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BY Jodi

05/01 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Gym Sighting):

First of all, sir, you are a middle-aged man and should not be doing standing side leg-kicks that are only suitable for public performance by lithe lovelies in pale pink ballet getups, to the easy lilting beat of classical piano music.

However, should you persist and insist on hoisting your hairy leg to a certain angle, please take special care to secure your errant scrotum in non-flappy-legged shorts that provide a less public view of your pubic region. (White briefs don't hide much.)

Or just do your ball-baring leg-kicks at home.
05/02 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Home Version):

If only I hadn't been compelled to investigate the small, slightly raised pinkish spot just under my left eye socket and allowed the investigation to include a vigorous prodding and poking, I would not have had to see that all of this activity resulted in the once innocuous blemish turning into a hideous aggravation.

I did not need to see, in my bathroom mirror, the fruits of my misguided labor. I did not need to see evidence of my impatience. Alas, my vanity prompted me to seek a solution. In vain.
05/03 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Television Version):

When the commercials for "The Swan" first appeared on TV, my mother called and said she knew I would be watching it. "It's the perfect show for you," she said, because it combined makeovers and a pageant. How could I resist?

Well, I could. And I did. I was committed to not committing myself to watching this drivel. I resisted. Firmly. Until tonight.

What I saw was shocking. Amazing, how the team of surgeons, stylists, dentists, and therapists transforms perfectly ordinarily unattractive women into shiny, overly made-up Stepford Wife/drag queen hybrids!
05/04 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Book Version):

I took pains to handle the new hardback with the care and respect it deserved. Not that a paperback doesn't deserve the same treatment, but for some reason I considered this hardback "royalty", a rarity among the "common" paperbacks I ordinarily buy.

When I saw its pages's edges were sullied, where my fingers touched them to turn them, I panicked. How could I have let this happen? What was this? Oil from my lunchtime tempeh?

Now I know how men feel when they find out their new brides are not virgins!
05/05 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Email Version):

Ahhh, little girl, the vicious words of your email, meant to tear me to the core, have not had the desired effect. If your intent was to make me feel like trash, please know that you've failed miserably.

Your so-called fiancé, you deluded harridan, is lying to you. I didn't come on to him and get him to try to sleep with me. He came on to me. I refused, and then decided, Eh, what the fuck.

See you and your soggy-dicked, white-socks-wearing, whiskey-breathed sociopath husband at your October wedding, cunt!
05/06 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Subway Version):

You sat across from me, oversized supersized plus-sized superwoman, and took up at least two seats. You were so huge that I almost needed three eyes just to take you all in.

Your size alone was remarkable, but it wasn't what I didn't need to see. I've seen others, larger, so you are no big deal. What I didn't need to see today was not how big you are but your bare thighs, unable to keep themselves together under your too-short denim skirt. I didn't have to almost see your panties.
05/07 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Internet Version):

It's cliche for a girl to dig footwear, I know. But fuck it.

I torture myself by click-flipping through pages of shoes. Sandals, mostly. Strappy. Sassy. Slutty. I want to pop them on my feet like Spree into my mouth. Shoes to wear with my existing wardrobe. With clothes I don't have. Yet.

I plan to take the show on the road and pop uptown to check out the big boys. I've never touched a Choo or fondled a Blahnik. I want to see if I'll pass out on the spot.
05/08 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Shopping Version):

I'm in a Philadelphia suburb with my mom, in the dressing room of the TJMaxx she seems to live in and where she does the bulk of her shopping. She's in the dressing room across the aisle from me, trying on a shirt. I've got three shirts with me, none of which I love, but all of which are the least offensive available in the store.

The shirts don't fit. My face eases into relief. I don't want to buy a cheap shirt. My face is that of a fucking snob!
05/09 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Hair Version):

Tomorrow at 1:30 I get my hair cut for the first time since 30 January ... 101 days since the last time.

Of course this means that the day I made the appointment (yesterday), all of a sudden my hair decided to start looking cute again. Like it knows and is showing off.

"You don't really need to cut me," it said.

But I know that if I cancelled the appointment, tomorrow it'd look like shit and laugh at my gullibility. And Sacha would be booked. And I will have been tricked.
05/10 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Shopping Version):

Colorful, whimsical, light ‘n' breezy summer shirts, lined up on the racks at Club Monaco, tempt me with the fantasy of me strolling somewhere with my arm hooked in someone else's, the cuffs of my airy cotton sleeves turned up twice or however many times it takes to get them to look like an afterthought that I put no thought into. I have no one's arm to hook mine through, though. And not enough money in my wallet or room on my credit card to buy one of these shirts anyway.
05/11 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Dating Version):

It's 11:45, and we're 4-1/2 hours into our first date. Of course time flies when you're having fun, so time is speeding by. I want to cheat that wisdom by pretending I'm having a rotten time and don't already adore the beautiful boy sitting across from me in the breezy café raving about his lobster ravioli and gazing at me as if I'm the only thing in the room.

I don't want to see the hands on my watch mocking me, skipping ahead so blithely, bringing the night to an end.
05/12 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Home Version)

Sloth. Much too easy to succumb to. Seductive in the way it barely needs to crook its finger and I'm lying down with it. How easy, when you have no schedule or anything pressing that needs to be accomplished, to allow yourself to loll around with all the energy of a coma victim. I'm surprised I didn't see moss growing on my body when I looked in the bathroom mirror while brushing my teeth (the most activity I got all day). Frightening, how easy it is to sink into hermit mode.
05/13 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Gym Version):

You in a tank top. You in a tank top in a place where they're considered acceptable. You in a tank top on a day hot enough for it to be appropriate. But the problem, you see, is that I hate tank tops on men. I don't care where or when or why. They're loathesome.

I did not need to see you in yours today. But I'm glad I did. Because seeing you in one made me not want you. (Not that that was the only reason, but still, it helped.)
05/14 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Email Version):

You're supposed to write to me to tell me you had a fantastic time the other night, which I thought was apparent from the conversation that eased its way from our lips all night and the perfect kisses that pleased our lips when the night was just about over.

You're supposed to call to ask for a replay, so you can grab my hips the way I felt you wanted to and so I can let you because I wanted you to.

So why is my in-box devoid of you? Fucker.
05/15 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Skylight Version):

It stormed. Big. Loud. Thunder and lightning. I wanted to determine how far away the lightning was by counting the time between its flash and the roar of the thunder. Of course, as always, I forgot to count until several beats had already passed, and thus my calculations were off.

A storm like this is best enjoyed in bed with someone who appreciates its passion and excitement ... whose mere touch can recreate it on your skin.

Why couldn't I see the storm with someone who would remind me to start counting?
05/16 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Shoe Store Version):

If I had feet like yours, lady, I'd hide them from public view, sequestering them in shoes where there's absolutely no possibility of them escaping and traumatizing anyone misfortunate enough to look down and get an eyeful of your footful.

What was up with your little toes and the "ring" toes? Why were they situated so far up your feet, the way some kids's bicuspids are trapped high up in their gums? Why are they so gnarled and rudimentary? And why were you buying new shoes – sandals! – to showcase them?
05/17 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Home Version):

The plush brown fabric of the sofa cushion has spent most of the sunny day pressed up against the left cheek of my flushed face. Thankfully it's squishy and comfortable and doesn't leave an imprint on my skin. That is the only good fortune of this miserable day.

I am curled in a tortured ball, my fists buried into my lower abdomen in an attempt to knead the pain from where it's been lodged all day.

The sofa is lovely, but really, I didn't need to see it this close-up. Again.
05/18 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Gym Version):

You come to the gym knowing that the chances of your sweating are pretty great. You come to the gym knowing that that sweat is going to collect in places you don't necessarily want to draw attention to in a place that is not your home. So why oh why, madam, have you chosen to wear light-colored spandex shorts to the gym, and then to stretch in such a way that all the gym world can see the entire universe of your crotch and ass dripping sweat between your parted legs?
05/19 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Subway Version):

By now, sir, you should be familiar enough with the contents of your nasal passages that when you dig for the product with your well-seasoned finger, you should not find it necessary to inspect it once it's been extracted. What do you expect to find there, anyway? Are you searching for Spanish dubloons? Noah's Ark? The elusive Amelia Earhart? Your car keys?

What is the purpose of your research? Do you catalogue the details of your discoveries? Keep a list or log of what you unearth? What's your snout about, sir?
05/20 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Street Version):

One of the most woeful trends of the current summer season is the short, flouncy, flippy skirt. The trend, if it insists on existing, should come with conditions. The conditions should dictate that only those who are still in their teens or who have not yet reached teenhood, and whose body fat is in the teens or below, can dare indulge in the trend.

You, Miss, with your white, jiggly, bulbous mega-gut and lumpy mashed potato and gravy thighs, should not be so indulging. In either the trend or the potatoes.
05/21 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Shoe Version):

You, dearest New Shoes, were supposed to be the comfortable ones. You were supposed to be the shoes I could walk around in without fear of footache. You were supposed to be the shoes who would not cause a blight of blisters. The shoes who ran to my rescue when all others failed me.

Alas, you are just like all the others. Within an hour, my feet were fatigued and I saw blisters unable to keep from bursting. You let me down, New Shoes. I should have taken you off. Shoo!
05/22 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Dressing Room Version):

You told me the bikini waxing you'd gotten that morning left your crotch raw and red like fresh meat. You told me it was hilarious to behold. You told me you wanted to show me. So there, in the dressing room of Ann Taylor, you did.

Good god, girl. I could barely notice the rawness or redness. Maybe it was there, but I was too distracted by the sight of your labia minora (gah! those words!), which was stretched-looking and which hung down so low, like deflated scrotum.

I'm traumatized!
05/23 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Station Version):

The train is 20 minutes late, which is bad enough. When it finally arrives and I get down to the crowded platform, it is standing room only, even before the current crop of passengers boards, and the air conditioning is not working. This will not do. Especially when I'm working on maybe two hours of sleep and it's 90 degrees outside.

I am foced to wait another two and a half hours for a train. Two and a half hours that I cannot fill with the sleep I so desperately need.
05/24 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Credit Card Version):

I have less than $20 "free" on my credit card. Not enough to send a certain special someone a lovely arrangement of flowers that he so richly deserves. Not enough to send him a shirt to replace the one he ruined by hastily ironing it so he could rush out the door to meet me this weekend. Not enough to do anything for him that I would like to do. Unless ... do you think ... a one-way bus ticket to Philadelphia to give him what I really want to give him?
05/25 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Hotel Room Version):

You sit on the edge of the rumpled, twisty-sheeted king-size bed, your right arm extended very long above your head, your left arm bent across your body, the hand at the end of that left arm holding a stick of deodorant and rubbing it into the deep, hairy pocket of your right underarm. I wonder where the big banana is and the tree for you to climb into to devour it for breakfast.

Odd, how until last night I'd only seen your body completely clothed, and now I'm seeing ... this.
05/26 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Dog Version):

As always, the note from my dogwalker lists the activities he and my dog participated in during their time together this afternoon . My dog, I read, peed three times. "A lot". He "pooped huge". And of course he "acted out". All this during a 20-minute walk on an ordinary May day. I'm so proud.

My smile turns to tears when I continue and read that a mutual acquaintance had to "put down" his dog today. "It's so sad," the walker writes.

I'm beyond sad. This May day isn't ordinary anymore.
05/27 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Bathroom Version):

What are you doing in my bathroom? You are only to shower there. And do everything else in yours.

I don't like seeing you looking into the mirror. I don't like seeing your face reflected where only mine should be. But what I don't like even more is that you're not examining your face, but your white-underweared ass. You're sorta jumping up so you can see ... something.

"What the hell are you doing?" I ask.

"I have something ..." you say.

I don't want to see any more. Or hear any more.
05/28 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Animal Version):

If only I hadn't crossed the street when I did and walked along that stretch of sidewalk, and hadn't looked down at the pavement when I did, I wouldn't have seen the tiny yolky bird lying semi-squashed not two feet from my two feet. I wouldn't have seen it and wondered if it was dead or had never even had a chance to be born. I wouldn't have cried for a bird who never had a chance to fly. My day wouldn't have been ruined. But still, the bird's already was.
05/29 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Television Version):

I wasted about four hours watching an absolutely wretched "countdown" show on the E! Channel called something like "101 Celebrity Oops". Dig this: apparently even the most minor, inconsequential, and uninteresting of celebrity flubs is noteworthy enough to be regaled with royal fuckup status sure to entertain the glassy-eyed, gawking general public.

Perhaps the biggest, most socially relevant celebrity Oops is the one commited by me (the biggest celebrity of all): wasting even one minute of time watching this hideous drivel instead of doing something more interesting, like counting my pores.
05/30 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Plant Version):

A couple of months ago, the huge jade plant I'd had for longer than a decade finally collapsed completely. Over the years it had become top heavy, and started leaning down over the edges of its too-small pot rather than standing up straight. It looked osteoporotic.

From time to time I would collect its fallen branches and put them in glasses of water. I would replant them, I said. I never did.

Today I see only two leaves left on the last water-submerged branch.

Tomorrow I pot them, no matter what.
05/31 Direct Link
What I Didn't Need to See Today (Ass Version):

We must devise a system whereby some sort of alarm goes off or a flashing red light turns on when I approach your bedroom and you are in there sans pants and underwear and thus there exists even the slightest possibility that I will inadvertently catch a glimpse or full-on eyeful of your ultra-white ass as it does whatever a bare ass does in a room when it is sans pants and underwear.

Really, if I pass by your room one more time and see this spectacle, surely I'll pass out.