BY Jargon

01/01 Direct Link
I’m surprised I wasn’t hung over today. I was a bit dizzy when I first woke up, and my stomach is a tad uneasy, but other than that, I’m dandy. I didn’t do much today. I tried to get through some reading for philosophy, but I couldn’t muster it. Thursday is going to suck. No more getting up at 10:30, having one class, and going home. Now I’ll have math bright and early at 8:30, and then philosophy at 11:30. I get an hour and a half in between to sleep. It’s going to be rough getting up that early.
01/02 Direct Link
‘When I realize that she is gone, perhaps gone forever, a great void opens up and I feel that I am falling, falling, falling into deep, black space. And this is worse than tears, deeper than regret, or pain, or sorrow; it is the abyss into which Satan was plunged. There is no climbing back, no ray of light, no sound of human voice, or human touch of hand.’
-Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer, page 170.

I found a piece of paper with this quotation scrawled on it while cleaning up today. It describes perfectly my own feelings for Her.

01/03 Direct Link
It’s good to be back! Sure I only got nearly 3 hours of sleep, sure there was no hot water even at 7:30AM, and sure it was still dark out when I got to school, but dammit, I missed it! I didn’t even feel overly tired. All in all it was a very good day. Allyson (one of the girls from my econ class) sat beside me in math, and then Jocelyn came and sat beside me in philosophy. My math prof is awesome. He outclassed FuzzBone (my last prof) in the first 10 minutes. I can’t wait for tomorrow.
01/04 Direct Link
Laura sat beside me in econ class today. Huzzah! She’s cute. I like her. She’ll make econ class bearable.

Had supper with everyone at Colin’s apartment. It was fun. Then we drank. Not much though. I found out from Tristan that Jocelyn has a boyfriend, or at least she thinks that she does, she wasn’t positive. I hope she doesn’t. I’d really like a sincere shot at her.

It’s definitely good to be back at school: So very many beautiful girls! Today I learnt that the guy/girl ratio is three girls for every guy. The Beach Boys would be proud.

01/05 Direct Link
Mystery Sauce. Frankly, it’s not a very attractive sounding nickname for a girl, but it fit. She’s a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a soft pita shell, all smothered in mystery sauce. Her real name is Chelsea. She’s the goth/punk/misspent youth type. She’s an artist, and a model. Beautiful girl. She intrigues me. I never thought she’d go for a guy like me, but circumstances provided themselves, and we ended up together this summer. Then I moved, and we were no more. We’re still friends though. I wasn’t quite over Sarah anyway. I’m only just now feeling ready.
01/06 Direct Link
Today Chelsea and a friend of hers hitchhiked into town. She’s fearless. And lookin’ good. Purple, red, green and black hair. Knee-high leather boots. Chains and the like hanging on her pants. Rancid T-shirt. The perfect punk. She doesn’t think she’ll graduate this year. Too much partying, and not enough studying. School doesn’t suit her anyway. She’ll probably end up as a fashion designer. She already designs her own. She’s a bit out of place in this province though. Watch the movie SLC Punk, and you’ll get an understanding of what I mean. It was cool to see her again.
01/07 Direct Link
It was one of those perfect summer nights. We lie in her car, seats reclined, looking at each other and at the stars just beginning to appear. Head on her elbow, eyes gazing down at me, when she spoke: “What’s your favorite thing?” I turned my gaze from The Stars to her and smiled. “…You.” I replied. Perfect silence. Another word from either of us would have meant the end of the Universe. With electricity in the air and on our skin, I reached up and touched her cheek. I brought her close and kissed her. For the first time.
01/08 Direct Link
I’m a window gazer. I like to look out the window whenever I’m riding in a vehicle. I find it soothing. I like looking across the bridge at night as we drive across it. The buildings are so surreal at night. Distant, under-lit bridges reflecting in the water…

I think maybe that’s why I want to take a train ride through the mountains so badly. To be able to just sit there for hours gazing out at the ever changing landscape. Lost in a world inside my head. The constant gentle rhythm of the rails lulling me softly to sleep.

01/09 Direct Link
My Childhood: Pea porridge hot, pea porridge cold, pea porridge in a pot, nine days old. Some like it hot, some like it cold, some like it in a pot, nine days old. Patty cake patty cake, baker man, bake me a cake, as fast as you can. Pat it, and roll it, and mark it with a B, and put it in the oven for baby and me. Rock-a-by baby, in the tree top, when the wind blows, the cradle will rock, and when the bough breaks, the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, cradle and all.
01/10 Direct Link
Round and round the garden, went the little bear. One-step, two-step, tickle under there.

Kids are cute. They have infinite opportunity: A life still full of possibilities. Sadly, from the time they are born, possibilities start to pass them by. The world's going to shit. That much is certain. I think it’s time we tore down civilization and let the ants have a go. It seems to me that the time for optimism has passed. We’ve failed. There’s nothing our precious technology can do for us now. I give the human race another 100 years. Tops.

Pessimistic? Definitely.

Accurate? Probably.

01/11 Direct Link
I don’t know if I like what I’ve become. I never used to drink, and I certainly never used to do drugs. Oh how things change. Comparing myself now, to who I was one year ago, I see many differences. A year ago I was generally happy with life. Things were good. I had a girlfriend. School was going well. I had friends. I didn’t drink or do anything else. Now I’d say I’m not so much happy, as oblivious. My friends are all turning into what I don’t want to be. Something in my life has got to give.
01/12 Direct Link
My roommate: I’m not saying the guys a loser, he just makes Screech from ‘Saved by the Bell’ look cool. To say he’s blunt is a bloody understatement. He’s about as subtle as a car accident, but not nearly as attractive. He’s about as sensitive as a toilet seat. (Thank you Holden.) It’s not like I hate him for no reason. Oh no. I’ve known him long enough to have plenty of good reasons for hating his guts. He’s the kind of sniveling wiener you want to see die in the movies. Then again, he does pay half the rent.
01/13 Direct Link
The world is a depressing place most of the time, and the odd times when it’s starkly beautiful are getting few and far between. If I had the opportunity to give up my-so-called life and move into the forest, near a lake, I’d take it, no questions. I don’t know why I chose this path for my life. I never really stopped to think of what I REALLY wanted out of life. I sort of just went along with what seemed to be normal. Maybe I would have been happier taking a year off. Wait. I know I would have.
01/14 Direct Link

“Mind if I sit here?”
“No, go ahead.”
”How was your weekend?”
“Relaxing. Yours?”
“Relaxing up until Saturday.”
“And then it got hectic?”
“Yeah, sort of… do you mind if I take off your pants?”
“Excuse me?”
“You’ll have to forgive me, it’s becoming hard for me to make my thoughts clear to other people. I spend my time talking with people that already know what I’m going to say before I say it. I’m used to people just knowing my meaning without explaining. You’ll just have to pay attention.”
“Right… right… I’m sorry, I’ll pay closer attention…”
“K, thanks.”
01/15 Direct Link
I ran into Kim yesterday. I never thought I'd see her again. We graduated together. Her and I could talk about damn near anything. We have very similar senses of humour. I had such a huge crush on her for a while. Then at the last grad party, when I found out she was taking off to Europe for ...well... forever it seemed, I decided I had to spill the beans and tell her I had a thing for her. She was flattered. We were both plastered, so maybe it doesn't really count. I wonder if I'll see her again.
01/16 Direct Link
Yesterday was a very good day. I’m gah-gah over Jocelyn. Absolutely gah-gah. I wasn’t sure before, but after today, it would be very safe to say that I’m nuts about her. Jello Biafra (of Dead Kennedy’s fame and Green party candidate for president of your United States of America) is coming to the U of S to talk. He’s gonna be mind blowing. I’m gonna ask Jocelyn to go see him with me. Boyfriend be damned! Fate be willing, she won’t have a boyfriend. Even though everyone seems to think she does. I don’t care. I have nothing to lose.
01/17 Direct Link
Wednesdays. Hump day. The longest day of the week. Even though it’s the same workload as Monday, it somehow feels 10 pounds heavier. Now that I have math at 8:30 on Tuesday and Thursday, I can’t sleep in like I used to. Without that little bit of sleep catch-up during the week, I feel more and more tired each day, even when I get a good 7 hours of sleep. Oh God I feel worn down. Today I felt like a zombie. Jocelyn wasn’t in philosophy, so I didn’t get to ask her about Jello. CompSci tutorial went really long.
01/18 Direct Link
Akira is truly the best movie I’ve ever seen. Maybe it was just the mind-blowing amount drugs we consumed, or maybe just the mood I was in, but I was able to read so much deeper into it than I’d ever before. Yeah, probably the drugs. Who cares? I guess that’s why they call them ‘mind expanding’. Anyway, the whole Akira aura got me onto thinking about souls. Which got me to thinking about Socrates and Plato, and all that that entails. What makes a person corrupt? Is it the soul? If so, what brings about a corrupt soul then?
01/19 Direct Link
I’m home this weekend to see Karissa and stuff, ‘cause I dunno, just ‘cause, and I’m home on Saturday and she calls from work and says she’s going to Edam, but that I shouldn’t come ‘cause it’s like a girls night out and shit and Edam guys wouldn’t appreciate me being there and she can’t cancel ‘cause she’s been planning it for like 2 weeks. I guess she forgot that I told her I was gonna come down 2 weeks ago. Whatever. So I mope, wishing I’d stayed home. My parents aren’t even here. Stuck in an alien environment. Alone.
01/20 Direct Link
Lately, when I’m talking to my mother, a certain hostility seems to arise. It’s not intentional, and I hate myself for it. I think it stems from my inability to communicate my feelings. She has no idea how I feel now that I’ve moved out. We’re completely separated. I just want her to ask me how I’m doing, and for once not accept my lame reply of ‘fine’. I desperately want them to take a real interest in me. I love my dad, but I’m afraid of him. Always have been. And so I’m shy around him. I miss them.
01/21 Direct Link

Her eyes drift from the page and off into deep thought.
Falling into a self-contemplative daze.
Her mind is everywhere and anywhere but here.
What does she think about?
Her mind does wander by the way,
but which way does she wander?
If I could know her thoughts and feelings,
if I could be a fly on the wall of her consciousness,
what would I see, hear and feel?
If I could be inside her mind right now,
what knowledge would I know?

Thought broken. Train derailed.
Eyes drift back to page. Study resumed.
Well of thought tapped; now capped.

01/22 Direct Link
Life is beautiful. It’s bright outside, and the stark beauty of life has crept back into my eyes. It’s true what they say, the initial decision and plunge into action is the most difficult part of life, everything after is free-flowing destiny; one seemingly fluid motion, a blur of breathtaking speed, yet in each moment, an observed stillness. Every glance up at her was a whole new universe of beauty: full red lips, dark auburn hair, wondrous brown eyes that seem to twinkle when you gaze into them. She is unbelievable, and unmistakably wonderful. I want to know this girl.
01/23 Direct Link
Jocelyn is amazing. She’s incredibly gorgeous, and smart as she is beautiful. She’s one of those ‘HEY ME TOOOOO!!’ people. When you’re talking to her, both of you are usually saying ‘Hey me too!’ We seem to have a lot in common. I have no idea if she likes me. I’m an idiot when it comes that. We had lunch after philosophy and hung out for a bit. We seemed to get along really well. I nearly asked her to go see Jello Biafra with me, but I didn’t want to push my luck and spoil a perfectly good moment.
01/24 Direct Link
Jocelyn missed class today. If she’d been there, I would probably have tried to ask her to come see Jello Biafra with me tonight. Instead I went with Colin. Jello is… interesting to say the least. ‘I blow minds for a living’ kind of sums it all up pretty well. If you thought the world was in trouble before, go see him talk, and you might just understand how REALLY fucked up it is, and how bad it COULD get, if you don’t get off your ass and DO something about it. It’s time to say NO to corporate America.
01/25 Direct Link
That’s right Corporate America, Fuck you. Oh and don’t think I would leave out my own country. Oh no. Fuck you too Corporate Canada. And a big Fuck you to the government of Canada for laying on its back while Corporate America drop kicks you. Canada had a pretty good media black out on the conference of the America’s, so you may not know it, but there were A LOT of people in Quebec protesting the WTO et-all. If you give a fuck about the sovereignty of your nation, you might want to give that a look see. Next: WAR!
01/26 Direct Link
I’m sick of this Infinite Justice bullshit. The war on terrorism (sorry, MILITARY ACTION on terrorism, because they haven’t actually declared war on anyone, and haven’t since WWII) is a nightmare waiting to happen. Did anyone stop and question why the terrorists hate America so much? Did anyone stop and try and understand how things got so bad there? Maybe the root of the troubles should be diagnosed, and then some sort of, oh I dunno, PEACEFUL solution attempted. Nah, it’s more fun to lob cruise missiles at civilians from 2000 miles away. Who is war good for anyway? Corporations!
01/27 Direct Link
That’s right, contrary to popular belief; war is NOT good for people. Surprise! But it does go a long way to benefit corporate America. Yay! Especially arms dealers and oil companies. I think you’ll find the current American government to be replete with interests in both. What’s better for a politician than a wartime economy? NOTHING. But G Dubya probably doesn’t know that anyway, seeing as he’s just a meat-puppet for the republican party. The man is a monkey. Where are the defenders of democracy? It’s not democratic when an election can be arbitrarily awarded to a monkey. Next: Gore.
01/28 Direct Link
Gore wasn’t any better, but at least let the people CHOOSE the lesser of two evils. Sadly the democrats are seated firmly in the pocket of Corporate America. Hey, isn’t that where this rant started? Frankly we can’t win, or rather, YOU, as Americans can’t win, and ME, as a Canadian who has to live with YOUR decisions, can’t win because of it. Your nation has been completely destroyed from the inside out. I hate to say it America, but you suck. Get off your ass and fix it. I’m doing my best up here, but I’m only one man.
01/29 Direct Link
What the world needs now is diplomats, not cowboys, peacekeepers, not soldiers, medicine, not missiles. We need people who are willing to disarm the world, not DE-arm it. Lame pun, I know, but you get the idea. It’s the 21st century; it’s time to find a way to become sustainably peaceful (and peacefully sustainable.) It’s time to find a leader who isn’t afraid to say No to Corporate America: A leader with the whole world in mind, not just Texas. (George “Don’t mess with Texas” Bush). What ever happened to the Kennedy’s and Trudeau’s of the world? I want Peace.
01/30 Direct Link
Well, Jocelyn apparently has a boyfriend. If he’s not her boyfriend, then I wonder where he sleeps in their one bedroom apartment. Isn’t it always the case that the good ones are taken? I don’t know if I can wait it out: She’s said to be a ‘lifer’. I sure hope not, but it seems wholly plausible at the moment. If she seems interested in me, then it is simply due to friendship. I’m happy with that. I’d have her as a friend any day. Though it is rather torturing to be around her, continuously wanting to ravage her senseless.
01/31 Direct Link
Why am I doing so poorly in English? I had A+ grades in high school, but now I’m not even certain I’m passing. I can’t seem to write a good essay for her. Maybe it’s that I can’t seem to identify, or find interest in the topics. But then again, isn’t it the quality of a good writer to be able to find an interest in any topic at all, and to be able to write something about it that would provide interest to anyone that read it? Maybe I’m just not a good writer. Maybe high school betrayed me.