BY ME114

06/01 Direct Link
I havenít written in a long time. I had a good reason. Thereís no getting around the subject, this tragedy has taken over my life, my identity, my entire being, every waking moment and some sleeping moments. I lost my husband to suicide in February of this year. There arenít enough words to express how devastated I am. People say Iím doing well, but I must be suppressing feelings, consciously and subconsciously. I had a huge attack of grief yesterday, as if layers dropped away and I had to put them back. I miss him terribly; Iíll always love him.
06/02 Direct Link
There were two memorial concerts for Danny. One here and one in Jacksonville. I say ďwereĒ instead of ďwe hadĒ because I didnít have anything to do with the planning. Thatís okay, it was less of a burden. I had to come back from NY to attend the one here. The best part was the slide and video show that Joe made for it. I think it was Eddieís idea. It was weird seeing my life as well, flashing before my eyes in front of an audience. The one in Jax was this past Memorial Day weekend. It went great.
06/03 Direct Link
The tribute/memorial concert in Jacksonville was more upbeat than the one here. Maybe itís because it was in a club, in the evening, and liquor was allowed. Mike was a bit nervous on how it went. I thought it went very well. More than just a great musician, several felt like Danny was a brother to them. Itís been hard on everyone, and you can imagine how hard it is on his siblings and step-mother. I printed and framed for her a picture I took of them together. A copy the printer messed up lays on my floor.
06/04 Direct Link
I had to get over any nervousness getting up to the microphone. But to read from the autobiography he had started writing was the most appropriate way to address the audience besides to thank them. Heíd have approved. A small excerpt from a part heíd titled:

Major Event
Most memorable performance:

I think the first song we did was AC/DC ďLet there be rock.Ē From the opening chords, the club turned into the twilight zone: All activity stopped. Bartenders stopped serving. Pool games stopped, the drive-in liquor store - STOPPED. All attention was on US. We were killing them.
06/05 Direct Link
I have individual counseling which started out as grief counseling, which I still need. Iím in a group thatís sort of a learning opportunity, and I attend a group for survivors of suicide. The survivorsí group meets every other week. I picked up a book at the library about suicide and read some of it there. Yes, some is hard for me to read, especially thinking there might have been any way to prevent it. I had stopped him in 2005 the first time heíd tried. I lived in fear, but eventually trusted him. He planned it all very carefully.
06/06 Direct Link
My grief in losing and missing Danny is in layers. People ask me how I am. I say I have ups and downs. Thatís a vague yet accurate way to put it. People tell me Iím doing well. Thatís nice to hear, but Iím not sure itís true. Just because Iím not in a mental hospital with an actual nervous breakdown or because I do go to therapy and groups? Iím surprised myself, really. Deep down, I might be cracking. The tics I wrote about here in January 2008 came back the day it happened. I still get them sometimes.
06/07 Direct Link
Have you ever felt bad that you feel good about something? Thatís how it is now for me. I have certain freedoms that I didnít have before. There were times then that I even fantasized about living alone, but I never wished for anything like this. Iíd rather have my husband. I know, I know. They all say, ďThis wasnít about you, he was in a lot of pain to do this.Ē Sorry, Iím still a victim as is everyone who loved him, and there are many. I donít feel like a victim, exactly. I feel like itís all surreal.
06/08 Direct Link
One of the first things I did that I had the freedom to do was to take in another cat. For years, weíd had usually 5 cats. When we got down to 3, I decided that was probably best. One night when it was below freezing, I took the neighborsí Siamese cat in. Heíd been begging for so long. They ignore their cats completely, and donít do well for their dogs. Iíd named him ďKoji,Ē a Japanese name. Heís affectionate to me, good with people, and gets my older 3 to play with him, chasing and wrestling. Besides, heís CUTE!
06/09 Direct Link
Joseph had been Dannyís guitar student. Recently, I found a metal piece Danny had written Josephís name on. The night before it happened, Joseph had been here for something to do with an amp, maybe something Danny had fixed: a normal evening. That mustíve added to the tragedy for Joseph. These 4 months later, I found the piece. Joseph came over & we talked about Danny and I told him some of the details of what happened and let him read the note. He wanted to try to understand it all, too. I gave him one of Dannyís guitar t-shirts.
06/10 Direct Link
It would have been 20 years. I uploaded our wedding photos to the Internet. Each one, I fixed the color, contrast and lighting, all 65. It made me deeply remember our wedding. We planned it around my friend Jeannieís visit. A magistrate performed it, and we held it in the backyard of the band house we lived in. The wedding guests, I knew would never be together again. They hummed the wedding march. A small, very informal wedding, but a loving commitment for life. I always wished for a reaffirmation ceremony. I wanted to share more happy memories with Danny.
06/11 Direct Link
I hadnít been to the dentist in 2 years. I didnít realize it had been that long. Now, I need root canal. Iíd been back and forth to NYC, staying for months at a time since 2006. Going to the dentist was not often on my mind. I had always been good about it; we both were. I had tried to get Danny to go to the dentist, but he kept putting it off which didnít seem like him. Questions come up making me wonder how many things he did or didnít do that were part of his tragic choice.
06/12 Direct Link
Then, another problem came up. I clicked on the bathroom light switch, and something broke. The light wouldnít go off unless I had it in a very precise position, which wouldnít hold. I kept it on all night and called an electrician in the morning. Many things Danny used to fix, I have to hire people to do. I couldnít help but become suspicious when outlet after outlet started to fail. I didnít know what to think. He finally called me back and I put in all new fuses, but some outlets still donít work. Iím really hating this situation.
06/13 Direct Link
Okay, and then my annual doctorís appointment came up. Yuck. But I like my doctor and have been going to her for years. Also, I told her Iíve been having floaters in my left eye, more than usual. Iíve had that for quite awhile and mostly notice it in the sunlight. She got me an appointment with an ophthalmologist. I hadnít been to an ophthalmologist in many years, which isnít good. I have been to optometrists when Iíve needed new glasses. My brother recently had surgery for a detached retina. All the more reason to have my eyes checked regularly.
06/14 Direct Link
What did I do? Stayed up all night and slept all day, and HATED myself for it. Yeah, I can blame it on depression, grief, all kinds of things. I get into stupid computer games again and other junk. I donít even write here when I should. Should should should - there, Iíve said it. Iím in several kinds of therapies and one of the things Iím hearing again is not to use the word ďshould.Ē I have a ton of things I need to do, and Iím more overwhelmed than ever. Itís too hot; I donít want to do anything.
06/15 Direct Link
Rick & Sherry had a gig at The Melting Point. I donít often go to shows alone. I had listened to most of Rickís new CD a week or so ago. The radio was off; the house was silent. While in the bathroom, I heard the CD start by itself, just enough to hear. Maybe Iíd touched the timer button, but how did the CD come on? I just know Danny wanted to hear it. I turned it up. Started showering, the phone rang. I knew intuitively it was Sherry or Rick. It was Rick, while his CD was still playing.
06/16 Direct Link
Sunday was Fatherís Day, wasnít it? I guess I tried not to think about it too much. No, I havenít stopped missing Dad. How could I have lost the 2 most important men in my life? That comes back to me over and over.

That day, I went to the free yoga class Elizabeth gave to start off her new classes. Very nice. Then, I went to dinner with her and Eddie. Losing Danny is hard on everyone, not just me. Eddie has been having a very bad time of it. He told us about what heís been going through.
06/17 Direct Link
Iíll confess right here and now. I haven't been writing every day. Iím sure Iím not the only one. I try to write something I thought of that day. Me and myself write alike anyway. I just submitted one for the 22nd, and I mistakenly put it in for the 21st, so again, there will be a repeated entry. Now that I'm about to be caught up, I'm going to try to write every day. It will be easier, really. When I'm away, I'll have to write by hand and edit it later, but I'll try to have the time.
06/18 Direct Link
Went to have the car fixed. I couldnít hear it from inside the car, but other people told me they heard something dragging. It was a plate or something to do with the brake. I know very little about cars.

While I was there, the entodontistís office called. They had a cancellation and could fit me in. I came as soon as possible. Yes, I will need root canal. Itís not really bad yet. He explained it to me. Itís good that I caught it before it got really bad. I think most people wait until itís a horrible toothache.
06/19 Direct Link
Iíd say my friend Elizabeth cuts hair better than probably anyone Iíve been to. I shocked everyone when I got it cut short in NY. She improved it, and trimmed again today. This is the shortest Iíve ever had my hair in my life. I wonder if people think it has to do with me wanting a new identity or maybe that Danny wouldnít have liked my hair short. No, none of those, although it wouldíve given me pause as it has in the past. Short or long didnít matter to him if it didnít look old-fashioned. I agree.
06/20 Direct Link
Today was another wasted day. I took something last night to help me sleep and for allergy, and I shouldíve realized it would make me sleep all day and then when awake, depressed. My mother called, and I think I snapped at her. I lose patience with her forgetfulness, though she probably canít help it. Itís not that, itís the things she says sometimes; I wonít go into it. So, she got my aunt to call me to confirm the unveiling next weekend. Yes, it is still on. I guess I shouldíve confirmed it with my relatives. I started crying.
06/21 Direct Link
Iíve been having dreams where Danny is angry with me, or not happy with me. I had one where I knew he was going to commit suicide but he planned to divorce me and that made him feel better. He smiled, looking relieved. So maybe heíd commit suicide, maybe not.

I know this is horrible. I know it probably comes from guilt feelings and all those ďwhat ifís.Ē Iíve read and have been told that itís normal to have those feelings. Maybe it helps me to know that any of my feelings are normal, whatever ďnormalĒ is. Life feels surreal.
06/22 Direct Link
Today was another wasted day. I took something last night to help me sleep and for allergy, and I shouldíve realized it would make me sleep all day and then when awake, depressed. My mother called, and I think I snapped at her. I lose patience with her forgetfulness, though she probably canít help it. Itís not that, itís the things she says sometimes; I wonít go into it. So, she got my aunt to call me to confirm the unveiling next weekend. Yes, it is still on. I guess I shouldíve confirmed it with my relatives. I started crying.
06/23 Direct Link
Today, another wasted day. Only thing worthwhile, spending time with cats. CB is in my lap as I write this, hairs all over. I donít like having to type with one hand, but heís worth it. ďTime spent with cats is never wasted.Ē Who said that, besides me? Iíll look it up. Sigmund Freud. Okay, now CB has settled so I can use 2 hands to type, but Iím sweating like mad. Heís purring at me with his sweet face; much of his hair is stuck to my left arm. I may as well enjoy cats while Iím still home.
06/24 Direct Link
Why does it seem that every crappy thing comes at once? Yeah, I had that minor repair made on my car, and then something much worse happened. The ďcheck engineĒ light came on. I remember Danny had told me that if the check engine light ever comes on, the car is no good. Thought I shouldíve had the oil changed. No, itís not due. Should I have checked the oil level? Coolant was leaking from a crack. It needs a new radiator, but if the engine block is cracked, itís totaled. Same time, I just got notice insurance is due.
06/25 Direct Link
If youíve read the other entries Iíve written this month, you know Iíve written about grieving more than anything. I used to try to vary my entries.

Iíve been wondering if and for how long I should wear my wedding ring. I wasted today trying to find widowís rings and if they exist. Yes, but only from one place. You wear it with your wedding ring. I like that. Iím not satisfied with their choices, so I worked on designing my own. Iíd like to someday do my own metalwork, but I will have a professional make it for me.
06/26 Direct Link
Going to NY tomorrow, and Iím not packed yet. Iíve done extremely little on my list, and now Iím tired.

Hey, my car is not irreparable! I brought it in just in time. Yes, itíll be expensive. Needs a new radiator. If your ďcheck engineĒ light ever goes on, donít risk leaving it till later.

I went to counseling and to this group Iím in. I donít want to go into detail. One thing in the group we learn is ďmindfulness.Ē I also found a book on it. Iím trying to understand mindfulness. Trying not to be skeptical isnít easy.
06/27 Direct Link
Iím sitting in the airport as I write this by hand. That will be so for all my entries for these next 12 days.

Kenny called me, worried because he wasnít reaching Mom. I tried her, and now she just called me back. Sheís doing fine; Iím very glad.

Last night, I printed out some of Dadís poetry and writings. I will read some of it at the unveiling.

Dad wrote a heart-wrenching letter to his mother and sisters in 1945 when overseas, heartbroken knowing his father died. He needed a hardship discharge from the army and later succeeded.
06/28 Direct Link
My fight was terrible. The flight itself was okay, once we finally took off. Weather in Washington DC was bad, so all planes going to the northeast were held up. We waited on the plane for 3 or more hours sitting on the runway. I had nothing to eat all day except for a small portion of airport Chinese food that was much too spicy-hot to enjoy. It was almost 9 p.m. when we landed. Had very little sleep. Slept most of the day today. Went out and shopped, ate a huge dinner at the Bel Aire.
06/29 Direct Link
Today was Dadís unveiling. The unveiling of the monument is a Jewish custom. Iíd been a bit worried when I ordered the footstone, hoping I got everything correct. I based it on my grandfatherís stone. My weak knowledge of Hebrew had helped, as did a rabbi Iíd asked. I especially like the prayer which, translated means, ďMay his soul be bound to the bonds of everlasting life.Ē

I hired the cantor from Temple Sholom, not far from the cemetery. We were all pleased with the ceremony and were impressed with her beautiful voice. I could feel Dad enjoying her singing.
06/30 Direct Link
Itís the last entry of the month. Iíd been putting off writing this. So much for self-discipline in following the rules. I used to look forward to writing these. Not so much any more; maybe a little.

Iím okay, I guess. Iím still in NY, writing this by hand. Still looking forward to seeing the fireworks Friday with my brother and friends. When I donít have solid plans, Iíve tried to get out of the apartment so I wonít sleep all day. Spending money I shouldnít, went to the Metropolitan Museum, went to the movies. Nice, but always alone.