BY jaeda

06/01 Direct Link
Staring at the flashing screen watching the various beautiful parts of your body blink in and out of my line of vision dreaming about the taste of your skin on my tongue, the feel of your weight on top of me, the heat of your mouth on mine unable to believe that you're mine again hardly able to believe that three junes later you still want me you still love me you still need me after all we have been through you choose me to share that love that lights up the universe you choose me to be your Parvati
06/02 Direct Link
Anything you want I'll wear anything you want me to baby, I'll do anything you ask me to anything at all I ache for you to tell me what you want me to do to you how you want me to look for you I can't wait for you to dress me up and make me pretty for you I can't wait to wear your kurtaas and bangles and be your princess I can't wait to stand there and have you take every inch of that fabric off of me I can't wait to be your girl again forever always
06/03 Direct Link
Defending myself against supposed excuses, always trying to explain my motivation, wondering if you really believe me and sure that you're wondering the same thing unsure as to what to say because I'm terrified of angering you, terrified of saying the wrong thing and upsetting you not even able to make a joke without you getting the wrong impression walking on eggshells because I'm so fucking afraid I'll lose you afraid that my second chance will slip through my fingers because I wasn't paying attention because I said something stupid because I let down my guard for a little while
06/04 Direct Link
All day thinking about you about us wondering what you're doing right now wondering what we'll be doing when it's just me and you distracted so much by my own thoughts that I walk into cars, miss my turn, lose my place in my book can't get thoughts of us out of my mind grocery shopping, laying in bed on a rainy Sunday, going to the movies, arguing over what to have for dinner when neither of us really want to eat, lying between your legs, your hands in my hair, trying to sleep through a migraine, my dreams coalesce
06/05 Direct Link
Driving down the highway late at night, heat filtering through the crack in the window waiting to call you Melissa Ferrick plays softly in the background as the phone rings once twice three times and your soft and breathy "hello" makes my pulse race makes my mind stutter to find the words that I'd so carefully rehearsed before I called lights flashing as cars pass me by, driving thirty miles over the speed limit in my excitement each sentence you utter shoots through my body and ends up as pressure on the gas pedal racing through the city sneaking calls
06/06 Direct Link
Talking to you for hours and asking silly questions just to learn even more about each other so determined are we that no one will ever no more about each other then we will dead set on spending our lives together being each others best friend and knowing that no one else in the whole world has a relationship like we do knowing that no one else will ever share each other the way we do knowing that as our life grows together I will know your mind and heart in ways that no one on this earth ever will
06/07 Direct Link
Lost and lonely here without you unable to call you or talk to you jealous of the time anyone else gets to spend with you and angry so fucking angry that our time is taken away from us wondering if you really will wait for me if you really will put up with all of this if you really can make it through this again if you can find some way to love me enough to put up with all of my bullshit baby I'm so sorry and I want nothing more then to hear your beautiful, sexy, heartbreaking voice
06/08 Direct Link
lying in bed waiting for the lull of pills to wash over me trying to sleep but lost in your anger feeling your sadness over a thousand miles away wondering what I'm going to wake up to if this is going to be the time you tell me "no more" if this is going to be what it takes to make you leave me if this is going to be the one tiny thing that causes me to lose you unable to feel you not knowing if you're awake or asleep not knowing if you're ok and still love me
06/09 Direct Link
i miss the excitement you had every time we got a chance to talk, before things got all desperate and tense, before every conversation started and ended with when i could leave when just an email or a journal entry was something that made you giddy all day i miss being able to make you smile by getting on webcam and getting poetry from you full of our love and emails dreaming of when we can be together without them sounding angry i miss being happy about any time we spend together instead resenting the time we can't spend together
06/10 Direct Link
why can't you understand that the only thing in the world that makes me feel threatened is the excitement i hear in your voice when you talk about these women the same kind of excitement that i heard in your voice when you talked about me and it scares me so much because they have so much more then i do they are so much more interesting and self-sufficient and educated and everything in the world that i'm not they could offer you so much more and your obvious fascination with them scares me so much it makes me ill
06/11 Direct Link
I see your face so clearly, your body moving slowly through my front door I can see every detail of your clothes and your eyes and the tip of your tongue on your lips you're here for me and in one single moment, I was completely happy I was utterly calm and content my baby had come for me you looked at me, reached out your hand and then I woke up confused and scared wondering where you were and why you weren't reaching for me anymore why did you leave baby god why didn't you take me with you?
06/12 Direct Link
watching the minutes tick by one by one waiting to be able to talk to you see you this is sheer torture I want to run away with you when you come Tuesday I just want to leave with you "pack up all your shit and go" that's what I want I want to go home with you and start our life together I want to hold you and never let go again I want to make you know that it's true and know I mean what I say and that I love you more then any words can describe
06/13 Direct Link
changing everything is changing so fast the life I thought I was stuck with is disappearing and I'm losing things along the way but I'm gaining so much how could you ever think I'd want more how could you think for one second that I'd give up all the things you give to me the love, the support, the unadulterated passion, the amazing peace you give me I couldn't give that up, I don't want to and I refuse to let anyone take it from me I refuse to miss this chance again I will not lose our love again
06/14 Direct Link
I can see you in my mind, walking down the street intimate and involved in someone else basking in the joy that you feel in being with her even though I'm not there terrified because you used to have that joy whenever we talked you used to talk to me when we were just friends terrified because you have a habit of getting enamored with people you see the good in everyone and I know that if she wanted you there would be nothing I could do about it I know that I could never compete with someone like that
06/15 Direct Link
Driving up seeing you sitting on that bench my heart jumped into my throat I believe you baby you came to me you healed me you made me whole again for a few hours I looked into your eyes and saw my future there I saw our life and our family and our world together I ran to you and pulled you close and smelled your neck just like I did that first time so you would know what I wanted so you would know it was you that I wanted to be with so you would know my heart
06/16 Direct Link
Tonight I held you I looked into your eyes and found my heart there I felt you inside of me and held you there knowing it was where you belonged my butch my baby my heart I can still smell your scent on my hands I can still feel your breath on my skin my heart races knowing that you are flying away from me again please come back baby make me feel that way again make my body whole make my spirit whole be my Shiva be the other half of me again baby I need you so much
06/17 Direct Link
angry red lines the only evidence of your presence making me remember every second, every touch every whisper wishing like hell I had been on that plane with you frantically searching for ways to get to you sooner plotting and planning waiting for the rest of my life to begin feeling that ache where you were inside me that sweet, stinging ache and wishing you were here to kiss it I need your touch baby I don't know how to live without it anymore I don't know how to get through every day knowing I could have nights like that
06/18 Direct Link
The strangest calm has come over me impatient calm I want everything to happen now but I'm somewhat content knowing that it will happen soon baby that our love will come together and get us through anything that we'll build a life together and be happy together and have that normal family and normal life that we both want so badly counting the days until my life starts until our life starts knowing that any day with you no matter what problems we have it will be worth it just to work through them with you together building our life
06/19 Direct Link
reading watching tv bored and blah anything to take my mind off of you of us of forever with you or the rest of our lives together of the echo of your touch of the reverberation of your skin against mine the energy of our need vibrating between us growing stronger and stronger each day while we dream of being together while we imagine the privilege of getting to touch anytime we want while I wonder what it'll be like to wake up on Christmas morning in your arms to wake up each day in your arms again being happy
06/20 Direct Link
you've changed so much it scares me sometimes that you're going to keep changing more and more until I won't know how you are anymore until I won't know how to be the person that makes you happy until you decide that I'm not that person at all and you leave me I'm so damn scared of things changing between us that any minor action you might take that's outside of who you are when we're together just scares me to death I don't know how to react when you're different it makes me wonder who I'm supposed to be
06/21 Direct Link
everything makes me think of us everywhere I turn there are signs telling me that I'm in the wrong place I'm in the wrong time the books I read about love and the shows I watch on TV showing people in love finally finding each other I know that's our story I know our love can be like that I know it already is it's just waiting for us our time is coming so soon and we'll be perfect together our life, our home, our babies everything will be just sickeningly perfect I know it will I can feel it
06/22 Direct Link
the day wears on me like a wet, itchy, heavy coat my shoulders feel so heavy I would give anything to be able to climb into bed and have you hold me right now just rub my back and softly touch my hair and assure me that I can make it that everything is ok that I can make it through this that I can handle all of this pressure and pain and be ok through it all I can shake off this day and this week and this life and have the one I want the one I deserve
06/23 Direct Link
every pop song on the radio is suddenly speaking to me every "you" that I hear everyone talk about is always you to me now I can't hear a cheesy love song without seeing your gorgeous green eyes I see them and imagine us dancing slowly in the middle of our living room to anything any song to nothing even just the music in our hearts pressed up against your body feeling your heart pound against my breast and knowing that our hearts beat in time together knowing that the poetry you write is a narrative of our love story
06/24 Direct Link
seeing you in the little window on my desktop staring at the line of your jaw, the curve of your neck, wondering what's going on in your head staring at the same corner of your room wondering when I'll get to see all of it when I'll get to live in that space when I'll really be a part of your life again get to know what you do when you get up in the mornings and how you go to sleep at night what you order at restaurants how you like your towels folded all those silly things
06/25 Direct Link
twenty one days until I'm with you again getting to hold you and lie next to you and stare into your eyes until I drift off to sleep planning the day I will leave this place and make the slow trek to our home together two days and nights driving with you driving home with you night stars shining on us bathing us in their sacred light showing us the path home glistening over us as we lie in a random hotel room halfway there all the way inside each other beginning our life together the day I come home
06/26 Direct Link
can't stop staring at the picture of you looking like every dream I've had since the day you left I need you here with me so badly I need to feel you touch me I need you to look at me like you do in the pictures it's been raining all week and all I could think about today was that the rain means we should be making love it's only right that we make love when it thunders our bodies rocking together to the beat of the rain hitting the hot pavement thunder crashes as you pound into me
06/27 Direct Link
I spend my days making plans in my head of what we will do where we will go the daily things that will make up our world it's the only way I can deal with this waiting game it's the only way I know to get through all of this without completely losing my mind and I just keep counting down the days until I can see you again counting down the days until I'm free to be yours free to tell the world that I love you and am going to spend the rest of my life with you
06/28 Direct Link
so separate from everything you do reading about your life like a fucking spectator don't you think I know how it feels? don't you think I understand every second of that sick rolling nausea when you read about something you should be part of don't you think I want you there, that if I could have my way you would be part of every second of it? it makes me sick to realize that I'm enjoying anything because I know I should be sharing it with you. the shine is taken off my entire world because you aren't in it.
06/29 Direct Link
sitting in the darkness watching her move bathed in red light singing the words that speak my heart so well listening to the songs that define our lives the songs that make up the soundtrack to our relationship finally hearing "Little Love" live and imagining you next to me hearing "Anything Anywhere" knowing it is about us imagining the smile on your face when she somehow manages to take a song that's so romantic and manage to make it dirty, just like we do with most things in our life it's funny how her songs fit our life so perfectly
06/30 Direct Link
it's all becoming real now we have a home we actually have a place that's just ours and now we can start planning our home together our first home all of our own I'm just giddy thinking about it our own space a place where we can fall asleep on the couch together make love in every room watch the snow fall on lazy sunday afternoons while we snuggle and watch movies pour over catalogues picking out furniture and arguing over paint and dishes and towels loving every moment of making this place our home our very first home together