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BY ME114

06/01 Direct Link
Went with some friends to see MIB III and then to hang out at their house. Yeah, it was fun. I liked the movie. I don’t know why I had expected to like it more, though it was the only Men in Black that I saw in a movie theater. Long story short, it was a fun evening altogether, albeit a long one. I was not in the best shape to drive home for a while. Last weekend from Thursday through Sunday, I was surprisingly busy socially with visiting and going to see musicians I know play. There’ll be more.
06/02 Direct Link
Another useless day. Got addicted to watching TV again, mostly movies. It’s good to have TCM again. The movies I watched were ones I’d been wondering about for years, especially “Alice’s Restaurant,” which I’d wanted to see for probably most of my life. Of course, I know the song pretty well, but until tonight, never had a chance to see the movie. It was okay, though some things about it could’ve been better. It seemed like “Alice” was angry almost all the time. Years ago, Danny & I saw Arlo play live; that’s another evening I wish I could re-live!
06/03 Direct Link
When I was in my early 20s and going out with Paul, he took me to see Dave Allen, a British TV comedian in a one-man show on Broadway. I’ve always been fan of British Comedy. We enjoyed it, and after, waited by the stage door with a handful of other audience members. Amazingly, Dave Allen not only came out to see us, he brought us all inside to sit, talk and drink champagne with him. It was the most delicious champagne I ever had, even to this day! He was so refined; to me he was like James Bond.
06/04 Direct Link
I asked if I should get a gift for Crystal; Sarah suggested I make earrings. It had been some time since I’d made jewelry. Crystal should wear Swarovski crystal, I decided. Purple is her favorite color, so I bought a packet of bicones which I believe are “periwinkle” as a bluish purple. Got seed beads that matched well and a delicate sterling chandelier finding, plus plated leverbacks. I almost gave up on making anything; I couldn’t find my pliers and magnifiers, everything is in disarray. But then I found all I needed, took another sleepless night. Glad she liked them.
06/05 Direct Link
Again, I wasn’t going to go to “Seeking Safety” group. I often think it doesn’t apply to me all that much and I don’t want to bother, but again, I went anyway. I’m glad I went as I usually am. The focus at the moment is on “discovery.” I won’t go into detail, but basically, it’s trying something without being interrupted by doubts, anxieties, and negative expectations. That includes recognizing the feelings and thoughts you have about the situation before and during the situation. I have yet to try a Pilates class at the gym, so I may use that.
06/06 Direct Link
Didn’t do much of anything. At least I finally got my mother’s phone turned back on. I’ve been terrible about paying bills, just putting it off. Then again, I had doubts that Mom even used the phone anymore, but she said she wanted it, so I had it turned back on and set up automatic payment. If I could pay her rent that way, it would make things much easier. Her rent has been higher because of a program she’s on where they keep her occupied all day, but they’re going to try putting her back into the general population.
06/07 Direct Link
Problem solved; what a relief! I didn’t think the modem was the cause, but when I came across my new modem I wasn’t using, I tried it and going through a few steps with AT&T, I managed to get online – yay! Now I’ll be able to upload my 100 Words, among other things. This one is so much faster as it should be! Yes, it costs money to buy a new computer, but I look at it this way: having the Internet brings the world to you, and with a slow computer, many minutes of your life are being wasted.
06/08 Direct Link
I will hire help for my brother. Diabetes and hypertension have caused him a detached retina. Part of what I wrote him today:

There are many diabetes educators because there are many people with diabetes, so you're far from alone on this with people who have to change their lifestyles to stay alive. There are times in life when we all need to see professionals, and a doctor can't do everything, though he can make referrals, so I'll contact his office if necessary. Don't worry about the cost, your life is more important than money or your job or anything.
06/09 Direct Link
I made more jewelry, this time for Kim for her birthday. It was easier to just buy what beads I wanted to design with. I went for a fairly simple, neutral palette of tigereye, a black bead with a goldish accent that goes well with it, several black beads, a larger glass bead of clear yellowish and stripes with black inside, and tiny silvery spacers. I made earrings to match, though I kept breaking the crimp on the second one - frustrating! I also bought an unfinished wood box to contain it, and can decorate it for her if she likes.
06/10 Direct Link
Today would have been our 24th wedding anniversary. I'm sad and somewhat resentful that I can't really celebrate it anymore. I still miss Danny all the time and have moments when it feels unbearable that I'll never see him again (except in the afterlife if there is one where we get to be with our loved ones). I don't think I'll ever lose some part of me that believes he'll eventually come home. My love for Danny doesn't just evaporate. Unlike some people, I don't grieve by avoidance. I need to talk about him, see his picture, hear his music.
06/11 Direct Link
I haven't written about my cats yet this month as they're often the subject of my entries. Last time I wrote, the two kittens were still small. Now they're almost full grown, as far as I can tell. I never expected to adopt kittens when I took Miette in and then Cami & Tyli two years later, but if I may say so, I'm proud and thankful of the loving, happy cats they've developed into. Koji, the only male is still a loving cat who gets along great with them, and Serena can be sweet. She's fine, but is getting old.
06/12 Direct Link
I'm in the worst habit of staying up all night watching TV and being addicted to the old reruns. But now that I'm an adult, I think I understand the details of I Love Lucy and some others in ways I never did before. Sometimes I'm up until 7 am when Family Affair is on. I've come to love it for the pleasant characters, cute kids, and being a sweet fantasy. It's hard to imagine any family in real life having parents or guardians who are always calm, caring and never lose their temper, and children who are always unselfish.
06/13 Direct Link
My friends, Sarah and Kenneth who have 3 babies, were out of diapers and wipes, so I got them some again. Sarah was at school, but when Kenneth told her that their daughter had a fever, Sarah wanted to come home and I volunteered to pick her up. We stopped and got medicine for the fever, and I also got some rubbing alcohol and cotton pads to help. I remember being rubbed down with alcohol when I had a high fever as a kid in summer camp. She'll be okay; Kenneth said the fever had to do with her teething.
06/14 Direct Link
Brought Koji to the vet today, which wasn't easy. In carriers, he rubs his nose raw, so I put him in a pet car seat which worked out last time. Today, he got out of the harness and was loose in the car for part of the trip. Scary! (Don't ever buy a harness that doesn't join at the chest and at the back.) It can be dangerous if a cat gets under your right leg when you're driving. On the way home, I steered with my left hand, my right arm extended to hold Koji down and comfort him.
06/15 Direct Link
Tonight history was made. Nik Wallenda crossed Niagara Falls on a tightrope. It had never been done before. The wind was the worst part, he said, and all that mist was daunting. I couldn't see well either through the bombardment of TV reception "snow." Ha, digital cable. At least I saw & heard the event, which was broadcast live. Camera and audio coverage was complete, including his ability to be heard the whole time, and he prayed during much of it. While it was happening - especially when he said his arms felt physically strained - I wished him strength, calm and control.
06/16 Direct Link
We here in the U.S. hear very little about popular music of other countries, especially when the songs are not in English. I'm thinking of rock music in particular. I learned tonight about a Russian band, DDT, who are gigantically popular and have won various music awards. They've existed since 1980, but had to work underground for years of their career and are still politically controversial. I like some of their songs, though it's hard - yet worthwhile - to get past the language barrier (even with translations) and some references perhaps only Russians would intrinsically understand on an emotional level.
06/17 Direct Link
It was Father's Day. Maybe I should've spent it looking at pictures of Dad and reading his poetry, stuff like that. Yeah, but then sometimes I get tired of mourning. I can't help but be sad that Dad is not around anymore. I wanted to write here another memory of Dad.

Okay, what good things have I gotten from Dad? Explanations of electronics & related subjects, poetry, memories of songs he sang around the house, a feeling of security, some knowledge of family history, army stories, laughs, a shared love of the Marx Brothers, walks, fishing, vacations... there are always more.
06/18 Direct Link
When Danny & I got married, we were living in the band house. It was where the band, except the bass player, their significant others (which included me) and some friends lived, and where the band very loudly practiced and sometimes recorded. We got married in the backyard. Chip - a sound man and great guy - shared the attic rooms with his daughter. Charlotte was 4 at that time.

The other day, Chip posted on Facebook a photo from Charlotte's wedding. She's only a few months younger than I was when I got married.

Now, I've been a widow for 4 years.
06/19 Direct Link
To cook salmon is really easy. Use enough foil to completely enclose the fillet. I use non-stick foil. (Parchment might work; never tried it.) Add seasonings. Teriyaki, especially with added fresh garlic and grated ginger root is always good!

Completely seal the packet and cook for about 20 - 30 minutes at around 350º or 375º. You can do this in a toaster oven. Check for doneness. When done, pour off the drippings and thicken to make a gravy if desired.

If you cooked it without garlic or onions, cut up the salmon skin and give it to the cats.
06/20 Direct Link
You say you're hurting, lonely, have debts, pressures, no way out?

What the HELL makes you think suicide solves ANYTHING?

How do you know that after death you wouldn't be lonely, frustrated and still have to deal with pain and problems?

How do you know you won't be seeing your loved ones going through the broken-hearted devastation of your loss for the rest of their lives?

YOU DON'T KNOW!

You think no one cares? If a friend or stranger were drowning and you could save them, you would. That means you care.

SUICIDE IS NOT A RISK WORTH TAKING!
06/21 Direct Link
5 a.m. again. I don't know why I do it, it's a terrible habit, hard to break. There's usually something I'm putting off doing and this time, it's writing here, so I'm writing any damn thing just to get it done. Then, I got distracted on the Internet; it's usually one distraction or another. Part of it is hating to put in an effort to get to sleep, which brings on hot flashes. They're not only miserable heat, they wake up my brain. I bought a new fan that has remote control. This should help. So far, so good.
06/22 Direct Link
Beth called needing corn for chowder she was making. I didn't stay long, dropped off an ear of corn and some pain medication for Mike's arthritis, did some errands and came back. She and Mike made a very delicious dinner of chowder with shrimp in it, summer squash & zucchini in a tomato mixture and a bit of hot spice, and toasted garlic bread. Hot spices are usually a problem for me, but with the creamy chowder, it went well. Listened to music, and it was a nice evening to a much-too-hot day. I'll be relieved when summer ends.
06/23 Direct Link
Kim invited me to come to Statesboro and Savannah with her and her daughter who will be starting school at Georgia Southern. I'd been really looking forward to going, but there were reasons I decided not to go. Besides, in this heat I'd rather not travel further south. I spoke with Kim yesterday. She told me how beautiful the campus is, and how busy they'd been, getting her daughter settled and meeting other mothers and daughters. I'd have felt out of place, probably. I hope they're having a good time and I look forward to hearing more about the trip.
06/24 Direct Link
Since I almost always write in June - being it was a June when I started - there have always been references to blueberries. Today was the second time I picked them since they've ripened and I'm sure it was the biggest harvest I'll have had this season. If you have a yard and will be living at the same place awhile, plant some blueberry bushes. It may take a few years to bear fruit, but it's very worthwhile! You'll eventually get more blueberries than you'd ever be able to afford buying at a store, and they taste much better, more complex.
06/25 Direct Link
Caught part of the Steve Wilkos Show which was a compilation of children dealing with difficult parents, most with drug problems. Not that I'd call in response to poll questions, but I thought about the answer to...
Is being a kid in today's society tougher than ever?
...in terms of my childhood. At first, no, problems are just different. Then I changed my mind. When I grew up, everyone I knew came from a household of a whole family with parents married to each other, regardless of economic background. It wasn't perfect, but at least creating children wasn't taken lightly.
06/26 Direct Link
After my previous post, I regretted it. It's just a general observation of societal trends and doesn't apply to everyone in non-traditional families, single parents, etc. I have no intentions of insulting anyone. You can agree, you can disagree. If you're at an age where you want to have children, realize there is no bigger commitment you could ever make. It will change your lifestyle forever and whomever is the other parent is someone who will be in your life forever. You may rise to the occasion, you may sink into despair, but check your selfishness at the door.
06/27 Direct Link
I haven't sworn off meat, but I've become mostly vegetarian, usually avoiding meat. Maybe it'll last; it just sort of happened.
I couldn't resist the large "Taco" flavored Doritos on sale for $2 with the old package design I remember. I turned about a handful into a nachos meal. I shredded cheddar and cut up grape tomatoes. Added tempeh I cooked with mushrooms, soy sauce and other seasonings. Microwaved for about a minute, then added salad greens, a diced half of avocado and a little low-fat parmesan dressing. It was really good, but I should've added sweet peppers.
06/28 Direct Link
Not sure what to write; I'll wing it. Today the big news has been the new healthcare bill passing. It's a huge controversy. I tend to be in favor of it on the whole. There's no perfect solution, none of it is easy. I won't go into it further.

The weather has been hot and horribly hot. Tomorrow the high here is supposed to be 104°. I'm avoiding going out more than ever.

I was up all night again last night, slept too long during the day. Had another unpleasant dream, something with Mom and being terribly depressed in it.
06/29 Direct Link
I took a telephone survey. Maybe it'll lead to (groan) more telemarketers though she assured me it wouldn't. It wasn't political, which was a surprise since during campaigns, political surveys are inevitable. Most of it was asking what media I use: Do you read this newspaper, that newspaper? Same with how many hours do I watch TV, which hours, did you watch this channel yesterday, did you watch between this hour and that hour? Do you listen to the radio, use the Internet... and on, etc. Yeah, I watch waaaaay too much TV. I'm glad I made her laugh sometimes.
06/30 Direct Link
Maybe I'll go to NY in July, though not in time for the Macy's fireworks. Mom's birthday is towards the end of July; I'll consider it. August or later would be easier.
A social worker called the other day from where Mom lives. Mom was panicked,
"Are you in NY?" and "What are you doing in Georgia?" "Mom, I've been living here for 24 years..." "Oh, yeah." I reminded her of other things, too. She's maybe too confused to know how to use her phone anymore - it's just a land line. When I visit, she won't remember I was there.