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BY ME114

02/01 Direct Link
Left out January. Whomever may be reading this, belated happy New Year! Inauguration Day was one of the best days Iíd had in a long time. My friend Elizabeth gave a brunch party and that evening, we went to a club with good bands and there was a great spirit of celebration among everyone. At last we have a president with integrity, very high intelligence and common sense thatís been sorely lacking with so many issues. The fact that heís our first Black president is just a bonus. With a democratic majority in both houses, maybe things will get done.
02/02 Direct Link
Despite todayís feelings of depression and hopelessness, I still believe I will change my life. Being Groundhog Day, I watched the movie ďGroundhog DayĒ again. Sometimes you need to watch a movie again to get more out of it. The concept is not just to try to get the most out of every day plus all the other lessons-learned, like helping and appreciating people and so on. The character got to practice living it over and over, turning a curse into a blessing. To prepare to make the next day as good as possible, maybe thatís how to live.
02/03 Direct Link
I couldnít bring myself to open the package while alone, so I went to Kimís house and shared it with her. Gene was Dannyís bass player in a band when they were teenagers. I wonít include details despite the bandís significance. Weíd visited Gene & his family in í95, but werenít able to get in touch since then. Gene found out what happened to Danny in December (Googled him) and contacted me. Needless to say, he was shocked and saddened. He wrote a poem and sent it, framed, with a CD also dedicated to Danny including original music. Itís all beautiful.
02/04 Direct Link
Tonight I saw the Mark Twain Awards honoring George Carlin. If only if he had lived to be there! It was done very well; I wished it were longer. My brother always liked him, in fact, I gave Ken a George Carlin DVD as a belated birthday gift. Yeah, we were fans since we were kids. I have ďNapalm and Silly Putty;Ē I remember Danny reading it on one of our flights to NY. I think Iíve come to appreciate George Carlinís talent brilliance more and more over the years. His influence is forever, but he will always be missed.
02/05 Direct Link
The issue was taken out of my hands and I was too afraid to ask Dannyís siblings about his ashes all this time. Now I know. Iíll try to pick them up from the funeral home where they still are. I may have signed away my rights to them, I donít know. So much was a blur that horrible day. Maybe Iíll finally feel a sense of closure Iíve been missing when I get them home. My therapist advised me to take time to decide what to do with the ashes. I agree. Danny and I belonged to each other.
02/06 Direct Link
Yes, I picked up Dannyís ashes today. There was also an envelope of his hair. Danny had long hair. Sometimes heíd have me braid it, usually before a gig. One long braid, and I often used gel or a leave-in conditioner to make it look slick and stay in place longer. When heíd ask me to braid it, he asked in a sweet, pleading way like it was a very big favor. But I always told him that Iíd be happy to braid his hair any time he wanted. The hair in the envelope is not in a braid.
02/07 Direct Link
February 7th, the first anniversary of the worst day of my life. Iíve often said, itís been like one long, terrible day. If only that day would end and Danny would come home. Itís frustrating wanting to undo the past, I want him back so desperately. My mind wanders to how violently he ended his life (thatís still hard to put into words) though I try to push it away. I spent the evening with Dannyís singer and bass player, reminiscing good, funny things about Danny and his brilliant musicianship. Loving my husband and not having him hurts so much.
02/08 Direct Link
Mike, who was Dannyís drummer in several bands and like another brother to Danny, called me. Heís always interesting, and Iíll forever be grateful for the tribute show in Jax he put together last year. Mike and Frank came up from Jacksonville and the three of them recorded some songs. Frank and Danny were amazing guitarists together, and Mike is an amazing drummer. Yet another reason why it made no sense that Danny chose suicide. They were going to record again in about a week from then, which Danny was looking forward to. I go over and over these things.
02/09 Direct Link
Iím glad I have Dannyís ashes now, and Iím trying to let go of my anger about the whole issue. It wasnít just that, this was the end-all of various things I went through with friends, family, police, etc. when it happened. Many people meant well but much decision-making and knowledge of facts were taken away from me, and there were some conflicts, too. No one did anything maliciously, I was just sort of forgotten in some ways. I blame myself, too, being afraid to speak up. I want to let it all go and not alienate anyone.
02/10 Direct Link
It looks like theyíve resumed the construction in the back of my and my neighborsí property. They tore away the woods and the red clay soil lay stripped and dormant for a very long time. It makes me nervous, especially the noise of the dump truckís hatch banging against the truck when it swings. Itís a loud booming noise. They say theyíre going to build a fence there. I have a bad feeling about that. Part of the plans is it put in a Publix supermarket nearby. That canít come soon enough since our Winn-Dixie closed some years ago.
02/11 Direct Link
I sold the Caprice today. It was Dannyís car. He had intended to sell it and with that money, get a new engine for the van. So I was stuck having to get rid of both vehicles. A neighbor bought it. I probably couldíve gotten more money for it, but at least itís finally out of my life and out of my yard. I had sold the van a few months ago. As far as everything else of Dannyís is concerned that I havenít yet sold or given away or decided to keep, I have a long way to go.
02/12 Direct Link
The more I miss him, the more I grieve. The more I grieve, the more I miss him. The more I miss him, the more I love him. The more I love him, the more I miss him. The more I miss him, the more I grieve.

Iím aware that grieving is part of loving Danny. Read it in a book, but I already knew it. It feels good to love him, but it feels horrible to not have him. Thus, the cycle goes on. But it doesnít feel like a cycle. I miss him, I love him, it hurts.
02/13 Direct Link
Friday the 13th. I hadnít realized it until about 10-something p.m. Maybe thatís a good day to try and dare as many superstitions as possible, walk under ladders, etc. Except for black cats. Cats donít bring bad luck no matter what color. If well socialized, they bring their love.

I got caught up watching one of those ghost hunting things on the Travel Channel. Two guys went to two different locations in Nevada. Some pretty compelling evidence. I have a lot of theories about spirits. Whether believing or skeptical, I try to keep an open mind both ways.
02/14 Direct Link
Valentineís Day again without my husband. I miss my steady date and having someone who loves and looks out for me. If you have someone, give him or her love from those of us who are alone.

For Anyone Who is Reading This

†††††††††††††I wish you love
†††††††††††††I wish you friendship
†††††††††††††I wish you comfort
†††††††††††††In stress or sorrow
†††††††††††††I wish you wisdom
†††††††††††††And calm contentment
†††††††††††††I wish you strength
†††††††††††††Now and tomorrow
†††††††††††††I wish you purpose
†††††††††††††And self-fulfillment
†††††††††††††I wish you joy
†††††††††††††And shared laughter
†††††††††††††I wish you light
†††††††††††††And happy memories
†††††††††††††And may you love
†††††††††††††Forever after.
02/15 Direct Link
There was a meeting concerning the construction theyíll eventually be doing in back of our property. By ďour,Ē I mean several neighbors as well. I was tired and just didnít want to go. I donít think thereís anything Iíd object to, and besides, theyíre going to build whatever they want anyway. It reminds me of something that occurred to me at my familyís 15th floor apartment in Queens that I have to sell. The views are great, but itís very possible that a new building will someday block the view of the Empire State and Chrysler buildings. Iíd hate that.
02/16 Direct Link
My therapist recommended A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. I relate to some of it and disagree with other parts, but thatís normal. I donít know if I can concentrate enough to read it all. Iíll find an excerpt:
And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling.
I do feel like that. In my case, thereís a further grief in that it was suicide. I wasnít sure, but my therapist confirmed that. Tragically, many people are grieving suicides.
02/17 Direct Link
The van was old enough to not need a title, and I thought the car was, too. If Danny had a title for the Caprice, I canít find it. Turns out itís an í87, so I had to go apply for one. In New York, itís the DMV; here in GA, itís the ďTag Office,Ē and license plates are ďtags.Ē I still think thatís weird. Iíll be getting a new title for it and for my Honda, which was also in Dannyís name. Now I also have Dadís Toyota back after it sat at a friendís house for a year.
02/18 Direct Link
My life is a blur of too much TV and not getting things done, living on my bed with my cats, filling the bird feeders and watching the birds, not being able to sleep all or most of the night, sleeping too much during the day, and right now, writing a run-on sentence because Iím too lazy to think of anything. My therapist says this sort of sleep pattern of staying up late, sleeping late and being tired during the day is very common in depression. Makes sense, since Iíve always been this way. It's just worse than ever.
02/19 Direct Link
I heard someone make a flub on the radio today. He said, ďMother is the necessity of innovation.Ē Of course I know he meant necessity is the mother of innovation. What if you were to take it the first way? I thought to myself, ďIs there any way in which my mother necessitated innovation?Ē Yes, especially in ways of thinking. The idea and condition that Mom is dependent on me to do things for her and make sure sheís alright, even though Iím far away, is the reverse of what I was used to as a child and young person.
02/20 Direct Link
I noticed a new sushi restaurant, but never imagined Iíd be eating there that evening. Went with Elizabeth and a friend of hers to dinner there and then to see a performance of The Vagina Monologues. It was a benefit for Project Safe. Iíd heard of The Vagina Monologues for years as an off-Broadway play and always wondered about it. Experiences, ideas, attitudes, sexuality, power, violent abuse, stories - from the funny to the tragic. I give the men in the audience credit for attending even though they were there with women. Most men would undoubtedly find it very uncomfortable.
02/21 Direct Link
What is it with Cato? Heís meowing even now as I write this. He has a wide variety of vocalizations. Danny and I used to get a kick out of hearing Cato saying ďHELLO!,Ē or it often sounds like ďhello.Ē Lately heís been going on and on and on, often way too loudly. Itís become a nuisance, but itís better than if he were quiet all the time. What does he want? Food, not always. Affection, sometimes. To go out, probably, but Iím not letting any cats out. Does he want Danny, I donít know. Danny was his main person.
02/22 Direct Link
In a store, I recently heard Talking Headsí And She Was. I love it and the Little Creatures album which I have in vinyl. Natural thought was, ďI hope it was like that for Danny.Ē

Today I dreamt that I decided And She Was was being played at my funeral or memorial event. A hazy, distant vision of a shadow stood at a podium. Why not make a tape - no, a CD of songs? I thought: And She Was, American Tune (Paul Simon), Graceland (maybe, but I meant Boy in the Bubble), Box of Rain (Grateful Dead)Ö then I awoke.
02/23 Direct Link
Lesley got a new dog recently. ďZinnyĒ needed a home. Sheís smaller than her other 2 dogs. Definitely looks like Zinny is part Beagle, maybe Jack Russell Terrier, and/or probably some Chihuahua. Big eyes, floppy ears, very cute, a bit shy. Big ears look good on dogs, cats, elephants and most other animals. Humans, however, do not look so good with big ears. Young animals, especially puppies, look cute with big feet. If a baby had big feet, it would look...weird. Young children have proportionately large heads, yet on an adult, that wouldnít necessarily make someone look younger.
02/24 Direct Link
If you have a thought and you feel like you need to get it out and say it but no one wants to hear it, where does it go? Some say, ďYou should write it down,Ē but what if you donít want to write it down? What if you canít write it down at the moment? Why the compulsion to express, get it out, make it known, share the experience? Is it healing? Often, it is not. So, why the compulsion? Is it some sort of survival tactic that makes no real sense? Is it loneliness, a need of attention?
02/25 Direct Link
Beyond foodsí tastes of sweet, salty, sour and bitter, I believe some of the appealing foundations are roasty, nutty and buttery in varying degrees combined with each other and those basic tastes. In sweetened chocolate, the main flavor is roasty, then quite a bit of the buttery with the sweetness. Often thereís a fine line between buttery and nutty. Coffee is roasty, and nuttiness is desirable. Cheese is buttery, with varying tanginess, salt and nuttiness. Tanginess or acidity, maybe is a variation of sourness. For all foods, texture plays an enormous role. Fresh fruits and vegetables - sweetness, texture and more.
02/26 Direct Link
The neighbors with the very large family have a lot of lawn ornaments in their front yard. Kitschy, sure, but I kind of like it. Among other things, I noticed a few days ago a concrete rabbit and two red-painted artificial cardinals. Ah, but I have real male and female cardinals in my front yard all the time thanks to keeping up with the bird feeders. I donít know why I thought about the fake rabbit, but then I noticed a real rabbit hopped under one of their vehicles. White with spots, it looked like a pet, not wildlife.
02/27 Direct Link
Got a call from someone who said he had something I might like to have. Danny frequently lent things to people, so I assumed thatís what it was. No, itís a video of the Neal Pattman Blues Band playing one of their regular gigs at Luluís in Ď93. He said it mainly features Neal and Danny. So heís making several copies on DVD and Iíll meet with him on Sunday. Iím really looking forward to seeing this and getting copies to other people. Also, heís sending a copy to the Library of Congress. Some of Nealís music is already there.
02/28 Direct Link
Kim and I went to Winder to buy her a piece of exercise equipment from someone on Craigís List. It had belonged to his wife and she didnít want it anymore. Heís into cars, mainly vintage, and is fixing up a Mustang he had as a teenager. Interesting. Then we went to eat at a restaurant weíd been to before. The waiter was a character, told us about his background. Said his mother had been a surrogate to 6 babies. Kim asked him his age - 21, and guessed his sign right: Gemini. He was amazed. She says Geminis are talkative.