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Maybe what I really loved about fishing was that Dad enjoyed it and taught me - something we shared. This one time - picturing it as being in Astoria Park under the bridge, but it was probably Francis Lewis ParkÖ I donít know, it was under or near under a bridge. Dad was fishing and I wasnít this time. Bored, I built a tiny imaginary castle out of rocks and glass. The amber glass was the ďTopaz Room,Ē the green glass was the ďEmerald Room.Ē Dad stepped near and knocked it down. I never told Dad or anyone about this until now.
I went to J&J with Kim. She had much clothes to sell. I had a canister set to sell: white porcelain, each in the shape of a vegetable, ďHandmade in Portugal.Ē Christine and Mike left them when they moved back to NJ - when they were together. I really liked the canisters but had no use for them. I went shopping around, got some good deals. While I was gone, someone broke the lid of the biggest one, the eggplant. Thanks to Kim, the couple paid for the set for the price I was asking. They left the broken lid.
I donít remember what I did that day, if anything. Iíve been putting off writing, but if I do, I make a note or two. I know I went downstairs to do laundry. Doing a mostly-jeans wash, I figured Iíd throw in some of Dannyís jeans where heíd left them on the floor by the washing machine. Yes, itís a mess, but then so is the whole house. I did three pairs of his jeans, worn ones he used to work in. I folded them and cried. How am I going to cope with getting rid of his things???
A lot of things of Dannyís are where he left them. His shoes, tools and projects he was working on, all sorts of things. Iíve come up with an idea of changing some of the furniture in the bedroom and I could be using his dresser. Iím in denial, still. Iíve changed a few things. Getting rid of his stuff, except for what Iíve given to close friends and in-laws, I havenít done much of yet. There are heavy suits in the closet that had belonged to his father.
I donít know how Iíll do it. Iím so alone.
My neighbor said sheíd been trying to catch me. Maybe sheís just wondering how Iíve been. We talked; I gave her more blueberries. Iíve been having some good harvests.
I go shopping late at night sometimes. Yes, I put it off. But also, itís cooler, without crowds, easier driving with less cars out; I almost enjoy it. More shoppers are going out late, probably because of the heat. Our Kroger is open 24 hours.
Being able to walk to the stores in NY is one thing I miss, though my old neighborhood has no 24 hour supermarkets Iíd know of.
Tonight I went to the Survivors of Suicide meeting again. Iím glad to have it. I have my ups and downs as always, but Iíve had some crying lately.
Last night I was having trouble getting to sleep as usual. I attribute that mostly to the hot flashes - damn hot flashes!
Eric Clapton was on PBS. I tried not to watch it, knowing Iíd think of Danny. Not that I ever stop thinking of him.
I watched some of it and burst out crying. I felt like a speck alone on the face of the earth, with only my cats.
Dannyís birthday. He would have been 47.
Itís also exactly 6 months ago he committed suicide. It adds to the surreality of it all.
What would we have done? Gone to a restaurant, at least. I wouldíve had gifts for him and a nice card.
Only Karen from Jacksonville called. That was very sweet of her, and sheís great anyway. Theyíd always been good friends to us, Karen and Frank. Frank was Dannyís fellow guitar player in The Attitudes. I called Troy, too. Spoke with him and Melissa. I think he was glad I told him it was Dannyís birthday.
Didnít do much, a little shopping, too much TV as always. Awake and asleep, awake and asleep to
My Cousin Vinny
. Danny & I used to like to say, ďYeah, you blend.Ē I hadnít seen it in awhile. I need to just own it. Great, funny, the whole cast is perfect. You always see more things in a good movie youíd forgotten. I understand many of the truths and exaggerations, being a NYer living in GA. Plus, I know where the General Putnam Motel is. It's in Eatonton, GA. Passed it many times on the way to Macon and to Jacksonville.
My friend sent pictures of crop circles. This is an edited version of what I wrote in reply:
The infinity symbol with graduated circles could signify phases - the ebbs and flows - of natural life as woven into the passage of time. The concept of time is a human invention determined by space. †Time seems a straight line, yet everything is cyclical in one way or another. †The infinite path shows we always come back to the center where orbits of heavenly bodies say, "You are part of the universe. †I am spelling it out for you. †Everything rotates." †Pretty cool.
Went to the flea market again to help Kim out. Not much I can do except help put things on the table. I brought romance novels to sell. I once sent away for some out of curiosity and never read any. That was a waste. Order one or a few and you get tons. I did get a free wine glass I really liked, though. An elderly man showed interest; maybe his wife reads them, but he didnít buy any. No one did. I shopped and got some things Iíd been looking for. I need to sell stuff next time.
Elizabeth called. She got a new cat; Siamese, of course. He was in the shelter adoption center, rescued from an abandoned house with plenty of other cats, she told me. Poor little guy, and very affectionate. She wanted me to help her bathe him. The smell seemed chemical, from sprays or dips or some medications, probably. Itís going to take awhile for him to adjust to the resident cats, but thatís usual. I sent Elizabeth some info on introducing a new cat to the household. Thereís lots of it on the web. Itís sad, though, that her white cat disappeared.
I had my temporary crown put on. Damn, root canal is expensive! Iíll never again go without professional dental cleaning. I hated the shots, especially the big one into my gum, into my skull. I can only open my mouth so far. No pain? Yeah, maybe not to my tooth, but stretching my cheek and lip beyond their capacities was unbearable! At times, I tried to put my concentration onto anything except what was going on in my mouth. Animals have to be under sedation for dental work. Maybe it goes against our instincts, too, to not defend our bodies.
Iím obsessed with finding the right ring. I had one all designed, had it priced at $1000. I thought maybe Iíd go for it anyway, pay a little at a time. but I canít afford that. I need a ring to wear with my wedding ring. I think Iíve written about this before. Been in touch with someone on the web who sells ďwidowís rings.Ē Yes, I had the same idea, but sheís the only one I can find who does this and I might buy one of hers. Iím thinking seriously again about designing and making metalwork jewelry.
My cat CB has been sniffling and sneezing, so I brought him to the vet today. Itís just a cold; I hope the antihistamine pills work. Driving home, I heard an interview on the radio of a woman whose son got obsessed with a video game and committed suicide. Another sickness, another suicide. This awareness is an obviously unavoidable part of my life, and I attend the suicide survivorsí group. Most of my entries are about Danny and my grief. I realize why I didnít write much about him before it happened. I was being careful to respect his privacy.
I want to write about something different. Okay, the Olympics is going on. Last night (or should I say early morning) I got caught up watching the end of the womenís gymnastics. I like the floor routines. Itís all amazing to watch, but Iíve always imagined that the floor routines would be a valuable skill in real life to blow peopleís minds in ordinary places. It was interesting, being emotional for the 2 friends from the U.S. winning silver and gold. I donít really like the idea of competition, but that shining moment is what dreams are made of.
The blueberries are almost gone. We havenít had much rain and that has decreased them, but I guess I have to face it that the season is coming to a close. Birds eat them, too, and probably for moisture as water is getting scarce again. I havenít heard anything on the news about another drought, but the ground is conspicuously dehydrated. Last year, there were none due to a sudden frost. Itís been a good year, and Iíve considered buying another blueberry bush or two. Iím leaning more towards staying here in GA, but I canít make such decisions yet.
Co-Op Apartment for Sale in
Astoria/Long Island City
Itís the apartment I grew up in, at least from the time I was 13 until I went out on my own. Itís right on a bus line, and within walking distance to the N and W trains. Three spacious bedrooms and living room, one and a half bathrooms, and plenty of closet space. Itís on 15 - the top floor - and has fantastic views including views of Manhattan from 2 of the bedrooms. Low maintenance, parking, well-maintained grounds, a playground, and 24-hour security. If interested, please contact me!
I slept all day. Up all night, wake up early, get tired later, sleep all day. Yes, I tend to be a night person, but this is beyond. Iím on this wheel and I canít get off, even though I believe I can. Believing Iíll get my life in order keeps me going. So, I had this dream that Danny was still alive. (I hate to write that because Iím in denial, but thereís no other way to say it.) I dreamt a vague scenario where a bum got killed or Danny killed him and put his clothes on him.
I spent the day finally getting some things done, in and out of the house, mostly out. Even though I feel like I donít deserve it, I do spend some frivolous money on myself. But I got necessary things, also. I find myself shopping for the cats more often, but itís probably good for me to focus on caring for them. While I was buying litter at the pet shop, I went to visit the cats again. The local cat shelter has an adoption center there. I love that! Itís a win-win situation for the store and the shelter.
I think I made it sound like my cats live at the adoption center - no, of course not. I visit cats that are up for adoption. Quite a few new ones, especially kittens. The grown cats are also affectionate and
! Thereís one kitten Iíve had on my mind. If I were to get a 5th cat (I wonít do that again), Iíd get a young female. This female kitten is white with black on and around her ears and a black tail. Very sweet and affectionate. I pictured her grown, adding to the white cat hairs in my house.
Vanilla ice cream is underrated. Not only is vanilla a good flavor, but you can turn it into any flavor you like. This is good: Graham crackers (wafer cookies or pound cake would work), cinnamon applesauce (or you can add cinnamon to applesauce), vanilla ice cream (I use sugar-free), and cold chai tea. I use a chai protein drink, but try any strong chai or probably sweet spice mixture. Put the crackers, wafers or cake in first, add the rest in whatever order you like. Sprinkle cinnamon on the ice cream. Ground almonds would probably go well with this.
Today I dreamt that I invested in a potbellied pig. The piglet was very young and in Kentucky (Iíve never been there). My intention was to sell it and at a distance in Kentucky, not to bring it home. Then, I was visiting the piglet and the man who sold it to me who was still taking care of it. It was very pink and cute, but I imagined it would grow quickly, so Iíd better sell it soon. Then, I saw it as an adolescent piglet. It was thin, lively and now had large brown spots on its back
There was this Laurel & Hardy marathon. I grew up watching their movies run on TV, but itís more than that.
My only serious relationship before Danny was with Paul. He did comedy, mostly vocal impressions of old-time movie actors. His main one was Oliver Hardy. It was not only the resemblance, but he even has the same birthday. He did some stand-up at comedy clubs, a few commercials, various things. I met interesting people: actors, producers, members of Sons of the Desert, though I wasnít a member. We were members of the SCA; that was medieval-fantasy fun.
As I said, Iíd met some interesting people through Paul. (Then later, I met great people and made lasting friendships through Danny, of course.) Paul took me to a Sons of the Desert banquet where Dick Van Dyke was honored. At that same event, we met Margaret Hamilton who was really nice! She told us that when she was in The Wizard of Oz, she was only onscreen a few minutes total. How many minutes, I donít remember. She was shorter than Iíd expected, not just because of her advanced age. Well, as the witch, she made a big impression!
Up late, watched reruns of
. Jeannie likes that show. I learned that pigeons were first brought to this country to be a food source, and itís in the cuisine of many cultures. Iíll look that up. Okay Wikipedia, what do you say?
Theyíre everywhere except in the most extreme climates. Thereís a lot of info on pigeons and doves. Here it is. Wood Pigeon is a game bird in Europe, and ďRock Pigeons were originally domesticated as a food species.Ē Thatís it, then. It mentions ďsquab.Ē Iíve had that once at a Chinese restaurant, so Iíve eaten pigeon.
I know I need to cancel Dannyís magazine subscriptions. Iíve been putting it off like everything else. Another music store catalogue arrived for him today. Most of my bills are still in his name, too. Iíve changed a few, so far. I look at his picture and feel like Iím still in denial. I was thinking about places Iíd always wanted to see with him. So many plans, so little time, though I couldnít have known. Weíd talked about going to
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum
in Cleveland, and to the
Experience Music Project
While I was driving, I started thinking of things about Danny that I miss. I mean, little things, individual aspects of his character and our relationship. Sure, there are plenty of things about him that pissed me off, but all marriages - really, all relationships have that, especially in people you live with.
I had put this one aside. Now I canít think. I was going to list some of the things I miss. Then, the grief often feels unbearable. It seems my drug of choice is to watch too much TV. That, and non-constructive time wasted on the computer.
From my email to Sonya today:
Mom & I are concerned about my brother. †He's had a detached retina making him almost completely blind in one eye. †He has a cataract in that eye, too. †The first operation didn't help, and today, he had a second operation. He'll be getting the bandage off tomorrow. †Heíd said he will call me. I donít want to call him in case heís sleeping, even though the surgery was 12 hours ago. †I'm afraid this might be a sign of diabetes, which Iíve told him. †There is a definite connection between diabetes and retina damage.
I was watching on the travel channel another show about extreme places. I swear, Danny had this idea a long time ago: a restaurant where people eat out of perfectly clean, never-used toilets. The food was to be served in it like a bowl, and the leftovers flushed. I said that it would never go over; that would be going too far. Turns out, thereís a restaurant in Taiwan almost identical to Dannyís idea. The diners sit on closed toilets and can eat out of miniature toilets on their tables. Oh, he would have been thrilled to see this!
Went to the flea market with Kim again. She sold a few things.
I can and will bring the Caprice I need to sell to their used car lot for a low price. This might solve that problem, finally!
I met an indoor vendor who knew of Danny and knows musicians that I know. He sells mostly compilation CDs and DVDís. I bought one. He said if I bring the tapes of Dannyís music, they will put it on CD for free, to sell. That would be worthwhile for me, just to have all of his music saved on CD.
I think Iíll let September slide. I often start writing by getting on the computer too late at night. Maybe Iíll come back to it in October. Iíll use this last entry of the month to summarize.
Of course, I wrote about my grief. Also, a childhood memory, going to the flea market with Kim, things I saw on TV & memories they evoke, dental work, jewelry, cats, blueberries & other food including a dessert recipe, selling the apartment in NY, my ex-boyfriend, pigeons, my brotherís eye surgery, bad sleep patterns, a creepy dream, and the Olympics - not in that order.
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