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everytime i see her is like a stab to the heart. it's like a fresh wound with the mere mentioning of her name. no matter how 'fine' i think i am, just seeing her makes me realize how very
fine i really am. maybe it wouldnt be so bad if she didnt look so damn gorgeous... better than i ever remembered her... and maybe it wouldnt be so bad if i didnt know that deep down, i would take her back without question if she asked... completely forgetting what she did to me... maybe then it would be better...
She’s not extremely pretty, though I think I could get attached to her smile. She doesn’t have a killer body, but it’s the best I’ve had in a while. I’m not sure if it’s her that I like, or simply the idea of having her. I think I could have her, if I wanted. She reminds me of an old girlfriend. Come to think of it, nearly all my girlfriends have. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I suppose both. Unfortunately I can’t even recall her name. I should find that out before I get any ideas.
A fluffy white fissure tore across the deep blue sky above. The sun shone warm and bright on the seething throng of people below, making them squint their eyes in protest. It was earlier than most were accustomed to, but things were changing. There he sat. Sitting in the sun. Waiting. He turned his face up to greet the sun, letting it warm his cool skin. The awkward moment had already happened. It was sure to happen again. Perhaps in time it would stop being awkward. He longed for that day. It could not come soon enough. But for now he sits and waits.
Sometimes you just feel empty. Completely drained. It’s a depression that steals your energy, and will to live. Deadlines, due dates, curfews, alarm clocks, appointments, schedules. All things that tell us what to do, and when to do it. I’m tired and I want to sleep. I’m lonely and depressed. I’m starved to meet some new people, but I just can’t seem to make it happen for myself. I feel completely out of myself lately. I just slug through it from day to day. Eventually things will fall into place. They eventually have to. And that’s all I’m hoping for.
She panics and she comes to me. I’m her friend. Far away, but still her friend. It seems so distant in my mind, the night we lay on the grass looking for The Stars. She could be my kid sister. Much younger than I, but since when did age matter? I probably should never have gotten involved with her. I knew that much from the start. I don’t often do the things I should. Moot point now though. 100 miles away. Might as well be a million. We talk still, thankfully. I care about her deeply. Though I can never let myself love her.
I went to church tonight for the first time in what seems like ages. Now that im out on my own, I don’t have anyone telling me to go. At least not forcefully. I’m not a very religious person I guess. Not catholic anyway. I believe in religion. I just don’t think going to church really has anything to do with spirituality. I believe spirituality can be expressed in a plethora of ways. Whenever I’m at church, I get the feeling that the responses people give are a little too much like a conditioned response, rather than a spiritual response.
Ahhh Thanks Giving. A time for turkey and stuffing. Pumpkin pie and ice cream. A time for family and foot ball. A time for gathering around the table and sharing each others’ company. Talking about current affairs. The sad
of affairs. Talking about people who have died, or are dying, or should die. A time to catch up on each others’ lives. To share stories and anecdotes. To laugh and drink. It’s good to relax and unwind. To decompress for a while. To take stock of our lives. To reflect on the things we should be thankful for. Whatever they might be.
My fear of failure does little to propel me to try harder. My apathy is overwhelming. I know I should try harder, and get organized. Get my act together as it were. But lately I just don’t seem to care. I’m jaded, sarcastic, disconnected, depressed… I guess part of it is still over her. I miss her still sometimes. Especially now that I’m completely alone for the first time. I assumed that she would always be near to comfort and support me. Now she’s a source of my chagrin. My mind is obsessed with the trivial. The bodily. The carnal.
It’s late and I’m a little too gritty and full of patented “John Woo Anger” tonight to write anything deep and meaningful to myself, or anyone else for that matter. So instead I’m going to give a tech update, which will explain the grittiness and angriness. I got an mp3 player from a friend. Parallel MMC reader + shoddy drivers + win2k = disaster. Things went awry. I was in no mood for extensive troubleshooting, so I decided to just roll back to a backup I made this Saturday and bought a USB MMC reader. Thank God for frequent backups.
I always feel like I'm never doing what I should be doing. I have so much homework and reading to do, that if I'm not doing it all the time, I feel as if I should be. And I
! That’s the thing! I’m getting so far behind. I’m starting to worry that graduation might come early this year. Maybe around Christmas, if you know what I’m saying. I’m doing fine in the things I came to do. Computers and English. Math, economics and philosophy are starting to crush me. Here’s the worst part. I’m not even trying. Imagine that.
Today is the day of fear. God must have been reading what I wrote last night and decided he had better put his own special brand of fear into my heart. He decided to up the ante. It's all or nothing now, boy! Assignments, essays, tests, midterms, it's all crashing down around me. If I don't pull myself together in the next week I am fucked. There's no delicate way of putting it. My life is on the backburner, that's not to say it was at the forefront before, but now I'm gonna have to stop worrying about it entirely.
The bodily. The carnal. The purely sexual. This is what occupies my mind lately. Being in an environment with so many young, virile, taut, primped, and prettied women is starting to get distracting. There's just something about girls in sweaters that makes me swoon. One in particular. She just makes my little heart go pitter patter. Love at first sight. This girl is amazing. I don't even know her name, but I'd get hit by a bus to find out. If only my voice didn't fleet me whenever she came near, I might have at least said hello by now.
I find it interesting how two people can solve the same problem in entirely different ways. I noticed this today when my roommate and I were coding the same java application. Our code is radically different, but performs the same fundamental tasks. I suppose this can hold true in other facets of life as well. Everyone has a slightly different method for achieving the same goal. Some are more efficient than others, some more elegant. But what is more important, the ends, or the means? Any two-bit hack can reach the ends, but I prefer to get there in style.
It was a chill autumn evening. It had rained earlier that afternoon, and the air was crisp. Only 7 o'clock and already beyond dusk. The truck had given up its ghost once again, refusing to start. We decided to have supper and catch a bus home. Deal with the truck later. Seeing a bus drive by at night gives me an eerie feeling. Especially when they're empty. Ghostly lights gliding through the night. It can be even more soul stirring aboard though. How the mind wanders while staring into pools of black ink. It makes a man somber and sullen.
I’m in a real bad place psychologically. I’m unhappy. I’m lonely. There are sources of pain in my life that I can’t even begin to control. I’ve never been this depressed before my entire life. I’ve been riding this roller coaster of misery for many months now. After we broke up I lost more than just a girlfriend. I lost part of myself, and I don’t know how to get it back. 'Just get over it.' Yeah OK. Thing is, I don’t know how. Things haunt me. They stick in my mind. I can’t seem to 'just get over it.'
I love it when music makes you smile. You’ll be sitting there with your headphones on, eyes closed, thinking about nothing but the soundscape in your mind, and all of a sudden there’s a bass line or hook in the music that inspires a smile. It’s a little thing the artist does to thank you for listening. It’s a moment when the DJ looks out into the crowd and gives a wink. Music always makes me happy. Even songs that remind me of her. I still enjoy them. I try not to let the emotional baggage weigh the music down.
I slept in today. I missed all my classes. I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night. These bouts of insomnia are getting evermore frequent. Perhaps it’s due to the stress. Maybe it’s just because I’m not very happy with my life at the moment. I could have gone to school today, I was awake, but some how I didn’t see the point. Going to school wouldn’t have made me any happier. I imagine that if I
gotten out of bed, it would have turned out to have been one of those days where I wished I hadn’t.
For the first time in a long time, I had a relatively happy day. Perhaps I was happy because I knew that it was the last day of hard work I’d have this week. It’s all down hill from here. A lot of stress gone. Sure it’ll be replaced by new stresses very quickly, but for now, I’m golden. Today wasn’t without its flaws. It had its awkward moments. I came face to face with her twice today. TWICE. She doesn’t even look me in the eye anymore. Fuck it. Tomorrow is Friday, but it might as well be Christmas.
Just finished reading Catcher in the Rye. Wonderful book. Makes my gears grind. It’s also got me saying goddam a lot, and calling people phonies. It has. It really has. See, what I figure I’ll do, see, is I’ll eventually turn into Holden entirely. I will. I really will. What really got me going though, was how he never gave old Jane Gallagher a buzz. Who knows, maybe he’ll feel like it later. I suppose you’ve got to be in the proper mood to do such a thing. You can’t just call someone up out of the blue like that.
I miss my friends that moved away. Two of the best friends I ever had live 8 hours away. I’ll get to see them at Christmas, but that’s about it. Sometimes I wish I had moved with them. Gone to a different university. I imagine what life would be like had I not settled for where I am now. I imagine I’d be happier. I consider them lucky to have gotten completely out of this environment. Completely removed from everything old, and immersed entirely in something new and alien. And here I am, in new versions of the same old.
I miss Sunday mornings at my parents’ house. I miss sleeping in and waking up to brunch of waffles, or beacon & eggs, or pancakes, or toast and cereal. I miss seeing my mom in her housecoat, and my dad reading the newspaper. I miss the smell of coffee brewing. I miss my house. I miss the smell that the furnace would make the first time it was turned on in the early winter. Sort of like burnt dust I guess. I miss being a kid. I miss the sense of familiarity. I guess I took it all for granted.
I’m so filled with rage right now, all I can say is I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate. I hate my roommate.
This is what I would have written yesterday, had I not been choked with rage and hatred. It snowed yesterday, meaning it is now officially Winter to me. I haven’t decided whether or not I like Winter yet. I had hoped Autumn might hang about for a bit longer. I enjoy all the seasons equally, but I get tired of them. What I enjoy most is the change. I imagine that I’ll end up loathing Winter in a few months time. I do, however, enjoy the tranquility one can find in a Winter day. A chill to make cheeks rosy.
Life doesn’t seem so bad lately. I’m not saying things are great or anything. Far from it in fact, but I don’t feel so depressed. I think I’ve been able to zero in on the heart of my depression, or at least something close to it. It’s a very personal and emotional thing, which I don’t quite feel like getting into right here and now. But I will say it has stemmed from the discord between my roommate and I, and that it has led to an epiphany of sorts. You don’t know you’ve killed someone until they’re already dead.
No one is polite anymore. It sickens and saddens me. People on the bus don’t give up their seats to old ladies anymore. No one holds the door open for anyone. There’s no more silent rule of ‘ladies first’. Today, as an experiment, I tried to be as polite, and helpful as I possibly could be, to anyone I could. I gave up my seat on the bus to an old woman. I held the door open for several people. I let others go ahead of me. I said ‘Hello’ to people I passed. I smiled. People were delightfully baffled.
I like it went girls smell nice. It drives me crazy. Walking past a girl in the hallway, awash in her perfumed wake. Drowning in an ocean of lust and desire. DAMN they smell GOOD! I’m such a fiend some times. An absolute fiend. The ways my mind wanders sometimes. Unwholesome and ravenous thoughts. Thoughts of utter debauchery. Little things set me off. You can half fall in love with a girl just from the way she smiles, or tosses her hair. You can tell where my mind has been today. Party tomorrow. Let’s just see where that leads. >;-)
An interesting party. Slightly awkward though. There were 2 age groups. 18-19, and 19-25. this made for some awkward era issues. They all thought Cyndy Lauper was awesome. One girl was even dressed as her. (Costume party.) All had beards and beer guts. Plenty of cute girls there too. Sorry, beautiful ‘women’. All, sadly, attached to the lost 20 somethings with beards and bellies. I did however learn that I have a friend for life whom I love dearly. I imagined her at my weddings, and it made me happy. I realized how much I love her as a person.
About that emotional epiphany I spoke of earlier. I realized from my relationship with my roommate, what it must have been like for her. Except, now, I’m in her position, and my roommate in mine. I feel smothered by him, as she did by me. I thought I understood before, but I had no idea until experiencing it first hand. I felt truly awful to know that I had made her feel that way; destroying me in every way. Luckily, I’m not without a sense of irony. Hopefully I can do better in future relationships knowing what I know now.
I get so fucking frustrated sometimes. I hate math. Plain and simple. I’ve never been very good at it, no matter how hard I try. I HATE MATH. Why the fuck do I need so much god damned fucking math for computer science? I’m not sure exactly. Apparently math and computers are fucking synonymous or some bullshit like that. Well I don’t buy into that for one second. I can program for you, and I can fix your fucking computer. Math doesn’t enter my equation. This is basically an excuse to say fuck. Fuck math, fuck school, fuck it all.
Today was a nothing day. Absolutely nothing remarkable happened. Nothing good, nothing bad. It was a shrug shoulders day. I kind of hate days like this. I hate nothing days more than I hate bad days. At least when something bad happens, you
that you’re alive. When nothing happens at all, for a long time, you sometimes forget that you even exist. You start to disappear. And then you might as well
be alive. Something will happen tomorrow though. I can feel it. Good or bad, no one can say for sure, but at least it’ll be something.
Halloween is one of my favorite times of the year. You always see the most interesting things on Halloween. People dressed up in some really amazing costumes. And the full moon was an especially nice touch this year. The kids in their costumes all greedy for candy. Good memories. I’m not really sure why I chose to write about Halloween with my last 100 words, but I suppose it’s a bit too late to turn back now. It hasn’t really hit me yet, that there will be other people reading these words. I haven’t decided whether I’ll continue next month.
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