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BY Jodi

08/01 Direct Link
"Sometimes just THINKING about mustard makes me sick," Phil says, shuddering.

"Do you often think about mustard?" I say.

"Yes," he says.

"Just mustard? Or do you consider other condiments too?"

"Just mustard," he says. "Once I thought about relish, but didn't get obsessed with it."

"Why don't you stop thinking about mustard, then, if it sickens you?"

"I can't! I've tried!"

"So are you feeling sick right now?" I say.

"Actually, no. Maybe it helps if I talk about it!"

And so he does. Every Thursday at 11:00, I endure 20 minutes of a mustard manifesto in my office.
08/02 Direct Link
In my new office, the bathroom is off the main room, without a hallway buffer. Although it's convenient, now I'm privy to sounds my patients make when they're in there.

Pssssssssshhhhhhh ... psssshhhhhh ... I hear.

I raise my eyebrow at Debra when she comes out. I don't want to say anything, but can't help myself.

"What was that?" I say, forgetting she's a patient.

"What?"

"That psssshhh stuff. What were you doing?"

"I always do that when I pee," she says. "It's the pee sound. It helps with the flow. Doesn't everyone do it?"

Why do I even ask?
08/03 Direct Link
Rather than circumvent them, I like to barge through seemingly impenetrable clusters of fat-ass, stiff-banged, sneaker-clad clueless tourists to let them know I am a busy, fast-paced, unstoppable New Yorker who cannot be bothered to alter her course in order to accommodate their intrusive existence. This way, I give them a nice little story to bore their friends, family, and colleagues with over coffee, at the dinner table, and around the water cooler. "It was so typical of New York!" they can say -- even though it was the only experience of its kind that they had during their stay.
08/04 Direct Link
"It's food porn," he says, turning the thick, glossy pages of the coffee-table book. I think he thinks I don't know the term. He doesn't know that, as a teenaged anorexic, I used to read recipes with hunger bordering on lust.

He looks at me like I should be turned on. Like hearing the word "porn" would make me drop to my knees, sucking to no avail what I'd later discover was a rather flaccid cock.

We ate the porcini-leek risotto I'd cooked just for him and brought to his house in a covered dish. It's all he was getting.
08/05 Direct Link
Every time I pass the diner where we had our first date, I imagine I see us seated in the window, animated in conversation -- him with eggs, me with fruit cup, having just breezed down Riverside on his mint-green Vespa. I insert myself into that vignette, as a waitress or a grape in the fruit cup, to alert the unwitting me that this was to be our only date, and that every other time I'd see him, it'd be at his place. And that eventually he wouldn't even bother to pick me up or drop me off at all.
08/06 Direct Link
"Please get rid of the candy," I say.

"Sorry," Kelly says. "I forgot. I haven't been here for weeks."

The candy remains. It clacks against her teeth as she stands by my desk, waiting for an invitation to sit.

"The candy, Kelly."

"Jolly Rancher," she says. "Watermelon. Apple's my favorite, but I ran out. I keep forgetting to buy more!"

"I mean get rid of it. You know I don't allow eating during sessions."

"I'm sucking, not eating. Can I sit?"

"Get rid of it first," I say.

She spits it into my water glass and flops onto the sofa.
08/07 Direct Link
The express and local trains are neck-and-neck on the track at 42nd Street. The local has to slow down at some point, though, to accommodate the 50th Street stop, and as it does, the express seems to pick up speed as it barrels down the track en route to its next stop at 72nd Street, three beyond 50th.

"Fucking showoff," I think. "Bully. Kicking sand in the face of the little local."

As the trains separated, I swore I saw Charles Atlas, standing akimbo in all his line-drawing back-of-comic-book glory, smirking through the window, as if he'd actually won something.
08/08 Direct Link
Instead of depriving criminals of their freedom, punishment should come in the form of robbing them of their health. People always say, especially when a situation is dire, "Well, as long as you have your health," as if it's some sort of consolation or comfort. So wouldn't it make sense to take away a component of health instead of just locking someone up? Same goes for suing someone. Rather than threatening to "sue you for everything you've got," the victim should be able to take away something supposedly more valuable than money -- something intangible, like health. Just a suggestion.
08/09 Direct Link
Ladies, I hate to break it to ya, but you're gonna hafta get over the fact that your fellas are diggin' the porn. It's no use asking why they like it or demanding they stop watching it. And it does no good if you stand around all angry, eyes pooling with tears, as he downloads clips of fisting, vomit-inducing blowjobs, water sports, and countless hours of raucous anal. Don't bother with the "It objectifies women!" shpiel. And don't for a minute think he'll be satisfied with this lame-brain, limp-dick "porn made for women by women" nonsense either. Suck it up.
08/10 Direct Link
I suppose it was only fair that he smelled like a mixture of baked-on sweat tinged with pee, given that he had to go ahead and look like a hybrid of Ryan O'Neal (as he appeared in "Love Story") and Robert Redford (as he appeared in "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid"). Nature's way of balancing out the universe, I suppose. It would've been unbearable had he smelled as good as he looked. But then again, I wish his fatal flaw would've been something that didn't make my eyes water, my throat clench, and make it near-impossible to blow him.
08/11 Direct Link
"Why run when you can ride?" I say through the open window to the handsome sweaty jogger when he is finally a foot or two away on the sidewalk near my mother's shiny black car. I am waiting for a break in the traffic to turn left onto the busy street that will lead me to the supermarket for the weekend shopping trip.

This suggestion does more for his cardiovascular system than a run of any length could hope to achieve. And mine as well.

Within ten minutes, I'm giving him mouth-to-cock resuscitation at his place.

The shopping can wait.
08/12 Direct Link
Do you want the secret recipe to my success? The fountain of youth that has people exclaiming, "No way!" when I tell them my age (or when I offer it to them, just so I can hear them so exclaim)?

Sure you do. Stop being coy and pretending you don't.

It's ICED COFFEE. A tall glass. Strong coffee (I suggest Illy espresso), with a generous splash of chocolate soy milk (I suggest Silk; I use the Lite) , a healthy dash of soy creamer (again, Silk), and three packets of Splenda. Preferably drunk through a straw.

Voila! Youth! Vigor! Fabulousness!
08/13 Direct Link
"There's nothing they can do about it, is there?" Jake asks, holding an unlit lighter to a cigarette and then stabbing it out despite its status.

"Nope," I say, flipping through the photo packet he'd shoved into my hands at the outset of our session as if I were a doting grandmother. "Whose business is it if you fingerpaint your house?"

"Yeah," he says. "It's not like I'm asking anyone to help me paint."

He cancels the next month's sessions. Upon resurfacing, he shows me pictures of his handiwork. "My House" is written diagonally across the front door in glitter.
08/14 Direct Link
Plant Girl wheels her small cactus around town in an old-fashioned red metal wagon. Most people don't even bat an eye anymore.

"What's with the teddy bear?" a strange old man asks.

"That's Connie's buddy," she says, leaning over to tuck the bear closer to the cactus. "She can't sleep very well unless she has her buddy."

"Who's Connie?" the man says.

"My daughter," she says.

"Where is she?"

"Right here," Connie says, narrowing her eyes at this man who is clearly an imbecile.

"Ahh, yes," he says, noting the pink bow tied around Connie's prickly neck. "She's so pretty!"
08/15 Direct Link
I love these off-brand products whose packaging or color schemes are similar to the better-known, more successful products. Is this to fool illiterates and small children who wander into stores to buy, for instance, a can of "the soup with the red and white label" and who can be easily duped by a lesser brand dressing up in the more popular guy's clothing?

It doesn't seem fair that the copycat should benefit from the original's efforts. Still, I root for the underdog and am thrilled when someone picks up a swirly bottle of "Coba Cola" instead of The Real Thing.
08/16 Direct Link
I set my bedside clock so it runs three minutes ahead of the real time. I set its alarm for five minutes before the time I actually want to wake up. The snooze button only affords four more minutes of sleep. On a typical morning, I hit the snooze twice, and lie in bed for another five minutes.

Somewhere in here is a math word problem dying to be composed, solved in a black and white notebook, and written on a blackboard. But all I'm thinking right now is, "Why do I have to get out of bed at all?"
08/17 Direct Link
My boyfriend and I are in France. We've just gotten into a bit of a "fender bender" with a man and his son on a major highway. We're all standing between the cars, off to the side, assessing the damage. It's minimal. Still, chaos ensues.

They are Portuguese. We are American. Neither "side" speaks the other's language. I learn, however, that they speak Spanish. I speak enough to get by, but nothing in my study or experience ever touched on auto collisions.

"Esta Susana en casa?" I want to ask. "Donde esta el bano?"

Somehow it all works out anyway.
08/18 Direct Link
Here, my friends, is where my submissions take a curious turn. Where I sort of "cheat" because there's no way I'll get all my entries entered into the system before deadline. I hang my head and apologize profusely for only giving you 17 real entries for the month and apologize for days 19 through 31 mere moments in advance of your scrolling through them as you realize that all I've done is type nonsense in an attempt to fill the space so that the other "real" entries may live.

When you think about it, it's a brave and noble gesture!
08/19 Direct Link
I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck.
08/20 Direct Link
I should be ashamed of myself. I should be ashamed of myself. I should be ashamed of myself. I should be ashamed of myself. I should be ashamed of myself. I should be ashamed of myself. I should be ashamed of myself. I should be ashamed of myself. I should be ashamed of myself. I should be ashamed of myself. I should be ashamed of myself. I should be ashamed of myself. I should be ashamed of myself. I should be ashamed of myself. I should be ashamed of myself. I should be ashamed of myself. And I am! Really.
08/21 Direct Link
I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache. I have a stomach ache.
08/22 Direct Link
This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. This is deplorable. Truly.
08/23 Direct Link
This really blows. You know I ordinarily wouldn't do this. I'm a woman of my word. Of my 100 Words. I'm good for my words. And, as you may have noticed, the entries I did for the first 17 days of this month were quite good! I have been doing this every month, without fail, since December 2002, and I am not about to allow one month of fuckedupedness ruin my "streak". So if I have to "fudge" a little this month, so be it! I have earned my right to be a sneaky little fucker! I have! I have!
08/24 Direct Link
Elena, querida, you will forgive me for the hideous shortcut I've taken this month to make up for my failings! You will find it in your heart -- tu corazon! -- to forgive me and still adore me and think I am not only the bee's knees but the cat's meow and its pajamas as well. At least I hope so. I pray so. You will realize that sometimes "life gets in the way" and that I had other things to do than my 100 Words entries. Forgive me, my lady of Spain! You know I'm good for next month!
08/25 Direct Link
The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming. The guilt is overwhelming.
08/26 Direct Link
I will not chew gum in class. I will not chew gum in class. I will not chew gum in class. I will not chew gum in class. I will not chew gum in class. I will not chew gum in class. I will not chew gum in class. I will not chew gum in class. I will not chew gum in class. I will not chew gum in class. I will not chew gum in class. I will not chew gum in class. I will not chew gum in class. I will not chew gum in class. Gum's gross!
08/27 Direct Link
Please read Jodiverse.com to see that I'm not usually this retarded. Please read Jodiverse.com to see that I'm not usually this retarded. Please read Jodiverse.com to see that I'm not usually this retarded. Please read Jodiverse.com to see that I'm not usually this retarded. Please read Jodiverse.com to see that I'm not usually this retarded. Please read Jodiverse.com to see that I'm not usually this retarded. Please read Jodiverse.com to see that I'm not usually this retarded. Please read Jodiverse.com to see that I'm not usually this retarded. Please read Jodiverse.com to see that I'm not usually this retarded. Please!
08/28 Direct Link
I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep. I must go to sleep.
08/29 Direct Link
And I think my patients are crazy? What the fuck would they do if they saw this mania, this obsession, this ridiculousness that is causing me such grief that I feel like tearing my hair out and pounding my fists into my already achy stomach? I apologize profusely to you -- both my dear devoted fans and any first time readers. I apologize, because you know I am better than this. You know I am ordinarily so good with my 100 Words and never disappoint. Oh, the terror! Oh, the guilt! It's tearing me apart! Ay ay ay ay ay!
08/30 Direct Link
Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Grapes are tasty! Yum!
08/31 Direct Link
Next month, no bullshit. Next month, no crap. Next month, no putting off tomorrow what I could have done today but was too much of a slack-off to do because I was too busy doing something stupid. You'll see! But, really, if this is your first time reading my 100 Words, I beseech you to go back to my other entries, which I've done every month since December 2002, without fail, and read what I've written before. I assure you you won't be disappointed. Not like the second part of this month, which is a truly hideous display! Good day!