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03/01 Direct Link

Our apartment had a new exterior gas heater. If we wanted to turn down the heat, we had to go outside to adjust it, which we did one afternoon. Mary said, here, look at something dangerous. She shut it off. Gas was getting trapped somewhere and flames were bursting out at regular intervals, scorchingly hot. It started raining. Mary stared at the flames. The wind picked up. Thunder and lightning. The hammer I was holding wanted to jump out of my hand. I dragged Mary inside and lightning struck the heater, it exploded in a gigantic fireball. We barely survived.
03/02 Direct Link

He

He's a man.
He's a terrier.
He's got hold.
He'll rape you.
He's a rapist.
He's got drugs.
He's a drug.
He's not ordinary.
He slights her.
He's against toes.
He's some hair.
He's a license.
He drinks heavily.
He's drunk now.
He hates you.
He loves women.
He doesn't lie.
He's a terrier,
He's got hold.
He votes Liberal.
He wears vests.
He saw Handmaid's.
He's passed out.
He sleeps soundly.
He's a job.
He loves authority.
He punches things.
He's a child.
He's behind you.
He likes monochrome.
He's a terrier.
He's stalking you?
He won't leave?
03/03 Direct Link

Friend David recently asked if I was having an affair. An odd question. I know he's a gossip-slut and all, but why would he ask me such a thing?

I then remembered, once I was in my apartment with the blinds drawn. He came knocking and shouting at the window. "John, you in there?" "J-just a minute," I cried.

A few minutes later I went to the door. No, I didn't want to go for coffee. I sent him on his way.

He must've thought I had a girl there. Actually, I was merely watching a pornographic film, dressed appropriately.
03/04 Direct Link

In the silence after the sirens pass, time is as frozen as the people are, even though they still walk the sidewalk, still hold hands, still find their souls within; but in the stillness of what we still do stands a silence and a shock as the breath of the sirens leaves us behind and we know we're not dead, injured, or under arrest (all three possible because we're often confused about our mete of being, our parcel of health, and our measure of bondage), and we know we're alive, because the sirens have passed and we're still, and still.
03/05 Direct Link

This here room on the plans is one thing, but it's another with all the changing moods, and Mary says he changes his mind more than a woman. There's an outside, and a sidewalk, and a moviehouse nearby. Should we ... should we ... should we.... My mind is poorly. Your health, how's your health? I was dreaming I was doing a puzzle. John washes the dishes. She's got a piece of cheese and a quartered apple. Nothing's ever on the radio these days. It's time to go outside

and sop up his blood with a copy of yesterday's Trib.
03/06 Direct Link

PETITION TO BOYCOTT THE TIMOTHY'S WORLD COFFEE AT 255 FRONT STREET WEST

Brothers and sisters, I was forced to go into TIMOTHY'S today because of a fire at Metro Hall. FIRST, they put the cups on one side of the cash register and the coffee urns on the other, and THAT'S NOT ERGONOMIC!!! SECOND, when I went to fill my cup, all the urns were EMPTY!!! And THIRD, when I alerted one of the servants to this fact, SHE DIDN'T SMILE, SHE DIDN'T EVEN SAY SHE WAS SORRY!

LET'S BOYCOTT TIMOTHY'S.

Signed,

Name:
Address:
Phone:

(Attach additional sheets if necessary.)
03/07 Direct Link

Friend,

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03/08 Direct Link

-Yes, I would like scrambled eggs and sausage. With brown toast.

-Awesome, said the waitress.

-Excuse me, young lady, said Harold, I believe you are mistaken. My order was merely perfunctory. To refer to it as 'awesome' is, without a doubt, hyperbolic.

-Um-

-Save your "awesome"s for that which is truly awesome, such as the stars at night, and first love. Scrambled eggs, sausage, and brown toast are not awesome. What is awesome, however, is how much I love you.

The waitress tossed her pad away.

-Harold! I thought you'd never say!

She leapt on his lap and kissed him.
03/09 Direct Link

Bed

I'll turn the covers down my love
I'll wait for you to come
I'll stop with words the stars above
I'll make the traffic dumb

I'll hold you in my arms, my arms
I'll hold you in my arms
You'll sleep as if the world is not
I'll hold you in my arms

I'll advantageously submit
I'll let you drive my drive
I'll stimulate and never quit
I'll not depart alive

I'll hold you in my arms, my arms
I'll hold you in my arms
You'll sleep as if the world is not
I'll hold you in my arms
03/10 Direct Link

Mark Egan

The Hulk changes when angered. The shadow vanishes. Flash speeds.

Me? I vomit money.

Picture yourself going up to the 7-11 counter with a candy bar. The girl says, "$1,35, please." Then you puke on the counter, and there amidst the half-digested matter lies a loonie, three dimes, and a nickel.

That's what I can do, and I do it often.

I pity the girls in the 7-11. I need things, but to get them, I puke all over the counter.

So shocking!

I wish I could earn an honest living. Unfortunately, I'm a mutant. Puking up money.
03/11 Direct Link

Red Red Wine

This one's about these best friends I knew by the names of Laurie Chenhall and Leslie Rollauer. Takes place when I'm 17.

For some reason, we fall into a dispute about sexual attraction, almost as if we're sensible adults. I want to prove women are more attractive than men. Leslie's not buying it.

So I throw my arm around Laurie and pull her close to my side. Pointing to our faces I say to Leslie, "Isn't it demonstrable that she's prettier than me?"

And Leslie cries.

Red Red Wine is playing on the stereo,

And Leslie cries.
03/12 Direct Link

Here, dear, take my bucket, fill it with some suds
I'll fry us up three steaks, and serve 'em with some spuds
Bass, guitar, and drums we'll play until the break of dawn
Wait! Did I hear you right my dear, you say that he is gone?

Gone I say he's gone to the city (to the city)
He's gone oh yes he's gone to the town
Don't know what we'll do now he's not around
Gone I say he's left for the city

We got the bass
We got the git
We got the drums
Why did he split?
03/13 Direct Link

Monday: I go to my room. It's been redone. The floor is brown fabric with a bamboo mat. There's a very small desk in one corner. Plus, the room is about four times the size it used to be.

Wednesday: I'm cleaning up the books and records. The kitchen cupboards are open and I'm putting books in. Out of room. I'm about to line them up beside the sink, but won't they get wet there?

And this is in the house my parents used to live in, a house I'll probably never go into again. Guess I was feeling lonely.
03/14 Direct Link

Rats! Thirty seconds after entering the smoking room, the red-haired girl leaves. This isn't fair! All I want is for five of the six tables to be taken up with two people apiece, with her sitting alone at the sixth. Then I'd pretty much be forced to sit at her table. Why can't I have just that one little thing? Why is life so unfair? Why do I always end up sitting with Marcie and her cigarillos? Ever since my psychiatrist auto-erotically asphyxiated herself, I haven't been the same. Come back, red-haired girl! Come back, little red-haired girl! Good grief!
03/15 Direct Link

Totally Plagiarized From Yann Martel

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah I think my head is going to explode blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
03/16 Direct Link

I was stepping out of a store with some popcorn and I saw a woman on a bicycle pass on my side of the street. A car going in the opposite direction was making a left turn. It must've gotten a bit too close to her, because she screamed, "You stupid motherfucker! You fucking cocksucker!" She even slowed and turned around a bit. "Filthy piece of shit, you and your motherfucking car, cocksucker! This is my fucking road too, prick! Kiss my fucking ass, motherfucker!"

And I thought, Wow. Skanky bitch slut season has come earlier than usual this year.
03/17 Direct Link

I see in the box there's another letter from you,
I see in my box there's another letter from you,
And yet you said breaking glass last night we were through.

You called me a dog and said I'd have to move,
You called me a dog, you said I gotta move,
And then you went and showed me how you groove.

If you don't love me, then why do you treat me this way?
If you don't love me, why do you treat me this way?
You wrecked my whole life and yet you expect me to stay.

Ayodelaydeyo-ayodelaydeyay-Ayodelo.
03/18 Direct Link

1st edition:
Impressions:
1. Nice eyes, who's he?
2. Him again.
3. Who is he?

2nd edition:
Impressions:
1. I've seen him somewhere before. Right, the shop. Gone.
2. Guy from the shop again.
3. (uncorrected) Scope: who's he here with? Ah!
3. (corrected) Where'd she go? Oh, she's with that guy.
4. Now why was I dreaming about him?

3rd edition:
Impressions:
1. Know that guy. Here comes Kate.
2. Oh, right, from the shop, it's him!
3. Could have redhead kids instead now.
4. Fifteen years ago, that shop.

Posthumous edition:
I dreamed about him.... Perhaps he's died.
03/19 Direct Link

Since this is my 200th entry, some statistics of the contents so far.

The entries so far contain:
55% bitterness
12% anxiety
32% alcohol by volume
2% bums
4% outright slander
1% complete truth
90% suffering
4% relexivity
21.5% hostility
12% gratitude
5% plagiarism
25% intertextuality
10% sheer waste
16% sophomoric material
12% impossible obscurity
4% drugs
8% i don't remember
42% boring material
.5% sheer bloody genius
7% about Mary
1% about Mary by name
15% oneirica
5% about animals
10% memories
8% lists like this
3.1415926% mathematica
17% snivelling self-pity
49.9% hopeful
.5% made someone cry
49.9% fear
03/20 Direct Link

Took a turn around the building trying to come up with something to write. Nothing was coming. Down John Street. Nothing. East on Front. Nothing. Nearly finished. Around the corner, nothing. I see four design school students smoking. One's holding a fifth of scotch. He's a student? When I'm near them, the guy with the bottle comes charging toward me, "Hey, buddy, buddy, give me a hug!" with his arms outstretched. A rummy! "No, no," I say, (think), "I don't like hugging people." The rummy falls back and laughs. I hurry on, smiling like friends. I'm inside. He's still laughing.
03/21 Direct Link

1.

I was nine. It was games day at Eastbourne Park. We were each given a balloon and five feet of string. We blew up the balloons. We were told how to play the game: each kid tie one end of the string to the balloon and tie the other end around your ankle. The object is to break everyone else's balloons. The kid with the last unbusted balloon is the winner.

My artistic friend Dennis started home. The game organizer said, "Hey Dennis, where you going?"

He said, indicating the balloon, "I'm gonna take this home and make something."
03/22 Direct Link

2.

a.

Went to Pete's bachelor party in Whitby. I didn't feel proper, so I snuck out. I had no money, so I walked home. To Oshawa, so six miles.

b.

To a party with Veronica. The hostess complimented her about some item of clothing. Then she said to me, "I don't like anything of yours." I snuck out five minutes later.

c.

I was supposed to read a story at a magazine launch, but I'd brought the wrong draft. Snuck away.

d.

Staff Christmas party at a too-narrow bar. I snuck out for a smoke, and never went back.
03/23 Direct Link

e.

Two days ago, I sit on the bed's edge catatonically. I cannot bring myself to go tonight to the art exhibition Mary's curated; I know I can't survive the strangers; I'll be forced to sneak out.

I go to my work and phone Mary at hers. Answering machine, thankfully. "I can't come. I'll explain later."

I don't answer when it rings and rings.

Self-pity mixed with self-knowledge. A higher sense of existence. Here I am. If I went, I would have to sneak out. This feeling....

At five, I walk home.

I'm gonna take this home and make something.
03/24 Direct Link

A Dream

I'm at work.

It's two in the afternoon.

I feel like getting some coffee.

Who's around to go with me?

I look over and I see A-- is there.

I swivel and go over to her.

"Hello."

She looks up. "Hey."

"You wanna go off for some coffee?"

"Sure. Lemme finish this record."

The dream is ordinary so far. I've gone for coffee with A-- a dozen times. But then I enter the dream world, when I know it's a dream.

Over the cubicle wall I call to A--'s neighbour, "Hey, B--, you want some coffee?"
03/25 Direct Link

Ten Facts

The earth is quite spherical. Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared. I have one left foot and one right foot. The square of the hypoteneuse of a right-angled triangle is equal to the sun of the squares of the other two sides. It's 11:27 now. I've got strands of DNA in every one of my cells, and it's mostly all the same. You are reading this sentence. The First Folio was published in 1623. Light travels at a constant speed. I'd still be a virgin if it wasn't for my Tony the Tiger character costume.
03/26 Direct Link

A page from my slumlord's secret diary

Dearest Diary,

J-- phoned today. He told me there was ice on the inside of his windows. I told him to call city council, find someone who cared.

Call from M--. She was having a problem with her hot water. Said, "Hire a plumber and fuck him instead of paying, you slut."

J-- phoned again. I yelled at him. "Fix it yourself! Put some fucking plastic over the windows!"

O Diary,

Will they ever understand that beneath this hostile attitude I am really truly madly in love with the both of them?
03/27 Direct Link

THE ANIMALS WANT TO TAKE OVER THE ZOO

is what I wrote on my picket sign. You wouldn't believe the nasty looks I got from the other union members. Don't they understand that I'm in favour of the animals taking over the zoo? The gorillas can handle security. The monkeys can do the programming. The peacocks can do the acting. The snakes can close the advertising deals. The lions can be executives. The insects can build the sets. The giraffes? Lighting, of course. The pigs will run the unions, and the sheep will be members.

Doesn't anyone understand analogies anymore?
03/28 Direct Link

John and I were getting drunk at the Gem last night. What were we talking about? Started with the Beatles, that's about as much as I remember. Three pitchers, some pints, half pint.

We walked down Somerset to Geary and across Geary, and that's where I fell onto the road, drunk. I was laughing at first. Then I tried to get up but I couldn't, drunk. There were headlights coming. Still couldn't, drunk. John grabbed me and pulled me off the road as the semi roared by, drunk.

"Saved your life," he said, drunk.

No you haven't, I thought, drunk.
03/29 Direct Link

Today's Crime

I like to commit a crime every single day. Here I confess today's crime.

Today down in the atrium there was an antique show. Near the entrance was a box for a draw for some or other door prize. Entry forms and golf pencils were nearby. I filled out an entry form, then I slipped the pencil in my pocket.

In my purple notebook, with that stolen pencil, I carefully wrote,

Today's Crime
The note you're
reading is based on
notes....


And now I've here composed this entry from that very note.

Hey, that's three crimes! Three crimes!
03/30 Direct Link

The Wrights Had a Rabbit

My Angel, sleep away into the night
The day, its pain, its play, its strifes, its slights.
I turn the bulb, you wait for morning light,
And as you sleep you'll see the whitest whites.

Please leave that burning lit and let alone
The heavy faggot on your shoulder's held.
The twigs you think are dead, look, how they've grown
The birds and beasts your waking hours withheld.

Simplistically enunciate your dreams,
Into your dreams inject your trillion suns,
And find the place of pinkish lupine beams,
And find your hearts' desire, my Bunny Buns.
03/31 Direct Link

Messing with words, drinking with abandon, working with fire, consorting with demons, smoking with cheapies, grooving with O'Bavion, haunting with ghosts, alphabetizing with abecadarians, sleeping with cousins, wrestling with God, wrestling with God, wrestling with God, driving with Daisy, fucking with you, bleeding without coagulates, writing with typers, listening with all ears open, pushing with pressure, relaxing with angels, sympathizing with Elena, living with uncertainty, working with the murders of 1985, watching with intent, wrestling with God, dissenting with perception, dying with dignity, worrying about psychology, dying with Christ, lying with tongue, despairing with Mary, thinking with intensity, is me.