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BY Jargon

03/01 Direct Link
Harvest moon hangs low along the horizon. The city lights are beautiful at a distance. It stays light out longer already. The sky is a dark navy blue with a tinge of aqua left over from a now distant sunset. The air is very chill, and plumes of smoke seem to stand immobile above the cityscape. It brings to mind the opening scene from Mary Poppins. It’s a beautiful night. I feel like I’m wasting a wonderful gift by not doing more with it. David Usher is in town tonight for a concert. As usual no one wanted to go.
03/02 Direct Link
I talked to my mom tonight. I think my parents are getting lonely. The once full house is getting emptier all the time. I told her it's time for them to retire entirely. She doesn't know what she would do with herself. She said she still has to get me through university before she can call it a day. I hope she doesn't wait too long. My parents are getting old. It's time for them to enjoy life a bit before they kick off. They have had a lifetime of hard work, and never had much time to indulge themselves.
03/03 Direct Link
I want to sit among endless blades of grass. I want to see the infancy of infinity. I want to walk among that which is now ancient. I want to be the sole vestige of humanity for eons to come. I want to feel the earth when it was young. I want to breathe air still unsullied by the march of progress. I want to hear the silence of a barren plane. I want to see a time from before the genesis of man. For if I saw such things, I could know for certain how much we have lost.
03/04 Direct Link
It's frightening to know that people I know can read these words. It's disturbing to know they can get inside my head and know more about me than anyone else. It's especially weird when they point things out to you and ask what you meant. I meant what I said, or else I wouldn't have said it. It's like someone reading your diary in front of you, while you're tied down to the bed with no way to stop it. Sometimes people shouldn't know everything about someone else. If everyone knew what everyone else thought, we'd all hate each other.
03/05 Direct Link
There’s this thing called Jazz.

I asked her what kind of music she liked. This was her reply: “This might sound strange, but I really like jazz music.” Her words were music to my ears. Everyday love is dragging me farther down this path, and I like it. I can only hope that she is experiencing something similar towards me in our daily interactions with each other.

Looking across the table at her was intoxicating. The way she smells. The way she plays with her hair. The way she talks. The way she smiles. I’m getting drunk off of her.

03/06 Direct Link
My feelings for Jocelyn are unlike those I have had for other girls in recent times. They go beyond mere physical attraction and enter the realm of genuine affection. In the relatively short time I’ve known her, I’ve begun to care about her. At first, I didn’t think that her having a boyfriend would bother me, and for the most part it hasn’t, but occasionally, it troubles me. There’s a certain twinge that occurs, when I remember that her love is for another. Am I just dooming myself to rejection and hurt by even entertaining the idea of pursuing her?
03/07 Direct Link
It’s trying to snow today. It’s a sickly thin snow that conjures up thoughts of a nuclear winter spawned in a dead land. The sky is pale and bleak. I can’t help but notice how the climate has changed over the past few years. I can clearly remember when I was a young child, maybe 7 or 8 years old, and going outside to play in the enormous snow banks. How different from now, when I can still see the grass under an ill-looking dust of dirty grey. The world is sick. We’ve poisoned and abused it; now it’s dying.
03/08 Direct Link
Does love actually exist anymore? I can’t really tell now days. I don’t have any examples of a loving relationship in my life anymore. Of my friends with boyfriends or girlfriends, none of them really seem to be in love. They are more relationships of circumstance or convenience. My own family isn’t really a great place to look to for examples either. What does that leave me with? TV? Modern pop culture? Yeah right. The concept of love seems distant to me now; A shadow of a memory. I guess I’ll have to discover love for myself all over again.
03/09 Direct Link
Concepts of reality. Something I’ve been pre-occupied with for a while now. Stuff I lay awake at night thinking about. What defines reality? Is our reality nothing but a collection of our memories? Is there a God? Am I just dreaming this reality? What is the nature of my existence? Am I nothing but a freak biological coincidence? The systems of life on our planet are so intricate and intertwined, how can it possibly be a mere coincidence? How can it be anything else? What is the nature of space and time? This is the crap that keeps me awake.
03/10 Direct Link
I am wary of nano-technology, and rightfully so. This technology could lead to a mastery and control over matter itself. What if we had control over sub-atomic particles. We could then create our very own atoms, with a design and purpose to suit our desires. We would have control over the very fabric of our reality. It starts to get scary at this point. Maybe I’ve just been watching too many sci-fi movies: The Cell, Dark City, Akira, Metropolis, etc. I’m starting to visualize where, we as humans, are heading in the not-so-distant future. I don’t like what I’m envisioning.
03/11 Direct Link
I’m drained. I’ve got nothing but little fragments of meaning left inside of me. I can’t seem to form a complete and fully developed thought. I’m stressed out and some how depressed. I’m tired, and I think I’m getting sick. I lay down on my bed today for a quick 20-minute nap, which turned into a 2-hour coma. I’ve heard that if you can nap for more than 30 minutes, you aren’t getting enough sleep at night. I can feel the sickness grow inside me. I want to let it win, but I must fight it. I’m not through yet.
03/12 Direct Link
Today was interesting. No, wait. My English teacher would slap me for using the word interesting to describe something. Let’s try again. Be more descriptive and accurate this time. Here goes. Today was horrid. That 2-hour coma I had yesterday delayed my regular sleep by 2 hours. It didn’t delay my regular alarm clock setting though.

Recap: Math midterm: not so hot. Sickness: my forehead feels hot. Jocelyn: just plain hot. Speaking of Jocelyn, I must stop lusting after her. It’s just getting agonizing to hear about her boyfriend. Unless he dies, or moves, or dies, I have no chance.

03/13 Direct Link
There was a jazz concert tonight that I was really looking forward to going to. Unfortunately, due to circumstances outside of my realm of human control, I was unable to attended. Once again, everyone backed out at the last moment. I mentioned it to Jocelyn the other day. She said she might check it out. I mentioned it, when what I really wanted to do was ask her to go with me. It’s funny how the mind wills one thing, but the will accomplishes another. One of these days I’ll actually end up at a show, one of these days.
03/14 Direct Link
I found out a bit about Jocelyn’s boyfriend today. He’s much older than she is. They have been together for nearly 4 years. She said that sometimes it feels like 30. I may be reading too much into her words and her tone and her expressions, but it seemed like she wanted out. I can’t tell. It was the same way with Sarah. She had a boyfriend when we first met. She wanted out then and I couldn’t really tell. And now the same thing is happening here. Maybe. I can’t tell. Maybe she wants someone closer to her age.
03/15 Direct Link
The Sneaker Pimps, INXS, The Tragically Hip, My Bloody Valentine, Orbital, Sonic Youth, Portishead, The Pixies, I Mother Earth, The Gandharvas, Kula Shaker, The Cars, The Orb, The Watchmen, Echobelly, Mouse On Mars, Elastica, Pluto, Smashing Pumpkins, The Breeders, The Chemical Brothers, Fatboy Slim, Sheryl Crow, Tricky, Garbage, Scratching Post, Kid Koala, Suzanne Vega, Weezer, Limblifter, Hawksley Workman, Big Sugar, Beck, That Dog, The Age Of Electric, Dance Hall Crashers, Massive Attack, Beth Orton, Jale, The Crystal Method, Chicane, Thievery Corporation, Morcheeba, Jamiroquai, The Fine Print, The Darkest Of The Hillside Thickets, Amon Tobin, Radiohead, Transistor Sound & Lighting Co.
03/16 Direct Link
Well I failed my math midterm. And how failed. It wasn’t pretty. I went and talked to my prof, he said that if I passed the final, he’d pass me in the class. Friday was the last day to drop classes without academic penalty. I didn’t drop it. I decided to get my ass in gear for the final and hopefully pass it. I may really suck at math, but I can get better. I just need to learn it. That means getting a tutor. As much as I hate math, I really do like computer science. Hard work ahead.
03/17 Direct Link
Well I managed to spend all weekend inside my apartment. I did nothing but code all weekend. I’m finally finished this god-forsaken assignment, and it feels good to be done. I haven’t seen daylight or felt fresh air for over 48 hours. I feel like a hermit. Eyestrain set in at about 3pm Saturday, and hasn’t gone since. My diet of jolt cola and pop rocks can’t be healthy. Though it might explain the nervous twitch I’ve developed. Is this the life of a coder? Do I want this life? Is this even classified as a life? Things to ponder.
03/18 Direct Link
I have a reoccurring dream where I’m walking through my hometown, except it doesn’t look at all like my hometown. But I know it’s my hometown. I walk through a strange garden with creatures in it, and out onto a beach. The lake is small, and roundish. Around the lake are many tall old looking houses. In the distance there are dark purplish morphing clouds. I remark audibly how beautiful it is. At this point I realize I’m dreaming. Next I’m inside one of the buildings. It’s a greenhouse, or nursery. There is a balcony, but I’m not allowed there.
03/19 Direct Link
You can’t change the past, but you can change the future. Or at least you can think you can change the future. If it was predetermined, your ‘choice’ isn’t really choice even if that’s what you perceive it to be. Anyway, since you can’t change the past, there’s no reason to regret things. And I do regret things. I’m shy. I regret not saying things that I want to say. I don’t like regrets, so no more shyness. Today was my first conscious attempt to not be shy. It turned out nicely. There is nothing to fear but fear itself.
03/20 Direct Link
I want a tattoo. I think. I don't know for certain. at this point in my life I do, but will I want it a few years from now? maybe. I should get something timeless. Something that I'd still find cool even years from now. and I'd have to get it somewhere inconspicuous so I could cover it up easily if I had to. and nothing too large either. What to get? I've been doodling a bit. I have notions of ideas. I think I want to get it fairly soon so that it'll be healed up for summer time.
03/21 Direct Link
All I really want is a quite natural space to occupy, a good book in front of me, and a sun beam to light my way. I want some place to curl up with a good book and just relax. Separate from everyone else. Or at least as separate as possible. I used to be able to do that in my living room, but now I don't live there. And I haven't got a place like that here. The closest thing I've found so far is in one of the libraries at the university. It's quite and has good sunlight.
03/22 Direct Link
The story of Frankenstein was awesome. It's one of the best books I've ever read. It wasn't perfect, but it was pretty damn good if you ask me. I have an English essay to write on Frankenstein for the end of the month. For once the topic questions don't bore me to death. It should be a pretty good essay. I've got a lot of ideas bouncing around in my head already. I'm going to contrast it with Joseph Campbell's concept of the mono-myth. It's really interesting stuff. To me anyway. I'm big on mythology and ancient stories and such.
03/23 Direct Link
I can't seem to remember anyone's name even five seconds after they tell me what it is. It's starting to become a problem. This time it wasn't all my fault though. I think it was the ocean of blue that she tries to pass off as her eyes. Maybe that's what put me into a daze. That wonderful royal blue. Mesmerizing. Fantastic. Wait, I remember now. her name is Chelsea. I think... At any rate, she seemed... hectic... yet intelligent. Planned chaos. Or at least chaos in control. If that even makes sense. Well, no. It doesn't, but that's ok.
03/24 Direct Link
She was in a rush. Perhaps when people are in a rush they are more apt to just go by their true inherent nature when making simple decisions. Pure intuition and instinct. No time to put up false pretenses for the sake of others. Or to uphold a perceived image. You get to see a person's true form, unhindered by self-conscious worries. Their minds are too occupied with the tasks at hand to be pre-occupied with self-image. Though she was in a rush, she didn't allow it to dominate the conversation. She didn't rush it: she let it play out.
03/25 Direct Link
Sunlight floods in through the tall slender window beside me, warming my pale cool skin. I wish it was a summer day, and that I were laying outside in the shade of an immense oak tree, letting the gentle summer breeze play across my face. The sweet smell of freshly cut grass swirling around me. The world outside the window is bright enough to be summer, but the air is still chill and lifeless. My memories of last summer in the city still appear bright and vivid in my mind's eye. I've fallen in love with the city since then.
03/26 Direct Link
I long to once more lay in the sea of cool green and to bake in the sun's warmth with not a care in the world. While it is true that I am, at times, lonely, I am not altogether unhappy. I have found a part of myself again that I feared I had lost forever, and this consoles me. Yet I still long for the companionship and love of another. I feel that having someone to care about would help to alleviate the remainder of my melancholy. The source of my current chagrin is now a mystery to me.
03/27 Direct Link
What once hunted me has now passed. What She used to be is merely a memory in my mind. What She is now is merely a stranger on the street. I am beyond her in many ways. I just got used to being unhappy; it became habit. At a time when most my age are exploring their relationships with others, I have withdrawn almost entirely within myself. I explore loneliness. I am a prisoner of my own mind; Held captive by an unknown fear. I want once more to experience the freedom, that love can provide to a trapped mind.
03/28 Direct Link
I'm in the library once again. I love it here. It spawns such thoughts in me. I wrote non-stop for 2 hours yesterday. My entire essay seemed to form in front of my eyes with no intervention from me what so ever. My mind flows with the wondrous rapidity of the cosmos when I'm in this room. My own personal reality exceeds the bounds of space and time. One moment I'm sitting here, the next I'm standing amidst a primordial forest: ancient before man was yet young. It is a strange building: Unique, and singularly beautiful. I love it here.
03/29 Direct Link
An avant-garde fa├žade has been superimposed upon an incredibly old architecture. This library may be the most wonderful room I've ever been in. It might not look very spectacular, but it has this unnamable intangible quality about it that just makes it feel ... right to me. It is a single, long, narrow, high-ceilinged room. Not many books or shelves. Being on the second floor gives a nice view from its many floor-to-ceiling windows. Natural sunlight floods in at all times of the day; changing sides from morning to afternoon. The light is soft and even and natural and warming.
03/30 Direct Link
Home for the first time in 3 months. My brother and his wife are down too. The family is once again complete. His wife, my sister-in-law, has Multiple Sclerosis. This beautiful woman, beautiful both in frame and in spirit, is dying. She was an important part of my childhood. So gentle, and inviting. Her forgiving eyes and smile. Her soothing voice: such a lulling tone. And now, this woman is withering away. Her disposition remains sterling. It hurts me to think of the pain she feels. She knew me as a child, and she will know me as an adult.
03/31 Direct Link
Laura's illness is really affecting me. I remember her being so young and vibrant. I've never really experienced the death of a loved one. At least not at a time when I knew what to make of it. When my first grandfather died, I was too young to know. When my grandmother died, I was too young to understand. When my second grandfather died, I was too immature to care. Other relatives never had relevance to me, because I never really knew them. But now, seeing Laura so frail and thin, I feel as though I would miss her immensely.