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Written today, my ďNeed to do thisĒ list, slightly edited here. Itís an ambition, and some of it will take time.
Self-Discipline: to be my religion
Exercise and Health: to be my grounding
Calmness - Energy - Focus: to be my demeanor
School and Study: will be my work
Learning and Creativity: to be my mental exercise
Preparedness: to be my main tool
Fun and Social Activity: to be my reward
Therapy, Rest and Food: to be my fuel
Integrity: to be my cornerstone
Time: to be my blank canvas
Balance in All These Things: to be my way to survive
Iím uploading very short videos to Webshots of Danny and Frank playing guitars outdoors from a few years ago. That was a great day! We were visiting Jacksonville, seeing as many people as Danny wanted to and/or was able to see. Frank, Karen, Franksís brother and his wife had a barbecue, just the six of us, if I remember right. Good food, great company, lots of good memories especially from Frank, Danny and Karen, from the days of The Attitudes. We missed Judd, our friend and bass player. If thereís music in the afterlife, Danny and Judd are together.
I ran into a friend I knew from a job I had years ago, or rather, she ran into me. You know what I mean. Wow, Sherrie and I hadn't seen each other in seven years. Iíd like to get together with her some time. Last time I'd seen her was probably right after her second son was born, so heís seven now. Before that was the baby shower. Seems like maybe a month ago. Hard to believe so much time has passed. When I saw him, he was just a little preemie. Now heís healthy, active, and a handful.
Went to orientation. Iím actually doing it this time, finally going back to school. Itís just a technical college, but Iím hoping to do well enough to go further. I do feel more open to learning at this time in my life, and there are so many differences now in education in general. For one thing, there are computers and the Internet. Hard to believe three classes is a ďfull load.Ē When I was in college, we had as many classes as we did in high school. Itís a relief, though, but I worry anyway whether I can handle it.
Up all night again after sleeping all day. I donít know why I was so tired. Now Iím stuck on the computer. I thought I was getting better with my sleep schedule, but hereís another setback. Of course, Iíll have to get more into a routine when I start going to college (that sounds so weird to me at my age!), but at least the first class wonít start till after noon. All three classes will be twice a week, packed into two days - Monday and Wednesday. Iím thinking that Tuesdays Iíll probably be going in to do homework there.
Get Him to the Greek
was funny. I can write about this movie without spoiling it. You really feel for the character ďAaronĒ when he has to put up with people in positions of power who insist on one thing to the point of making him terrified, then totally change their minds and blame him for not knowing what theyíre thinking. Another one of the things I could relate to, besides being a rock fan, was something that was said when the situation got serious towards the end that I wish I could have saidÖ I wonít go beyond that.
In the dream, my ex-boyfriend, who was wearing a black leather jacket (he never had anything like that) took me to visit the afterlife. (He is alive in reality and in the dream). It was like a hotel or prison. I insisted to him that I wanted to find Danny, the love of my life. I found my parents (though Mom was and is still alive), and then two white-haired elderly men. I asked, ďArenít there things the living arenít supposed to know about the afterlife?Ē One of the men said, ďYou already know we all wear clothes.Ē
I spent most of the day designing and making a necklace for Kim for her birthday, which is coming up on Friday. Been a long time since Iíd made a serious necklace. Designing is the longest part, and I changed it over and over, especially once I decided against using the bronze pearls. It was hard to keep Miette from wanting to play with what I was working on, and she did pull it making half the beads come off at one point. Well, I think most beaders have cats. Iím relieved itís done and I really like the pendant.
Got stuck watching this infomercial for one of those Time-Life music collections, this one from the Ď70ís. Oh, the memories, good and not so good. Iím amazed at how many songs I know, even of the stuff I wasnít into. Since then, the entertainment mediums have
I had no TV in my room, so I listened to a
of radio. But then, I did watch a lot of TV anyway, and back then, variety shows were extremely common. They always featured music. The only channels we had were 2, 4, 5, 7, 9, 11 and 13.
Today would have been our 22nd wedding anniversary. I guess Iím trying not to think about it terribly much. Itís so unfair. We were married for 19 years and 8 months. How many marriages these days last for even that long, due to divorce?
ďTill death do us partĒ was supposed to mean death by old age, I had hoped. Saying that I miss Danny is putting it mildly, very mildly, but I also miss being in love. Still, Iím not looking for anyone. I canít really imagine starting over in any way with another man. I donít want another.
Today was Kimís birthday. I gave her the necklace I made - glad she likes it! I still want to make earrings to match. I also burned a CD for her but it didnít work. I
get my computer fixed. We went to eat at an excellent seafood restaurant. I think itís the only one we have in this town. I had snapper with almonds; Kim had grouper with shrimp. I told the staff right away that itís my friendís birthday, and they gave her a complimentary dessert: a slice of key lime pie. She shared it with me - nice!
I sometimes dream of Grandma's house in the Bronx, wondering about it. In this, the man who lived there painted the rooms white and it looked fresh and airy, but I wondered about long forgotten things in the basement, and there were many rooms I never knew existed. Later in the dream, a young woman's beloved pet goldfish turned back and forth from goldfish to kitten. I called it a "werekitten." More things happened, then I was frightened watching from a high floor, flashing lights and booming noises, the bombing of a city at night, supposedly New York or London.
I thought I wrote last night, but no. Yesterdayís where I wrote about the dream should have been todayís. Oh, well. Kim gave me a gift certificate for a pedicure she said she meant to give me at Christmas, and I needed to use it or it would expire soon. Well, Iíd misplaced her sonsí graduation cards Iíd been meaning to send and just found them yesterday. The pedicure came at a good time because the night before when we were grocery shopping, I got the bad toe cramps again, both feet. I think the foot massages may have helped.
I downloaded the program Iím supposed to do math homework on. Iíve never been good with math, it always seems there are little details I get wrong and/or I donít understand or canít remember the rules. So many rules, and then there are contradictions. I havenít started any classes yet, that wonít be until July. Itís so strange to me already that so much of education is on computers now. I already did some if not half of the homework, but I'm getting really fried now. I was hoping to do better than this. Maybe I expect too much.
Yeah, I wrote on Cat of the Day:
What a sweet story of rescue! That's apparently a great Christmas never to be forgotten. Here was a gift that works both ways, to Doodle and her humans. Then, of course, a cat is a gift you get every day. I'm not surprised she's smart. There seems to be extra intelligence in gray cats, or at least that's my experience. Kudos and congratulations to Doodle's rescuers and family, and to Doodle for surviving quite an ordeal, for the title of COTD, and for being a loving, unique beauty all of the time!
Iíve been neglecting writing here. Iíve left out Wednesday and Thursday. Iím wanting this to end. As Iíve said before, on days that I donít write, I think of what I want to write for that day. I tend to write alike anyway. That means, I donít write much differently from day to day on a chosen subject. If Iím going to write about something that happened, it will come out pretty much the same no matter when I write it. So there.
Wednesday was the day I went to the doctor for my annual physical. Glad thatís over with.
I was happily amazed to see Devo on Colbert. They sound as good as ever. Yet another thing I
Danny were here for. Devo brings back a lot of memories. In the mid-80's, my friend Debbie sort of pushed me into helping her with a Devo 'zine. I came up with the name, "Beautiful World," after one of their songs. There were aggravations meeting deadlines, but I got a lot out of the experience and was really proud of our work. It was a strange ride, but I got to meet some interesting people including Mark M.
Today was group. Very few people showed up. Itís the ďProcess Group,Ē where the main focus is supposed to be how weíve been using our learned DBT skills. Other than that, I donít really have much I feel like writing about. Iím sweating here in the room with the computer. I wish I had a laptop. Then I could do this in an air conditioned room. I donít want to open the door because Iíd rather keep the cats out of here. And the meowing goes on. If I die in this room, you know it will be from stuffiness.
Again, it's so hot and humid in here. But I've gotten caught up again wasting time, playing Text Twist. I did find an interesting word and as is often the case, I wanted to make sure it's real. "Leafage" is a word meaning "foliage," but can it be plural? Yes, and I found someone's interesting artworks by that name.
You never know what you'll find on the Web. It can be a great educator and time waster all at once. Then, you can write in a blog like this and be creative or just wander and let off steam. Literally.
Fatherís Day. I thought more about Dad earlier this week than today. It was certainly not the first time I was reminded by a thought or word that Iíd said or thought that came from what Iíd learned from Dad, but it got to me this time. ďIím so famished,Ē I thought. Not ďfamishedĒ as in hungry, ďfa-MISHEDĒ meaning ďconfusedĒ in Yiddish. I was suddenly gripped by a grieving crying fit, missing Dad. I donít think Iíd cried for just Dad since I lost Danny. Itís hard, but good to know I still feel that way about losing Dad.
I knew CBís condition is worse than the last time Iíd brought him to the veterinary oncologist. The tumor is noticeably larger and his eye is more swollen. He doesnít seem bothered by it. His itching skin bothers him, especially around his neck. I donít know why; the tumor is between his eyes near his right eye. He still meows a lot. I canít tell if heís hurting. Heís now on a pain relief patch which heís peeling off. The vet says to ďthink of end-of-life issues.Ē I know. But heís fine otherwise and not ready to die.
Iíve already planned to not do July. So before I forget, I want to thank anyone who has read anything Iíve written here, even if I donít mention your name. Thanks, Matt R., for reading my entries and if youíre still reading them. Thanks, Jayne - sorry if didnít mention before of times weíve gotten together. Thereíll be more. Thanks, Jeannie and Jon, and yes, it does give you an idea whatís been going on with me in general. In July, Iíll start school after many long years after having quit college. Momís birthday is in July, but not much else.
A busy, stressful day. Ugh, I hate having to go to the dentist; who doesn't? If I hadn't been using floss-picks, I wouldn't have noticed the irritation. Last time this one was filled, the dentist said if it got worse, I'd need root canal. The filling was cracked. This dentist decided to refill it but if it gets worse, then root canal. The numbing shots were bad enough, and then I wasn't numb enough - OUCH! More shots. Then all that drilling into my skull gave me a headache. Stretching my face further than it can go is painful, too.
What now do I write about? What words can I waste and come up with nothing? A writing exercise, a memory, a description, a frustration? Today was
hot and miserable
with not much that I want to write about. So Iím just spewing, getting it over with. I keep thinking of things I could mention and discarding them, then just wanting to get out of this unairconditioned room. I shouldnít be up this late again anyway. The worse the heat becomes, the more I think of Canada - as in - planning to move there someday. I hate extreme cold too, though.
Went to dinner with Jayne tonight. Great Italian restaurant, hard to believe Iíd never been there. It wonít be the last time, thatís for sure. Good conversation, nice all around. When I got home, I found Troy had left a message that Tangents (the band that was Dannyís last) was playing at a club nearby. Actually, theyíre probably still playing as I write this, halfway or more through the last set. I was and am just too tired and burnt out for now. I wish Iíd known earlier or I would probably have planned around it. Thatís okay. Next time.
Among other things, I watched ďBehind the MusicĒ on Courtney Love. 1994 doesnít seem so long ago. 16 years already since Kurt Cobain took his life. Danny and I had been married for only 5 years then. I wasnít particularly into Nirvana, but I recognized the value and influence of their music. I couldnít imagine the pain Courtney mustíve been going through. I could
imagine that 14 years later, Iíd be losing
musician husband in the same way. There were many differences, of course, and neither of us were involved with drugs. My addiction seems to be TV.
Another wasted weekend watching TV the whole time. I know I shouldnít, but the heat is a reason or excuse. One of the more interesting things I watched was a history of Pixar. And on 60 Minutes, they reran the interview with James Cameron when Avatar came out or was about to. I really enjoy movies with good special effects. Iím not into violence, but I love fantasy. In a way, I feel sorry for children who are growing up now. How would they see beyond the differences in this technology? Old special effects must look pretty lame to them.
I had another oncology appointment with my cat, C.B., to start improved methods of pain management. Until this afternoon, C.B. had been relatively okay. When I got him home from the vet, he wouldn't get out of the carrier. He had no interest in food and just laid on the kitchen floor. I called the vet and came back immediately. Damage happened suddenly to his brain. His pupils were dilated. It
breaks my heart
, but it was his time. I told him to go to Danny. I hope there is an afterlife, and that Danny is cuddling with C.B. now.
C.B. was a handsome and loving cat. My entry for 5/18/10 tells how he came to us in 1992. He never expressed aggression towards a human - or towards another cat, if I remember correctly.
Being shy with people other than Danny and I, he warmed up to others later on in his life. With us, he was extremely affectionate, and quite smart, figuring out how to slide open a screen door.
At bedtime, heíd get under the covers with me and let me adjust him to where I was comfortable with him. Iíll love and miss C.B. forever.
This is where I sum up what I've written about for this month. Much is defined by my last two entries before this, losing my precious cat, C.B. The initials stand for "Cato's Brother" and at 18 years, Cato is still with me and doing fine. This month, I didn't do very much, hated the heat, slept and then wrote of some dreams, remembered what would have been our 22nd anniversary, commented on TV shows, saw some friends, went to orientation, and I'll be starting school next week as a "non-traditional" student. I won't write in July. See ya.
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