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BY ME114

11/01 Direct Link
There are quite a few books with cat stories by various contributors. I searched to see if any writer was looking for some. The author I found mentioned that someone contributed a limerick. I used to love writing those; I still do. I wrote nine cat limericks so far and I believe sheíll use one. Maybe Iíll make a childrenís book out of cat poems and limericks. Then, I came up with this:

Good writers come as in herds
And readers flock just like birds
To an excellent site
To read and to write
A blog thatís called ď100 Words.Ē
11/02 Direct Link
Edited version of a comment I put on Cat of the Day today:

I believe it may be true that when someone is put on this earth for only a short time, they have been here many times before. This unique spirit has a little work left to do. Perhaps his greatest work was to be here for your loving grandmother and then to continue on with her. Sidney may have been that type of very special, wise and beautiful angel, beautiful in every way. Your Grandmother and Sidney are probably among your guardian spirits and they feel your love.
11/03 Direct Link
Iíve become interested in the style called steampunk. At my age, Iím behind in everything thatís the latest in pop culture, but this appeals to me. Itís been defined as if the future existed in the past, steam-driven, particularly in Victorian and Edwardian times. I donít think Iíve read any steampunk-category books, but maybe some of the short stories Iíve read qualify. Cyberpunk is very similar, but more tech-oriented and more dystopian, Iíve read. I like the fashions of steampunk thrown into a mix. Now Iíll have something for which I can use old watches and gears.
11/04 Direct Link
FINALLY! Yes, I found out Obama won watching The Daily Show as they broadcasted live. A realization: Itís not just that we will have a president who gives me hopes, but that our 8 LONG years tolerating the WORST president EVER is about to be OVER!!!!! Eight long years of international embarrassment, horrible decisions (to put it mildly), selfishness for the rich as the Republican Party proves itself to be all about, cabinet members and other staff jumping off like rats from a sinking ship, the resurrection of Reaganomics (disastrous the first time, too), and on. Weíre FREE AT LAST!
11/05 Direct Link
Iím up much too late, but I feel good that at least I uploaded some new photos of Danny to MySpace. I joined it to thank his band for what they wrote, etc., but itís been good for me. I use my page as a tribute to Danny. I donít use MySpace frivolously. Besides it being for Danny, itís helped me to know what band-friends are playing when and where, and to keep in touch with some people. I came across a small album from í94, one of our NY visits. I only uploaded photos with Danny in them.
11/06 Direct Link
I own a lot of books, many of which I havenít yet read. Still, I continue to buy books. I recently started reading the Harry Potter series when I found a very worn copy of Sorcererís Stone at a thrift store. Theyíre good for me, to read something light. Theyíre involving, which is also good for my state of mind in these months of grieving. So-called childrenís books are often no different than adult books except the main characters are children, the action keeps moving, and thereís no sex which is all the better. Donít say what youíre thinking.
11/07 Direct Link
I put Koji in my lap. Heís my Siamese cat Iíve written about before. I still feel a bit guilty for taking him in, but the neighbors donít take much care of their animals and he kept coming to me. Koji is fat and happy. He doesnít eat excessively, and he plays with my other cats. The otherís are too thin. Itís their age, you know. Doesnít matter, I love all of them more every day. Koji tried to almost attack my fingers as Iíve been typing. Heís leaning on my right wrist, but I can type anyway. Warm & cuddly.
11/08 Direct Link
Kim invited me to come with her to a 50th birthday party. This was for her friend, Joan, she hadnít seen in about 20 years. It was a small and pleasant gathering at Joanís daughterís and son-in-lawís beautiful house. Her daughter made the food, which was really good! Friends reminisced with a photo album or two. Joan wore funny gift things like a lei, a flashing ď50Ē pin, and funny-looking face slippers the tiny chihuahua liked to attack. Guests played a game where everyone fills in answers to questions about how well they know the ďBirthday Star.Ē
11/09 Direct Link
From http://www.mengetdepression.com/, I found http://lifeline-gallery.org/. Part of my message I recorded is:

The second attempt, he succeeded. The suicide note told more than he ever did. My husband couldn't have imagined the devastation he left in his loss not just with me, but with so many friends and family members. Our relationships to each other will never be the same. He had so many plans, creative projects, things he was looking forward to. I know he didn't want to die, but he would not seek help. I beg you, DON'T GIVE UP on yourself.
11/10 Direct Link
Edited from my latest blog on MySpace:

Losing Danny has taken over my life. Iím very thankful for friends. I remember the happy, laughing times with Danny. I feel the hurt of losing him and the physical and emotional pain he experienced which took him away from us all. Emptiness is possibly the hardest part. It permeates my day to day, every minute of consciousness and often in subconsciousness. Suicide is a much more prevalent tragedy than anyone can imagine. Or rather, as quoting Danny in what he said about the 911 tragedy, "It's not a tragedy, it's an atrocity."
11/11 Direct Link
Kim got her friend, David, to help me with some things. Yet another thing that makes living without Danny difficult is that heís not here to fix stuff around the house. David put a splitter on the cable and now I finally have cable TV in the kitchen! I need TV, desperately. It helps with the loneliness. I felt like I didnít want to be alone tonight and went over to Kimís for dinner. It was good! I brought photos from 1994, a book on NY, and a video tape with Danny playing (guitar, in a former band) in it.
11/12 Direct Link

Another Amazing Hiccup Cure

This is one I came up with based on the hiccup cure I put in my entry for June 14, 2007. Itís very simple and requires no outside equipment.

Take a deep breath all the way in.
Let it all the way out and hold it.
While holding it, swallow hard two or three times.

Okay, you can breathe now. Thatís it.

I donít know for sure if it works every time, but I used it the other night, and it worked. If youíre reading this and have occasion to try it, please let me know.
11/13 Direct Link
I need to go to NY again in December. Itís not just the remaining furniture, but thereís flatwear, pots & pans, a few items in the storage closet, other odds & ends. I sent home the things I wanted. I thought Iíd have more time to get rid of the rest, but no. Iíll try to sell what I can, and what I canít, Iíll have to donate. Some things, Iíll have to ship home. Mom & Dadís bedroom suite from the Ď50s, the convertible sofas - they have to be worth something. If no one buys the cedar chest, Iíll send it home.
11/14 Direct Link
My 49th birthday. Of course, my first birthday without Danny kissing me and telling me heís glad I was born. But Iím lucky to have friends. Got cards & calls from friends & family, & got gifts including 2 sent from Jeannie & Jon. Kim and Elizabeth took me to dinner. Italian restaurant - good! We went to the one on Elizabethís side of town because after, we went to see Tangents play at a bar nearby. Again, it was good to see & hear them, but never the same without Danny, not even close. His guitar skill was unparalleled, and I never stopped admiring him.
11/15 Direct Link
Joan sent Kim an email about her life. Kim forwarded to me. I hope Joan wouldnít mind. Read it and part of my response to Kim:

I think many middle-aged women are like soldiers who have been in serious battle - battles of all kinds - and have the scars to prove it: physical, mental, emotional, you-name-it. †You and Joan have certainly been on the front lines of it. †Maybe we middle-aged women are tougher than we get credit for and should be proud of our sisters-in-arms. †Women in their 20's have nothing on us!
11/16 Direct Link
Kindness is Power

Watching Animal Cops again, there was a horrible case of a cat tortured by a 14 year old boy. It was a miracle the cat survived her severe injuries. Makes me sick, made me question my thoughts about what a torturer gets out of such a shocking and disgusting act. Power: power over another living being? I realize a torturer is mentally abnormal, but whereís the social responsibility in his upbringing? Why not teach a child over and over that kindness and responsibility is power? Itís powerful to make a person or animal happy and lovingly responsive.
11/17 Direct Link
Itís no use, I canít think of anything to write. Iím searching for creative writing exercises. I never do them, but I always think I will. I did find some interesting ideas and instruction. Maybe Iíll try that ďfree writing.Ē But Iím looking for something so I can fill in this dayís entry. When Iím not writing in 100 Words, I get ideas of topics Iíd like to write about and then - damn, Iíve been skipping this month! So Iím back, here it is mid-November, and Iíve been keeping up with it fairly well this time. But now, what?
11/18 Direct Link
I
I don't
I don't know
I don't know what
I donít know what to
I donít know what to write
I donít know what to
I donít know what
I donít know
I donít
If
If I
If I knew
If I knew what
If I knew what I
If I knew what I wanted
If I knew what I wanted to
If I knew what I wanted to write
If I knew what I wanted to write Iíd
If
I knew
what I wanted
to write Iíd write it
and Iíd write it here and
now, right now.
11/19 Direct Link
Helps me to think of times Iíve been in the right place at the right time to help someone. I try to remember. All of my cats, except the one I got at the shelter, if sheíd been adopted by someone else, wouldíve otherwise had short lives. Someone dropped something and wouldíve lost it if not for me noticing; I treasure times Iíve helped an elderly person. I got a couple together, though he died of cancer. I saved my husbandís life the first suicide attempt. I didnít want to believe he wouldíve gone through with it. Now I know.
11/20 Direct Link
Iím going to write and Iím going to write a run-on sentence and Iíll just keep going till I run out of words and my moods are up and down and I laugh and cry and feel insecure and donít know how I can go on living without Danny but Iíd never kill myself partly because Iím an advocate against suicide and I feel so alone even with my cats who I love so much and I cry because Danny loved them too and I am alone and Iím scared and I have no income and things break down...
11/21 Direct Link
Incredibly, I found a game show for cats and owners. Some further things about cat history: You know that ancient Egyptians worshipped cats and mummified them. When a cat died in an Egyptian household, the family shaved off their eyebrows. In Egypt, to kill a cat was punishable by death. Japanese lore on cats - worth reading. In several cultures, black cats were considered good omens, mostly in the UK. A white patch on a black cat is an ďAngelís Mark,Ē sparing some in times of persecution. Cats have often been carried on ships for good luck and to catch rodents.
11/22 Direct Link
Kim and I went to the movies. We saw The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. Whatever I say here wonít spoil it for you. There was subtlety in the strong messages it conveyed. Inklings of hidden horrors were interpreted within the innocent, happy beliefs of young children. What can be understood about senseless acts cruelty? Everyone, even those in power were imprisoned one way or another, which kept the horror going. The real wisdom was in the naivetť of the children. Why arenít all lives equally as precious? How can someone be judged as ďevilĒ when there is no reason?
11/23 Direct Link
Iím not anti-American. I love my country, or I want to love it. I just donít like how itís being run, or rather, ruined. Maybe this is why I donít watch the news all that much. Iím tired of politics. Iím glad the election is over. Watching the news made me come up with what I'll call:

The Scarred, Mangled Pledge

We pledge obedience
to the media rags
and the united corporations
of America,
Who screw the public
who wearily stands
their abominations
under fear
clearly visible,
stealing our liberty
and promoting injustice
for all
except the very wealthy
11/24 Direct Link
I had my hair cut. When Elizabeth had asked me what I wanted for my birthday, thatís what I asked for. As Iíve said, she once owned a salon but rarely cuts hair anymore even though sheís really good at it. Sheís probably the only hair stylist who understands when I say, ďI donít like this and this sticking out.Ē Iíve had women tell me they wish they had hair like mine, but I doubt there is such thing as a perfect type of hair. Yes, itís thick, wavy & grows quickly, but that doesnít mean itís easy to work with.
11/25 Direct Link
My heart breaks my therapist. Her dog got through the fence and lost her tags in the process. She ran down the street, a car followed her, the passenger tried to get her in, then pulled her into the car. Maybe they assumed sheís a stray or they just wanted her. As a yellow lab/greyhound mix, what a gorgeous dog she must be! Iíve had scares with each cat being lost or almost lost. On a street here, I once prevented Celeste, a wandering cat who belonged to a bookstore, from being taken by a well-meaning university student.
11/26 Direct Link
Update from yesterdayís entry: my therapist got her dog back. She really got the word around. Whomever took the dog mustíve gotten scared because the dog was lifted up and put behind the fence. Thatís a relief; I know how it feels.

No Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. Iíve had a fever all day, went up to 102˚. Iím feeling a bit better now that Iíve had some ibuprofen. If Iím okay, itís not worth risking passing it onto other people or making myself worse. Kim brought me some food, but this is yet another thing making me feel so alone.
11/27 Direct Link
I ended up going nowhere for Thanksgiving due to illness. I had two invitations to dinners, which I appreciate, but no way was I well enough to attend anything. I would only get sicker and I wouldnít want to pass this along to other people. I donít mind missing Thanksgiving. Itís the first one without Danny. He and I, sometimes with Joe, would usually go to a restaurant. One year, I cooked the feast & invited some friends. I was pleased with how everything came out, but I couldnít stop worrying during the whole dinner, plus it was too much work.
11/28 Direct Link
Still sick. The coughing and congestion has come in. When Iím sick like this I often get a lung infection and the fluid in my lungs hangs around for weeks. Last year or the year before, it was a form of pneumonia. I hope itís not that again, I donít need the expense. No health insurance. I miss Danny and I taking care of each other. ďWould you please bring me ibuprofen and some water? Iíll love you forever, but Iíll love you forever anyway.Ē Iíd often ask him for something that way. He did, too. Iíll love him forever.
11/29 Direct Link
Cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough. Iím exhausted from coughing and trying to clear my throat and lungs. How can I write about some worthwhile topic when this has taken over? I think my fever is gone now, but Iíll go to the doctor on Monday if possible. My Aunt Adele called me, worried. She knows Iím alone now. I donít want her to worry. Kim has been calling me every day and bringing things over. Being sick is awful, but what Iím worried about is all Iíll have to do when itís over.
11/30 Direct Link
So, that was November. I got a year older, for what that may be worth. I missed Thanksgiving and am still not well. As I said before, I booked another flight to NY to once and for all completely empty the apartment I have to sell. Iím going from December 13th - 25th. Thatís right, Iíll be flying on Christmas Day, but Iím Jewish anyway. December 14th is Dadís birthday; he wouldíve been 88. Iím planning to visit his grave then, thanks to Jeannie & Jon who live fairly near that cemetery.

I wonít write here in December. See you next year.