BY ME114

01/01 Direct Link
Happy New Year! Iím sure Iím not the first to open with that. Iíve let some months slide. Iím watching the Twilight Zone marathon as usual. I guess that makes me a nerd? Iíve stopped going to Dannyís gigs a long time ago, as Iíve said before. Too many hours. When I was a kid, I was dying to have somewhere to go on New Yearís Eve. Now, I find it much easier to stay home. Still, every year thereís a big part of me wishing I did have somewhere really fun and elegant to go to. I can dream.
01/02 Direct Link
I was out of my depression medication while my doctor was out of town, and I hadnít realized I needed the prescription renewed until it was too late. Itís nice to have holidays, but itís also a relief when theyíre over. I went through weird withdrawal symptoms. What I had I can only describe as temporary Tourettes...okay, on looking it up, thereís such thing as ďTransient Tic Disorder.Ē Not facial tics, but shuddering head movements up to arms flailing, and sometimes vocalizations. I thought maybe I was imagining it, but then it would happen again, with that sick feeling.
01/03 Direct Link
I thought it would take about a week to get over that withdrawal I was going through, but no. Itís almost completely gone. But what about the eye twitching Iíve had since í06? Hey, Iím not complaining, itís just weird. I donít feel sorry for myself, or if I do and donít realize it, so what? I still feel sorrier for other people. The more people I meet, the more cases of serious illness I learn about. Youíd be surprised how many people are walking around who are going through or have been through huge physical, mental and emotional traumas.
01/04 Direct Link
Mom is happy at her assisted living place, so I have to get ready to sell the apartment. Iím sure Iíll write about that more as it comes nearer. She didnít want the car anymore, and Iím very glad sheís given up driving! We brought home as much as we could in the car last November. Mom has no sentiment about material things, so I have more sentiment than I should have. My brother doesnít want much, either, though I want him to have some things at least. Iíll continue this in my next entry; I need to catch up.
01/05 Direct Link
So I came across Mom & Dadís high school diplomas and yearbooks. Dad graduated De Witt Clinton in 1939. Thatís in the Bronx. They lived in the Bronx most of Dadís young years. ďDeĒ and ďWittĒ were apparently separate words in those days. It was a boysí school then, and most of the guys had quotes and aspirations next to their pictures. Some were damn funny! Wait - Iíve found something just now. One of the grads was ďHerbert Alper,Ē ďMusicianĒ (ďA solo is not a flight by an aviator.Ē) Was in music clubs. Was this Herb Alpert? Iíll look it up.
01/06 Direct Link
I wanted to continue from my last entry. No way ďHerbert AlperĒ is/was Herb Alpert. Here are some of the funny things printed in Dadís 1939 high school yearbook. Itís amazing how many guys aspired to be dentists: ďItís true Iíll only be a cuspid puller, but I assure you I prefer it to selling brushes for Fuller.Ē More quotes: ďWater him, heís a blooming idiot,Ē ďSome think college bred means a four year loaf on Dadís dough, but I donít,Ē ď Allís well that eats well. Ē Ambition: ďBigamistĒ says: ďIím trading in my Ď40í (wife) for two Ď20ís.Ē
01/07 Direct Link
Continuing amusing quotes and aspirations printed in Dadís 1939 ďClintonianĒ high school yearbook: One who aspired to be ďThird Vice-President of Ford Motor CompanyĒ says, ďVaccinated with a victrola needle.Ē I know he stole that from Groucho, but why not steal from the best? More: ďMarry a Rich GirlĒ says, ďThey say better men have been born, but I doubt it;Ē ďChampion Rope SwingerĒ says, ďItís better to have gypped and passed, than never to have passed at all;Ē ďMerchant MarineĒ says, ďHe sails them in a bathtub;Ē ďTeacherĒ says, ďStill waters run deep with plenty of mud underneath.Ē
01/08 Direct Link
Momís high school yearbook is from 1944, Evander Childs H.S. (also in the Bronx, though they met when Dad was living in Rockaway and after the War). Not funny like Dadís, but each student got a cute little rhyme. Dadís yearbook didnít say anything about him, but he was very good looking! Momís said about her, ďA lover of music both sad and sweet; A tall, dark man, we hope, sheíll meet. Frances has not decided whether sheíll attend college.Ē She did meet him years later, that was Dad, and she did attend college - The Manhattan School of Music.
01/09 Direct Link
Joe does amazing work. Two of Dannyís former bandmates had come up from Florida so they could all do some recording together. They had a blast! The guys recorded two songs, and Joe made videos from them. Danny lip synched the second song as a character heíd invented. Pretty damn funny! For other song, Joe put old video clips to the music and it was hilarious, as was the opening page of the DVD. Itís from a film from the 30ís or 40ís of three girls, supposedly waitresses, undulating, but their faces are the faces of the guys!
01/10 Direct Link
Thinking again about family after watching on PBS ďThe Jewish Americans.Ē One thing I didnít know about was the history of Jewish immigrants in colonial times. Not my relatives. Dadís mother was born in the U.S. into a large family. Her parents were immigrants from Lithuania. My other three grandparents were all immigrants. My paternal grandfather was sent to the U.S. when he and (I think) a cousin got involved with a revolutionary group and they were caught burying guns in the backyard in Poland. When he was a young man here, he worked as a suit model.
01/11 Direct Link
Continuing from yesterday. As I said, my grandfather was a model at one time, traveling the country, Dad told me. This was probably before marriage. He looked dapper in a photo with Grandma (happily smiling but appearing overworked) and Dad as a baby taken on the roof.

My maternal grandfather hated his very strict, religious upbringing in Russia and stowed away on a cattle boat which landed him in Texas. Having nowhere to go, he lied about his age so he could join the Army. It mustíve been after the Army when he went to NY where he met Grandma.
01/12 Direct Link
I havenít been to many Broadway shows. If I still lived in NY, itís unlikely Iíd be able to afford them. Possibly the first was Fiddler on the Roof, but Zero had already left the cast. Our seats were not good.

Next one I remember was Story Theatre which I loved. Then, Story Theatre became a TV show, but didnít last.

ďWhy donít we sing a song all together,
Open our heads let the pictures come?
And if we open our eyes together,
Then we will see where we all come from.Ē

That was the beginning of the theme song.
01/13 Direct Link
Continuing from yesterdayís entry.
As I said, I hadnít seen many Broadway shows, but I wonít go on to list them, just three more.
When I was in high school, a friend had an extra ticket to see Equus. I was amazed that our seats were on the stage! I donít remember much except Anthony Perkinsí spit spraying out, and the boy running around naked in the nude scene.

Iíve seen two Broadway plays after Iíd left NY: Cats and Tommy. Mom & Dad gave us tickets to see Cats, seated on the stage, which I didnít expect! Iíll continue this.
01/14 Direct Link
Iíd been thinking of the play Cats lately because itís been advertised as coming to the Fox Theatre. Watching it while seated on the stage was great, until intermission. By the time I got back after the looong ladiesí room line, it was dark and the play was continuing. No one was there to help me back to my seat - on the stage! I felt helpless and stupid, terrified Iíd end up on the stage with the performers!!! Should I just open the door? It worked, and I found my way back, but that experience ruined it for me.
01/15 Direct Link
Working this past Novemberís ďBlack Friday,Ē I met an elderly lady who had volunteered to paint the backdrop for a nativity play, but had little idea how, so I said Iíd do it. I also needed the pay. I decided to gesso the sheet she bought for the project and to paint it all on the deck. Spray paint would be best though Iíd never done it before, and this painting would be huge. The weather and my backache didnít help. Learned spray painting from watching spray artists on YouTube. Nervous, but I did it, and it was well-received.
01/16 Direct Link
Petition I signed (leaving out last sentence):
If only the care of discarded, neglected and abused animals was acknowledged on a state and then a national level, it is very likely that shelters would be able to expand and operate well without resorting to euthanasia due to lack of funds. It would take relatively little out of the budget. It is an undeniable fact that all communities have a serious need for animal shelters. Just as it would be unlawful to euthanize human citizens because where they live is overly populated, euthanasia of healthy, adoptable pets should be equally unacceptable.
01/17 Direct Link
I love Animal Precinct. In a wreckage of a deserted house, 3 puppies were abandoned and starving. They found the third, curled up in a box. It looked like sheíd starved to death. Then, the officer noticed very shallow breathing. They rushed her to the animal hospital. With no heartbeat and no signs of life, the medical staff worked on the puppy they named Hope for two hours - worth a try. Then, a heartbeat, eyes blinked, she breathed on her own! By morning, Hope could stand. Today, sheís a healthy, beautiful dog adopted by a couple whose dog chose her.
01/18 Direct Link
Been teaching beads for quite some time. Learned crimping and basic wire turning when I was unemployed and my friend, Jeannie was my roommate. I guess it was '84, because Rianne had given birth to her kittens who were ready for new homes. A friend of a friend said she'd take one, so I went with her to bring the new kitten to her home. Her mother had just started making and selling jewelry and asked me if I wanted to learn. Definitely! I started off by copying her designs, but I was too slow. Iíll continue this next entry.
01/19 Direct Link
She hired me back later. This time, it wasnít copying her designs. We mostly made anklets which her son sold successfully on the beach. We also made necklaces, earrings and bracelets. It was very pleasant working in her home despite the far commute by subway and the long walk. We listened to radio talk shows and talked while we made jewelry. It was summer and the windows were open. Sheíd make lunch for us and we ate outside. I was young, I had short hair and wore flowing sundresses. Itís a very fond memory, and beads became a useful skill.
01/20 Direct Link
Continuing. The seasons changed, and so did situations. I got a usual, awful office job. The kitten - Rianneís second born - grew up but stayed small. Giving away a kitten had led to a pleasant job making bead jewelry. It was an extra bonus to enjoy the kitten while I was there. Some time after I left, she died. They said it was probably due to having eaten a poisoned rodent.

In í88, I moved to Georgia and got married. Iíd done very little jewelry making after í86 or Ď87, but then started teaching beginner classes at a store in 2000.
01/21 Direct Link
Continuing. The seasons changed, and so did situations. I got a usual, awful office job. The kitten - Rianneís second born - grew up but stayed small. Giving away a kitten had led to a pleasant job making bead jewelry. It was an extra bonus to enjoy the kitten while I was there. Some time after I left, she died. They said it was probably due to having eaten a poisoned rodent.

In í88, I moved to Georgia and got married. Iíd done very little jewelry making after í86 or Ď87, but then started teaching beginner classes at a store in 2000.
01/22 Direct Link
Maybe Iím weird, but this is true. Itís not that I hear voices in my head. You know how it is when a song pops into your mind. Itís usually when Iím really tired, including times when Iím trying to fall asleep. Phrases will pop into my mind, usually along with how it sounds and a vague picture of the person saying it. They donít make sense to anything Iíd been talking or thinking about and are often things I wouldnít be inclined to say. Iíve been told I may be clairaudient, but itís more like picking up radio reception.
01/23 Direct Link
Yesterday, I wrote about being possibly clairaudient or whatever it is. Not much lately. Had little of it last night, though I was trying to be aware of it. At times, Iíve been bombarded with phrases coming from various people, even in other languages, to the point where itís annoyingly kept me awake. When itís that strong, I know it must be real and not coming from me. Once it was a weather report in middle Florida from a TV news studio. I checked the next day and it was correct. My TV was off, and Iím not in Florida.
01/24 Direct Link
Started a poem, not sure where it would lead. No, I wonít go on with it. I tend to write poems that rhyme because thatís what I was brought up with. Rhyming poetry probably sounds like greeting cards to most people. Randomly, I started with:

Gold and silver
Glittery things
Sunlight on water
Outstretched wings
Purple red sunsets
Fading away
Return with the sunrise
The very next day

Then I went into this thing about some fragment of beauty you once left behind getting you out of your sorrow, meaning depression. Iím not sure itís true, but it may help.
01/25 Direct Link
Itís the anniversary of my fatherís passing. It was a year ago today. He had fallen and was badly bruised. It was a lot worse than it would have been had he not been on blood thinner medication. I asked my mother if I should fly in. She said no. I thought he was going to get better. Thatís what the person I spoke with at the hospital led me to believe.

I shouldnít dwell on the negative. I should remember good things about Dad. I try to do that most of the time. I donít completely accept his passing.
01/26 Direct Link
When I was a child and we lived in Building 5, the layout was different than when we moved to Building 1. I was trying to remember if I seemed lonely then as I did when I was a teenager. I wasnít an only child and I had friends, but I felt lonely. When I played by myself, Iíd often close all the doors to the bathroom and bedrooms, and Iíd open the coat closet door to block off most of the hallway. This way, Iíd create a new room where Iíd play with games we kept in the closet.
01/27 Direct Link
Tomorrow morning I have jury duty. Iím on such a terrible sleep schedule, I donít know how Iíll be able to get up, but I have to do it.
Actually, Iíd like to be chosen.
Iíve been on a jury before and it was interesting. Coincidentally, I was working as a legal secretary at that time.
The second time, I was an alternate juror and I blew it by sleeping too late and was dismissed.
The third time, I wasnít chosen, probably because I was acquainted with one of the attorneys.
I am dreading all the hours of waiting around.
01/28 Direct Link
The usual waiting for hours for everything. Unlike everyone else, I wanted to be chosen. They picked out 58 people. Around halfway through, my odds were slim. Okay, ď56,Ē was me. Then the other judge came in; heís from another county. They cut us down further, keeping the first 5 rows, letting the rest of us go. A remote possibility remains. I called tonight; they donít need us tomorrow. Tomorrow around 6, weíre supposed to call again. When Iím certain I wonít be needed, Iíll book my flight to NY. So many things I need to take care of there.
01/29 Direct Link
Iíve heard having vivid, detailed dreams are a side effect of antidepressants. I dreamt my mother decided to leave the assisted living facility because she didnít like the people there. I dreaded moving her back to the apartment. Sheíd be alone and anxious about it again, and we couldnít afford healthcare aides again. Then Iíd have to bring back things Iíd movedÖ
I woke up and realized it was only a dream and therefore not true!!!!! I fell back to sleep.

In the next dream, Danny & I were living in Florida in a house on a beach. It was great!
01/30 Direct Link
I was chosen after all.
Now I remember: the first time I was called, I had a painfully tedious data entry job. It was a gigantic relief to be away from it to serve on a jury.

The first trial this time was a civil case against a local church. That sounded more interesting.
This one is yet another drug-related case, but not a dealer bust like the first 2 cases I served on. Itís always crack, it seems. Iíll write about the case when itís over, which should be by tomorrow. I take copious notes during the trial.
01/31 Direct Link
The 63 year old defendant admittedly possessed crack. One voted ďNot Guilty,Ē obviously the man who was against police raids. I agreed, ďI hate police raids with their terrorist tactics. But I believe they followed the law. Our job is not to change the law but to know the law, decide if the law was broken and if the defendant broke it.Ē Iíd learned before that this is what a jurorís job is. Next vote, no deadlock. Sentence: a fine, addiction help and 5 years probation.

Leaving next Sunday. This is my last entry until I get back from NY.