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BY Jargon

11/01 Direct Link
While writing my last entry for October I questioned whether I’d continue for November. I had felt drained after October. I was frightened to think others would be reading these words. I wanted to just completely ignore that 100 words even existed, and then stumble upon it some day later, and maybe then I’d be able to deal with it. But then something happened. I read Eve Martinez’s October batch. She impressed me. Made me think I could do it. She’s the reason I’m writing right now. She doesn’t know it though. Incase she ever reads this. Thank you Eve.
11/02 Direct Link
I went home for the weekend. The town really looked like shit. I mean, maybe it’s just because it’s fall, or something, but it looks really dingy and run down. One good thing about it being fall is that it gets dark really early, and you can’t tell that everything around you looks like ass in the light of day. My parents were really happy to see me. They miss me a lot I guess. I didn’t really realize how much I missed them until I got there. A good party tonight. Good friends. A good time had by all.
11/03 Direct Link
My god what a horrible state I’m in right now. Last night’s party was great, but tonight’s was something all together different. It was a bad trip all around. The entire evening revolved around tension and animosity. The words that came to me during the affair, as my mind tried to explain what my eyes saw, are long lost to me. I regret even waking up today. I would revoke my very existence, if I could. I have seen the hate and depression inside those around me and in myself. I hate the world more than I hate myself sometimes.
11/04 Direct Link
I stayed up too late last night. So much for a restful and relaxing weekend. I cried in the shower today. The scars from last night aching on my flesh. It has been a mix of 2 polar opposites. From happiness and joy, to pain and sorrow. I’m not sure why I was so affected. I was definitely seeing things others were not. My life and the lives of everyone there flashed in front of my eyes. A terrifying mental experience. I go to sleep now having broken every promise in my heart. I’m afraid for my friends and myself.
11/05 Direct Link
I’m in rough shape. I just broke down while on the phone with my mom. I’m failing math. I didn’t take calculus in high school. The pace of the course has overwhelmed me. I’m going to have to get a tutor. I think it’s a bit too late to pull my ass out of the fire now, but it’ll be good practice for the next time I take it, and I gotta try to at least pass. I’ve been so overwhelmed. I don’t know how to handle it. Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. I learnt that this passed weekend.
11/06 Direct Link
I’m home before my roommate today. I was finished the math test in record time. It’s amazing how fast you can write a test when you aren’t bogged down by knowledge and understanding of the subject material. I went straightaway afterwards to the math help center. I found very little help there. They told me to go to the web site to make an appointment. How convenient. It was a very quiet bus ride home. No one spoke. It set me in a rather somber mood. I write now, because the rest of my evening will consist of fervent coding.
11/07 Direct Link
I'm a procrastinator. I'm the first to admit it. I leave things to the last minute all the time, and I hate myself for doing it afterwards. It's nearly impossible for me to get really motivated to do something. For one thing, I'm always so goddamned tired. Up too late, up too early. It's a vicious cycle. Slippery slope. All that jazz. The more I have to do, the less I want to do it. Tomorrow will be fun. It will be a true test of my last minute cramming/writing ability. I've hit my wall. I just want to stop.
11/08 Direct Link
I recall the day I moved out of my parent’s house. I threw away 19 years of my life in a matter of minutes: trinkets, papers, documents, toys, love letters, gifts, pictures. All the memories that defined my life. Some are thankfully forgotten. Somewhere in the process I lost the gold chain she gave to me for Christmas. I nearly cried when I realized I had lost it. I didn’t though because I remembered what she had done with the ring I had given to her for Christmas. I did, however, cry when I realized everything else I had lost.
11/09 Direct Link
Week of pain is over. Failure in math. Poorly done essay. Frightful economics midterm. Skipping philosophy. Hardcore programming to finish a major assignment in one night. Huzzah! What a wonderful week. I’m just glad it’s over. This weekend is for relaxation and regrouping. So much for going home. Frankly I’d rather stay here for the long weekend. I need some time to be alone. It will be WONDERFUL to have the apartment ALL to myself for once. My roommate doesn’t get out much. In fact he rarely leaves unless it’s with me. Hopefully my sister won’t wake me up tomorrow.
11/10 Direct Link
It’s been a while since I’ve had a girlfriend. I’m just getting to that point where I don’t really care if I have one or not. I’m happy on my own, no absolute need for a significant other. That’s not to say I wouldn’t enjoy the company of a female. So I was kind of surprised when my friend suggested I ask this certain girl out. She’s pretty. She’s nice. Maybe I will pursue her fancy. The thing is, there are other girls too. Since I don’t absolutely need one, I’m in a position to be choosy. Things will happen.
11/11 Direct Link
My roommate came back this afternoon, much to my dismay. I was hoping he would be gone much longer. Today feels like such a complete and udder waste. I had such high hopes for it too. Often, when I’m alone, I get spontaneously motivated to complete projects and things that I need to do. I aspired to do those things today, but sadly when he returned, all my ambitions were drowned. At least it’s a long weekend. Monday now becomes Sunday, part2. Not that it really matters anymore. Now that he’s back, he’ll just keep zapping my will to live.
11/12 Direct Link
Back to philosophy class tomorrow. It’s been two weeks since I’ve gone. It’s a shame I decided to cut that class out; I really do enjoy it. The books we read are really quite interesting and enlightening. I’m glad I took it in the first place. I like reading, but I usually never got motivated enough to read anything. This summer was different though; I tried to read as much as possible. And now with classes like English and philosophy to keep me busy, I always have something read. I finished Othello tonight. It was good. Not great, but good.
11/13 Direct Link
It actually felt good to be back in philosophy class today. I missed it. The teacher may be old and senile and crazy, but she’s funny, and sometimes says something completely witty that makes me laugh. Soon, we will be getting into Greek philosophy. That should be interesting. I’ve got the Iliad and the odyssey sitting on my shelf. Those will be for the Christmas break. Starting two new books. One for English, The Cantebury Tales, and one for philosophy, Another Turn of the Crank. Plus the philosophy book I have yet to finish, In the Absence of the Sacred.
11/14 Direct Link
My English teacher asked who in the room was in love. No hands went up. She then asked if anyone had ever been in love. No hands went up. “Bullshit,” I thought, and I raised my hand. She then asked if I could define love. “I’d rather not,” I said. I couldn’t do it. At one time I thought I knew what love was, but now…

By the end of class, I came to the jaded conclusion that Love is Pain. No girl I saw today could compare to her. She still haunts my mind, my one glimpse of love.

11/15 Direct Link
Weird dreams returning again. I barely slept the other night. And last night I had very realistic dreams. I dreamt I was in my hometown, and planes were crashing into buildings. Lots of them. More of a nightmare really. I’ve never directly mentioned what happened on September 11th thus far in my writings. I never felt capable of expressing myself. I still don’t. But the dream brought forth my subconscious fears. Sometimes I’m truly scared when I hear a plane. It scares me to think that our lives could be so readily in danger at all times. War scares me.
11/16 Direct Link
Drinking games are fun. But I get way too drunk way too fast when I play them. My motto: ‘Puking is NOT an option.’ It’s a good motto. I haven’t puked yet, and I don’t ever plan to. I know my limits, and I try and stay within them. Unfortunately, the more I drink, the farther out my limits go. Last night might have been the closest I’ve ever been to breaking my motto. I blame the game of suicide quarters. Alcohol definitely has an unpleasant after-effect. In the right situation I prefer it to alternatives. It depends on setting.
11/17 Direct Link
Well this week was a bust in the female department. It was a short week; only four days, meaning I only saw some girls twice… if that. It doesn’t feel right to just ask a girl out. I’m accustomed to wooing and courting them, until the time is right. Life is quite busy nowadays, and the time needed to properly woo and court just isn’t available. I’ve never forced fate before. I’ve always just let things happen. I’m not about to change, especially if it doesn’t feel right. Good things come to those who wait. That’s a good motto too.
11/18 Direct Link
I’m far too tired right now to be creative. I stayed up much too late last night. I didn’t even want to really, but it’s funny how things happen. My coding assignment is going slowly. We’re using vectors, which are extremely difficult, because we have no experience using them. All the labs before this were easy. Now the assignments, which are worth MUCH more, aren’t using the concepts we built up in the labs. It’s completely new. It’s upsetting me. To make matters worse, my room is infested with little brown worm-like bugs. I absolutely hate bugs. How very unsettling.
11/19 Direct Link
SIGH… Girls… One in particular actually. She makes me melt. I haven’t seen her in over a month. I was beginning to think she’d dropped out or something. But I saw her today. Same old sweet sugar rush. She’s so cute. KAWAI! I wish I new her name. But alas, all I can do is pine away from afar. And then there’s this other girl. The one my friend had suggested I ask out. I got talking to her today. I think she likes me. Either that or she’s just naturally really nervous. She’s nice. She sings in a choir.
11/20 Direct Link
Bravery exudes from me today, but no opportunities to prove it. I sat beside a lovely young woman in my philosophy class. We talked a bit. She's very interesting, and very beautiful. I was feeling rather puckish and I decided that after class I would ask her to have lunch, or something, or ANYTHING. Just the fact that I asked her a question would be enough to satisfy me. I steadfastly resolved to do it. Alas, fate would not have it. She got up halfway through class, and said she had to leave early. We said good-bye, and she left.
11/21 Direct Link
I was up insanely late last night: coding like a madman. A tired repeat of the past few nights. I'm not getting enough sleep. I go to bed late, and don't sleep when I do go to bed, and I wake up too early. My roommate has made me sick. I hate him for it. Damn him and his germs! I can feel it growing inside of me. I'm struggling to fight it off, but without sleep I'm sure to lose. Last night I decided to sleep in through my English class. I ended up sleeping through the whole morning.
11/22 Direct Link
Today was my second chance at the girl in my philosophy class. Last night I found out who she was. I thought she seemed familiar to me. She is the cousin of one of my best friend's girlfriend's roommates. I'd seen her once before. Never met though. It really psyched me out. She was no longer an anonymous random pretty girl that I could fearlessly and unabashedly hit on. She suddenly seemed to be far out of my league. Unattainable. I sat frozen and paralyzed after class. She wouldn't be interested in someone such as myself. I'm disappointed in myself.
11/23 Direct Link
What dreams may come indeed! This morning, before I awoke, I had a dream (nightmare?) where she came back to me, or rather teased me, and enticed me. My dreams are very realistic. I could smell her. I could feel her presence near me. It crushed me as soon as I awoke. How depressing it is to be asleep and in heaven one moment, and awake and in hell the next. It was a sullen and cold day indeed. All day I thought of her, and the dream. How I wanted to forget it. How I want to forget her.
11/24 Direct Link
What a completely tedious Saturday. I stayed up too late, and slept in not nearly enough. I feel dead. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to sleep, or do homework, or ANYTHING. I just want to stop EXISTING for a little while. I want to lie in the sand of a deserted tropical island, with nothing but the lulling drone of the ocean to keep me company. I want to be isolated from all human existence, including my own. I want to fall of the face of this God forsaken planet. I want everything to go away.
11/25 Direct Link
I went to a big monolithic commercialism zone today. I may not have a calendar, but it’s Christmas, I can tell. Maybe it was the music and decorations. Or maybe, and I think this a more likely possibility, it was the unhealthy number of people desperately trying to buy unhealthy things for their unhealthy loved ones. I bought nothing.

I saw a lovely little couple strolling through the isles, they held hands, she patted his ass, he kissed her cheek. Brought me back to a happier time. A time when she doted on my arm, and whispered in my ear.

11/26 Direct Link
Finals: my favorite time of the year. I sit in the library. The people around me look like the living dead. All half-asleep and blankly staring into nothing. Dark circles under bloodshot eyes. No one seems to care what they look like anymore. Wrinkled clothes, dirty shirt, torn jeans, frumpy sweater. My eyes are bloodshot themselves. They twinge and burn if I leave them open for more than a few seconds.

It has snowed again. This time for good. I’m glad it has. It was depressing to see the weather struggle like that. It’s been all ice but no snow.

11/27 Direct Link
I highly recommend that if you have a chance, or a moment of boredom, or something that you go and read Erin Luhks' October batch. Highly entertaining. Out of all the batches I've read, hers' is the only one to make me laugh so hard my roommate thought I was cracked. Erin, if you read this, you're the girl of my dreams. Let's go away for a while, you and I, to a strange and distant land, where they speak no word of truth, but we don't understand anyway. I don't quote Weezer lyrics to just any girl you know.
11/28 Direct Link
The stage is set. It has taken me all semester, but I finally know people. People who are mostly girls. By coincidence, or by design, I’m not entirely sure. I just happen to like girls more. I have some guy friends, and frankly, I have enough guy friends. I’m much fonder of the fairer sex. Now that I’m acquainted with some members of the female persuasion, all I have to do is sit patiently and wait for something to happen. It’s all just a matter of time before a romance of some kind presents itself. Whatever will be will be.
11/29 Direct Link
Girls…. Girls are funny. I like girls. The way the smell. The way they walk… and wiggle… their cute little giggles and smiles. I like a girl with a good sense of humour. Clich├ęd I suppose. Isn’t that what everyone wants in a mate? A good sense a humour? A nice ass too. And a pretty face. Me, I want it all. Bad moods and all. I’m never as complete and alive as when I have a girlfriend. They give me someone other than myself to concentrate on. And man is happiest when he has a meaning other than himself.
11/30 Direct Link
It’s the end of the month again. And what a month it has been. My first semester of university is nearly over. It was a lot different than what I had expected. It was much harder, and in some ways, a lot easier. Time has really flown. It hardly seems like three months have passed. It feels more like one. Looking out the window beside me and seeing a field of white, when it seems like only yesterday it was a field of green. The coming week is going to be rough: two midterms, two quizzes, and a coding assignment.