. It's because tomorrow is the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington. I was only 3½ at the time. Although I have memories from 3 years old, I don't specifically remember this, though I saw it on the news. I remember the 60s as full of violence, turmoil and injustice, the main issues being civil rights and Vietnam. I remember the South looking like a horrible, dangerous place full of bigotry. Now, I live in GA.
08/28 Direct Link
I didn't feel like writing, but I can go with what I was thinking and doing.

The 28th was, as I mentioned the day before, the 50th anniversary of The March on Washington. I caught the televised commemoration from right before the President's speech. I thought it went well and was very appropriate, putting it in context with current struggles for equality for all, including economic fairness.

After that, (long story much shorter), I bought a friend needed prescription iron supplements and vitamin C, bought food and cooked a healthy, iron-rich salad-meal for him and whoever wanted some.
08/29 Direct Link
I did go to my crafts therapy group today. At the moment, some of us are working on fabric beads. I have a personal history working with beads and as I've written of here before, I used to teach 3 different types of beaded jewelry classes.

I've made paper beads and even taught them once as requested, and this is similar but with fabric. I'm decorating them with strips of printed fabric, will add some gold paint and maybe more. I've decorated wood beads the same to match. Macramé is back and I'd like to use it with these beads.
08/30 Direct Link
The cats seem to be over their colds. It started with Koji when I brought him to the vet for his follow-up after treating his sore eye. He had terrible sneezing. He became withdrawn and when I realized he wasn't eating due to his cold, I gave him canned food. Wish I'd rescheduled the appointment for sooner. In a week, he'd lost too much weight. Blood work showed pancreatitis. Fluids and cortisone cured it. Coincidentally, someone posted on FB about feline pancreatitis. It can be deadly. Koji seems fine now, but I'll worry and maybe have him retested sometimes.
08/31 Direct Link
It would've been too expensive, too rushed for me to travel for the funeral. My brother visited while the family was/is sitting Shivah. I left a message with my cousin, Michael, eldest of Aunt Florence's three sons. I'd have called again, but he returned my call. It was good to talk to him. I didn't ask, but he said she went peacefully in her sleep and had her children and grandchildren around. Jill, one of her daughters-in-law, held her hand. Jill wrote to me on FB "She told me she was ready" but we'll all miss her.